Post # 1
My FI is honestly the kindest, sweetest guy in the world who would move mountains to make me happy. That’s why I was crushed when I asked him a few weeks ago (during a visit of my Mom) whether he liked her, and he couldn’t answer with a yes. My mom is a really kind and caring person, but she has a lot of personal problems (related to my Dad who is abusive) and she isn’t always a very cheerful person. She never says anything but often she doesnt look happy, and it was bothering my FI a great deal. I told him about some of the issues she is having, and that she is suffering a lot, but somehow I just can’t see any empathy coming from him, which is very unusual for him, as he is a very empathetic person. I suppose it doesnt help that he doesnt speak my Mom’s language (she speaks a bit of English but often says things that to a native speaker would sound rude, even though she doesnt mean it at all.. she just has no idea about the connotations). He has never been rude to her and has always made a LOT of effort to be polite and friendly when she is around, but it bothers me a lot to think that he dislikes her and is just being friendly for my sake. I know he doesn’t have to marry her or anything, but I love my mother to pieces and feel so sad for her, and it bothers me a great deal to think that my life partner has antipathies towards her..
What would you think? Would it be a big deal for you, or would you think that as long as he is polite and friendly it shouldnt matter how he feels personally towards her? Should I just try and get over it?
Post # 3
@MrsViolin: If FI disliked anyone in my family for essentially no reason, he would not be my fiance. I could never be with someone who did not like my family.
Post # 4
I’m in this same kind of situation, but instead it’s me. It’s not a dealbreaker in my relationship and I don’t think it should be.
I think it speaks volumes of his love for you that is genuinely making an effort to try. After 30+ years of marriage to my mom my own father doesn’t exactly ‘like’ my grandfather, but they are civil to each other and bond over talking about the news.
And you’re right, he’s marrying you, not her, and maybe with time he can come around to liking her, but I don’t think it should be the end-all to your relationship. You’ve known your mom all your life so naturally you know her better and have had more time to understand–he hasn’t.
Post # 5
I don’t think something like this should be a dealbreaker. He’s marrying you, not your family. Just like you’re not marrying his family.
If my husband didn’t like my mother, I’d just shrug it off. He doesn’t have to, because she’s my mother.
ETA: All I expect of my husband is to be civil. I expect that of anyone.
Post # 6
I think a lot of my feelings on the topic would depend on if he had a good reason to dislike her, but as long as he could be civil and didn’t openly bash her in front of me, then we wouldn’t have an issue.
Post # 7
I know that there are things about my mom that my SO doesn’t like. I do appreciate that he is nice to her and makes an effort to get to know her. I don’t think that your FI has the opport
@MrsViolin: I know that there are things about my mom that my SO doesn’t like. I do appreciate that he is nice to her and makes an effort to get to know her. I don’t think that your FI has the opportunity to do this as they can’t really communicate. I think it’s nice that your FI does at least come around and makes the effort. My previous BF wouldn’t even do that, we dated 6 years and he avoided my mom like she had a contagious disease. UGH!!
Post # 8
It would bother me, but only because my mom has done so much for him.
But honestly…. I dont like his mother. I think she’s racist (I’m white and they’re black,) I dont like the way she raised him, I just dont like her. She apparently doesnt like me either though. She’s only “met” me twice, and both times she kept her back toward me and I never even saw her face. She wont let me in their house either.
Its obviously not a dealbreaker for him, so I shouldnt treat him any other way if he didnt like my family.
Post # 9
@MrsViolin: It would be important to me, but I dont know if it would be a dealbreaker. My concern would be his lack of empathy. My Mom is very different from DH’s family. She is very opinionated and gets into my business. In the beginning DH had a hard time with that (his family is very hands off). But over time, he saw how much my Mom loves me and loves him. She really has good intentions.
English is also a second language for my Mom. Yes, she sometimes slips into Japanese, but I just translate and he doesnt take offense. He’s also tried to learn a little bit of Japanese. It really made my Mom feel good and scored some major points with my family in Japan when we visited. He’s learned maybe 5-10 words, so not alot. But it really showed he was making an effort. I also think your FI would cut your Mom some slack for her English mistakes if he tries to learn her language and sees how hard it is.
Post # 10
Thank you all so much for your replies.. it really helps me put my mind at ease. I am someone who tends to think a lot.. too much, often.. and it creates stress for me. It is true, he has made an effort to learn some of my language.. and he isn’t bad at all, except that he doesn’t like studying, so the progress is very gradual..
Luckily he never actually says anything negative unless I actually tell him about some of the things that are going on at home, because I need to vent to someone, and hope for some support..
I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker for me either, but it does feel good to know other people have dealt with the situation.. I really smiled at the grandfather story of misskitten 🙂
It is also true that I don’t particularly fancy certain things about his mother either.. however, I have never told him that.
Post # 11
@MrsViolin: If he has respect for her, that is what matters. It’s possible to care about and respect someone without liking them.
Post # 12
Well Idon’t like his mom so I really don’t care if he likes mine or not. To be fair my mom has a much nicer personality than his, and is a much nicer person, so I do think he likes her. I’m just happy that he likes me!
Post # 13
@Hyperventilate: This. I would expect him to be civil but if he did not like her than I would just shrug it off, he doesn’t have to, he would just have to be respectful and civil.
Post # 14
@MrsViolin: depending on the reason no it wouldn’t bother me really.
Post # 15
This would not be a deal breaker for me. As long as he is polite and respectful I could look past the fact that he doesn’t like her.
Post # 16
All he needs to be is polite and respectful. He doesn’t need to absolutely adore her.