Post # 1
FI and I argue usually only 1-2 times per month and it’s almost never about anything significant. It’s usually when we’re tired, hungry, he’s stressed at work, or I’m PMSing. Normal stuff.
Last night’s argument started over something small but escalated quickly. I was feeling flustered over getting yelled at for nothing so said I was going to leave the room to have time to myself and calm down. He followed me a couple minutes later, the argument escalated further, and finally ended with him saying I hate him (for disagreeing with him?) and to give the ring back. My chest felt like it was split in half and I started crying immediately, yanked the ring off my finger, and threw it to hit his chest. He caught it in his hands after I threw it and continued yelling, cursing, and calling me names.
I was crying uncontrollably at this point and in my mind already started planning what things I’d pack and how I’d leave as soon as possible. I began packing up my phone and other small things and he came in trying to stop me. I told him he said to give the ring back and that’s it, no going back. He kept grabbing my hands then trying to grab the bag and take it away from me, etc.
A few minutes later he began apologizing, saying he’s stressed at work and hasn’t slept well lately so he’s been on edge. He said he loves me and wants to marry me and that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He said he doesn’t want to lose me and begs for me to take the ring back. I’m still crying and feeling like my heart is torn apart and I refuse to take the ring. I didn’t feel I could forgive this and move on and give him a fresh start.
He begs me and gives me compliments and says nice things for hours but I still won’t accept the ring back and was still planning to leave in my mind. Eventually, at around 4 AM, I cave out of exhaustion and say I forgive him and he puts the ring back on my finger.
I woke up this morning crying and I’m still feeling like I was punched in the chest. I’m confused, scared, hurt, and angry and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should forgive him and I know I’ll never be able to forget the awful things he said. He seemed genuinely sorry but I’m so hurt I can’t think straight.
I would really appreciate some advice. 🙁
Post # 3
I think you have to first admit that arguing a couple of times a month is not a “normal” thing, and that stress, PMS or being tired do not make it okay to fight on these levels. Adults in healthy relationships need to learn how to disagree without raising voices, hurling insults, throwing things or worse. It’s disrespectful to your partner, it’s almost always emotionally worse than whatever the initial disagreement was about, and it’s pointless. Accepting it and saying, well this is normal, I had PMS blah blah, is immature and not a good foundation for a relationship. So if you want this relationship to survive, you need to learn how to disagree in a productive and healthy manner. That may mean reading some books and practicing; it may mean actual therapy/couples counseling. But that behavior has got to stop, period. Whether or not you can forgive this most recent fight is another question, which no one but you can answer, but it’s kind of pointless to move further with the relationship if you’re not going to do something about your conflict style.
Post # 4
Sorry, but NAME CALLING and shouting are total deal breakers as far as I’m concerned. We are not 8 years old and on a playground anymore. Totally unacceptable. Fighting like that is not normal, at all. I would suggest some relationshp counseling to learn how to “fight fair”, and learn how to not let work stress and tiredness translate into fighting with each other.
Post # 5
@fishbone: I agree that even 1-2 arguments per month is too many. My FI keeps saying over and over that it’s normal.
In all of my prior relationships I never had issues with arguing. I’ve never argued with my friends, family, or exes. I told FI this after I was becoming upset over how frequently we argue and he brushed me off, saying arguing is normal.
FI has a short fuse and has always been irritable and edgy and most of the time I have patience with it and overlook it but occasionally I lose patience, usually when I’m not feeling well.
He also makes wild accusations while he’s agitated, accusing me of being mean, ungrateful, hating him, and worse. I try to gently remind him if any of those things were true I would not be with him or willing to marry him. I remind him of how I am considerate of him, cook him meals, pick things up specially for him, how I’m a good friend and listener to him. It never seems to sink in and I’m frequently accused of those things, which tends to feed into depression I’ve struggled with my entire life. In these times he makes me feel like I’m a terrible partner and person in general, that I’m someone who mistreats loved ones… but in reality I’m really not that person at all.
Post # 6
Do arguments usually result in yelling?
I personally have a terrible habit (although I’m much, much better) at saying terribly dramatic things when my mind is overcome by anger and I feel I’ve been wronged. If my SO hadn’t forgiven me on the few occasions it happened, I would hate myself even more because I know myself and that what I said isn’t representative of how I feel. The times it happened, it gave me a chance to grow and improve and it has stopped happening. If it is not normal for him to do this all the time, I say forgive him.
However, all of that is null if you can’t move past it. Being hurt too badly is a perfectly sound reason to question things.
