- 6 years ago
This board has been a great form of support and advice for me, so thanks for all your wise words, ladies.
Here’s my situation. Sorry it’s a bit long! Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for 7 and a bit years. Met when we were 21, also had some long distance parts, so it’s a been a long road, but it’s been going well and we have a great relationship. I know he is 100% committed to me (he told me I was the girl he wanted to marry after 1 month of dating and we definitely wouldn’t have gone through the heartache of long-distance if it hadn’t been on the cards), but it’s been a long time now.
I would REALLY like to be married (we don’t live together either) whereas he is doing the typical guy thing and wants his career to be all sorted out etc. before marriage.
At the moment we both have (separate) opportunities to do postgraduate courses in the UK (We are South African). I would be able to get a student visa whereas he has a British passport through his parents, so he doesn’t need a visa. The thing is, his course starts in January already whereas mine starts in September. And he really wants us to go over together (he has said this, outright), so the very logical thing would be for us to get married beforehand, so I could go over on a spouse visa with him in December/January. This is NOT the reason I want to get married, we have talked about marriage before and it has been a question of ‘when’ not ‘if’. It is more that it’s kind of forcing the timing. Actually I think this is a blessing in disguise, as some guys need a ‘nudge’ from the universe, hm? The other thing is that this studying opportunity helps him a lot in terms of his career path, so I think he’s feeling more certain about that area of his life.
I have REALLY been trying not to pressure him (this has not been a successful strategy in the past!) and have been trying to discuss it calmly with him. When we were discussing our plans to study and the dates of our respective courses, I said ‘well, I can’t come over in January, what should we do about that?’ and he kind of chuckled and said ‘I know what you’re thinking!’
In a discussion about finances, I also casually mentioned that he needn’t save up for a ring, as my mom has a diamond left to me by a relative, and he said ‘Oh, that’s okay, my mom has already put aside a diamond for you that was her great-aunt’s’. I thought that was kind of sweet (I really have no strong opinions about diamonds anyway)! We’ve also been to some friends’ weddings recently, and he commented more than usual on the venue, which traditions he likes etc. We even recently discussed which friend would be his hypothetical best man.
But then he hasn’t said anything else, and I’m getting a little stressed. We still have to finalise our studying details anyway, so everything’s a bit up in the air, and moving countries is a big deal anyway. But I’m excited to start this adventure with my best friend! AND I really need to 1) plan the wedding and have the wedding before the end of the year! and 2) apply for a visa once we’re married – it takes a while, eek! before we go!
I am a really organised person, and not super stressy or perfectionist, so I don’t think I would take too long to plan the wedding, and at this stage, I don’t care if I have one month to plan it and I have to wear a plastic ring and a bin-bag, I just want to share my life with the person I love – but I do need a little bit of notice!
I really don’t want to mess up his proposal by over-pressuring him now (if he’s planning one, am I being over-excited?) yet at the same time there are some serious logistical things to think of! Eek. What should I do? How do I stay sane? Maybe he actually has no plan of action and is super confused and I’m just over-reading every little thing… Not sure how to approach this. Any advice would be welcome!