Would I come off as a bitch?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AnonNew12:  This is a tough situation 🙁

It sounds like he was going to try to absorb your cost when you guys were going to drive together, but flying wasn’t discussed until later. 

I guess I think that you should be able to have a frank discussion about it with your fiance.  “hey babe, I know money is tight for the both of us right now, here are my options – what do you think I should do?”

I know it’s awkward to attend a wedding as a guest of a groomsman, but these people are your future family, and it would be a really great time to get to know them 🙂

Post # 4
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@AnonNew12:  Honestly…I know you don’t want to hear this but you might just have to ask him. If you are marrying this man, you should feel free to be able to talk him about topics like money. If you can’t talk about money now…it’s not a good sign. If you can’t even ask him for help paying for this trip, that’s not a good sign. You need to be able to feel like you can tell your FI anything. 

Also. Money issues is one of the leading causes of divorce. If you don’t get comfortable asking him for help with finances now…what are you going to do when you’re married?

I know it’s hard. But you might just have to bite the bullet and ask him. :/

Good luck! I hope things work out to where he can help you financially and you can go on this trip to meet his family. 

Post # 5
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@AnonNew12:  I think he’ll care waaaay more about you being there, then about helping out with the $. You two are engaged and haven’t even met his family yet! The potential for ruining your relationship with your future inlaws is just too high. I’d do whatever I could to attend. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to meet you and will be very welcoming.

Sounds like he’s pretty understanding being that he already offered to help out. I would tell him the truth, it’s more than you can afford right now and you need him to help you pay for the cost of the ticket. If it makes you more comfortable, maybe you could offer to repay him for the cost over a few months. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, he knows you have kids and that they come first on your list of financial responsibilities.

So short answer is, yes, you’ll come off as a bitch if you don’t go. (even though you’re not one)

Post # 6
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If you guys are going to marry you need to be able to ask for things.  “Honey can you get me a Coke?  Honey can you wipe my ass?”  You never know what will happen in your life and you’ve got to be comfortable with each other.

Send him the link to the tickets and say “Here are the tickets, I really appreciate you offering to help (I’d read his statement as an offer).  If you want to book the tickets I can probably swing the rest of the trip, otherwise I’ll have to stay home with the kids.”

Post # 7
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I may just be reading this completely wrong, but it sounds a lot like you just don’t want to go, and are making a lot of different excuses as to why you “can’t”. This is an important thing to him, and he tried to offer alternatives to make it easier for you. You’re going to have to sacrifice one of those things to do something important to him, whether it be sitting in a car for 15 hours one way, or buying an expensive plane ticket, or whatever, you need to figure out how to make it work.

Post # 8
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@AnonNew12:  If he was just your boyfriend I would tell you not to go – but this is your fiance!  You have to go! Since you have to fly instead of drive, you should pay for the flight. Wear a dress you already own – no one knows you so no one will know if youve worn it before – or buy a dress and return it when you get back! As for the gift – can you and your FI give one gift? 

Who knows he may end up offering to pay afterwards!

I went to my DHs sisters wedding a few years ago.  At that time we were just dating, and he was in the wedding party.  I met alot of his family before and it was so awkward. They had a head table too – so we couldn’t even eat dinner together.  I was very uncomfortable, but sucked it up because I knew I would marry him one day!  

Post # 9
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would ask him for a little extra financial help. I definitely wouldn’t skip the wedding–he’s made it very clear that it’s super important to him!

Post # 10
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You should talk to him and explain things.  Sometimes people who don’t have kids don’t think about the costs and logistics associated with them. I know that I wouldn’t.  Then you can come up with a plan together on whether to go, what to do about the kids and how to share the costs.

Post # 11
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@AnonNew12:  he is going to be your husband – you should be able to have frank discussions about finances. 

just say ‘hey fi, the flight i found is x dollars. i understand how important this is to you, but it is more than i am wanting to spent right now because of a, b and c. you said earlier that you would be contributing to the cost – is that still the case? i need to know to budget for back to school expenses.’

not begging, not pleading, just ‘hey, i need to know’. that really shouldn’t be a problem

Post # 12
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think that you should do what you need to do to make it work. I know that I would, were I in this situation. Meeting his family is hugely important, and they don’t know the intricacies of your life and your financial situation. It’s probably safe to assume that they’d think it a slap in the face if you weren’t there, regardless of what you tell them — especially if you’ve had time to plan for this.

As for not wanting to ask your FI – you guys are going to be MARRIED. You need to learn to be comfortable talking finances and sharing money if need be. This is a good time to start.

Post # 14
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know you have a lot going on, but I think it could be seriously damaging to your relationship with your fiance and his family if you don’t go. Sometimes you just need to prioritize your partner and this is one of those times. Ask him if he can help out with the money if you really can’t swing it otherwise, but unless you have a VERY good reason I think you should definitely go to his sister’s wedding.

Post # 16
Member
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oky doky so the truth is – you have to go. You already committed to it. I’m guessing you guys RSVP’d already. People are expecting you. It would be horribly rude and offensive to not go. So, I think you need to just set your mind frame to “I’m going” and figure it out from there. Next, you’re going to marry this guy right? So it’s time you get comfortable talking about finances. You should speak to him and say “I really don’t have the money to pay for the flight right now. Could we split it?”. Or, just pay for your flight, but expect him to cover the other costs (hotel, gift, etc).

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