Post # 1
When FI and I met, he was in a relationship that had been falling apart for a while. We became close friends, but never took it further than that out of respect for the person he was with. Once he was certain that him and his ex wouldn’t be able to make their relationship work, he broke it off with her. We started officially dating four months after that.
When I tell people about how we met, my first instinct isn’t to hide the fact that he was seeing someone else at the time. Logic tells me that not every couple is going to be single and unattached when they first meet and realize that they have feelings for each other. If each party deals with it in the responsible way–ie breaking up, not cheating, not leading the person they’re with on–I don’t see a problem with it.
But even though FI and I have been together for almost five years and all my friends think he’s amazing, one of them still pulls that “if he cheated before, how can you just him not to cheat now?” My reponse is always that he didn’t cheat, because he left the other person before starting a relationship with me–and when I get snippy, I add that even if he did find someone else, at least I know he’d be honest and break up with me instead of just cheating on me. Nevertheless, I’ve started keeping this part of how we met secret from certain people, just because I don’t think we deserve the judgement.
So, what do you think? Would you admit that you and your SO met while dating someone else? As a listener, would you judge a couple if you heard that they had met while dating someone else?
Post # 3
@MrsRevolutionize: I honestly think that part of the story is not relevent. I would say we met in December 2010 and just were friends and talked a lot and actually began dating in April of 2011.
Post # 4
@MrsRevolutionize: My Mom was engaged to someone else when she met my Dad. I pass no judgement. As long as there’s no cheating going on and/or the other person isn’t married. No harm, no foul in my eyes.
Post # 5
I hate to say this..but yes..i would probably judge…Ive been in the position of my ex now being with someone who he would do things together alone with while we were dating…..makes me wonder…
Post # 6
I would judge just a teensy tinsy bit.
I’m sorry! I know it’s wrong! And it’s not like you had a crazy illicit affair while he was married with kids.
But in my head, there’s two sides to every story, and I’m wondering if his ex-GF is telling the story about how they were shopping for rings and she thought they were so happy, and then he left her for another woman out of nowhere!
And I’m sure that’s not the story, but it’s my very first thought!
Post # 7
I wouldnt necessarily volunteer it but I dont see anything wrong with it. I met my now spouse while I was dating someone else. Nothing happened of course but I 100% broke up with that person for her. And all my friends know. I think thats ok as long as there was no overlap…
Post # 8
My ex totally thinks I cheated on him because I knew my current FI and started dating him with in two weeks of breaking up. I even went to his birthday party 3 weeks before my ex and I broke up. Everyone who I care about knows I didn’t cheat. Anyone who suggested that I did is a moron. I think a few people who only knew my ex and not me think I cheated, but really, I don’t care (other than the fact that those people vandalized my car, but that is another story)
I think its fairly comon to be friends with a person before you start dating them. If that is while they are with someone else, and didn’t cheat on them, there is no fault on thier part. If you start thinking that friendship=cheating, thats where unhealthy jealousy issues start.
Post # 9
If he didn’t cheat on his ex and he was just friends with you then i don’t understand why anyone would judge. Its not like when you date someone your never allowed to meet new people. When he broke up with his ex he decided to date you. Big deal. Its life.
Now if you are now together because he had an affair/cheated on his ex then okay i might worry he’d cheat again… but if he didn’t cheat then its irrelevant.
He didn’t purposely go out looking for another girl and leave his ex imediately for you. It didn’t work out with his ex so since he was available he decided to go for you 4 months later. Sounds innocent to me.
I was a rebound girl that he intended to be a one night stand and make his ex jealous that had broken up with him 2 weeks earlier…. But we ended up falling in love and finding out we were perfect for each other. Life is never ideal.
Post # 10
We met long before we started dating. I was dating someone, he was dating around.. sorta monogomous with someone.
We started dating about 2 years after we met and were out of our respective relationships.. nothing wrong with that. We met in 2005 or so and started dating in 2007.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
I don’t see anything wrong with literally meeting a new person, like, “Hi Steve, nice to meet you.” Unless you started dating them while they were with the previous partner, then I do judge.
Post # 12
I was “dating” someone when I met DH. My ex and I had only been dating for 2-3 months, and it was long distance the whole time. DH and I didn’t start dating until I had broken up with the ex. I don’t mind telling people about it. The ex and I were such a non-relationship (in the whole relationship we only pecked on the lips… I ended up breaking up with him specifically because it felt like dating my brother and the long distance wasn’t for me). Since there is a whole lot more to our relationship story, it mostly isn’t relevant when we retell it. But I don’t feel like I need to hide it. It’s ok if people judge.
Post # 13
@BrandNewBride: That’s totally fair, and totally the kind of judging that I understand! Honestly, if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d probably be asking the same questions, which is part of why I wanted to poll the hive and see what the consensus was, hahah.
Edit: Whoops, forgot to allow people to choose multiple options! Poll changed 🙂
Post # 14
I was engaged when I met FI and I cheated, oh well. I don’t really get the argument there is no harm if you didn’t cheat but but once you cheated you’re a terrible horrible person.
The other person if they truly want to be married to you are gonna be devestated if you cheated or not. You’re still breaking off an angaement for someone else. That part hurts the most.
I also don’t get what people who say they are judging are judging. Would I be such a better person if I went ahead and married my ex even though every fiber of my body was telling me not to just becasue I said I would. Would that appease your judgyness?
I couldn’t care less who judges me for what and I’m pretty open about it, expecially since I’ve met so many people who met their husbands while being engaged as well, seems pretty common actually and I think it is more common then people tend to admit, but I still voted depends who I am talking to casue I would not want that convo with MIL or SIL. I don’t think they know and they are gossip queens and I just son’t need that.
Post # 15
That’s why they call it dating. There is no obligation to someone for a future at that point! If there are doubts about the relationship or even someone else you’d like to date, that is really all the justification you need to break up with that person!
Post # 16
There would be nothing to admit because I wouldn’t do that. If he’ll do it for you, he’ll do it to you. Not a path I’m interested in going down. For the sake of the question, no, I wouldn’t tell anyone because it’s none of their business. Do I judge? Also no because I don’t care. If it has no bearing on my life, I’m not going to waste time sitting around and judging it.