Post # 1
My BF and I have been together nearly three years and have got a really happy and peaceful relationship. We get on really well and am both looking forward to a future together.
I am 29 and he is 40. He has not been married before and its been ages (5 years) prior to me, that he has been in a relationship. I was shocked by this when we first met because he is nice looking, lovely and has a good career etc. He has lived on his own (and continues to as we are looking to buy a house soon).
We have never really had the talk about marriage, babies etc. It just never comes up. We talk of ‘in ten years time’ and ‘when were old’ etc but the actual talking about a date never comes up. He also says he ‘hates any talk that makes it sound like I wont be around forever’.
Last night we went out for cocktails and after two cocktails I let it slip that I was disapointed we were not engaged yet. He was really good about it and told me he had no idea that was what I wanted. (I assumed that a man would guess this was what I wanted after years of being in a relationship!)
The thing was, he did not really say that he would propose any time soon, he said ‘its just hard because were saving for a house – that takes money babes’. Our intention is to house hunt in the next few months (mortgage together) and it does not sound like we will be getting engaged in that time period.
I was just wanting some advice from the bees, what do you think of this situation and what would you do next?
Thanks so much, any advice is appreciated
Post # 2
Ask him flat out if he wants marriage and kids with you in the future, and if so, when. I wouldn’t buy a house with him until you know the answer to that question and you’re happy with it.
Post # 3
I agree with sosojamie, also i think it strange that he had no idea an engagement was what you wanted when you are getting a mortgage together, most would assume marriage and mortage go hand in hand. It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship together so maybe an engagement could be something you decide together rather than waiting for him to have the money for a ring. You could suggest an inexpensive ring and upgrade later on.
Post # 4
LLMMCC: I personally prioritize partner over house so unless my partner and I are on the same page regarding marriage, I would NOT get a mortgage with someone.
If he hates talk that sounds like you won’t be around forever, then he needs to make his level of commitment clear in a way you understand. Otherwise you need to figure out what makes you happy and go get it.
Post # 5
I would just be asking him if there was a proposal coming or not, and if not I wouldn’t be buying a house. What’s the point? Particularly if you want kids. Pretty selfish of him not to consider your age and what you want out of life.
Post # 6
Why don’t you put your house hunting on hold and do the wedding first. Men tend to become super comfortable once they already have what they want and you will even hear those who formerly preached about the importance of marriage suddenly claiming “but it is just a piece of paper!”. Who knows, maybe there is a reason he is still unmarried at that age and you don’t want to have to discover that when you are already well into your thirties. So change the timeline around, if he starts to find excuses why this is not possible, think very hard how valid these excuses are.
Post # 7
I would absolutely not be getting a mortgage with someone I was not engaged (and preferably married) to. It you want to make that kind of financial commitment, it just makes sense to have the legal protections of marriage. Definitely sort this out before you get that house. If nothing else, you really need to make sure you have similar life goals and timelines in mind before you tie your financial future to him.
Post # 8
Getting a mortgage with someone your not engaged/married to is pretty risky. Sometimes you have to spell out what you want with some men, I know my SO is like that, just make sure you’re on the same page before you get a house together. Good luck 🙂
Post # 9
Smart men can be incedibly dense & of the ” if it ain ‘t broke . . .” mentality. That said, never married by age 40 does signal some committment issues.
I totally agree with the PPs–I wouldn’t entangle myself into a mortgage at this point. I think it’s time for another talk–this one riskier with a request for some specifics about marriage being in your future. You have every right to know his intentions, especially before tying yourself down to a mortgage with a man from whom you have no committment.
If things don’t work out, you’d still be on the hook for the mortgage.
Post # 10
I agree with PP about not buying a house at this point.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
Wait, the topic of marriage has never come up yet you’re about to sign 1,000 pieces of paper for a 30 year mortgage together?
Please have a real conversation (not over drinks) and talk about timelines and saving. We bought a house before we were engaged, but we had a timeline and a plan for when we would be married – before even looking at houses.
Communicate with him! If you want to be married, tell him by what time. Guys have a tendancy to drag their feet if they get complacement in the relationship – which is what will happen once you have a nice home together – why buy the cow, right?
Post # 12
IME men in their mid-30+ who aren’t talking marriage are a dead end for women wanting marriage. I spent 3 years with a man like this. Thank goodness we didn’t have any financial ties to untagle when I broke up with him. I have many friends who have been through this. One had 2 children with the man and he still doesn’t think marriage is a necessity. One has made it clear that 3 years is her limit and has started her house/apartment search for when 3 years is up. She’s been open about it in a non-aggressive/non-ultimatum way and he’s pretty much sad to see her go, but not willing to marry her.
Most of the couples who bought a house before marriage with it working were younger, openly talking about marriage, or engaged first.
With FH, when we made the decision to put my house on the market and move into his (6 months into the relationship), he made it clear a proposal was coming. On the anniversary of our first date, he was true to his word and we got engaged. He didn’t want me to worry about making big financial commitments without his overt emotional commitment.
Buying a house is a huge commitment. Often I don’t think it’s as much of a financial advantage as society makes it out to be (coming from someone who has owned a home for 6 years). I would absoultely not buy a house with someone who hadn’t been actively planning marriage.
Post # 13
You need to talk with him Bout your needs and wants. Your dreams are important too. My SO talked about us buying a house together, and we had previously discussed mairriage, but I was doubting his commitment to following through on that, i told him I wasn’t willing to sign onto a mortgage with him without a ring on my finger. I want marriage, and I needed to make sure we were on the same page and commited before I would be willing. There is a ring in the house now, although we probably won’t be moving any time soon. Basically, my point is, you need to know what you can live with and be happy, and to do that you need to talk to him.
Post # 14
LLMMCC: I would not be buying a house with someone who has not expressed any interest in marrying me. And this comes from someone who purchased a home with their spouse 3 years before we even got engaged. That being said, I knew the plan was always to get married (and we’d been together 8 years at the point of buying our house). I think you need to flat out ask him what his intentions are and if he has plans for marriage and children – if those things are important to you. My concern would be that at 40 and not married w/ any kids, he maybe feels like that stage in life has passed and since you never brought it up in the past he thinks maybe you don’t need/want those things.
Post # 15
Hes 40. He’s not stupid, he’s not young, and hes not naive. He knows full well that you want to be married/have kids. I’d be willing to bet MY house that those thoughts have crossed his mind regarding what you might want out of life.
Please stop makign excuses for him. He’s a grown man for crying out loud!
I implore you to STOP all house buying/searching business and talk and the marriage topic squared away. If you buy a house with this man you’ve essentially signed a 30-yr contract agreement to NEVER BE MARRIED and to NEVER HAVE CHILDREN – becuse that’s HIS plan, NOT yours.
Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to divide financials and real estate when you’re not married? I’m guessing you don’t because you’d be frightened to even consider that a possibility if you did.
This is a losing game for you if you go down this road. Stand up for whats important to you, what YOU want!
I cannot tell you how maddening it is to hear a women make excuses for grown men because we want to rationalize /justify our emotional ties to them.
No marriage ( +/- kids) = no house. Honestly, seriously.