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I know how you feel, and honestly, waiting did put a damper on things. I was still super happy, of course, but the bitterness of waiting came back and bit me in the butt once the brand new engagement glow wore off. It's best to just go about your life and try not to think about it too much (hard, I know) You are just two different people on two slightly different timelines, but you still love each other like crazy and will be very happy :)
Please please plead read this and learn from my waiting mistake!
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/nagged-and-cried-and-it-worked-but
I am also in the waiting line. SO and I have a ring picked out, and now it's all up to him. I feel something different everyday in regards to waiting. Somedays are good, some are bad, some are indifferent. What I've realized is that there are definite phases to waiting. There is Excitement, Anticipation, Impatience, Denial, Anger, Hurt, The Need to End the Relationship, Hope...the phases continue on and on and change without notice. The only advice I can truly give you is to enjoy your SO and the moments you share. Not having a pretty ring on our finger does not give us any reason to love our dear SOs any less, or to take out our impatience on them. Focus on how lucky you are to be with your SO. That makes every second of the wait worth it. Good luck!
I felt like you did during my "waiting" period. It felt like torture.. But after the beautiful ring he put on my figure and the most amazing proposal ever I couldn't have been happier and still felt in shock even knowing it was bound to happen soon. But do wish I enjoyed the last few months of dating more rather than just being inpatient.
I can completely relate to this. All the major milestones in our relationship (I love you, moving in together, big holidays, conversations about children and marriage, etc) have been instigated by me. My SO moves quite slowly, and is also a big scaredy cat at times, so he has needed a little push throughout the relationship. But marriage is one thing I want him to do all on his own, no pushing. And I am ready and he is "not quite". I worry sometimes that if he leaves it too long, it will take the romance out of the situation and I will be a little disappointed!
I have a friend who was waiting 5 years (they were together 9) after they starting discussing marriage before a proposal. In the end she set a firm deadline or it was over, and he proposed with a couple days to spare. And now she says she can't help but resent him for making her feel so crappy for such a long time.
Reading all the proposal stories from the waiting bees gives me hope though - most proposals seem to be amazing (and not disappointing) occasions despite the wait! I guess we just need to keep in mind why we are with SO in the first place, and all the great things about the relationship, with or without the bling :)
I was actively waiting for about a year, and I completely understand what you're feeling. I also said I love you first, and I'm not sure who wanted to move in with who first, but I know I thought it months before he mentioned it. And I KNOW I wanted to get engaged first. Through all my time waiting, loads of people I knew in high school (including my best friend) got engaged and I started to get a bitter and resentful at the whole situation. I even had a full-on breakdown when my best friend sent me a picture of the engagement ring her now-fiance bought her because I was so jealous that she was getting a ring and I wasn't yet. And there were times that I thought when he finally proposed I wouldn't feel happiness as much as I'd feel relief and a feeling of "it's about fuckin' time!" But I was wrong. As soon as he proposed, the bitterness, the resentment, the intense jealousy of all the other people who got engaged before me melted away and I was SO FRIGGIN' HAPPY. It sounds cliche, but it will get worse before it gets better. And you'll have good waiting days and bad waiting days, and when it seems like everyone around you is getting engaged, it's gonna suck, but when it happens for you, it's amazing! I promise :)
Sorry to type so much, but I vividly remember how much waiting sucks and I know exactly how you feel!
@Jenny267: I was waiting for about 10 months. I knew I was ready, he knew he was ready, but I knew he wanted to wait a bit. Drove me a bit crazy at first, especially since we both knew how we felt (didn't help he addresses all of my cards Mrs *hislastname* for every special occassion!). For the first few months I hit two occassions and was SURE he would ask. Each time he didn't and would give me a nice card with a "I love you and want to marry you, but its not hte time yet". After the second card I decided to re-frame my mind. I focused on our relationship as it was, and not waiting. Totally improved our relationship. Instead of me constantly wondering when he would get ar ing and tracking our bank accounts for large money withdrawls, I focused on ensuring we were getting "us" time, doing activities together and getting to know each other in new ways. When he did buy the ring I found out without trying (god love him, but he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to hiding things!) and that was when I joined weddingbee BECAUSE IT WAS SO UNEXPECTED! That's right-- I had gone from constantly being upset it didn't happen to being shocked and happy it did!
So my advice? Find a way to stop actively waiting with your heart and head. If you are ready and he is ready, it should happen without your disappointment and misery.
