Post # 1
I’m a regular poster but going undercover for obvious reasons, I think. I hope that your responses are more helpful than judgmental. FI and I have never really been a match in the sex department. I have always had more desire than him and aside from early in our relationship, we haven’t had sex as much as I would like to. I have talked to him about this several times in several different ways over the course of our relationship. I love him and don’t want to marry anyone else but lately I have been thinking about living the rest of my life dissatisfied sexually. I have a hard time with it now and I can’t imagine as the years go by that it’ll get much easier. I’ll admit that there have been days when I have considered cheating on him but I won’t do it because I know what we have is special. However, I am worried that I may wear down over time. It’s difficult to go day after day seeing other men that are attracted to me in that way and make advances while I turn them down and come home to my FI who doesn’t seem interested. I know how terrible that sounds and I feel guilty thinking it but I am not sure what else to do. I have expressed these issues to him but have stopped short of saying that I am worried about remaining faithful.
Has anyone dealt with this feeling?
Post # 3
I’ve never dealt with this personally, but how often do you masterbate? Honestly if you really love him despite the fact that you’re obviously sexually incompatible, maybe you should invest in a few vibrators so you are less likely to feel the need to cheat down the road.
That’s just my two cents, you’ll probably get a lot of negative responses though (just to warn you).
Post # 4
This is definitely something to consider… because it is such a personal and intimate committment to one another. I would suggest being MORE frank and honest with your FI, and not just hinting around the issue. Your FI needs to know that you’re having these thoughts, and that you want to make your relationship stronger. He may not know how badly you’re struggling with this… and he may just need a wake up call.
Either way, I don’t think you’re a bad person or crazy for considering this… I just think that honesty and open communication is key.
Post # 5
I’ll admit that there have been days when I have considered cheating on him but I won’t do it because I know what we have is special.
It isn’t that special if you’re considering cheating. To cheat is one of the cruelest things a spouse/significant other could do to their partner. If you don’t think you can be faithful due to lack of sexual fulfillment by your man, do him a favor and call it off.
Otherwise, how do you and FI talk about this, even? Can you provide an example?Can you take care of things yourself/choose not to? Is that a legitimate option for you rather than breaking up? Have you tried initiating more? Is this something the two of you could grow into as you learn about one another? Not everyone is spot on with their sexual desires, but most can make it work. That’s up to you, of course, and how much effort you’re willing to put in.
Post # 6
Don’t feel guilty!! Seriously, intimacy is a HUGE part of a relationship, and if you’re not well matched, then you’re not well matched. Not all couples place a lot of importance on sex, and are intimate other ways, but the trick is that they are in agreement on the level/type of intimacy that forms the center of their relationship. You have talked to him–does he listen to you or just say, “sorry, this is how it is”? Intimacy is also about listening to you and working together. This shouldn’t be ALL on you, really; don’t feel terrible.
I think you should be honest with him–if you’ve expressed your feelings and nothing has changed, then tell him that you both need to come up with a solution for the relationship to survive. Couples counseling might help too if you haven’t tried that. Best of luck hun.
Post # 7
@cantremember: It’s the worst, isn’t it? I deal with this with my partner, and we haven’t even been together that long! This has also happened to me in previous relationships (I don’t know, maybe I’m abnormally libidinous…) and I have cheated in the past. I don’t advise it. But a couple of suggestions: speak to him honestly and openly about how you feel. If it’s an emotional issue, my partner and I often write notes to outline the situation unemotionally before discussing things. Would he consider an open sexual relationship subject to obvious ground rules like honesty, safety and emotional fidelity? It’s very hard, but it works for some couples. Probably the simplest answer is just because he doesn’t feel like sex doesn’t mean you can’t besexually satisfied, either by him in another way or by yourself. The first step to any solution will be a frank discussion – this is likely to hurt his sense of masculinity, so be prepared for him to be defensive and don’t take that as him not caring. If you want to PM me I’m happy to discuss this further, but I wish you the very best of luck!
Post # 8
I’m really not sure what any of us could say that would be helpful – we cannot make your FI want to have sex more, nor can we squelch your desire to cheat because you’re feeling unfulfilled. I think it’s a really bad idea to go into a marriage knowing that you two have a big fundemental difference that could lead to you cheating.
Post # 9
Sounds like you’re setting yourself up for defeat and disaster. You’re already making excuses in your head for bad behavior that you haven’t even done yet. If you can’t be faithful then DON’T promise to be faithful. I really don’t think how attracted other people are to you has any bearing whatsoever on whether or not you should fulfull yor vows.
Post # 10
Coming from someone in the very same position a few years ago, I completely sympathise and can tell you it definitely did get better for me. We had the very same problem and it threatened to break up our relationship many, many times. The more I made an issue of it, the more insecure he felt and the less he wanted to bother.
