Post # 1
I feel so awful for my hubby. He is so kind and caring and an amazing father. How he ended up with the parents he has is beyond me. Oh wait- it’s because he was raised by his grandparents thank goodness. Hubby’s are the worst people ever. I never thought so until recently. I have always been pleasant and nice to them. They let hubby go live with his grandparents because they supposedly didn’t have the money to take him to the hospital when he had pnuemonia. They had plenty to go out with though. They constantly favor his brother over him. They call hubby maybe once every few months. They never offered to help out with the wedding or anything and then got mad and said we didn’t spend enough time with them at the reception or thank them enough. I could go on and on about that.
What makes them the WORST grandparents ever is this. Our son is 16 weeks old and they have seen him TWICE! They live in the same town as us and have seen him twice. They didn’t come to the hospital when he was born because hubby’s mom was supposedly sick. She was well enough to go shopping with his brother’s wife. Our son was 4 weeks old when they finally came and saw him. The only other time they saw him was at his baptism and the only reason they were invited is because hubby’s grandma made us feel guilty about not wanting to invite them. They came to his baptism and didn’t even want to hold him. His mom asked for some pictures of him and hubby said she would need to come over in order to get them. So she went to his grandma and took some of the pictures we gave her.
I am not sure what to do or say to hubby about this. He is beyond hurt. I get angry with him when they do call because he tells them all about our son and what he is up to and how he is doing. I don’t feel they deserve to know. If they can’t come see him then they don’t need to know anything about him. They are type of people that are fake. They act like the world’s best grandparents when people are around but when no one is there to see it, they don’t bother. The only reason they want to know information is so when someone asks how he’s doing, they dont’ look like the douchebags they are.
I have come to the end of my rope with these people. They didn’t even bother to call on Easter. They went and had Easter with hubby’s brother and didn’t even bother to call us and ask us what are plans are. His dad invited themselves over Xmas eve because hubby’s brother was out of town. I was 9 months pregnant and said no, we are staying home by ourselves because I didn’t want to have to make a big meal for them. They didn’t even offer to bring dinner over. Hubby’s mom has called me some nasty things and never apologized and lies about saying anything when her own husband heard what she said. Hubby doesn’t have a relationship with his brother. That’s a whole different post.
I guess I am asking about what to do when/if they call anytime soon. Hubby asks my opinion and I tell him that I don’t think they deserve to have a relationship with our son. It’s not up to us to make it happen. They have shown that they have no interest in being grandparents whatsoever. Hubby is still wanting that relationship with his parents and they have clearly shown they don’t feel the same. The only time his dad calls is when he wants something. Not to see how we are or anything. It was nice getting a Xmas card from them with hubby’s name on it only. Guess they forgot we were married.
Any ideas or advice??
Post # 3
I have some of these types of people in my family…luckily not my immediate family. From my experience, it sounds like 1) they either don’t like you or 2) they don’t like your husband. I’m not sure which one it is but I know of people that have nothing to do with their grandkids and it’s because of who they are with.
You mention they spend time with your BIL and his wife. Did they raise BIL but not your husband? If so, that could be the reason. They feel closer to him.
I was told once that blood doesn’t define the relationship, the relationship defines the relationship. As upset as you may be, it might be a good thing not to have these people in your son’s life.
Post # 4
Sounds like you don’t need these people in your life at all.
Post # 5
Do we share inlaws? This sounds exactly like my Mother-In-Law, she actually quit talking to Darling Husband after we told her because “she wasn’t ready to be a Grandma”, she ended up not see our Dirty Delete until she was over a month old and saw her a total of 4 times the entire first year of her life. My Dirty Delete has no idea who this woman is (we see her about 2 times a year and she lives an hour away).
What we have done is surround her with all of the family who do truely want to be involved in her life. DH’s Dad and family are great and she loves playing with the cousins on that side. And my family is pretty close too. After some of the things Mother-In-Law has said to Darling Husband I think it might be best that she is so distant, I would never want my kids to feel bad because of her crazy way of thinking.