I hated waiting a lot and I whined A LOT, see any of my previous posts for verification of this :-)
The moment he asked though was more than I ever could have imagined. I was totally giddy for days. Telling people is SO MUCH FUN too :-) The feeling I got was amazing...I hope I feel that way again someday.
Anyway...moral of my story. Nothing can ruin that moment. Try (haha - I know how hard that is) to not let it get to you but don't worry about that moment. It will be perfect.
Wow, I wrote this late last night and already so many responses! This is why I love this site.
I think I'm going to take a few people advice and try try try to not think about it until it happens. Thanks for all the support!!!
@sweetcarrie: I know I said this on your other thread, but I think there's a lot to be learned from your experience, and I think you're a very brave and considerate person for sharing your stories with others.
No one wants something that they have to ask for. Don't you want to be surprised with flowers instead of having to tell your boyfriend that you want to receive them? It's so much more fun when it DOES happen then, and they feel like they're appreciated more. So try to sit back and enjoy your actual relationship. You have a boyfriend who already told you that he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. That in and of itself is amazing. The ring and the proposal is just a formality :o)
I have the same fear sometimes. I get so tired of people asking.."when are yall getting married?" Like I know, I dont have a ring yet, just a timeline. Most of my friends got married over the last 2 years and most of them to people they had been dating for about a year. My SO and I have been together for 4.5 years so sometimes it feels like people are thinking. "Whats wrong with them, they havent gotten married yet" Most of these friends have kids or are pregnant already.
It is stressful waiting and frustrating because outside of this site I dont feel like people understand how difficult it is during this pre-proposal period. Sometimes I feel bitter that my SO hasnt asked yet and I am having to deal with these emotions and people questioning things all the time. I dont want to get to the point where all this waiting will steal the joy and special moment from the proposal. Sometimes I feel he should have done it already.
I have to focus on the positive that SO and I havent rushed our relationship and have a very solid foundation for our future. We have the ring picked out and he gave me a timeline of within the first few months of 2012.
I just try to focus on the positive and keep conversations from marriage. Good luck! :)
@future.mrs.c: Looks like we are "timeline twins!" I keep my fingers crossed for you!
You can't control how you feel... not all engagements are ALL bliss. I'm sure some are thinking " Finally!" or " I don't really like the ring..." or " Why did he ask me this way?!" Totally normal. I hope it comes soon for you :)
That is awesome!! I will keep my fingers crossed for you too! Good Luck!! Hopefully, the next few months will hurry up...hahaha
We all go through this unhappy period in waiting... you just have to find ways to make it pass so that you dont end up pressuring him, or hurting your relationship. I found that making time for the things I like to do really helps. I used to never go to the gym if I knew he was at home, but now I go to the gym regardless of if he is around or not! Put yourself first, pamper yourself and plan time with friends too. Reminding him you are busy and have your own life never hurts anyway!
@2PeasinaPod: It's so funny that you used the flowers analogy, because after reading that, I came home from work to find that my boyfriend got me flowers today! I'll take it as a "sign" that I should relax and let him handle things :)
@Jenny267: I think that way too! I've been waiting for 3 years. I worry that I won't be excited or happy, and that I'll be like, "finally, took you long enough! shesh!" or I'll be , "oooooookay."
After reading the other bee's replies, I feel hopefull that I will be genuinely happy and disregard all my crazy rollercoaster and negative feelings while waiting.
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I'll start out by saying that I have NOT even been waiting that long. I'm being a total whiney-pants, and if any of you want to tell me to get over it and shut up, please do :)
We started seriously talking about marriage maybe a year ago, but I've been seriously "waiting" (that is, READY to get engaged, and really wanting him to do it) since Septemberish. I know he wants to get engaged to, and I know it's going to happen before summer (says him... but of course I know how men sometimes procrastinate, so in my head I'm translating that to mean by August). ANYWAY, here's the thing.
I said I love you first (a month before he did... yes... the most long and painful month ever). I wanted to move in first. And now, I'm ready to get engaged and he's not yet... and that makes me feel kinda crappy. And when I used to think about getting engaged/the proposal, I would get all excited... and now... I don't know, it's like I'm just annoyed that he won't just do it already.
I'm not one of those people that needs a big romantic gesture proposal. If he just did it while we were hanging out on the couch, that'd be great.
But I'm worried that when the time actually comes, I'll just be annoyed that it took him so freaking long to be ready instead of being crazy excited like I WANT to be.
Anyone else feel this way?