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I received a shower invitation with an enclosed envelope that reads "in lieu of gifts, donations would be greatly appreciated". It was in the bride's handwriting and it's being held at her house, "hosted" by her FMIL. I was pretty sure that meant "bring cash for me", but thought maybe it was an inside joke I didn't get, or there really was a charity involved so I emailed her asking what charity the funds would be going to. She replied that she's "happily accepting donations to the John/Jane Smith wedding charity".
She's having a destination wedding that's already costing us thousands of dollars to attend, so I have a hard time seeing her cause as a "charity" case.
Would you go to this shower?
ETA: It's a family member of my husband's, not a close friend/family member of mine.
Regardless of the invite, I would go the shower if I had a close relationship with the bride. Since you are spending a lot of money to attend her destination wedding, I'm guessing you are closer to this woman. Even though the invite was tacky, I personally would probably attend.
@SapphireSun: First.....really? Im having trouble believing that someone would actually equate their wedding with a charity....quite tacky (and I RARELY ever use the T-word, but in this case its used because Im appauled someone would do something like that)
I had almost wished she was actually giving away to charity. I dont know how well you know her, but I personally would just give her a card and a small gift, especially if you are spending so much money on her already. I thought it was considered gauche to tell people to give you money/what kinds of gifts you should get them? Am I missing something?
Just WOW! A shower is to help set up a new home, not pay for her wedding! Unless I was a bridesmaid, I would probably skip it and send something off her registry.
I would get something off the registry. Sorry, but I'm not paying for your wedding!
If I was close, I would attend, but I would bring a gift for the home - just to be ornery!
Yeah, her mom called me three times before I even received the invite to remind me that her shower would be CASH ONLY; there is no registry. So my thought on this is to bring an (actually pretty, but I already have lots) pitcher that I won as a door prize at an event I attended with a cheque inside the box. If she donates it to the Sally Ann before she finds the money, sucks to be her.
Hm... I'd go but not give her money! Email her and ask if theres anything she needs for her home... lol If she says no then just give her a card.
OUCH!!!! I'm speechless, and that doesn't happen often. I agree with the bees above--there is no way I'm paying for your wedding at your shower!!! That being said, since it sounds like you are going to the wedding, going to the shower would be a nice thing to do. But I would definitely stick with the standard towels/sheets/etc that belong at showers.
P.S. I also find it in really poor taste when you see the registry is for excursions and experiences for the married couple on their honeymoon.
I think the calling/reminders were in poor taste. No one should be expected to bring a gift.
But I totally (and respectfully) disagree with the thought that shower/wedding gifts need to be things/things for a new home. Older couples or people who have been on their own (or living together) don't need most of the things that are on registries.
Personally I'd rather give cash that will help a couple have an experience (whether it's planning for a future and family, or even if it's making the honeymoon or wedding more comfortable financially) then buy them toaster tongs or a mini garlic grater.
I empathize with the difficult of letting people know that. I don't really understand how asking for things is ok, but asking for money that can go into a savings account or a vacation the couple couldn't afford otherwise is tacky.
Oh, I didn't answer the question. If she was my friend and wanted me at her wedding/shower and I was free, I'd go help her celebrate her special day.
If I was close to the bride, I still would go. If she was an aquaintance, I would skip it.
ugh - I think the mother's actions calling you 3 times to reinforce cash only is really tacky. Sure we could all use some additional cash, but be civil. She shouldnt have planned a destination wedding or any wedding if she couldnt afford it. And if her guests are paying alot just to travel to the wedding, she shouldnt expect gifts and or additional cash outlays. Sure, everyone will likely bring a gift, but she can't prescribe what that gift will be. I dont know what I would do. Maybe just to be b*tchy, I'd give her a gift card - it's kinda like cash right ;). Just make sure it's not a place that gives you cash for returns - like Nordstrom, etc. I don't know if you can win in this situation - they'd probably be annoyed if you don't go to the shower, sounds like they'd be annoyed if you show and don't bring cash, they'll probably be annoyed if you don't bring what they think is enough cash. The whole situation is tacky and tactless.
I would be highly offended and would do one of two thing: skip it entirely, or go and give one ugly gift.
I wouldn't "donate" any more than I would have spent for an actual gift.
after reading your updates, I wouldn't go. there's no way I'm encouraging that.
UNBELIEVABLE!!!! If they couldn't afford to have a DW, they should be marrying in town at the JoP. I would be ashamed to make such a request, especially when their guests are spending a lot to attend. I would probably go to the shower and bring a card with Monopoly $ inside!
@atalante: I think the difference is that the purpose of a shower is to help set up the maritial home. The purpose of the shower is NOT to finance their wedding.
If they already have all the things" they need, then they don't need a shower. If they still want a shower, they could have a theme, such as lingerie, wine, patio and backyard etc.
Well-
1st. Her calling was tacky.
2. I am having a destination wedding and in lieu of gifts we did a honeymoon registry where people could purchase excursions for us (like massages at the resort, zip lining, jet ski's etc.)
