Worst argument yet…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you have to first admit that arguing a couple of times a month is not a “normal” thing, and that stress, PMS or being tired do not make it okay to fight on these levels. Adults in healthy relationships need to learn how to disagree without raising voices, hurling insults, throwing things or worse. It’s disrespectful to your partner, it’s almost always emotionally worse than whatever the initial disagreement was about, and it’s pointless. Accepting it and saying, well this is normal, I had PMS blah blah, is immature and not a good foundation for a relationship. So if you want this relationship to survive, you need to learn how to disagree in a productive and healthy manner. That may mean reading some books and practicing; it may mean actual therapy/couples counseling. But that behavior has got to stop, period.  Whether or not you can forgive this most recent fight is another question, which no one but you can answer,  but it’s kind of pointless to move further with the relationship if you’re not going to do something about your conflict style.

Post # 4
Member
4216 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry, but NAME CALLING and shouting are total deal breakers as far as I’m concerned. We are not 8 years old and on a playground anymore. Totally unacceptable. Fighting like that is not normal, at all. I would suggest some relationshp counseling to learn how to “fight fair”, and learn how to not let work stress and tiredness translate into fighting with each other. 

Post # 6
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

Do arguments usually result in yelling?

 

I personally have a terrible habit (although I’m much, much better) at saying terribly dramatic things when my mind is overcome by anger and I feel I’ve been wronged. If my SO hadn’t forgiven me on the few occasions it happened, I would hate myself even more because I know myself and that what I said isn’t representative of how I feel. The times it happened, it gave me a chance to grow and improve and it has stopped happening. If it is not normal for him to do this all the time, I say forgive him.

 

However, all of that is null if you can’t move past it. Being hurt too badly is a perfectly sound reason to question things.

 

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ShIt happens, if its a one time thing I’d forgive an forget. We’ve all said things we regret in the heat I the moment, I know both DH ad I both have. That being said I don’t find monthly fights normal. DH and I fight maybe 1-2x a year. I’d be more concerned about that then the fact one time things got out of control and he asked for the rig back. Sure if it happens every fight that not healthy but one time I’d let it go.

Post # 9
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Theres a saying: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, and expecting different results. 

If you don’t do something about your conflict styles– both of you– this wont be the last “worst argument yet” you ever have.

Post # 10
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Riesz:  I am speaking from experience here.  This is not right, so many red flags here: he should not be yelling at you, asking for the ring back, following you when you went to calm down (which was a great idea), grabbing your bag from you, making accusations.  You said you have not had this happen in other relationships and to answer your question: that is a scary dynamic and just not right.

Please don’t just let things go back to normal! If I were you I would talk to a counselor (alone or with him, whatever you prefer) and talk to someone else (friends, family) about what happens when you fight.  Your should not have to be careful about being patient when he is edgy and there is no excuse for treating you that way (even if you get mad back).

Post # 11
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship – my advice is to go to a safe place and sort things out without the influence of your FI. This sounds like the beginnings of an abusive relationship and you need to take this fight seriously and to heart. Him following you and escalating the situation when you try to remove yourself is not good. Him calling you names and putting you down and asking for the ring back are all signs of an abusive relationship.

Post # 12
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

an ex of mine used to follow me when I tried to leave the room to calm down, and it gave me such an feeling of anxiety- a feeling that I was unsafe- that I’m agreeing with PPs here, these are red flags.  When you say you argue 1-2 times per month, are these full blown arguments or just bickering? I think there is a difference and it matters.  I also think you both get too emotional and might say things you dont mean.  If these arguments are only happening when you’re both tired/frustrated/dont feel well, then- frankly- you both need to grow up and learn how to communicate with one another.  Things like “Babe, I’m so exhausted from work today, will you make dinner tonight?” can comeplete avoid an argument where you avoid expressing how you feel.

Post # 13
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Hearing additional information about this has changed my mind from my original thought. Now, this sounds like an old relationship of mine that was seriously destructive to my self-esteem and happiness. I can’t imagine what condition I’d be in now if I hadn’t gotten out.

there are men out there that can communicate without fight, that can fight without attack, and that know the line and wil never cross it. It’s up to you which way you want to live. 

Post # 14
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Andthepupmakes3:  +1!

OP your update sounds very sad. The fact that he dismisses your feelings that fighting so often isn’t normal is a red flag. It may be normal for him but it’s obviously not normal or desirable for you. It sounds like he takes his insecurities out on you. He doesn’t sound capable right now of dealing with stress in a way that won’t damage your relationship. And it doesn’t help that you suffer from depression. Also, the fact that he hasn’t taken ownership of his role in all this is a red flag. And he most definitely shouldn’t be calling you names! I had a long term relationship where we didn’t fight well but we still just knew that name calling was way out of line without ever discussing it. It never happened and it’s certainly never happens in my marriage. 

I think you need a healthier relationship for your own emotional well being!

Post # 15
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Riesz:  one last thing. YOU set the standard for how people treat you. He either works seriously to address his problems or you leave.

Post # 16
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Riesz:  I don’t know him and I don’t know you but I will tell you my opinion, the person that is the best person for you will bring out the BEST in you NOT the worst….the way that you behave with this guy you have never behaved like that before…and that’s not a good thing.

I agree with PPs that something is not right in this situation and his behavior toward you is unacceptable and not good for you at all…

Not knowing you or him personally I hate to say this but if I were you I would really reconsider marrying him…because 1 to 2 arguments a month with all that yelling screaming anxiety name calling etc. is no way to live and no way to raise children.

Quite frankly it sounds like he has issues and needs help and is going to cause you if he hasn’t already to have issues too!

I hope you quickly figure out what you need to do here but I strongly urge you to consider whether or not this is a relationship you want to stay in and whether or not you want a future with someone like this.  I wish you the best of luck because you don’t have to take this.

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