Post # 1
SO and I have been together for 3 years. We met in college and now I’m working before continuing my education and he’s almost done with his master’s. Lately I’ve been worried, he’s made it perfectly clear that he wants to marry me “someday” and he actually asked me to once in private (no one knows as it was “unofficial” or whatever… he doesn’t count it without a ring I guess). However, he doesn’t want to talk about time frames or any kind of plan. He’s graduating soon from grad school and I have to stay here to keep working on pre-requisites and then the one year program. I don’t want him to move out of state while I’m still here. I’d also like to get married in the next year and a half, which I don’t think is unreasonable. He wants to live together, but we can’t until we’re married, so getting married soon is the answer. I don’t see the problem so long as he has a job.
Am I crazy? I’m just really upset lately and talking to him gets me no where. He’s too content to just “let things come.” But I’m too afraid that this is going to just crash and burn later since we want different things. I want to get married soon and stay relatively close to family, while he wants to move far away to chase a very specific job in his field (computer security).
Just need advice, I want to be engaged and married to him, I love him so much, just worried that we won’t be able to come to a compromise. sorry this is so long >_<
Post # 3
There’s something that my husband tells our children. He tells them that if they hold onto things too tightly, that eventually they will die. The same is true for relationships. If you strangle it in the hopes of salvaging it, or not letting it slip away, you will strangle it and it will die.
You cannot and do not want to force someone to be engaged to you or to marry you. The fact that you mention a lot of your own concerns and none of his seems to be my primary area of concern. How does he feel about having to move out of state and leave you behind? Have you discussed this with him? If you can’t discuss it with him, then maybe you need to consider the future of the relationship.
He needs to be able to speak with you openly and honestly about this. If he cannot, then maybe this is not the relationship that you want to be in.
Do NOT be a martyr. It never made anyone any happier.
The best you can hope for is a good conversation with him where you make your position very clear and the two of you go forward and set reaasonable goals for your future together.
I saw one of the Bees mention Mr. Bee’s Pact and I am not sure what that is about but I suggest using the search feature to figure it out!
Post # 4
I don’t think you’re crazy at all. In fact I think you are acting like a rational woman in a very difficult situation. Of course he’s okay to “let things come” when he is calling all of the shots! So if he gets an awesome job out of state, you better join him or deal with it on your own?
It sounds like both of you want very different things in your relationship. I think a good talk is in order, but if you are not on the same page about getting married and starting a family relatively quickly, then it might be time to move on.
If you DO want to stay with him and try to work things out, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to make huge compromises like moving across the country to stay with him (without being engaged or married) and possibly waiting years to have kids so that he can settle into his dream career. But is that fair for you to make all the compromises? Ask if he is willing to hold off on his dream job a while longer so you can get married. Ask where he sees himself having children. Explain exactly how you feel about the future and your own timeline and see how he responds. He might just need a wake up call as some men seem to forget they can’t have their cake and eat it too — (have their dream job, dream girl, dream life, and a family while relatively young – something has to give!)