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Well I have experience with this one. My ex husband remarried the day after our divorce (cheater) and she had their baby 3 months later.
How did I feel? Horrible. Worst part is he used the name I picked out had we had a little girl for the name. (Alexandra) I remember crying for days.
Fast forward a half decade into the future. She is divorcing him now, that little girl is precious and I love her alot! She is after all, my sons' half sister.
She spends the night at our home sometimes and she loves me alot. My ex is background noise barely, that's all. He ended up doing the same thing to her too.
I get what you say that didn't you show him that wasn't the way to live/do/act? I had hoped my ex would have cleaned up his act after our divorce for the sake of my son and the new baby, but he didn't.
Time heals everything. Trust me it does.
Well I never had any special feelings towards an ex. But if I did, I would probably feel funny about it if I wasn't with my FH.
My common sense says that it shouldn't bother you. He is an ex for a reason and you should move on. Truth is I still get a little upset when I find out that exes from GRADESCHOOL are married or are living happily ever after LOL I know it's retarded and I have no feelings towards them whatsoever but I guess I just feel like they were "mine" first. I get like that towards guy friends that had a thing for me but I never went out with them too!
@bellenga- Thanks for your story. I think in some weird way I feel like I failed- because so much pressure was put on me to be with one person, marry my first etc. Rationally, I know the the mother that taught me those impossible high standards never came close to reaching them (she's been married 4 times!!!)- but emotionally sometimes I still get caught up in them. I think I feel like I failed in some way because I didn't stay with him- because of those irrational standards that were pounded into my head. Some "values" placed upon me in childhood just die hard. @JennyChicago- you are right- he IS an ex for a reason. He was abusive and had severe manic depression and clinical depression. I have to remember that reality- not get caught up in some unachievable, unhealthy standards placed upon me by an unhappy mother who's life and actions fall far short.
I think it would depend on who the ex was, i.e. how serious I had been with them. Before DH I had one boyfriend who I would have considered marrying and having children with (if not for a bunch of complicated factors of course) - I would probably feel a bit strange if he started impregnating other girls because that was something I imagined doing with him. But others I wouldn't care at all. Being happily married myself probably means I don't care as much as I would otherwise :)
@mountain.bride- yeah, I think it was hard because we had been so close and engaged (although without a proper ring...). It was definitely deep and serious. But I know our relationship became a negative thing, so I know we weren't right. It is just hard though! Some things just die hard.
I was in a 6 year relationship (from 17-23) - he was my "first" - but it ended on bad terms (he ended up drinking a lot, getting mouthy w/ me, lying, probably cheating....). He is now engaged to be married next year to the same girl he left me for....
If I found out they were having babies I'd be so emotional - even though I LOVE my FI to death! When they first got engaged I cried my eyes out (even though I was already engaged w/ a house). I think it was the simple fact that he had talked marriage w/ me for so long.
@bellenga-- My name is Alexandra, so I bet she IS precious and adorable!!! ;)
And @cbee, my ex love of my LIFE from college, the one who I could NOT get over, the one I spent 5 years of my life with, trying to get him to give me a real commitment, is now dating a 45 year old (we are 24) divorcee with 4 kids. He has an instant family and seems very very happy, but WHY? WHY couldn't it have been me? Even though I was in a happy relationship at the time, it still stung to hear about him being so fulfilled, especially since it was something I felt he never gave to me.
Hmmm. My brain says "he's your ex, you shouldn't care" but i know it doesn't work like that. My ex is now dating a chick with a kid. All i can think is "man that sucks. Talk about baggage". So....I guess you could try to spin it like "well, i guess he knocked the girl up but didn't marry her. Sucks for him!" if that helps. I dunno. I never slept with my ex, but then I found out he was telling everybody he "got some" from me, so I don't feel too nicely about him. But, he's an ex from over 6-7 years ago. I'd have probably felt differently if it were more recent.
