(Closed) Would it bother you if your FI was into porn?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you be bothered if your FI liked to look at porn?
    Absolutely!! Why would he need porn when he has me? : (47 votes)
    26 %
    Not at all, porn is just a fantasy. : (15 votes)
    8 %
    Maybe, if it were to interfere with our relationship and he prefered it over me. : (92 votes)
    51 %
    No, I like porn too! : (28 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Is he a porn maniac? or just occassionally into looking? I think if it’s a constant thing or something he does a lot, then there’s a huge problem. I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate here a little bit. 

    I think a lot of women will disagree with me on this because they don’t want THEIR fiances looking at porn. OMG PORN, NO! AHHH. I’m not a fan of the idea, but I think it’s normal. Most of those women are fake up to their eyelids anyways. Also, saying that they don’t watch porn once in awhile is like saying they don’t "take care of themselves" occassionally when we all know they do. I mean, c’mon, realistically? Are you going to be offended if your FI wants to do it himself sometimes when you aren’t around? haha.

    Once I caught my FI simply because I was looking for a site I’d been to and hit Ctrl+H and found a website with boobies! He was like, "well, when I’m bored. I just like boobies" and sure enough, that was the only hit on his computer in a month.  I’m sure he’s read a playboy here and there, but it’s not like he gets a subscription. I’m sure that some guys get "tips" on what to do to women from porn, too. I learn new "tricks" from Cosmo all the time!!! How is reading about it any different than occassionally watching it?

    I don’t think casual porn is a big deal. Are we talking pictures or really dirty stuff? I’d be freaked if I saw really dirty stuff on my FI’s computer, though. Anything really, er, nasty I guess, or really out there. It would also tell me that maybe OUR sex life was a little ho-hum and I’d directly ask him if he wants us to spice things up a little or if he just wanted to watch a fantasy. Everyone has fantasies. Or maybe he’s just curious, I think that’s normal too.

    Look at it this way: how many women read steamy romance novels, right? Erotic novels, to me, are the same way. Sometimes I read an excerpt and go "whoa…where’s my FI? I want to jump his bones" because it has the same effect. Reading really sexy stuff and watching sexy stuff…it kinda is the same thing now, isn’t it? Maxim has lots of borderline photos, too. C’mon, mostly naked celebrities?

    Don’t we oggle men with nice abs too? It’s just that men’s, er, "junk" isn’t as nice to look at as some of ours I think. At least that’s how my FI puts it. I don’t like looking at men’s hairy butts and their unattractive man parts. It’s not pretty. But to them, women’s stuff is! I guess there’s just some food for thought. I wouldn’t be bothered if my FI looks at porn once in awhile privately.

    I also had some really sexy boudoir pictures done for him so now he can look at ME! and he LOVES THEM.

    Post # 4
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I clicked "if it interfered with our relationship" because I think that signals a problem. Just like anything that interferes in a relationship. I’d like to think that I’m everything my FI wants in a sexual fantasy, but I’m just not, realistically. At least not all the time

    Hey, sometimes my old boxer shorts and t-shirts are easier to get into than lingerie, lol

    Post # 5
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    we actually had a little bit of an issue with this. basically FH was checking some sites out and I found them in the computer history. it did creep me out initially but really, it’s a visual fantasy so I tried to understand. I asked him to just delete the history so I couldn’t see the sites. I haven’t checked the computer in a year so I have no idea if he’s still looking at it but we have so little alone time away from each other that if he is looking at it, it’s not a usual thing. I also offered to look at it with him (sorry if that’s tmi). I figured if it was something he was interested in we could at least do it together. He never took me up on the offer though.

    Basically, it did initially creep me out but then I realized that guys look at porn. As long as he isn’t addicted to it, I’m ok with the occasional viewing.

    Post # 6
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I agree completely with ejs48y.  And I think as long as you and your FI know where you each stand on it and are honest (like anything else), it’s no big deal.   So I also voted for the "if it interfered" option.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    I may end up being in the minority here, but I am not okay with it at all. We are both actively seeking to live a Christian lifestyle and believe that porn is in direct opposition with that lifestyle.

