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I can't really speak to if it's normal or not but it sounds like your friend was this way BEFORE you asked her to be a BM. As far as the photographer goes...you can fix any issues by making sure that the photographer knows what pictures you want taken. Give the photographer a heads up that your BM may come asking for pictures other than what you have specified and that they should politely but firmly decline to take them.
As far as the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner goes. I don't see anything wrong with your BM wanting to dress nice. I am planning a casual bridal shower for my sister and she still plans on wearing a dressy sundress....we (the BMs are as well). Casual or not...she wants to make sure that she takes extra care with her appearance b/c the bridal shower is a special, once in a lifetime event for her.
It sounds like you two are definitely growing apart (which is natural since you're getting married and she's -- I assume -- still single so you have different lifestyles now), but I wouldn't worry too much about her sabatoging the wedding. If you're worried about what she'll wear to the rehearsal, maybe send out a general e-mail (to everyone in the bridal party, not just her, so she won't feel attacked), saying something about how formal/informal the rehearsal will be and giving some suggestions of appropriate dress. And if she still wears something ridiculous? Don't worry about it! she'll just be making a fool of herself and you and your FI will still be the center of attention. As for the photographer, like you said, they already know what to do. If you're concerned that she'll ask for poses, maybe mention it to the photograher (instead of to her -- again, so she doesn't feel attacked) so if she does, he can politely say "I'm sorry, I was requested not to do posed pictures". If she wants to take a ton of pictures with her own camera (even with random people), I'd say let her go for it. It'll mean more pictures for you to see and remember the day (or ignore if you'd rather).
So I'd say, yes, she sounds a bit annoying, but don't worry about it. You have enough other things to think about. Your day will be great!
Maybe there is more to the story. But based on what you said, I think you're blending issues and blowing things out of proportion.
She called you an old lady. Sometimes as friends, ppl think they can be a little more open or rib a little and not have others get bent out of shape. If it bothers you just be honest with her. And she's not digging the way you are spendnig your time, because she isn't on the same page as you. She still wants to live it up. Is there a way for you to come up with something your two can do together? Lunch? Movie? And if going to a bar is something she really enjoys, can you go once in a while? I know you want to cook and clean. That's great. Can't you take a break sometime? Especially since your FI is at school at night.
As for the shower- typically the showers I've gone to have been a little fancier than capris. Chances are if I was at your shower I would have been dressed too. If casual is how you do it in your family, did you fill your BM in on that? Afterall, she probably hasn't gone to any of your family showers before. As for too tight, revealing etc. I can't comment. Maybe that would be inappropriate.
So the photographer. I think you might have handled that rashly. As other pp's mentioned, you could have been more discreet talking to the photographer. Yes, I agree that it's not typical to have all kinds of pics taken with someone you just met. But it 's a little quirky. It's something I could see shaking your head at... "whatever". But I don't see why it's angering you so much.
If you're concerned about the RD, just mention to her, the formality of the occasion. If it's casual like the shower, say that. If it's more of an evening cocktail dress type thing, let her know that. Well at least you'll know what she's wearing to the wedding.
I don't think she seems to be acting out of the ordinary or with any meanness. There is no such thing as "laser like focus" on one person at a party, so yes even during bridal events someone at some point will be paying attention to someone else, but what a bm wears is not going to pull attention from the people who are getting married. I think you're worrying too much. What's wrong with her having pictures since she likes pictures? As long as you get all the pictures you want where's the harm? Where's the harm in her wearing someine she likes as long as you're dressed the way you want?
Tanya123- the bridal shower was pretty casual since it was a sunday brunch and we didnt have a room reserved for ourself!we were only in 15; it was thrown by my FMIL at the last minute since no one of the BM decided to give one to me!she is the only BM who lives here in Boston and my family doesnt live in MASS.
and i know her better, she loves attentions!
we do stuff together like lunch sometimes, but thats not the point... she is strating to make her own friends here in boston9she just moved here a year ago) so she doesnt ask me that much anymore..it bothers me that whatever i do she needs to do it to, or if i go out like the last minute she gets offended if i dont call her! i mean i really need to tell her where i go all th times?!!? she goes out with her friends from work and she doenst even tell me about it so im supposed to tell her when i go out with FIs friends? she is just all over the places and im not.. i think we are just growing apart..
RD is probably formal but not too formal.. we are going to have dinner in an italian restaurant in boston, but nothing major, and honestly i think she wants to wear the same dress she wore at the shower and that was pretty revealing, and i dont want her boobs to stick out in front of my father and FFIL...