Over time I realised that what I had with him was far more important than a fantastic bedroom life. I’ve had more than my fair share of mind-blowing bedroom-men, and as much as it was wonderful, I had never had a ‘special’ intimacy with anyone except my DH.
DH is extremely reserved and I … well let’s just say ‘liberal’ doesn’t even begin to describe me. It’s something I have come to terms with and can finally say I am happy with. Lots of people told me to move on – that there was no point settling for someone that didn’t have everything when there were tons of guys out there I could have ‘everything’ with. I had done more than enough experimenting and messing about in my uni years, and I decided it was absolutely not worth giving up DH to see if there might be someone that had every single quality I was looking for.
It is a decision you have to make though – and if you don’t feel like you’ve had enough experiences to decide to stay with your FI, then I would strongly advocate against it. You will only harbour resentment against your partner later on in life that you didn’t have a chance to experience all the things you wanted to.
Post # 11
I think Kala Way is absolutely right. You can’t make excuses for cheating before cheating, see the red flags, and still continue with nuptials. Ultimately, whatever problems are there before you get married will be there after. Things don’t get better because we will them to be and a ring won’t make a difference if this is how you’ve been feeling since essentially the beginning.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2011 - Epworth UMC & Ward Pavilion
I think your age and how long you’ve been together are pretty important in considering this issue, because things change a lot over the course of a relationship. Cheating is a choice- if you can say it’s a choice you might make some day then getting married is probably not a good idea. But, if you can accept your high sex drive and know that your love for him is strong and you will not cheat, then get married.
If you plan to stay with this man for life, your sex drive (and his) will ebb and flow over the years. It is one of the many things that will change over the course of your lives. And when your sex drive slows down for a bit due to age, work, stress, kids, whatever, you want to be left standing with someone you care about who is good to you. Sex is an important thing, but not the only thing, and that becomes more apparent as time goes on and your relationship is hit with new challenges.
I was where you are three years ago, and my decision to stick it out was one of the best I ever made! When I think of how happy I am that I have an amazing man by my side, I look back at myself then and think of how foolish it would have been to end things for a little more action.
Post # 13
Sexual compatability is on my “list” for what I need from a long term relationship. In other words, if I weren’t compatible with someone sexually, I wouldn’t agree to marry them. I know that seems cut and dry but your desire stems so far that you would consider cheating. That just tells me you are with the wrong person. I’m sorry if that’s not helpful. I remember dating someone who was, um, a sexual dud? It was part of the reason I ended it.
I hope things work out for you.
Post # 14
Thanks for your kind responses. I do want to clear up, I am NOT looking for “permission” to cheat. I do not want to cheat. I wanted to know if others have had these feelings and how they dealt with them. I’ll take a stab at answering a few of your questions.
@Navy_Wife: I do masturbate, have vibrators and watch porn more than I care to admit in my effort to compensate for our incompatibility.
@HEB: I do know firsthand how hurtful cheating can be not only to a spouse but to an entire family. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be worried about it. I’d have just done it by now. The opportunity is always there. We’ve been together for a long time and this has been an issue for the majority of that time. I have had frank discussions with him about needing to be intimate more often, needing him to be the initiator, feeling undesirable to him, asking him what I can change, what I need to work on, is he cheating, is there something else causing the issue. I have hinted, joked, dressed up, initiated, been frank, you pretty much name it and I have tried it with the exception of stating that it’s difficult to be desirable to everyone but the ONE person you want to be desirable to. I do feel I have done my due diligence regarding stating my feelings.
@MsJeep23: He just says that he is tired most of the time. He always states that I am desirable to him, he’s just tired. So am I but I make an effort. Throughout the relationship I have been the initiator the OVERWHELMING majority of the time. I stopped initiating as often and it has pretty much gone down hill from there.
Post # 15
@Just_Squeeze: I was basically going to write the same thing. Sexual compatibility is a must for me. It helps with every other aspect of your life as well, so its super important. You need to know if this is something you can live with or not. Either that, or see if he is open to an open marriage. To me though, that would never, ever work, and its not something that I would even be able to think about, much less act on.
Post # 16
I have been in the exact boat you are. When Mr. Bobby and I were first married his sex drive went down the toilet. And it WAS because he was tired and stressed. He was a mechanic and was NOT happy with his job/work place. After he switched jobs things changed, now I’m not telling you to make him switch or anything. But maybe you need to turn him on and not give him a choice. Or get him in the mornings when most men are a little pointy 😉 .
I honestly used to tell Mr. Bobby that I was going to start slipping him black market viagra. Just be patient, and try to help him relax when he gets home, do romantic things.