    That said, I am also aware that these days it is rare to find a male who has not looked at porn at some point. I wouldn’t hold it against him to have something like that in his past, but it has no place in his present or in our future together.

    My final word on the matter is to echo minneapolitan and ejs48y: the most important thing is that both of you are on the same page, regardless of how you feel about porn. If you are ok with him looking occasionally, I hope that means he’d be fine with you looking at it occasionally, too!

    Cheers,

    MissRain

    Post # 8
    Member
    960 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    When FI and I were first dating I used his computer to write a paper and somehow found a huge stash of porn (I wasn’t snooping, seriously). At first, I got very upset and freaked out. I know he continued to watch it (we were long distance for over 2 years) and I think he still does even though we’re living together. My issue wasn’t the fact that he watched it, but it was the amount he watched. I’ll admit, I have looked on his computer to see if he still watches and for a while I was shocked at how much he was watching! Now, I don’t know if he just went to a lot of sites to find something he liked or if he actually watched like 2 HOURS of porn. Regardless, it kind of got to me.

    However, I felt like a hypocrite. Why? Because I myself like porn! I’d watched it with other boyfriends and privately (ha, I can’t believe I just admitted that). So a few weeks ago FI and I decided to go to a sex toy store. We bought a movie but didn’t watch it until this past Tuesday. Seriously girls, if your sex life is lacking or getting boring, go buy some porn! I’m not kidding, it was like we were freshly dating again (we’ve been together for over 3 years). 

    Obviously it is OK if you have a problem with it. I get that it can be nasty and demeaning to women. But honestly, a little research goes a long way. There are plenty of women directors out there who are making movies specifically for women. 

    I think if a women thinks her SO isn’t masturbating and/or watching porn, they might want to reconsider that thought. Sometimes I WANT my FI to do it so he lasts longer with me! Self pleasure shouldn’t be this thing that we scoff at. It’s healthy, it teaches us to be comfortable with our bodies, and it’s fun. Porn can be a great accessory to it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Agreed. I don’t actually care to look at porn, though…i don’t find it very interesting. Some if it scares me! haha. But I’m not opposed to us both looking at it at some point. We’ve talked about incorporating various things into our sex life in the future when we feel the need to.

    @EAQ219, lol, my FI and I do that, too. 

    It’s really nice to see other woman out there with the same view of this kind of stuff as me. Living in the midwest, people are generally pretty conservative here. I’m the "hippie liberal" at all our functions, LoL. Sometimes I think I’m just brainwashed by Glamour and Self about sex, haha. Most of my friends are REALLY freaked out by these things. Mostly because a lot of them are sexually inactive though. A few of them are like missrain, very Christian/Catholic so I respect them by not bringing up the topic in the first place. They’d be completly abhorred by the idea of some things and I try not to kiss and tell. I have one friend that I swap information with. But, interestingly enough, my friends come to me for advice so they are prepared for their wedding night! LOL. I now make "sex baskets" for bachelorette gifts for my virgin buddies. All very useful little tools i’ve come across in the last 4 years with my FI.

    I’ve been thinking about sex a LOT lately b/c my FI and I took a 13-month break before our wedding night. And our honeymoon is in 3 weeks! I’m getting really nervous, LoL. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    960 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Ejs4y8: 13 MONTHS!?!? I think I remember you saying at some point that he’s in the military though, right? Wow, though…I’d be nervous, too! Aww I’m so excited for you!! And your FI, too, I guess lol. You two really WILL have that honeymoon period that so many newlyweds don’t get to really feel because they live with their SO’s and see them all the time. Ok…enough threadjacking…continue with the porn talk!

    Post # 11
    Member
    773 posts
    Busy bee

    My FI looks at porn maybe once every two weeks.  It doesn’t really bother me.  I asked him to show me what kind of things he watched- it was all basically the same stuff we like to do together.  He has a much, MUCH bigger sex drive than I do, and sometimes I do say no, even when I know he really wants to, so he turns to porn because it helps him blow off some of that steam. 

    Now, excuse me, but I have tried to find a more polite way to say this and I haven’t.