I pretty much agree with ejs4y8....an ex is an ex for a reason, and I'd be glad knowing it wasn't me that he got pregnant....imagine having to deal with that for the rest of your life! I do have an ex that I dated off and on for about 7 years, that I still care a lot about (but now only as a friend....and that's why he's my ex :), and if he got someone pregnant now, I'd be happy for him....and hope that he finally crossed into that point in his life where he is happy with himself and where he is. :)
I know I would be upset if this happened with one of my exes. The one I had an on again off again relationship for years. He never wanted kids which was a deal breaker for me so if he had one by accident, I would be very upset.
I dont know, I think I'd have to be in the situation to know how I'll really feel, but for the most part I dont think I was inlove anyone of them enough to care.
no.. i don't care whether my exes have babies, airplanes, drug problems, walk in traffic, own their own businesses, etc. They could have a sex change operation, and i'd be like, HM! That's great. And be done with it. Ex is Ex, haha.
i would have to agree with picturemeurs...i have cared for my exes (and yes have told them in the past that i loved them) but i dont think it would bother me at all to find out one of them had a kid, let alone out of wedlock...first thing I would think would be, wow, that must suck if they werent ready for that to happen.
i firmly believe ex's are ex's for a reason, so anything that happens to them in their life should have no effect on me (minus finding out some horrible news about them, such as an unexpected death or sickness.)
He's someone who used to be important to you. You shared special moments in your relationship. You thought you knew him better than this.
It bugs us when things change. Just feel blessed about where your life is now. :)
I wouldn't care, they're an ex. Now if they had cheated on gotten someone pregnant when we had still been together, that would be a different story. But if it was later, who cares?
I wouldnt care...but it also wouldnt surprise me if he knocked a girl up out of wedlock...I almost expect him to do that at some point...but thats just my experience...
I have the revrse problem
I lived with my ex for 4 years. We talked marriage, but he never took the plunge to want to get engaged. he used to say stupid stuff like of I will only get married when I can look after you financially and you dont have to owrk. (not at all something I wanted), but he hardly worked and never tried to get himself in the situation. Our relationship took a long time to die. And its not that we hated each other, I think we realised we had become more friends then lovers. We did thinks very individually, and were hardly ever intimate. I was gutted when we broke up and he moved to Sydney, I felt like I was losing a close friend, but not my lover.
12 months later. I was with someone else and pregnant and not engaged. And the pregnancy wasnt planned, and really wasnt in the best of circumstances. My ex told me to put the child up for adoption and go live with him in Sydney, where he now had a fulltime job earning over $1500 a week. I told him he was a jerk. Slowly but surely we stopped talking to each other regulary and drifted apart.
Flash forward and my daughter is now 2.5 years. I am engaged to her father and very happy. I hear from my ex every now and then, a casual facebook message or a text message. Sometimes a phone call but not often. But it bothers me that he always "jokingly" throws in that I should walk away from my family and live with him. He hasnt had a girl friend since me, only a couple of quickies in pub bathrooms (oh my god, seedy!!!).
I am very disturbed that he doesnt seem to have moved past a relationship that ended nearly 4 years ago. When he was with me he never really worked, and now he has thrown himself into work and not into relationships. I am concerned that sometimes it has the potential to feel stalkerish. I am concerned that he doesnt get it, that its too late for us to make it work. I wish he would find a girl, have a baby and get married, move on and leave me alone.
And to tell you the truth, i do not like some of the things he says to me, and the attitude in which he says it. LIke saying I should walk away and back to him and then does this scoffing laugh......did he always do that and I never noticed, or is it new. I hate the laugh, its creepy and sort of sleezy.
I believe there is a very good reason why your significant other became an ex, and why your current significant other became your fiance. Don;t look backwards, look forwards and be happy. And for me, I just hope that one day he will do the same!!
No. There is a reason this person is your ex and therefore no longer involved in your life (and you in his). Therefore their life decisions and events should not affect you in any way. If you are still emotionally attached to your ex, then you need to resolve those issues before you move on to a relationship with anyone else.