Post # 7
ShIt happens, if its a one time thing I’d forgive an forget. We’ve all said things we regret in the heat I the moment, I know both DH ad I both have. That being said I don’t find monthly fights normal. DH and I fight maybe 1-2x a year. I’d be more concerned about that then the fact one time things got out of control and he asked for the rig back. Sure if it happens every fight that not healthy but one time I’d let it go.
Post # 8
@winstonchurchill: We both tend to have that habit, though his reactions are very severe, much worse than mine.
I have difficulty expressing anger because it scares me, so when I’m upset I tend to stay calm until I’m repeatedly pushed then I just pop.
I have a lot of patience but he tests me frequently and if I’m feeling sick or tired I have difficulty dealing with his temper and my illness.
I’ve never had anger issues with literally any other person in my entire life. This dynamic scares me at times and maybe it’s just not right…
Post # 9
Theres a saying: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, and expecting different results.
If you don’t do something about your conflict styles– both of you– this wont be the last “worst argument yet” you ever have.
Post # 10
@Riesz: I am speaking from experience here. This is not right, so many red flags here: he should not be yelling at you, asking for the ring back, following you when you went to calm down (which was a great idea), grabbing your bag from you, making accusations. You said you have not had this happen in other relationships and to answer your question: that is a scary dynamic and just not right.
Please don’t just let things go back to normal! If I were you I would talk to a counselor (alone or with him, whatever you prefer) and talk to someone else (friends, family) about what happens when you fight. Your should not have to be careful about being patient when he is edgy and there is no excuse for treating you that way (even if you get mad back).
Post # 11
As someone who has been in an abusive relationship – my advice is to go to a safe place and sort things out without the influence of your FI. This sounds like the beginnings of an abusive relationship and you need to take this fight seriously and to heart. Him following you and escalating the situation when you try to remove yourself is not good. Him calling you names and putting you down and asking for the ring back are all signs of an abusive relationship.
Post # 12
an ex of mine used to follow me when I tried to leave the room to calm down, and it gave me such an feeling of anxiety- a feeling that I was unsafe- that I’m agreeing with PPs here, these are red flags. When you say you argue 1-2 times per month, are these full blown arguments or just bickering? I think there is a difference and it matters. I also think you both get too emotional and might say things you dont mean. If these arguments are only happening when you’re both tired/frustrated/dont feel well, then- frankly- you both need to grow up and learn how to communicate with one another. Things like “Babe, I’m so exhausted from work today, will you make dinner tonight?” can comeplete avoid an argument where you avoid expressing how you feel.
Post # 13
Hearing additional information about this has changed my mind from my original thought. Now, this sounds like an old relationship of mine that was seriously destructive to my self-esteem and happiness. I can’t imagine what condition I’d be in now if I hadn’t gotten out.
there are men out there that can communicate without fight, that can fight without attack, and that know the line and wil never cross it. It’s up to you which way you want to live.
Post # 14
OP your update sounds very sad. The fact that he dismisses your feelings that fighting so often isn’t normal is a red flag. It may be normal for him but it’s obviously not normal or desirable for you. It sounds like he takes his insecurities out on you. He doesn’t sound capable right now of dealing with stress in a way that won’t damage your relationship. And it doesn’t help that you suffer from depression. Also, the fact that he hasn’t taken ownership of his role in all this is a red flag. And he most definitely shouldn’t be calling you names! I had a long term relationship where we didn’t fight well but we still just knew that name calling was way out of line without ever discussing it. It never happened and it’s certainly never happens in my marriage.
I think you need a healthier relationship for your own emotional well being!
Post # 15
@Riesz: one last thing. YOU set the standard for how people treat you. He either works seriously to address his problems or you leave.
Post # 16
@Riesz: I don’t know him and I don’t know you but I will tell you my opinion, the person that is the best person for you will bring out the BEST in you NOT the worst….the way that you behave with this guy you have never behaved like that before…and that’s not a good thing.
I agree with PPs that something is not right in this situation and his behavior toward you is unacceptable and not good for you at all…
Not knowing you or him personally I hate to say this but if I were you I would really reconsider marrying him…because 1 to 2 arguments a month with all that yelling screaming anxiety name calling etc. is no way to live and no way to raise children.
Quite frankly it sounds like he has issues and needs help and is going to cause you if he hasn’t already to have issues too!
I hope you quickly figure out what you need to do here but I strongly urge you to consider whether or not this is a relationship you want to stay in and whether or not you want a future with someone like this. I wish you the best of luck because you don’t have to take this.