Post # 6
@texasbee: They did raise hubby’s brother. They call him all the time. The thing that I don’t get though, his wife has said the meanest and nastiest things to hubby’s mom and she does everything and anything for this girl. I have always been pleasant and nice and respectful and get treated the worst. I don’t care how they feel about me, but the way they treat hubby. No parent should ever favor one child over another to this extreme. I can understand being closer to one then ther other but to downright basically abandon one is not right. Hubby’s grandfather even told his mom that she has no business being a mother. Hubby can see how much they favor his brother who is a complete loser. We have a restraining order against him and his wife due to threats of violence and acts of violence. Hubby’s mom is delusional. She says he and his brother have always been close. HA! They have never been close.
My concern is our son. I don’t want him growing up knowing that he as 2 sets of grandparents and only one set wants to be in his life. My girls( from a previous marriage) see how hubby’s parents are and don’t want to be around them. They are polite when they have to be around them but prefer not to be.
Post # 7
It’s better to have your son grow up with just one set of grandparents than to have him grow up in a negative, hostile relationship with the second set.
You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family, and it looks like you got the short end of the family stick in this deal. I’d try to move on with life without those folks in it, and if they come to their senses one day, you can always decide then if you’ll let them back in. But you shouldn’t try to force a relationship with such unwilling people just because they’re “family.” If they were “friends” you’d have removed them from the friend list a long time ago. No reason anyone should get special treatment just because of DNA. If they don’t want to be in your lives, then go have a happy life without them.
Post # 8
Wow….that is my grandma to the T!! She didn’t see me until I was a month old, she NEVER came to see me or my brother, but she went to visit my cousins all the time.
You’re right though, it’s not your job to make sure your son has a relationship with his grandparents, it’s their job. My grandma didn’t want that job and now I only see her when I have to (I haven’t talked to her since Christmas). When your son is older, he’ll realize that his grandparents don’t want anything to do with him and it will hurt, trust me, I went through it. After the hurt goes away, he’ll probably be angry and have the attitude of “if you don’t want to see me, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
I think you’re husband needs to understand what’s going on with his parents. My dad doesn’t see what his mom does to me and my brother and that makes things really hard. Anytime your in-laws do something negative, be sure to point it out to your husband, but not in a complaining sort of way. Sit him down and gently explain what happened and how that made you feel. That’s what me and my mom started doing and now my dad is slowly understanding that his mom doesn’t like his family. It’s making things a bit easier to deal with.
Sorry to say, but unless you start talking to your husband and dealing with this as a family, your situation is going to get worse before it gets better.
Post # 9
aww, I totally feel for you. I have people like that in my family too. Doesn’t it just burn you up that they only make an appearance when there’s some glory/recognition in it for them!! I know this very well. In my particular case (which it might pertain to yours) is that they probably weren’t very nurturing people to begin with, and maybe your brother in law kisses their ass more so their egos like being around them more. I know that I get the cold shoulder from my other grandparents (who I was never close with) because of the fact that I won’t be talked to rudely or not stand up for myself just because they happen to be my dads parents- and they know this..but everyone else bows down to them and takes their critisizm.
Oh- and as far as my 10 year old daughter goes I won’t let her be exposed to anyone that would ever make her feel the way they made me feel when I was young-family or not, it’s bad for them. Hell it took me some 15 odd years to get over why they didn’t embrace me. So ya, keep your distance from them and with your child. You will set the pace of the relationship with them and your daughter, so keep it minimal and there’s less chance of dissapointment. simple.
Post # 10
@fishbone: totally agree with this. My dad’s parents are toxic, and we cut off contact with them many years ago. Never once regretted it, and it was the best for our family.
My husband’s mother is no longer in our lives for the past 2 years, and I don’t think she ever will be again. She chose her path, so we don’t feel sorry about it.