I actually registered for the site specifically to respond to this. Yes, in theory he is your ex and so you should not be bothered by whatever is going on in his life. However, emotions are hardly ever logical or rational. He was obviously a huge, important part of your life and your growth, and I am sure he had an impact on who you are today - and vice versa. I think being that close with someone means that he will always hold a special place in your heart, even if the relationship ended badly and you know he's not the one for you, and you've moved on. It's very strange to see someone you once knew so well doing something you believe is out of character. It can get especially complicated if he was the one who ended the relationship and you might have considered marrying him/having kids with him if he'd asked.
If it makes you feel any better, I was in a 3+ year relationship with a guy that I thought I was madly in love with. It turns out he had cheated on me, and when we broke up he immediately moved in with a girl he had been cheating on me with. I moved on, and 4 years later I'm very happily engaged to an amazing man. I recently heard that my ex was involved in some sort of incident where he nearly died and I was so shaken that I was distraught for nearly a week. People kept saying, "Why do you care? He's your ex and he treated you badly." I cared because I knew him so well; because I loved him and he was a part of me for a while. I'd feel the same way if an old friend I no longer kept in touch with nearly died.
My ex is still with the same girl he cheated on me with, and when I stop to think about it that upsets me a little bit. It's because I wonder why he can be faithful to her when he could not be to me. It makes me question what was so wrong with me that he cheated on me/didn't love me. It doesn't mean I still love him, or want to be with him, or that I am not 100% commited to my fiance.
My advice? Let yourself be upset if that's the way you feel. Let yourself go through whatever emotions you feel, and in no time you will come to terms with the situation. It doesn't mean you love your FI any less, and if other people's experiences are any indication, what you're going through is normal!
I don't know...I think it's perfectly normal to be upset. Like PP said, I highly doubt you still love him or want to get back together with him. but if you shared something with someone for years, I could totally understand your feelings.
I had an ex who I dated for 4 years throughout college, he was my first, we shared a lot together but we eventually drifted and grew apart. We were on the verge of getting engaged (I later found out he asked for my parents permission) but we went our seperate ways. throughout the years, (after we broke up) he would occasionally call to "check up" on me, and he would always give me the same "we need to get married" line. One day I found out through myspace that he had gotten engaged to someone who he only knew for 5 months...he got married then quickly got a divorce, then a year and a half later I found out he did the same thing, got married to someone with 4 kids that he only knew for about a month, then 3 months later divorced her as well. I was kinda upset that his life had taken this turn. Not because I still love him, nor did I want to get back together with him because I had met my lovely DH by that time...but it upset me that he was so nonchalant about getting married and divorced...twice. Am I glad that I didn't marry him?...hell yeah. But I still want the best for him and what he is doing with his life is to me, kinda destructive.
So I say all that so say, I understand feeling like "did I not teach him anything?" because that's how I felt after I found out all the stuff that had happened in his life.
My ex got a girl pregnant (but I don't think they had it), and I didn't bug me at all, I just thought it was weird. I couldn't see him being a dad or taking responsibility and it surprised me.
But, I have a kid and what EJS said kind of bugs me. I hope that when my FI started dating me people didn't say "man that sucks. Talk about baggage" That really hurts to think of my son that way.
this actually happened to me, but a really long time ago. my first boyfriend (we were really young, like 8th grade, but we were together over a year and so it was really serious, or at least, i thought i was completely in love) was a big cheater, and a couple years after we broke up he got a girl pregnant. he was cheating on her with another girl, and both girls used to confide in me. the girl who was pregnany i think miscarried in the end..anyway, it was really dramatic and scary at the time, especially since we were all so young. now as an adult, i think i'd still have all the same mixed emotions.
I have an ex who I dated from 15-19. He is almost 30 now, has been married and divorced and has two children to two different women. It doesn't bother me at all. If anything, I am sort of sad about how his life turned out, but wish him nothing but happiness and good things.
I cared so much about him. We did a lot of growing up together, and spent a lot of time together. He came from a very dysfunctional family and spent a lot of time at my house. My parents became very attached to him. When I went to college we did some crappy things to each other. Included in this was my going to his place to find him in his underwear and a girl in his shower. But I forgave all that and have no bitterness toward him.