To answer your question, I think you should go and bring a gift for something they can do at the resort like my guests are doing. Like a previous poster said showers/parties aren't to finance the wedding but to provide little things to show your happiness in sharing the couples big day.
ya, i am put off by the "wedding charity" comment! thats pretty ridiculous. when i first read "in lieu of gifts". i didnt think it was bad since i have been to showers that say that, but when it is for a combined bigger gift. i went to a shower once where the mom hosted and said they will accept contributions for a larger gift. turned out to be a set of really nice dishes and we all got to see it at the shower what our contribution went towards. because i liked this idea, i did something similar for my shower. but we would never ask straight up for cash to pay for the wedding!
i would be more inclined to contribute cash for this couple if they hadnt said it was specifically for their wedding!
Well, while I agree it was tacky (especially the FMIL...), I just want to remind the Bees of this post:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/help-we-cant-pay-whats-owed-on-our-wedding
Try not to pass judgement too quickly and chalk it up to etiquette ignorance. Go and enjoy tthe party.
Ugh. Dare I throw out the "t" word?!
Regardless, I would probably still go just to save face but I WOULD NOT make a "donation". If you don't want to be the guest who blatenly goes against the brides wishes (i.e. strutting in with any kind of wrapped gift - for the record, I would totally be that person if I was invited to this shower) then I would pop a $25 or $50 gift card to Target or BB&B in a card and call it a day. You do not get to dictate what people give you as gifts and this chickadee needs to realize that.
I don't feel like there's anything wrong with wanting cash instead of gifts. I don't really get the comment that a shower is supposed to be for setting up their home.. okay, so maybe it is, traditionally, but that's not the type of shower they're having obviously. Their shower isn't for that purpose. It's their shower, so really they can do whatever they want. If I have a shower, it will definitely not be to "set up" my home.. we already have 2 or 3 of everything.
With that being said, I don't like the way this particular situation was done.. the calls/reminders seem very rude.
@MsFoxxy: In my opinion it's never okay to come out and ask for money, especially to fund your wedding. Guests money should not be going to that. If this person genuinely didn't want physical gifts then a honeymoon registry would have been the way to go. Sure, either way they'd be getting cash but atleast that way the guest *thinks* they're paying for a couples massage or jet-ski excursion.
@UpstateCait: I don't really have a problem with it.. at least they're being honest, LoL. If you don't like it, you don't have to participate. I wouldn't do it myself, but I'm not gonna knock someone else for doing it. The only problem I would have is if they were saying the gifts/money were for one thing, but it was really for something else.
@melisslp: lmao, that is hilarious. You could give them a Monopoly board game, and then they'd have their own "bank". Wonder if they'd catch on.... :)
@brenna1035: Such a sad story. If this is the case my heart goes out to her. But maybe the wedding should be trimmed down to just the basics then too. I would think if this is the case, SaphireSun would understand. After all, a destination wedding is pretty pricey for all involved. City hall has always been an option for those who want to get married, and a backyard bbq would be more affordable for the guests (as in, leaving more money for the gifts.) Every situation is different, but I think the constant following up for money is tacky.
I think respectfully declining this invitation is probably in your best interest. Expect similar behaviour closer to her wedding as well...
I've said it before but -- always assuming that I was anticipating a pleasant time socializing with other equally-apalled guests -- I would go, and pass over one of my folding informal notes, into which I would tuck a five-dollar bill and a note to the effect of "I had hoped to be able to give you the soup tureen to match your china pattern, but I have instead fallen in line with your request for cash".
Sophia-of-the-acid-tongue, who is reading over my shoulder and who shuns passive-aggressive behaviour in favour of bluntness, says she would go, and at the appropriate time, dig 17 cents out of her pocket and pass that over. This is an eighteen-year-old who routinely tips street-musicians a looney or a twoney; but she says the 17 cents is better because it jangles embarrassingly and looks like a random collection of pocket change.
lol, what is this? The mafia? 'Kindly make a donation or my mom will harrass you' and then what? Will she come to your house with a couple of flower girls to rough you up for some change?
reeee-diculous.
I say go and give her a gift card to a store you know she shops at. I do not think it is the most tasteful thing on her part however money gifts are becoming pretty common.
I wouldn't go. One could plead the case that if you were close, you should go to support her at her shower. However, considering she's looking at each of the guests as a dollar sign and not as a friend, that's where the tables turn.
Yeah, I think not attending at the last minute may be the best way to handle it. showing up with a noncash gift or just a car will likely start trouble whereas suddenly becoming "sick" is something they can only get so upset about and seems less personal
@KristenGotMarried: Agreed.
Awful.
Can someone explain to me what a money shower would look like?
"And here's another $50, but this time from Aunt Bea. Let's open another card!"
I find the logistics of this idea to be....ridiculous. Showers can already be so awkward...I can't imagine what this one would be like.
This is beyond the "T-word". It's rude.
If you are close enough to be attending the destination wedding, then my suggestion is to attend, buy an etiquette book - Emily Post perhaps - and find the section that explains why it's rude to mention gifts of ANY kind on an invitation, let alone outright ask for money, and use the CASH they've asked for (the amount is up to you, but I would be tempted to use Washington or Lincoln) to BOOKMARK it. If they are particularly dense, you could also take a highlighter to it.
Although, if you did this, you'd probably not have to worry about attending the wedding anymore.
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