Post # 1
I’m a struggling waiter and would love some of your insight on my issue.
As some of you know, my SO and I have been dating for nearly 8 years. Our 8 year anniversary is in early September. I’m not expecting a proposal on our anniversary (he always wishes that he asked me on another day), but I am hoping for one in the near-ish future.
About 2 months ago, I attempted to email the SO with a list of rings I liked. He seemed underenthused, so I asked him why. He finally asked me why I thought he wasn’t interested in looking. I first said “because you don’t want to get engaged” (I can be a negative nancy, haha). He said no, it’s because he already has a ring, but it’s not ready, I shouldn’t expect to get one, and I’m impossible to surprise.
I haven’t brought up wedding talk since then.
He told me over a year ago (May 2011) that he’s been wanting to get married for a long time now. I’ve been waiting since he told me that. I didn’t expect to be waiting this long. I’ve been good with the talk – maybe 5-7 times in that entire stretch of the year.
We’re going to a wedding at the end of October. As joyous as the day will be, I know I will be slightly disappointed if I haven’t made any progress in my own relationship (plus, I imagine there will be some “When are you guys going to do get engaged already” comments being made in our direction).
Do you guys think it would be bad if sometime after the wedding, in November, I bring up the marriage talk again? Or should I wait some more? I just feel like I’m in the dark on a timeline and it’s DRIVING ME CRAZY.
Thanks for your help wonderful, loving Bees!!!!!!
Post # 3
I don’t think I would be able not having a timeline in a relationship that I have been in for 8 years. When you do bring it up I would try to bring up the fact that you need to have at least an idea of when it is going to happen b/c you may need to save for the wedding or the fact that some venues can have up to a 2 year waiting list.( examples)
I would try to say something to light a fire under him, b/c if not he is just wasting your time.
Post # 4
I’d go crazy without some kind of timeline, so I would bring it up again. By November you’ll have been quiet for seven months! That’s more than enough time to surprise you, in my opinion.
ETA: I just realized that was May 2011! Girl, you are way calmer than I would be. After eight years of being together and him having the ring mostly ready for over a year I’d be bouncing off the walls. I would definitely have a conversation with him after the wedding (or sooner)!
Post # 5
I think the wedding you’re attending in October is the perfect excuse to bring it up (not that you need an excuse at this point – you must have the patience of a saint to wait that long! I am losing my sh*t at almost 6 yrs LOL)
Post # 6
Wow, I don’t think I could have held out for 8 years. Congrats on that! If he told you he had a ring (almost) ready in May 2011.
For me personally, once Darling Husband started discussing marriage/rings, I expected it within 6 months (which I got). I think I would have been devastated if he made me wait and wait and wait and wait…if you have the ring, why NOT propose!?
Edit – to be more helpful – if you are not engaged by the time this October wedding rolls around, I think then you should have a serious talk about his intentions. Tell him that you won’t wait years for a ring.
Post # 7
I think saying something either before or after the wedding in October will be fine. I give you credit for keeping you cool with being with him for 8 years LOL. I’m losing my mind at 5!! I would just ask him ” If you really have the ring then what’s the hold up” I would be going crazy if my SO had it!
Post # 8
I don’t understand why you haven’t brought it up already, to be honest. It’s a decision you both get to make, and the wishes and timeline of both of you should be factored in. It’s been 8 years. You don’t need our permission to advance your relationship!
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Marriage is a decision made by both parties in the relationship. You should be able to have open, honest conversations about marriage whenever you need to. This should not be some big mystery that you are to be kept in the dark about.
You need to talk to him and listen to him, have a dialogue about life goals and timelines and solid plans for the future. Talk about values. let him know that you value marriage and want that level of commitment in your relationship, and find out if he feels the same. If he cannot/will not have these discussions with you, you’ll have some hard decisions to make. Good luck.
Post # 10
@BadaBingBling: I wouldn’t plan a time when you bring it up, but I would try to not bring it up. 🙂 So – that’s a no vote for November. It sounds like you know he:
1) wants to get married
2) knows what kind of ring he wants to get you
3) really wants to surprise you
….the best thing you can do is to continue to focus on those things and let him think an engagement is the furthest thing from your mind!
Hang in there!!!!!!!
Post # 11
I should clarify. I’ve only known about a ring for 2 months and he also told me it wasn’t ready yet. He told me in May 2011 that he’s been wanting to get married for years (he claims he was waiting on me).
I’m in a good place in that I know he loves me and wants to get married. He knows I love him and I want to get married. That part has been pretty well settled. I’m just kind of getting antsy being in the dark for so stinking long. Not going to lie, but I’ve been expecting a proposal ever since he told me he’s been wanting to get married for years. If he was waiting on me, then wouldn’t he be excited to start this chapter of our lives together? Maybe his is his form of payback, haha.
I think my SO has it in his head that a proposal HAS to be a surprise. I want him to propose the way he wants, but at the same time, I’m going crazy. Is his surprise factor worth over a year of stress?
I’m glad to see so many of you agree that I’m being patient, haha that makes me feel tons better. I’m leaning towards just trying to continue to wait patiently and not set a “LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS NOW’ bombardment in November. But we all know how it feels to keep something in for so long. It’s unhealthy and frustrating. I’m glad I have you guys to vent to and come to for help.
Post # 12
I think you’re an excellent candidate for Mr. Bee’s plan, if you aren’t already following it. Ordinarily, I’d suggest a conversation is in order, but you seem to be pretty secure in the fact that he does want this as badly as you do.
Maybe make some Engagement Chicken and see what happens? I’m at a loss for anything else to suggest, but I do certainly admire your fortitude for being able to hold out so long. You have the patience of a saint.
Post # 13
You’re being crazy patient! I pretty much bring it up every day…it’s so hard!!
Plus my SO is leaving in less than two weeks (as you know) for 5 months, so it’s hard not to bring up.
I, too, don’t have a timeline 🙁 So I know how you feel. My bf said 2 years and that’s only because he doesn’t want me to know when AT ALL.
I’d bring it up again! It’s your future too!
Post # 14
Damn – we’d be talking about that, you have way more patience than I do. We also talk about everything. I’d be the one who said something like “I know you want to surprise me, and I’m totally on board with that, but if it’s not before Christmas, I’m going to surprise you by moving on with my life.”
Post # 15
@almostmrsj: “I know you want to surprise me, and I’m totally on board with that, but if it’s not before Christmas, I’m going to surprise you by moving on with my life.”
Post # 16
@AmuseMeMusically : I’m totally trying to do the plan!! I started a few months ago. I thought about making engagement chicken. haha, couldn’t hurt right?? I’ll make a plan to make it for dinner sometime this week and see how it goes! I need some inspiration on how to continue with the plan though. I’m kinda getting burnt out.
@almostmrsj : I almost think he needs to hear something like that! He needs to get his cute lil boody in gear. But he’s one of those obnoxiously stubborn and insanely “logical” men. He wouldn’t take to it too well… stupidmanhead. haha.
And yes, it’s definitely my future too. Gah, I keep going back and forth. And I always wait until the “right moment” to talk about this kind of stuff. And then I think about it beforehand so much that the right moment becomes overwhelmingly complicated and I never say anything the way I want to. Bah! Maybe I should lighten up on the detailed conversation planning and let it flow out on it’s own? Or maybe I should keep holding my tongue.