Post # 1
So as I’ve mentioned in my previous post my SO and I set a date and have been planning for about 2 weeks and he still hasn’t bought the ring. I came over yesterday to spend the weekend with him. I made him dinner and we were trying to decide what to do for the evening and I could just tell something was off. He kept saying everything was fine but I knew something was up.
Finally he told me that he thinks he is depressed because he doesn’t like what he’s doing (he’s graduating from Med School in May) but knows he’s trapped because he has so much debt from his student loans so he can’t quit. Then he goes on to say “I’m not sure I’m ready to get married” because he feels that marrying me would “trap” him as well. WTF????
We decided to take a break for a week or two for him to figure things out. I’m completely heartbroken and devastated. He is my best friend and I can’t even image not seeing him or talking to him for this long. I’ve had to stop myself from calling or texting him all day and it hasn’t even 24 hours since this break started. I don’t know what to do.
He says he loves me and that if he wants to get married it would be to me. I’m so afraid that he’s going to come back and tell me he never wants to get married. I’m also afraid that even if he does say he wants to get married that I won’t be able to trust him. That is will always be in the back of my mind that he might not be 100% sure. I already told my closest friends and family that we had started planning and now I’m too humiliated to tell anyone he’s unsure so I feel like I’m totally alone. Any advice would be really appreciated.
Post # 3
Oh hon, I’m so sorry. *hug*
My best advice during this break? Keep busy as you can! See movies (comedies, nothing heavy), go out with friends, go for walks, etc… ANything to keep your mind off of what his thought processes are. You should also give this relationship the consideration it deserves in your own thoughts, as in, do you really want this? This is your life and if you have doubts please think those through.
Good luck and please keep us updated! *moehugsandwine*
Post # 4
@mrs_pudding_pop: Thank you. It’s just hard. We have talked to each other almost every day for over 4 years. The whole thing just sucks and I feel totally blindsided.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry, this must feel horrible. Hang in there and like PP said; do things to keep your mind off of it. If he is the right one for you things will work! And if not… your life is NOT over!
Good luck to you!!
Post # 6
Aw I’m sorry, hun!
I’ve been in his shoes before. I went to law school and realized that I was in too much debt to get out when I realized it wasn’t what I wanted to do. But, then I graduated and there are times where I love it (and times where I hate it and I’m miserable). I really feel like he just needs to see it through. It gets hard and the thought of all those loans is SO overwhelming. I just think he’s so overwhelmed with that, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I don’t think it has to do with you. It’s probably the thought of having so much in student loans, not loving what he’s doing, the pressure of a proposal and getting married, etc.. it’s all at once.
Just give him his space and let him figure things out. It would benefit the both of you if you do. And if he comes back and says he never wants to get married and wants to end the relationship, then it just wasn’t meant to be. It will suck, big time. But, it’s not the end of the world. It will be his loss, for sure.
And perhaps you guys shouldn’t be planning anything now until he’s more settled in this career? Maybe it’s just too much pressure on him? I know that I wouldn’t have wanted to plan any sort of wedding while I was in the process of establishing my career, personally. There’s just so much going on at once, it’s too much stress.
I hope things work out for you!! Keep us posted.
Post # 7
@Sweetheartchic: Oh, ((hugs))! I’m sorry you’re going through this. As others have said, maybe it’s just too much at once for him. Perhaps it would take some of the pressure off of him if you suggest something like delaying the wedding by a year? You could make it a 2-year (or longer) engagement with an undrestanding between the two of you that for the next year or more, you wouldn’t do any planning that would add to his stress levels.
Try not to worry about having already told folks about the wedding planning – they’ll love you and support you, no matter what happens! Depending on how you spin it, you’d easily be able save face if it comes down to simply postponing the wedding date (“we’ve decided it would make more sense to save money / build SO’s career before the wedding, so we’re now planning to have a longer engagement”), but if the worst happens and you end up splitting over this, the fact that they know how excited you were about wedding planning probably just means they’ll be able to support you more thoroughly during the emotional upheaval. Is there anyone you’d trust enough to talk to them about what’s happening right now? Don’t deny yourself support you need just because you’d be embarassed to admit that things are not going as smoothly as you’d thought. Good luck!
Post # 8
I know you’re down, love.. but honestly? I really wouldn’t take it to heart.
I’d rest assured that this is mainly due to the circumstances your man is in. He is JUST about to graduate from med school.. which probably means, he’s been studying a lot for exams lately (with lack of sleep, that I know greatly contributed to some of the depression when I was in school).. he has years of residency ahead of him, where you’re basically treated like dirt by other residents & attendings and are paid a very measly income. Even after graduating from school and residency, the journey is just starting as you have to find a full-time job somewhere.
