Post # 1
Hi Bees – just wondering what your thoughts are on this situation.
My grandmother’s sister’s grandson is getting married in the spring. The relationship is confusing, maybe it’s easier to say my dad’s cousin’s son is getting married? I think that would be considered my second cousin. We are not close with this side of the family even though our family is very small. We haven’t seen them in many years even though they live less than an hour away.
Anyways, my Grandmother and Aunt (and her husband) have received save the dates for the wedding. They are all going to RSVP “yes” once the invites come in. My Grandmother is 80 and isn’t in the best health, we don’t know that she will be able to go to the wedding when it comes but the plan is that she will attend assuming she can. If my Grandmother isn’t feeling well enough my Aunt says I should take my Grandmothers place and show up instead of her. My Aunt says it would be rude to RSVP “yes” then not show up as the food would go to waste. I agree. I also think it’s rude to have somebody else show up and take somebody’s place, even though we’re family. I feel uncomfortable going to the wedding as I wasn’t invited and it’s not like she had a plus one or anything.
So, what do you recommend? Should my Grandmother RSVP “yes” even though it depends on her health? Should I go if she can’t? Help!!
Post # 2
I personally wouldn’t go in someone else’s place if I wasn’t invited. Honestly, just put yes for your grandma and when the time comes, just play it by ear. If she knows a few days ahead of time that she cannot make it, she should notify whomever is planning the wedding that she will not be attending. A heads up is much nicer than a no show with no notice.
Post # 3
since she is 80, I assume they are also aware of her age, and are aware that her health could prevent her from attending. I do not believe they would hold it against her if she did not attend. I would not go in her place but just let her RSVP yes and if she can not make it just have her send a card with a simple apology.
Post # 4
whitepeacock: Agreed. Plus, with her declining health I’m sure they’d be understanding if she felt she could no longer attend.
Post # 5
Stephs89: The family should be understanding of your grandmother’s health, though she (or your aunt) can always let the bride and groom know that she is iffy. I would not automatically send someone to attend in her place without them knowing, I do think that is rude. The bride and groom may offer up that once they learn that her attendance is iffy, and if they don’t, then I don’t think anyone should go in her place.
Post # 6
TaraMay_: username1014: whitepeacock: Great advice.. thank you! I really like the idea of giving them a heads up that she won’t be able to make it if she knows a few days ahead of time. She could also give a card to my Aunt to bring on her behalf.
Post # 7
Stephs89: People who are not invited are not substitutes for those who are.
If your Grandmother wants to attend the wedding, she should rsvp yes, but include a note that her attendance is dependent on her health, to give the hosts a heads-up. If she is unable to attend she should try to give as much notice as possible.
The couple may very well prefer to extend a last minute plus one to someone who is invited rather than have a virtual stanger sub in.
Post # 8
goblueca: Exactly! I would feel super uncomfortable being like “someone couldn’t come so I just tagged along!” I know if that happened at my wedding I would be like WTF? If they want someone else in the family to attend they could offer that.
It’s safe to say that I will not be attending the wedding! 🙂
Post # 9
I think the rude and groom will be understanding, and I’m sure your grandma would know at least a few days in advance if she won’t be able to make it. That should be enough time, I think, they may have a couple people added to the guest list last minute anyway, so it might work out either way. I wouldnt go in her place unless they invite you to do so.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
She should RSVP yes and play it by ear. I’m sure they’re aware. I wouldn’t attend in her place unless someone (maybe the aunt?) specifically asks about doing so (if the aunt doesnt feel comfortable attending alone).
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
That would be your father’ second cousin, so your third cousin. Lol
and I don’t see anything wrong with your grandmother RSVP yes even if she doesn’t know what her health would be like. I don’t think it would be rude in your grandma’s case if she ended up not being able to go. I do see a problem with going in someone’s place.
Post # 12
MrsWoods47: Nope, she’s right. He’s her second cousin. He’s her dad’s first cousin once removed.
Post # 13
We had something sort of similar happen at our wedding and I think the answer is really just to give the bride and groom a “heads up”.
We invited a couple of close family friends and they RSVP’d “Yes”. A few weeks before the wedding, they found out they couldn’t come but asked if they could send their son (who is about 19 and quite close to us as well) as their “family representative” in their place. I said, of course that would be great. But it was nice to know ahead of time. Then I could seat their son with people he would know.
So I think your best course of action is to talk to your cousin and say, “Grandma might not be up to coming that day. But our side of the family still wants to be there to support you– would it be ok, if I came in her place if she’s not feeling well?”
My guess is that it won’t be perceived as rude IF you keep your hosts in the loop.
Post # 14
I think that would be really weird if you randomly went in her place uninvited just because you are family. Aunt who is also invited should just give the family an update cloer to the wedding if your Grandma isn’t actually able to attend. I think its a general understanding with people that age that there could be last minute issues where they can’t attend.
Post # 15
Your grandmother should RSVP yes. If she cannot go, it is up to the bride and groom (the hosts of the event) who they would like to attend in her place That is not your grandmother’s decision, or your aunt’s, or yours. It would absolutely be rude of you to attend or even to ask if you can attend in her place.