(Closed) Worst news EVER to get 8 months before your wedding…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Move home : (21 votes)
    5 %
    Go to the courthouse : (145 votes)
    38 %
    Go to Jamacia : (186 votes)
    48 %
    Another option : (32 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9029 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    What is their reason for this? Have you asked them why they want you to move home now? Considering you have a 2yr old child with your fiance I dont see why they want to disrupt the child’s sense of normality for 8months for no good reason

    Post # 4
    Member
    1995 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    wow that is a very tough situation.  I’d perhaps start by speaking with your family and asking why they’ve chose now to bring this up.  It has to be something that triggered this emotion all of a sudden.  Maybe you can explain your options to them from your point of view and hopefully hear theirs.  Maybe by explaining your side of the story they’ll realize the huge implications they’re forcing on you.  If nothing else stay at home so your baby can be w/their father! 

    Post # 5
    Member
    11327 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Who makes someone choose between the wedding of their dreams and being an adult and living an independant life?

     

    I think this is kind of the crux of your problem. You are not living an independent life if you’re on someone else’s bankroll. You are an adult… which means it is your responsibility to pay for your own wedding. Whatever type of wedding you can afford. IF your parents choose to help you (which they are not obligated to do), they have a right to attach whatever strings they want to that money. I don’t think its RIGHT or RATIONAL or NICE of them to do this to you… but if you want them to finance your “dream wedding” you kind of can’t simultaneously be upset with them for infringing on your independence. 

    If I were you I’d maybe see if your parents would be okay with you doing a courthouse wedding ASAP so you’re legal and then still have the religious ceremony later. I.e. would that make it okay with them that you are living together? 

    If not, I would have whatever kind of wedding I could afford on my own with no help. Whether that be courthouse, a picnic, Jamaica, you really have a lot of options for how to approach it. 

    But bottom line… I would not leave my fiance and pull my child away from her father for 8 months just so I could have a “dream wedding.” Definitely not. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    2392 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Go to the courthouse, go to Jamaica… anything but give in to your family here.  I know that their support, both emotional and financial, is important to you, but I think this is a situation where one decision is in support of your wedding and the other is in support of your marriage.  Yes, your parents are family, but you have a family of your own now and your parents are asking you to uproot that family for most of a year.  I think on some level, this is telling your fiance and your daughter that the family you have together is not acceptable because your parents don’t approve.  You need to show your parents that you are an adult and that holding out carrots and sticks isn’t going to bend you to their will.

    I know it sucks to have them pull back their support.  I know it really, really sucks that they might not show up if you don’t do it their way.  But this is a symbol of your life with your future husband and daughter and you need to put them first.

    Post # 7
    Member
    103 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry – what a horrible thing for your parents to do!  I’m with you – don’t give in, you deserve to be happy!  You could do as they say and still have the dream-wedding they’d pay for… but what would it do to your marriage and your family (i.e. the one with your fiance and daughter)?

    I vote for the courthouse wedding, and then spend your reduced budget to plan a great party/reception afterwards.  It seems more cost-effective than Jamaica, and it would still let you celebrate with your friends and anyone in your family who will attend.

    Lots of hugs and good luck!

    Post # 8
    Member
    5096 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Do not let your parents use the purse strings as puppet strings. Whatever you do, do not give in to their demands. You need to put the interests of your daughter ahead of money for the wedding, no matter how much it hurts to give up your dream wedding. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1556 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Have they given you a reason why they have gone along with things as they are (even if they had reservations) and now are totally changing the rules?  Has something happened (maybe your dad is getting pressure from somewhere?) that would change their minds? 

    Perhaps you could talk to them about your child and how disruptive that would be to her?

    If they won’t budge, I’d probably just do the courthouse thing.  I dont see a dream wedding as worth all trauma it would be to you, your FI, and your daughter.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3167 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    hot damn that sucks! i voted courthouse. what i would do if i were in your situation is sit down with them and just have it out. just be like look, i get where you’re coming from and i know this probably isn’t how you imagined my marriage/life, but the reality is that our daughter deserves to have both parents around as she grows up. we’re a family now and have to think about what’s best for her. I thought you understood that, or you at least seem to have for the past 3 years. i want to share this day with you, but if you’re unwilling to support us, we’re just going to go the JOP route.

    Post # 11
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I also agree that pulling your child away from your fiance is not a good idea.  Neither is allowing your parents to flex that type of control over you with money.

    It sounds like you would like to be married in a church.  Why not get your marriage license and instead of going to the courthouse, have another minister marry you?  You can let your parents know what you are doing in case they want to be part of it, but not do it giant church wedding style with a gajillion people?

    I know it’s not your “dream wedding” but taking care of your family and keeping them together is more important than the pageantry in my opinion.

    Post # 12
    Member
    3081 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    O wow, I’m so sorry! To me, it seems like your parents are being incredibly manipulative and the timing seems really suspicious.

    I feel that one way to look at it is that while your parents will always be your family, your “priority” family is now your husband-to-be and daughter. Clearly you have made responsible decisions that were right for you and your fiance and daughter. Relying on your parents financially when they try to control and manipulate you this way seems like risky behavior – if you give in this time, will you constantly be expected to give in? Will you always worry in the back of your head (until you get married) that they will pull the financing for some other perceived transgression?

    I’d say get married in a way that you and your fiance can afford. Good luck!

    Post # 13
    Member
    1664 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    This is awful.  I think you have to think about your child.  Don’t uproot your child from her home and from her father.  I can’t believe your parents are asking you to do this, considering the impact it could have on your child.  It strikes me as rather selfish and irrational.  I think you need to put your foot down and go to Jamaica or the courthouse.  Don’t compromise your integrity or let anyone make you feel bad about your life.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3847 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2004

    I should preface this by saying that I am a Christian.  That being said, there is no way that I would move back in with my parents eight months before my wedding.  The main reason I say this is because you have a daughter.  I have two little girls and I could not and would not ever move them away from their daddy.  My husband and I value giving our daughters a stable home with two parents that love them.  Why on earth would I put my daughter(s) or the man I love through that?  It would devestate both of them to be torn away from each other.  I would continue to live together and get married as soon a possible.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1359 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m sorry, but your parents are being ridiculous. You are a mother with a family. There is absolutely NO good reason for you to move home. And it is so, so wrong for them to force you into a situation where your child is separated from her father. I would try to be patient and talk it out with them, but if they do not give in, I’d plan a simple, sweet, cheap wedding and stick to your guns. It is completely inappropriate for them to try to control you like that. And honestly, I would straight up ask them if they are doing it because they truly think it is best for you, your family (daughter and husband) or if they are doing it because of some insecurity they have with themselves. I’m assuming this is religion based since you already have a daughter. Ask them, would Jesus really try to come between a happy family? You are planning a marriage as well as a wedding. The important thing is your love, commitment, faith, etc – NOT some ridiculous sham to pretend you are something you’re not. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1550 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I would go to the courthouse and get married, and then go to jamaica as planned and have a beautiful honeymoon, or vacation with your daughter.

    it is your life, not your parents. you deserve to be happy.

    i went through something very similar to this, so i understand your pain. i wish you the best.

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