(Closed) Would it bother you if….

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

it wouldn’t bother me that they paid but the bigger questions are:

1. why can’t he afford to buy it himself?

2. is he living above his means?

3. is this an indication that  he is not financially independant?

Post # 4
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m with Meowkers.  Unless they are “family diamonds”, I would wonder why he needs financial help from his parents buying the ring.

Post # 5
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think it would bother me (I would think of it as a gift from the family), but I would prefer he pay for it himself.

Post # 7
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

If you are talking donating stones I wouldn’t have any problem with it! It then becomes more of an “heirloom” ring that could be passed on 🙂

Post # 8
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Yes, it would.

Post # 9
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t like it because to me it indicates he isn’t financially independent from his parents and that would worry me. It could also mean they have some kind of say in what he buys, and would know how much it cost, which I also don’t like.

However, if it was a family heirloom situation that is completely different in my mind. You say you have stones you would like to give him to use, and that is just gorgeous and doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like you’d sell your son your own jewellery 🙂 I think the only time this wouldn’t be ok would be if you don’t have a good relationship with your FDIL, it might not go down too well, but if you get along well like you say I can’t imagine she would mind at all and will think it’s very sweet.

Post # 10
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i think its a sweet gesture, but honestly i would be horrified if i found out my fiance’s parents had put money towards the ring. hes an adult and if he wants to get married he should buy the ring. maybe save the money you would have given him and give it to them as a honeymoon gift!

now a diamond that was passed down, i wouldn’t mind as much because it would be done to “keep it in the family”.

Post # 11
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Interesting topic.  Are they assisting him with his tuition?  Room and board?  My thing is alot of parents assist with other expenses and he’s able to spend the money he earns to pay for the ring?  It happens alot in college where parents pay for tuition, living expenses (car insurance, rent, utilities) or even just part of it, thus freeing up the money for other things.  I just link all of that together.  My other question is, who’s paying for the wedding?  So some of the opinions on this thread are going to be expressed negatively towards the idea, but I wonder how much their parents help their or their FI expenses.

Post # 12
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think gifting the stones is TOTALLY fine.  It’s a family heirloom.  However I think people should be financially independent when they get married as that is the sign of being an adult.  

I know plenty of people who got married while they were still in school and just got much smaller stones and upgraded down the line.  Nothing wrong with that.

Post # 14
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Well I think that if you are the mom, asking for advice, I’d say if the stones are sentimental, and you are giving them to him, because you want this stone or that to be passed on as an heirloom, then that is a nice gesture.

If however, you are letting him select from one of your stones because you have a few and are thinking, “Well why not just have him get this one reset?”, I think that that sounds like recycling jewelry.  (I think there is a difference between second hand and heirloom.)

Edit: I just saw your last post.  If you have stones from your grandmother, that would be really special.  He’d be giving her something that belonged to his great grandmother.  (But I’m into stuff like that.) 

Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If it’s passed down/a family diamond, no, not really

If his parents helped pay for it….well, i’d feel like THEY proposed! haha It would really bother me. But if you’re offering up a family stone you already HAVE, i think it’s different. But only he knows his girlfriend best.

It’d still bug me. Mostly b/c i want my own say in my engagement ring. And if i didn’t like it, i’d feel really bad admitting it and selfish.

That being said, if you want to help, i think the honeymoon is a GREAT gift. Somehow, it’s different. Or, you could always set one of the stones in a necklace and gift it to her for her wedding day.

Surely he can afford a ring for her, though. It might bug him if you try to help, too. It’s *HIS* thing, ya know? I know my husband said after the fact that he would’ve been really upset if my parents offered him one of our diamonds to propose with. I guess he really wanted it to be his deal, if that makes sense

oo i just saw yoru last post. you could always ask your son and see what he thinks

Post # 16
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m with everyone else. I would feel very uncomfortable with parents paying for a portion of the ring. It would make me question his independence from them, financial and otherwise.

Why not let him buy a small and simple ring (especially if he has savings and no debt) and then they can upgrade it later. 

Now, if you are giving him family stones, than I think that is completely different. You’re not ‘buying’ something – just keeping nice stones in the family.

Also, if he is about to finish grad school, could you possibly give him a generous financial gift and tell him you would love it if he would make his girlfriend your daughter-in-law? That way he can technically do what he wants with the money and he is choosing how much to spend on the ring.

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