Just because a family member is toxic, does not mean you have to put up with them. Why should your husband continue to feel hurt when it comes to them??? It might be better to cut all contact, and see if they come around. If not, you might be best off without them
Post # 11
My family lives about 40 minutes away but they want to see our son all the time. They are very involved grandparents. Always have been. My dad is retired and while I was on maternity leave, he always had an excuse to come to our town just so he could come see his little buddy 🙂
I think that the hardest thing is seeing how hurt my hubby is. His parents have basically abandoned him and all he has ever wanted was a relationship with them. His brother hates hubby because he lived with their grandparents while the brother lived with their parents. Their parents can barely get by and can hardly take care of themselves. They mooch off hubby’s grandma like crazy.
I told my mom that if this was me and my family was acting this way, they would be cut off. I would change my number or block theirs and all ties would be cut. No one will ever treat me or my kids the way hubby’s parents have treated him and our son.
Post # 12
@mrskisstobe: Its difficult when the child wants a relationship, but what your husband needs to understand is that regardless of what he wants, it will probably never happen. I would try to nicely urge him to not contact them, to see how they react. I think that as time goes on, and they keep doing negative things, he will get that “aha” moment. It took a few years of my husband’s mother only calling to complain that we never came to see her, or something was wrong with her car, for him to finally get pissed enough to want to cut her out. By that point, I had told him she was not welcome in my house, but if he wanted a relationship with her, that was his choice, but I was no longer putting in the effort. Once I did that, he was very quick to do the same
Post # 13
Hubby has said that if they do call then he is not going to answer. We will see if he does it. I have told him my opinion on the whole situation and that we are better off without them. I asked why he would want our son subjected to them and have to feel rejected.
I think the only reason hubby still wants contact is because he really doesn’t have alot of family and sees how close my parents are with me and brother and is somewhat envious of that. The only person in hubby’s family who has been there for him thru the years and actually has a relationship with him and our son is hubby’s grandma. The ONLY one. It’s quite sad. His aunts and uncles are about the same as his parents. His whole family is kind of messed up.
Post # 14
@MrsSl82be: I am already to the point of not wanting to be around his parents. I have told hubby that if he chooses to have a relationship with them fine, but I will not be around them and neither will my children.
I have tried to explain to him that they are choosing to not have a relationship with him or our son and that he can’t force them to have one.
He doesn’t call them. If they call he will talk to them. I tell him though that he needs to stop giving them information about our son because they can’t be bothered to come see him so why should they get to know anything about him.
Post # 15
I am really sorry for you, your Darling Husband and your son. It’s awful. I sadly know all about having awful inlaws.
My MIL/SIL refuse to treat me with any amount of respect or my Darling Husband.
Our DS is 4 months old and they JUST met him. We never got a card when he was born, and have had very little contact. They felt we should have made the trip to see them after baby was born, umm really. I had a C-section and it’s a 4 hour drive, and none the less they treat me like crap.
My Mother-In-Law never helped with our wedding, she acted like a lunatic and we had to have her removed. My Father-In-Law is just as bad, not nuts, but is terrified of his EX wife that he actually won’t see his grandson. He came up 2 weeks after the baby was born, and got reemed for it and since then has no interest in being apart of our life.
It def hurts me at times but then I remind myself that we don’t need them in our life to be happy. My parents are amazing with my Son and my Darling Husband, they make up for it all.
It’s hard but don’t let people like that get you down. You have to know in your heart that it’s probably for the best that people like that aren’t in your life. They are only hurting themselves.
Post # 16
Hubby says since she gave birth to him he feels like he can’t just forget them and move on. I told him that just because she gave birth to him doesn’t make her a mother. She has never acted like a mother to him. I told him they are the ones choosing to not have a relationship with him or our son. I get really mad at him because he needs to put our son first and not let them treat him the way they treat hubby. I told him if it was my family I would have told them to F off a long time ago and never looked back.