Post # 1
I need to vent and I do need advice but I request everyone to be kind while giving responses. I am going through a difficult time right now. Lately, all my friends have been coming back into town for the holidays. As we meet up, they are asking me when my BF and I are going to get engaged. It’s been hard to say “I don’t know yet!” but I’ve always managed to do it. This weekend, I decided to talk to my SO about getting engaged. Apparently his father also asked him if he was getting me a ring for Christmas. I just about lost it then. After he told me that, we ended up fighting because he thinks I am pressuring him too much. My (probably screwed up rationale) is that since we are cellibate + not living together, getting engaged is the obvious next step. I brought it up becuase I am frustrated with this. Sadly, I shouldn’t be talking about my frustration so often with him. Maybe a friend or my mother is a better open ear. Regardless, we fought because now he is worried that one day, he will have the ring and I will pressure him again and he will have to push it back. He also fears that now I will not be surprised when he does propose. He says me bringing it up hurts him, but it hurts me too. I understand that some believe that a proposal is his time, his surprise. But, we are not moving in and are celibate because of him and I just wanted some input. He has threatened that if I bring it up again, we will be done because he doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. I bring it up because I hear him talking about religion or sports so passionately, and I was hurt he never talks about marrying me/a future with me like that. Where can I go from here? I know I need to not bring up engagement/marriage/etc. Now with the holidays, it is so hard. Have I ruined a surprise by knowing it is going to happen in 6 months or less? My SO seems to believe that women are blindsided by proposals. Sadly, I will not be, yet I want to keep the surprise alive. I know I can help do that by not thinking about it so much. HELP! 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I’m sorry to say this, but if my partner told me that ME discussing MY feelings, hopes, and dreams would result in him ending our relationship, then I would take it as a sign that it was not the right relationship for me. Both partners should be free to discuss their thoughts and feelings at all times in a healthy relationship. Period.
I have a newsflash for your SO- Marriage means TONS of upsetting/difficuly/emotionally wrenching conversations that you don’t want to have but you do it anyway. If he doesn’t want to have to deal with that reality, then he really is not ready for marriage.
Post # 4
How long have you guys been together and how old are you?
Post # 5
You said he never talks about marrying you or having a future with you. But that the proposal is happening within 6 months? And I’m not sure what being celibate and not living together has to do with the process of getting engaged here. I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time but not sure what advice to give because I’m confused by your post. Overall though, it does sound like you’re bringing it up too much with him and you’re pushing him away. You should relax and try not to get so frustrated because you should be enjoying the life journey with him.
Post # 6
@fainavach1992: He threatened to end the relationship? Hun, if it isn’t happy now then it never will be…There are tons of waiting bee’s that are working hard to hold off on bugging their SO’s but none of them are being told that they face a break up! I think it is time for you to walk away because waiting is stressful and he should be as supportive as he can. He DOES hold the power to propose but YOU hold the power to leave.
I am so sorry you have gone through this and it does sound like you are pushing him away…Either have an adult conversation where you decide to leave it alone but recieve a timeline or say your final good bye
Post # 7
@fainavach1992: Can you give us a little more information? Your ages, how long you’ve been together, more info on his religious beliefs about celibacy? I will say that I think it’s perfectly normal, if not actually better, for you to know its within 6 months. His idea that a woman should be blindsided by a proposal isn’t how most people choose to go. It takes a ton of talking about the future in great detail to decide if you’re really right for each other and those talks lead to an obvious conclusion, engagement. I know you must feel sad that he feels upset and pressured but I can really really see how hard this is for you. Did he say within 6 months? If so trust him and love him and try to leave him alone about proposals until that 6 months is up.
Post # 8
That is not a good sign. You both need to be able to openly discuss your future. Engagements are not normally a surprise, no mater what people tell you. You will find a lot more people who decided over breakfast that they were getting married than people who had a flashmob surprise them with a ring. Both partners need to know they are headed in the same direction.