I don't think she's acting weird and based on what you wrote, it sounds like either you're blowing stuff way out of proportion or else you left a lot of stuff out. I mean as far as the photographer goes, if you hired a professional they know what pictures you want and don't want taken and they aren't going to listen to people begging to take pictures of themselves. Also, you seriously don't want any pictures of your guests? We hired a photographer team that way we could have pictures of all the things we may have missed, like guests arriving to the ceremony and having a great tim when we aren't around.
Bimba, I think you should take a hard look at yourself. I mean, you sound jealous of your friend... why?
I want my BMs to look at their best. I don't want them to dress down because:
a) I don't care if they are more beautiful than me (as a matter of fact I am happy of having beauties in my bridal party!!!)
b) I would NEVER want them not to look at their best just to outdo them (because, well, I LOVE them!)
c) it's still MY wedding even if someone looks better than me.
i think u guys are getting this wrong! what i am trying to say is that she is really outgoing and she likes to have attentions...she loves to take pics of herself..at the shower she was asking evryone to take a long pic of herself cause she wanted to show off her dress(really?) to me this sounds annoying... and it really bothers me that she has to ask people to take pictures of her with my mother in law that she just met 1 hour before?!?!
and..im not making this up people..and i didnt leave any stuff behind...we are deinitely growing apart. it bothers me that she wore that dress at the bridal shower...it was too short and too tight and honestly i dont want to wear something like that to rehearsal..there are many other different ways to look good, u dont have to show off you legs and your boobs to look nice..
I don't think you're jealous, just you don't like how she acts - but honestly you have to let it go or really have a bad friendship breakup, I don't really see any other way to go. I had a girl at my wedding who I think got a picture with herself with almost every guest (with her own camera) - I donno, it wasn't that distracting, for her I understood a bit more since she was from a diff country so I didn't find it annoying but really the only way it will take away from your wedding is if you let it.
About the outfit, people have different tastes and you've got to let it go, you can't tell her what to wear. If it's too tight the well people will just think she has bad fashion sense but again it's one of those annoyances that the only way it's going to take away from any part of your wedding if you let it, and really an outfit shouldn't be that big of a deal. I think you're more concerned about your changing friendship than anything.
I don't know why it matters what her dress is showing.
You find her annoying and that's perfectly valid, so I'd suggest you not hang out with her much in the future or invite her to things. But she isn't doing anything wrong.
I wouldn't be irritated. I don't know if you're jealous. But you're definitely not doing a good job preserving this friendship by sending her that email. You could easily work around that by instructing the photographer. Her flaws are also not detrimental to you. It's just her fashion sense, her overly extroverted personality, and love of attention. These qualities are not uncommon in people in general. If you hate those qualities so much, then I expect that you don't want to be her friend.
But uou chose her as a BM for a reason. Everybody has flaws and friendship is to accept your friends for who they are and just focus on the good things. On a less important note, I also understand her desire to hang out w/ u if you're hanging out with ur FI's friends. It's just friends of friends. And general social events are how people get to know new friends. Unless it's like a personal event (e.g. showers, initmate b-day), there's nothing wrong with inviting her casually. Co-workers, however, are different from friends of friends. Professional relationship is not as easily transferred as general friendship.
If you say she's "always" been this way...then what's the problem? You knew that. You can't expect someone to change just because you're getting married. It sounds like you've grown apart which is a common friendship problem for 20somethings. In hindsight, knowing her the way you, you prolly shouldn't have asked her to be a BM, but that's a moot point now because you did. You're going to have to accept her as-is. As other's have stated, your photog is hired and being paid by YOU, speak with him about what you do and don't want him to photograph. For everything else, realize no matter what stunts anyone pulls the focus will always be on the B&G. Let her antics roll off your back and have a great time=)
i dont know what to say anymore... if i chose her as a BM its because i asked her over 2yrs ago when i got engaged and things then were way different! she was still in florida and we were really good frineds... honestly talking, i dont have that much fun with her anymore,sometimes she kinda annoyes me too...most of the times i dont answer to my phone when she calls, while back a few years ago we were on the phone all day... i am not a mean person so i dont want to give you all a bad impression, but im not gonna lie, sometimes i cant stand her... we dont have much stuff in common anymore, and i have changed big time...so i guess i see life in a different way...i dont know
PS - as MOH I showed up at my bff's shower last summer in a cute sundress, and she was in capris. Our family traditions of what showers were like were clearly totally different. I wasn't trying to upstage her - my mom & sister (and some of the guests) showed up in dresses too! Her mom & gramma were in shorts and tees.