So.. the 6-figure debt + years of residency ahead of him + pressure to buy a ring with negative income + supporting a lovely lady like yourself in the process + lack of sleep = major stress / depression
If you really love this man, just show him that you’re in it for the long run. Do not get discouraged that marriage may not happen very soon. Support him and have faith that the love is mutual. Marriage is about being able to endure the good with the bad – think of this as a test..! If this difficult time is a hardship you both can endure and overcome, you guys will make it!
If you’re both in love and want to spend a lifetime together, what’s another couple of years? 😉
Post # 9
I’m sorry that he dropped this on you! I know it hurts. 🙁
But never fear! I do not think this is the end.
I mentioned to someone else in another post that men are linear thinkers. They tend to tackle problems one at a time, in a certain order of significance before they move onto other things. Right now, your guy, while he probably still loves you very much, is more worried about “solving” the other problems of graduating and coming up with a plan for his debt before he feels completely ready to be married.
Men take a lot of pride in being able to be a provider for their future family (yes, even in these modern, take-charge female times), and the majority will not take the step of proposal without feeling secure in that role.
That being said, the best thing you can do at the moment is cry out your frustration, stay busy, and be supportive. He is probably paralyzed with stress and anxiety, and it has nothing to do with you. Be there if he wants to talk, but don’t force anything. If for some reason things end (which I doubt they will if he truly wants to marry you), then like a PP said, it wasn’t meant to be and there’s someone better out there for you.
Post # 10
If you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, it doesn’t matter if you get married this year or the next year or the next. If he says he isn’t ready, don’t push him. You said that he is graduating from med school in may – that is a really tough time for him without the stress of a wedding as well.
The good thing is that he was honest with you. Let him buy you a ring when he is ready. Plan the wedding after he has proposed and given you a ring. Be a good and supportive girlfriend and let him know that you are there for him.
Tell the family that you have decided to wait on the wedding until his life is more stable. There is nothing wrong or shameful about that – it just makes you a more considerate fiancee!
Post # 11
I’m really sorry you’re going through this but be glad that he’s being honest with you and felt comfortable enough to tell you. It’s obvious that he respects, trusts, and loves you otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to share his feelings with you. He’ll appreciate you giving him the space he needs right now. He’s getting ready to make a huge commitment both life and career…that’s not easy.
Post # 12
@Sweetheartchic: “He says he loves me and that if he wants to get married it would be to me”
My FI said that almost exactly back when we were dating (for 6.5 years before he proposed!!). Marriage to him is a HUGE DEAL and it took him a super, super long time to be sure. He was graduated from grad school for over 1 year, had worked at and quit his first job, etc. before he was ready to propose. He was always honest with me and told me he wasn’t ready to propose.
I just told someone in a different post that looking back, I’m so happy it took so long to be ready because now he is without a doubt 100% sure we will make it together. It sounds like your SO is as analytical as my FI and that he’s just not wanting to make another wrong decision. He’s probably feeling pretty upset with himself for pursuing a career he doesn’t want and is being hyper focused on his mistake. I think the rewards will be great if you wait it out and give him his space. PM me if you want to talk more, I’m bad at getting my point across on the boards sometimes.
In conclusion, I don’t think it’s bad you guys are taking a break. I’ve read other posts where Bees say they’re on a break and my first thought is “how long until we see the break up post?” Yours, I’m really not too worried, sounds like your guy is just dealing with some really tough emotions that he needs to sort through on his own in his own way.
Post # 13
You’ve already received tons of good advice and kind words so I’ll try to focus on the part of your post that stood out to me.
If you come out of this break with him saying he still wants to marry you, trust him. DH and I went through a rough patch before we got engaged. We were watching many of our friends get married and it was frustrating me. He knew he loved me but had some doubts about his life and what he wanted. We nearly took a break, but we were already living together so it was complicated. I didn’t end up physically leaving but I gave him space to figure things out. After a week or two, he told me he still wanted to be with me. And less than two months later, he had a ring and asked me to be his wife.
My guy is not the type to stay in a relationship because it’s comfortable. I know if he really didn’t feel ready to marry me, he wouldn’t have asked. So just try to give your SO some space. He has A LOT on his plate right now and he’s probably feeling really overwhelmed. When he’s ready, he’ll let you know. I hope it all works out for you.
Post # 14
You know, it’s interesting because I kind of feel like the guy in my relationships. I just finished my first year of graduate school and I have 3 more years of classes, a year of internship, and a post doc year before I can officially start my career. While I consider myself “waiting” for my SO, I think I actually want a long engagement. I don’t know what I’d do if he started pressuring me into a short engagement and wanted to start planning. With all my school work I barely have time to eat and shower and see him for just a couple of hours a night, and in a week I’ll start seeing him only on weekends. I think I’d ask for a break too just to calm down and gather my thoughts. There’s nothing worse than fighting with your partner while in school because when I’m doing homework or studying or taking a test, or even just sitting in class that’s all I can think about and nothing good comes out of it because my relationship is suffering and so is my school work.
