Post # 1
I’m pretty much a giant lurker, but there’s something I need advice with.
My dear friend has been dating a boy for two and a half years. She’s 23 and he’s 20.
They have been doing a back and forth game of “when are we going to be engaged?” and he says “soon.” However there was one time he completely flipped out on her when we were talking about a friend’s engagement and said he did not want to marry her. Then it was back to “I can’t wait to be married to you.” Then once he muttered if he won the jackpot he’d leave and not take her with him (I heard this not her). And then now he says that an engagement is soon, and if she wouldn’t have pestered him he would have asked six months ago.
I don’t like or trust this guy and think he’s just saying things so she doesn’t break up with him, which she has seriously debated during his ‘off’ phases.
What should I do? Do I zip my mouth and wait and see what happens? Should I voice my concerns for her only when he’s being a jerk? Should I just lovingly support her through everything good and bad?
As a side note, as much as I dearly love this girl she is not the brightest or most cunning girl. She has also been pestering me every day about whether or not her “special” Christmas present is an e-ring… and she’s convinced that it is.
Post # 3
He’s only 20. While some men may be ready at that age, he certainly sounds like he’s not.
Post # 4
They both sound too immature to get married, in my opinion. It also sounds like she wants to be engaged just to be engaged.
When she talks to you about e-ring stuff, I wouldn’t go along with her delusions. I would ask frankly if she feels both she and he are ready for the lifelong commitment- if you have that type of relationship with her where you can say those things of course.
And if she is debating on leaving him- which I bet will come up if he doesn’t propose this week- then I would seriously ask her why she wants to be married to someone that she is thinking of leaving?
Post # 5
He is still very young, and they both sound immature. I would probably just be there and support her with whatever she decides but a relationship like this can easily fizzle out.
Post # 6
He’s 20. Most guys I know don’t even know what they want to do with thier lives before 25, let alone have any concept of what ebing married owuld be. He’s playing games with her, and while I don’t want to disparage realtionships that do work when to age difference is older woman/younger man, I’m going to ahve to state that statistically, women arre pretty often more ready for marriage and children earlier than the man. If you have men waiting till 28-35 to get married, and then wanting a few more years before becoming dads, that’ put your friend at 31-38 before her SO would be reliably ready IMO. He doesn’t sound mature enough to want to be an H.
Post # 7
Frankly, neither of them sound like they have the maturity to get married. But anything you say, no matter how well-intentioned, is going to be received badly. This is the kind of thing where you mind your own business unless you are specifically asked for your opinion. Even then, tread carefully.
Post # 9
@FlamingRedHair: He’s a baby! Some boys are ready to be married at 20. The majority are not. They both sound like they have much more growing up to do. You should grow up yourself and find out who you are as a person before attaching yourself to another person. At 20 I was a child compared to what I was like at 25. There was no way I was in the midset to settle down and have to take care of anyone but myself. I think you should offer your support, but other than that, they need to work it out.
Post # 10
I think this is a case of him being really young and not being ready to handle the pressure of an impending engagement. I don’t think she needs to “woman up” – I think she needs to have a calm, honest talk with him about whether he’s ready for a committment like that. If they aren’t already having that conversation, then frankly I question whether either of them are ready!
Post # 11
Thanks, I tried to ask a few friends in real life but everyone just says “she’s too young” before they listen to anything else.
Post # 12
@FlamingRedHair:I don’t understand how a girl who is three years older than her BF who is only 20, can pester him to be engaged. Girls are usually ready before guys for ONE and two, IMO, 20 is way way way too young for a man to feel like he can support a wife/potential family. I think if she’s looking for marriage that badly, she should look for someone more ready for it.
Though, when I was 23 and my college bf was 23, I swore I was soooo ready and turns out, he soooo wasn’t…soooo….that’s a lot of so’s. Sorry. Hope this wasn’t offensive, but my brother is 22, and I could never see him getting married now so I can’t imagine a 20 year old!!