That said, I’m not sure how the conversation started, so it might have felt like pressure to him, espeically after his dad asked. My suggestion is to let you both have a cooling off period, likely until January and bring up his/your timeline for getting married. Don’t start with “So and so asked me when we are getting engaged.” You need to start with you two as a couple. “SO, I love you and can see spending the rest of my life with you. I don’t want to pressure you to get engaged, but I want to make sure that we are on the same page.”
Post # 9
Does your SO actually talk EVER about wanting to spend his life with you and marry you? Or are you pushing him because like you said, you’re celibate and not living together? Those two things are NOT a reason to get engaged. You get engaged with the intention to marry beacuse you want to spend your lives with each other.
Maybe you should take a stepo back and think about wether he’s ever said he wants to marry you on his own accord. And if not, then why are you pushing him to propose?
Again… I want to reiterate that being celibate and not living together does NOT mean that engagement should be the next step!
Post # 10
@fainavach1992: I feel your pain. My SO too, wants the proposal itself to be a complete surprise. However, we’ve discussed a timeline because while I understand that he wants the proposal itself to be a surprise, it’s both of our futures we’re talking about so I think it’s imperative that both partners discuss timelines etc. It’s unfair for one partner to be left in the complete dark about their future or be made to feel bad about bringing it up. I think it’s completely crazy of him to threaten a break up with you if you bring it up again. It’s your future & your life, too!
Did you know before this fight that the proposal would be in 6 months or less? Or is something he shared with you while you had this fight? If you knew the 6 month timeline before this fight, I can somewhat understand his frustration with you constantly bringing it up.
However, if you didn’t know ahead of time then I agree with my first comment (about him acting crazy) Like I said, your future, feelings, hopes, dreams, wants is something you have every right to bring up and discuss with your partner!
Post # 12
@marie02: Since he first told me this July that he is thinking about proposing in a year, I’ve pushed it heavily.
Post # 13
Being celibate has nothing to do with when it is the right time for a couple to get engaged.
Post # 14
Do you want to get married because you love him and can’t imagine your life without him? Or because you are celebate and not living together?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t rush an engagement just because you want to have sex.
Post # 15
@fainavach1992: I am curious like another poster as to your age and how long you and SO have been together?
As far as advice goes, for the time being I would let things cool off a little with marriage talk. I think it might be making your SO a little uncomfortable. I understand you wanting to know where things are going so that you can plan your life/future, but at the same time if all he hears (or thinks he hears) from you is “wedding! proposal! do it!” then he’s going to think that’s all you want (as opposed to wanting a life together).
Give him until after the holidays without you mentioning anything. If/when people ask you when it’s going to happen, just respond with, “It will happen when the time is right! We’re so happy and we already have a life together, so everything else is just icing on the cake!” Maybe in a couple of months you can sit down with him and very gently explain to him that:
1) you understand why he wanted you to back off with talking about it
2) you didn’t mean to pressure him or make him uncomfortable; you simply want to know what the future looks like, whether or not he sees you in it with him and that it’s important to you to be able to talk about things like this
3) that you love him (I assume this is true, since you want to marry him), and that you just want to make sure you’re communicating and are on the same page.
4) then, tell him that you just wanted to get that out and that now you’re going to drop it
5) drop it, and see what happens. I don’t think you should wait around for 40 years and not get what YOU want out of life, however I think giving him those 6 months or so without bringing it up will be a huge indicator of whether he’s serious about moving it forward. In the meantime, focus on yourself–pick up a new hobby, hang out with your GFs, etc.
best of luck, OP. 🙂
Post # 16
@SomedaymrsWDS: I am 21, he’s 24 with a job as an accountant. We reside in TX. I am starting work in August. He is part of Church of Christ and does not believe that sex should be outside marriage. He does not drink either. Our relationship has been so real. I understand we are young. I love him a lot. He is the most realistic, intelligent, kind person I know, with the exception of being selfish sometimes. He’s actually about to pick me up in afew hours to go home with him to his parent’s house and I am wondering if I should bail.