If you want to help him realize that you’re definitely the one for him (regardless of whether he already knows this and has told you), I think you should give him a break with the planning. I don’t think the hesitation has to do with you, but as previous posters have said with everything piling up on him. A major stressor is money. How can you plan a wedding when all you think about is the debt of school and not being able to make decent money for several years? Try to be as supportive as you can be and don’t try to rush him. I think you can agree on a schedule that will work for both you, but even if it doesn’t, don’t hassle him about it (for example, spending a few hours planning every other week or every 3 weeks). If school gets especially bad, you can skip a session and make up for it later. I’m sure you can figure out some other ideas too.
It sounds like he really cares about you and that’s why he needs the time off. I’m 100% sure that this is just as hard on him as it is on you because he can’t prioritize between you and school. He wants to show you he loves you with the planning, but he is also so close to graduating he can’t do poorly now. The best thing you can do, if you love this man, is just be there for him and show him that you’ll be there no matter what. But if you don’t think you can do that, if you need to start planning right now and have that be your life until you get married, then you’re the one who should be taking a break and rethinking your relationship. Same goes if he isn’t willing to compromise. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, but that’s pending on his being able to work with you. If he needs more time (to plan, to break, etc.) then fine, but he has to give you something in return for it (like dedication).
Post # 15
@Sweetheartchic: Sorry you’re going through this! When my FI and I first got engaged he had a huge freakout not long afterwards and we broke up. He started getting really scared at the tought that he might be missing out on something if he committed to one girl. That didn’t last long, a day after walking away devastated he starting contacting me with regret.
Ending things and walking away made him realize that he would regret it for the rest of his life if he let me get away. It ended up putting everything into perspective for him. We talked everything out a couple days later and I hestitantly took him back. I had no doubts that I wanted to marry him and was a little concerned that he feaked out and made a rash decision so shortly after, getting cold feet is normal, but it was very difficult for me to not worry about it. While I understood how he was feeling with the enormity of everything crashing down at him all at once, we were scheduled to move in together in september and then getting engaged it was alot of change at once for him.
That was 2 months ago, and everything is great between us, he’s actively helping with wedding planning, and I see not one ounce of doubts from him now. For us it turned out to be a good thing, he’s truly excited now about everything, his reaction when I told him yesterday that I bought my dress showed me that those doubts are truly done and overwith.
For us it got those feelings done and overwith before we started putting any money into anything and moved in together. And for me I’m glad it happened then rather then later. We still have a year before our wedding, but the change in him is very evident, he’s thrilled. I do wish it didn’t take us walking away from eachother for him to be 110% sure, but I’m glad to know he is.
Post # 16
Thank you again for for all the kind words. I have been trying to keep busy but it is so hard because I am on a break from school until next week so I have WAY too much time on my hands to mope around and overanalyze the situation.
Also, this uncertainty is really pressing on a nerve for me. I did not have the easiest childhood (dad left when I was 6 and my mother was very mentally ill and thus unable to meet physical/emotional needs). I’ve had years of therapy to work through this but it is still very difficult for me to not take it personally with my SO. I keep wondering if he would feel like this if he really thought I was the one and wonder how he can just go for days without talking to me and not feel totally lost like I’m feeling.
@futuremrsk18: I appreciate you helping me to understand things from his point of view. the reason the we had planned to get married at this time is that it is quite possible that his residency (which starts in July) will take him out of state and I will not move in together unless we are married (I established this before we ever started a relationship). It really just makes sense to get married at that time (to me anyway). I really do not want a large and elaborate wedding whatsoever and realistically will be doing 70-80% of all the planning (not really his thing) so I can’t see how the planning of the wedding could be such a huge stress. The thought that he is uncertain about marriage is really terrifying to me.
@whydoesithurt: I’m scared to continue to postpone the wedding because what if after 1-2 years he still isn’t ready. I have told a couple people but it’s hard because I don’t want them to hate him if things end up working out. I just feel really foolish to have gotten my hopes up and been so excited about planning our wedding and not seeing that obviously we were not on the same page. It’s just humiliating to me.
@romantical: Thank you! I know you’re right it is just really hard for me when I feel like I am not sure he feels the same way for me that I do for him. I have had several long-term relationships before but he is the first person I have ever loved like this. I’m just scared that he might come back and say he doesn’t love me anymore and I’m just going to be completely devastated and heartbroken. If he does propose, how will I know he wont freak out again when we start planning and everything get “too real” for him again. I want more than anything to stick it out and wait patiently but I’m not sure if I can.
I agree that it is good he is being honest with me but I feel really upset that he let me start planning and telling people (totally his idea) if he was not 100%. That is so humiliating for me.
@LaurenKK: I’m really really really glad to hear that this has happened to someone else. I just hope that things eventually work out the way they have for you.