Well It's a little late to do anything about it. You need to realize that this is the person she is. She loves attention and she loves her picture taken. Who doesn't? Honestly you need to let it go. You chose her as a BM and your wedding is a few weeks away. She's going to be there & you just need to be happy that your getting married. You need to accept her for who she is & it sounds like you need to stop dragging her around after the wedding. You obviously don't like anything about her beacuse you keep saying how annoying she is; so just let her go. Everyone grows apart and changes lifestyles. You've obviously done that. But that doesn't give you the right to resent everything about her. I think e-mailing her about the photographer was a little too far. I would have just spoke to the photographer about it and let it alone. I think you need to relax and stop worrying soo much about her. You keep saying how people aren't suppose to look better than you on "your day." You need to have more confidence in yourself. I don't really care how casual an event is; anyone can still rock a pair of capris with a little glitz. You shouldn't be jelous of what someone else wears or how they look. If you are than that's something you need to work out with yourself. Not them. Sounds like a little more jelousy then anything. JMO. Be confident in yourself and life is much easier!
twalila-yeah she has always been like that...and i was pretty much the same way, because i was around her all the time! but now everything is different..i miss the old times, i really do..but that was 5 yrs ago, i know it is not that long time ago, but to me it feels like! time changes and now i feel comfotable around different people, people that are in my same kind of life...she doesnt have astable job, she is single and she is always out party...totally not me.. i still like to go out but in a different way...
I have a friend who is a BM that we've sort of grown apart but you just need to realize you can't change people and you're stuck with her as a BM because you asked her too early in the process and that's on you. She is not going to sabotage your wedding. That's a bit overdramatic I'd say. If you are SO concerned about what she's wearing, I GUESS you could set a dress code but personally it would piss me off if some bride told me what I could and could not wear to her rehearsal dinner. You're allowed to set a basic dress code for your wedding, but the RD - that's overboard I think. And you really shouldn't be so concerned with what other people are doing/wearing - people are going to pay attention to the bride and groom no matter what anyone else is doing. I think you're getting worked up over nothing. The only thing is the photographer thing which could be solved by just telling him/her what shots you want. But you should have some shots of guests at your RD.
I just want to add that I know what it's like to have someone in your life that, everything they do just *irks* you. Luckily for me, I realized these people not only were stressing me out with all their little stuff, they were also just toxic in general and it was easier (on both sides, I'm sure! I'm not perfect!!) just to let the friendship slide away. Of course when I, on occasion, see these people (or rather this one person I'm specifically thinking of) we're are nice to each other and even manage to have a good time together! Probably because we're not sick of each other's company! So I can totally emphasize with you there. But, I also know that at that point when I was getting irratated with EVERYTHING they were doing (we were roommates at that point) I realized I was sometimes just finding things to annoy me, and it was a lot easier just to take a deep breath and let it go. As many have said, you are the photographer's client, so they will do want you ask them to, not what some other guest asks. As for everything else? Just try and laugh it off. Maybe she's doing it on purpose, maybe she's clueless...but just try to rise above it.
@bimba...I don't think anyone is trying to jump on you...I know I am not. It just seems like from what I have read that SHE hasn't changed...YOU have. There is nothing wrong with that...sometimes friendships grow apart. Sometimes the needs within friendships change.
Maybe you can no longer go out clubbing and drinking but you shouldn't totally cut her out of your life either. I understand you wanting to spend all of your spare time with your FI, but in order to do that, you have to neglect your other relationships. All relationships take work....including friendships. maybe figure out some things that the two of you can do together...that doesn't involve weddings.
demodreamer-you are right in some ways... im pretty confident with myself..the way i see it to me feels like she wants to be always in the center of the attention and it is not her special day...but mine... i still like her as a friend, but i dont know how to explain this... the less i see her and hear it is better for me so i dont get easily annoying with her....some days i really want to hang out with her and other days i dont...is this too bad! she was the one that few months ago told me that she doesnt feel me as a friend anymore just because i dont go out with her that much! really? i have friends that i dont see at all, but we talk all the time about everything and they are really good friends to me..
