Post # 1
I’m a bridesmaid for the first time and considering not attending my friend’s shower. My friend’s mom wants to throw the shower, which makes sense since most of the guests will be the bride’s family (the other BMs are actually all her sisters). I offered to help with the planning, but so far the mom and sisters are very excited and involved so I haven’t had a chance to participate in wedding or shower planning much.
A little while ago, I found out that the shower is being planned for Thanksgiving weekend since that works best for sisters/cousins of the bride, many of whom are in school/college. They didn’t ask whether the date works for me.
The thing is, DH and I had been planning to take a vacation during Thanksgiving for a few months before the shower had been planned. We both work in finance, so time off is hard to come by; DH is also looking for a new job, so it will be hard for him to take time off when he’s just starting a new position. Thanksgiving is one of the few times when we can both get time off with some certainty. We’ve also found it very stressful to balance time between our families on this holiday (unusual family situation – too long to describe here). So we were really looking forward to spending next Thanksgiving break together.
To make matters more complicated, the shower is a complete surprise for the bride (including the date) so I can’t talk to my friend about this at all.
So here’s my dilemma: I want to be a good BM (My friend was an awesome BM and I want to be there for her too), but I wish they had asked me about my preferences for the date! On the one hand, they really don’t seem to need or want my help…and the shower will go on and have plenty of guests without me. On the other hand, I don’t want my friend to resent me for skipping her shower for a trip that hasn’t even been booked yet. What would you do?
Post # 3
I have friends and bridemaids that can’t make a shower, and it’s fine! Kinda sucks that you can’t explain it beforehand, but that’s not a big deal. If you wanted, you could leave a gift with the hostess, or even a really nice note. Don’t change your vaction over a shower, in my opinion. Or just take her out to dinner when you get back or something. But I wouldn’t want my friends to change their vacation plans to attend a shower. Seems a bit silly.
Post # 4
If it were me, I would go to the shower. I know it’s probably not the answer you want to hear, but you haven’t made actual plans yet for Thanksgiving weekend, and you are in her bridal party, so you should be there if you can. I don’t think the shower date has to be ok’ed by all the members of the bridal party either, I’m sure it would be hard to accommodate everyone. The bp members should do everything they can do attend, unless there was a really good reason not to. Just my opinion.
Post # 5
I’m sure its no big deal. You can explain everything to her afterwards. Maybe send along a card and gift so she at least receives something from you at the shower.
Post # 6
If you can make other events, it’s ok. Call the bride while she’s at the shower or get the number of someone who will be there and have their phone on them so you can call and say hello. I’m guessing she has other BM’s? If she’s a good friend, she’ll understand you already have plans.
Now I re-read this and see the shower is being planned for Thanksgiving – like in November? 7 months from now?
It seems so far off to be planning a shower. Is there any other time between now and then that you can go off on vaca with the hubs?
Post # 7
My shower is being held at a banquet hall and was planned 9 months before the wedding. I dont know if the OP is similar or what, but it’s not uncommon to plan these types of showers early.
I would be pretty sad if one of my bridesmaids couldn’t make it because she chose that weekend to go away instead when it wasn’t even booked yet, but I’m just being honest.
Only you (the OP) would know how your friend would feel.
Post # 8
If you do decide to not go, this is what I would do – speak to those hosting the party and explain that you planned a vacation for that weekend and wish they had consulted you. But since what’s done is done you would like to plan the Bachelorette as your way of making it up to the Bride. Now, you can’t tell any of this to the bride since you don’t want to ruin the surprise – I’d send a gift to the party with a note from you explaining how you’re sorry you couldn’t be there etc etc.
Post # 9
@europomme: Makes sense
@GirlWithARing: I missed my best friend’s shower but I went to her bachelorette (planned the entire thing) and went to her “dinner with friends who aren’t invited to the wedding” event. She didn’t know about her shower but she figured she would have one at some point. I asked her if 2 out of 3 was ok for me to attend. I also lived 5 hours away from her at the time. She was totally cool with it. Maybe do something like that – talk to her about it hypothetically w/o any dates/info.
Post # 10
Honestly unless there were extenuating circumstances, I would always go to the shower as a bridesmaid. I recently traveled several hours to my friend’s shower, and then again 3 weeks later for her bachelorette. To me, it’s part of being a bridesmaid. Can you just leave for your vacation after the shower? Only you would know if your friend would be understanding or not, but considering you said she was a great bridesmaid for you, I think thats even more reason to go the extra mile for her and go to the shower.
Post # 11
I think that’s kind of the risk you take when you book a shower on a long weekend. DH and I alternate years with our parents (2 hours/5 hours away depending on which family we’re going to), and it wouldn’t go over well if I threw off the “system” to attend a bridal shower.
I don’t think it’s terrible to sit it out, as that’s a pretty high profile “family” weekend, even if your plan is to spend it only with your husband.
Post # 12
I would say it is okay to miss the shower if no one ever asked if the date worked with you. It is crazy to think that everyone will be available, especially on a holiday(ish) weekend. Just have a nice card there waiting for her so she doesnt have to ask where you are.
My best friend in the whole wide world can’t make it to my shower…and I understand completely!
Post # 13
I guess I’m a bit surprised about the amount of people who would go to the shower. I don’t know, maybe just me, but I just had my bridal shower, and I cannot imagine one of my friends skipping the one time she and her husband have off together for a nice relaxing vacation to come to my 4 hour shower. If I was your friend and could talk to you about it, I would INSIST that you go on your vacation. It is a Shower, not the wedding. I loved my shower, it was great, but one of my bridesmaids didn’t make it, and it was no big deal at all!
They didn’t ask you and planned it for a holiday week. It is expected people travel that week, and you have plans, booked or not, you planned it. I would absolutely go and enjoy! 🙂
Post # 14
I guess I’m also in the other camp. Go for your shower. I have family in TX and I only go twice a year. August and Xmas. If anything is planned around the time I usually go, I would not cancel my family trip. I hope my friends understand. I’ve only been in a bridal party twice in my life and both times I went for the shower. In your situation, it seems like vacation days like these are hard to come by. What kind of a friend is she? Would she understand why you made the decision you made (um, I only ask for clarification, I still think you should go). It’s a shower…and until I came on WB, I didn’t even know folks have a shower AND bachelorette. Can you make the bachelorette?
Post # 15
I don’t get the big deal about showers anyway to be honest. At the end of the day is a party, not the freaking wedding. I’m sorry, major holiday weekends are for family. Go on your vacation with your husband. A true friend would understand.
Post # 16
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal either. One of my bridesmaids missed my shower, and another one could only stay for an hour. It was no big deal to me at all, I understand that things come up.
One of my closest friends is having a shower on the 23rd, and I thought I was going to miss it, but thankfully I am not leaving until the next day!