    I don’t really get why he needs porn to help him masturbate.  Theoretically, he’s already all hot and horny, or why does he want to get off in the first place?  I have come to realize that his libido works in a completely different way from mine.  He doesn’t have to be "horny" to be "in the mood".  He doesn’t really understand why I can’t just be ready for sex at every waking moment– I need some TLC first.  We’ve really had to learn to recognize those differences to make our sex life work.

    The long and short of it is that yes, I would be uncomfortable if he was watching porn on a daily basis and it was something that he preferred to having sex with me.  But I’m not going to begrudge him an occasional video, especially when I’ve turned him down. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    529 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011 - Trinity Lutheran Church & Idlewild Country Club

    I clicked that it doesn’t bother me because it’s a fantasy.

    I think I’m in the minority here, but it doesn’t bother me at all and I know FI watches/looks at porn rather often. I don’t enjoy watching it myself, but it feels like no big deal because we’ve been honest and open about it from the beginning. He told me that he watches porn and we’ve talked about it. It’s not akward at all I think because we’ve talked about it so much.

     I just kind of assumed it was normal for him to watch, especially so he can have ‘alone time.’ I’m waiting til I get married to have sex, so (by default) FI hasn’t had sex in the last four years. It would be cruel to take porn away from him hahaha. Not that it’d ever come to this, but I’d rather have him use a movie with himself than do something with someone else.

     But, seriously, just because a guy watches a movie of other people doesn’t mean he’d rather be with someone else. It just means he’d rather have you there :).

    Post # 13
    Member
    2641 posts
    Sugar bee

    I have to fall into the same camp as missrain.  I certainly think there is a continuum, regarding the severity.  So obviously the stronger the porn, the worse it is.

    I heard a lecture.  (I’m not positive.  But it might be from this site.  http://www.chastity.com/seminars/index.php?id=5 .)  There were some really interesting points.  This guy talked about how when someone views porn, he (or she) is getting unhealthy images.  They might walk away with certain expectations (ie. body type, certain sized naughty bits, willingness to perform certain acts.)  And in reality, most partners won’t actually meet those expectations (or all of them anyway).  He also said that in viewing porn you start getting to the point where you need the porn or those images, to be able to have sex with your partner.  I think he was saying that as you’re having sex with your partner, you might find yourself doing things (with increasing frequency), like only wanting sex if you watch porn, or as your having sex, imagining other people or porn images in order to enjoy it or "get you where you need to be".  The bottom line is, ultimately you end up in a situation where your partner is simply not enough for you.  And if you feel that way what will happen next?

    Just thought it was interesting, for anyone who wanted to check it out. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I think that’s a good point, Tanya123. I think it CAN be a *gateway* into crazier stuff.

    That being said, am I the only one who, when she’s had a glass or two of vino, is less inhibited and a little more open in bed? My FI loves that, but I’m not about to have a glass of wine every time we’re intimate just to reach that mental stage of less inhibition so we can have wilder sex.

    I’d certainly never want a male porn star for a real FI! They’re scary sized!!!!! AHHHH. lol. We all know the girls are so plastic and fake and collagened and the men are bronzed and hyped on steroids anyways, haha. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    700 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Speaking from personal experience, I had to go through this situation with my FI.   It was very, very, VERY stressful, and it nearly broke our relationship.

    His view point was that he wasn’t physically cheating and that it was normal and that it was just something he had always done.  My feeligns were that it was a "sneaking" activity, it made me feel like I wasn’t physically attractive to him, and it was something he would do when I’d be in the house asleep or in another room sometimes.  It took MANY conversations, arguments, and months before we had a common understanding about it. 

    It was really hard to go through, but I’m glad we did, because the biggest thing about it that bothered me was the sneaking aspect.  Once he realized what an impact it had on me, and once I realized that he loves me (and my body) and that he wouldn’t lie or sneak about it anymore, he stopped using it or at least only uses it when I am not around and that doesn’t really bother me. 

    I guess now, my opinion on the matter is that if he still does it, I want to know nothing!  He respects my standpoint on this, and I do his. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    218 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I don’t mind if my FI looks at porn once in a while – it’s just a fantasy.  I would be upset if it started to interfere with our relationship or if he would rather look at porn than be with me.

    The topic ‘Would it bother you if your FI was into porn?’ is closed to new replies.

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