The next guy I dated from about 20-22. I recently found out he got married and it bothers me a lot. I don't really know why. I never felt that genuine all-encompassing love toward him that I felt for my first boyfriend. I think we actually brought out the worst in each other in so many ways. I think maybe it bothers me b/c there was no closure... or b/c, despite being with him for so long we couldn't make a meaningful connection...
So basically, I think it is normal to be a bit bothered.
it is weird...i'm not even sure I call this guy an "ex"...as we were never officially "boyfriend girlfriend" but more "FWB" if you get my drift...
we lived together for over a year - and we were just really good friends...
we parted on good terms - but just drifted apart.
he was NEVER the committment-type and so I heard from him last year and found out he got married and had a kid!!!
I am VERY happy for him - but it does weird me out a little. :p
It wouldn't upset me unless he got her pregs while we were together. I'd prob. just be glad it wasn't ME! LOL
it kills me everytime I am on facebook and find someone I used to date and find out that they're married, getting married, had children, having children, or a combination of either. Sometimes it makes me feel like, what am I doing wrong that everyone could have so much. Almost like the good luck chuck movie lol, where if you dated me, you will find someone you want to marry/have kids with right after!
I just recently found out that one of my ex bfs just had a kid with his gf. We were each others firsts so obviously its not a relationship you easily forget. That doesn't mean I ever thought of marrying him either though, it just honestly feels kinda weird knowing that he has a kid lol. Plus we almost got back together one time and I found out he was dating her so I've never really liked her.. I'm not upset by it because I am a million times happier with my life now than I could've ever been with him, but it just seems odd to think of ex's with babies lol.
I think it's normal to feel a little bit bothered.. but I definitely wouldn't feel upset or sad or anything like that.
I am not sure why this thread came up to the top when no one else has replied for a year...but I'll share a story.
I only had one really serious ex before my husband, and he ended up cheating on me with his best friend's gf of 9 years. We broke up, they broke up, and both ex's (mine and his) apparently tried to date, but it didn't work out. Its been almost 8 years since that happened, and now I am happily married, and his best friend is happily married with a kid. While my ex is still single, and has been the entire time, and she has a kid with an apparently abusive man.
Funny how the world works, when him (her ex) and I were the problems in our relationships??? Haha, karma, gotta love it.
But, if my ex knocked someone up? I think I woudl feel sad for the girl, unless they were really serious and ended up together. He's not a bad guy, but has a serious video game and pot problem. I think I'll always love him cuz he was my first love, and I was planning our wedding when all that went down, but I don't have any actual feelings towards him
I dated a guy for two years, and after we broke up he started dating another girl. About a year or so later, I heard she was pregnant. Not sure if they're still together. All I could think at the time, and all I still do think, is that I was SO glad it wasn't me!
That would upset me because I know that my ex was the best person he has been when he was with me, and it would be really disappointing that he wasn't keeping himself to higher standards. I know it would upset me because months after we broke up my roommates and I were partying at his house (we all had many, many mutual friends, and were friends with his roommates) and he proceeded to take a girl into his room to have sex while I was there, just to rub it in my face how "over" me he was. However, just before that he was complaining about how I hated him to my roomie and how I meant the world to him and he loved me. Ha, stupid people.
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So...
I recently found out my first boyfriend, who I had been really serious with, has a 1 year old, out of wedlock. It bothers me! Why should I care- I have a most wonderful FI that I am happy with. Maybe it is mixed emotion- it ended badly between us and there was no closure. I just can't believe it- I guess it would have been easier for me to accept if something led up to it... like first comes marriage? We were one another's first. I guess I feel like I thought I taught him better than that. It weirds me out. And, I wish I didn't know! Darn Facebook- he started messaging me one night and I hoped it would be innocent, light chatting. I guess I feel like someone just grabbed him right away so he couldn't get away. Does anyone else know how I feel? Would it bother you, do you have a similar story?