Hi Bimba,
From reading your post it sounds like you are stressed out. It doesn't sound like your friend is doing anything really mean or hurtful and she may be wondering why you are so irritated. I think you should make a spa date for yourself and relax then take another look at this situation.
Regarding the photographer:
You are paying him. He will do whatever you want - that is not a worry
Regarding your wedding:
You are the bride. No one can take that away from you. You will be the star of your wedding. Everyone is coming to see you and your fiance. No one else.
Take a couple of deep breaths, relax and get your self in a mood where you can enjoy your wedding experience!
i think you're trying to find reasons to be upset - you're assuming that she's going to hog your photographer on your wedding day. She probably won't, and i don't think it's very fair to be mad at her if she hasn't done anything yet. And there really isn't anything unusual about wearing a dress to a bridal shower. It's fine if you've changed priorities and you've grown apart, but it's not nice to judge your friend for how she is and seems to have been before when you were closer friends. Maybe you can go out of your way to spend time with her with an open mind and see how you feel. Just b/c it's not your preference to go clubbing, it might not be her preference to have a quiet night in. Meet in the middle - go out for happy hour and catch up.
soon2be--i wish i could relax...and take a day to go to a spa, but im pretty broke, and im working til the day before the rehearsal... i have family coming over and a frined from italy that i ahevnt seen in 6 yrs.the day after the wedding i just wanted to spend time with my parents and sisters and this BM and another one want to do stuff with me! i mean i understand they want to see me, but god knows when i will be able to see my family again! i cant be with everyone at the same time!i dont have time off bc im using it between wedding and honeymoon, so im talking about seeing my parents next june when my younger sister will be getting married! i know im getting stressed out for little and stupid things, but this is the way i am... to me little things are like huge problems lol
melissabegins-im not judging her, i know the way she is.. we try to do lunch sometimes or she come over my place sometimes..but...there is really not that much to talk about...we used to be everyday together because we used to work in the same place and we were out and about 4 nights a week(minimum), then i left to move here with FI..so we were apart for one year and when she finally moved a year later, everything was changed....
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ok, so...this really bothers me a lot! i have an issue with my BM(but she doesnt know) who also is a good friend, well we were best buddies and i think we both dont feel the same way because things have changed..yes, we are still really good friends but it is not the same cause we dont see eachother as much, like in the past(we both used to live in florida and work together) because i moved away from the city and i rather spend time with FI who i barely see and bc i am not interested in going out to the bars every other day..i mean im getting married soon and i take this pretty seriously! i love FI to death and he does so many things for me so the only way i can thank him back his cook for him and stuff like that! and she calls me"old lady" because i dont go out anymore and im alwasy at home...not to mention he is in night school so i have to take care of the house as of right now(yeah he helps me out a little, but i dont want to bother him since he is under exams at the moment),and she cant understand this..so long story short the wedding is coming up and i feel she can sabotage the bride! i dont know maybe it is just me, but it feels to me like everything needs to turn around her.. for example..i just had my bridal shower this past weekend and she came over to my place to get ready..when i saw her dress that she was going to wear, i was like "are u serious?' "it is a brunch, it is 90 degress outside and no one is dressing up! there are all old people"and she was like, well it is a bridal shower u are supposed to dress up..i was like, im wearing capris, a shirt and flats ur dress is too much for a brunch..she didnt care.. her dress was short and her boobs were sticking out so tight it was, i couldnt even zip it up(well she was bloated too) and then she wore 3 inches heels! i know she wants to be pretty, but it is supposed to be about me and i dont see why she had to wear a dress like that! (by the way, for the record, no one was dressed up!)now, im worried about rehearsal..what the hell she is going to wear i dont know...and also im wondering if she will drag all the attentions to her on the wedding day..she loves to take pictures all the time and im worried that she will be asking the photographer to take pic of her and such and such..i already wrote her a message telling her to do not bother the photographer to ask to take pic of her and stuff, cause we dont want posing pictures and the photographer knows what she has to do....isnt it supposed to be about me and FI??bride and groom? ok maybe im over reacting, but i can expect anything from her! maybe i was rude on the message cause she didnt answer me back, but i really dont want to have 500 pics of her and guests posing when it is supposed to be about me and FI! just to make u understand what kind of person she is, she met my FMIL for the first time at the bridal shower, and not even 1 hour into the shower she was already asking people to take pics of her with my FMIL! are u kidding me? i dont know, maybe im more reserved, and i would never approach people i just met like that, but seriously, it is just me or you think this is all normal???