Would you be able to work through this?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@WifeinDistress0214:   Personally, I could not work through that.  Dishonesty is a major issue, and drug use for me is an absolute dealbreaker.

I’m sorry you are going through that deception and I wish you strength and courage.  *HUGS*  

Post # 4
502 posts
Busy bee

It’s a huge lie, yes, but marriage comes with a promise to try to work through problems, and not just the easy ones. You haven’t even discussed your findings with him yet (or so it seems). To give up straightaway….are there other issues going on in the marriage?

Post # 5
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

As far as the lying–I’d be pissed. I’d be able to work through it, but I’d be PISSED. As far as the pot smoking…is it really that big of a deal? I mean did he used to get blitzed 24/7 or something? I smoke daily but very, very little and only to relax/help me sleep. Doesn’t make me a bad person. He was probably hiding it because he knew you’d freak. It’s not heroin, cut the guy some slack. 

Post # 6
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yes, a huge lie but something I think we would try to work through. People make mistakes and if he was willing to acknowledge his mistake and make amends then I don’t see why you couldn’t rebuild trust.

ETA – I don’t see the big deal about pot use so that obviously influences my comments on your situation

Post # 7
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@WifeinDistress0214:  Aside from the lying, how is his drug use immature and irresponsible? Has he stopped going to work? Does it affect his life or obligations in any way?

The lying is HUGE, but what are his motivations for smoking? 

Post # 8
3813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

@winstonchurchill:  +1, you definitely should try to work through this, or at least find out what his side of the story is first.

Post # 9
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I wouldn’t give up over this. I’m not saying it’s not a big deal, but addiction/family– this  is complex territory. You need to start the conversation; his response will be very important.

Post # 10
5905 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@WifeinDistress0214:  Could I forgive this?   Well….yeah, that’s what marriage is about.  Its a guarantee that sooner or later, you’re going to screw up, take each other for granted and general make a mess of things.

I get that the smoking pot issue is a big one for you, but I bet he doesn’t see it that way.  And instead of focusing on the fact that he lied to you about it, because lying is bad, but people don’t do it for no reason, I’d be much more concerned with the reasons behind him lying to you.

The fact is, you started a relationship with a man that liked to smoke pot, grew up smoking it and you knew that….he tried to change, probably for you and when he failed, he either was so ashamed, embarassed or scared to fess up to you about it that he decided to lie to you about it.

If this is the ONLY thing he’s ever lied to you about, and he’s generally a pretty good guy and you still love him and he loves you, this is totally fixable.



Post # 11
157 posts
Blushing bee

@WifeinDistress0214:  I think you can and should work through this. It sounds like he did stop more to please you than for himself, and the real deal would be that he stops for himself. Now that’s a whole other challenge.

Although we (men, women) come into a relationship and tend to dislike some aspects of a person, and hope to change them with time – it’s wrong and mostly, at least that’s my opinion, it’s impossible…

I have found that out in my own relationship with with fiancé. Don’t get me wrong, ppl do change, but not when they are trying to change for someone, they have to do it for themselves.

My advice would be that you confront him directly about it, don’t scare him off because this is not something you weren’t aware of coming into this relationship in the beginning, but you are right to be upset for the LYING part. And then, ask him if he WANTS to stop smoking, first. See what his answer is. If it is no, and that for you this is something you are NOT willing to tolerate in your daily life, move forward from there. If his answer is yes…then try to help him, my brothers had been quite hooked to weed for most of their teenage/early adult years and I have seen how it made them sloppy, slow, my brother had even lied to me once about taking my  debit card to withdraw money for groceries (we lived together) and I had caught him outside actually using the money for weed. Sometimes it is stronger than them because it is a drug, and they need help and MOTIVATION.

Sorry that was so long ! I hope it helps.

Post # 12
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Dealbreaker, for a couple of reasons for me. I don’t tolerate drug use. Given your background with him, maybe this is not the case for you. But the dishonesty is the main issue. He clearly cares more about pot than your feelings and his integrity. I’m so sorry you’re goung through this. 

Post # 13
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I’d be very upset about the lying, that is not acceptable.

However in regards to the pot smoking, I wouldn’t have a problem with it unless he was doing it 24/7, missing work etc.

Post # 14
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t negotiate with liars, so no I wouldn’t work through this. I’d sooner work through the pot “addiction” than try to trust a liar again. I don’t find people who are capable of lying attractive in any way.

Post # 15
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s a big lie, yes, but I would find it work-through-able, assuming he has the proper motivation to restore the broken trust.

Post # 16
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Would I divorce over this? No… at least not right away.

Like PP, I’d be very hurt and angry over the lying. The pot use itself I’d be on the fence on… I mean it is legal in some places and not a “hardcore” drug… but I still wouldn’t want anything like that in my home unless it was for medical reasons.

Marriage is about not jumping ship as soon as something like this comes up. Through thick and thin… marriage won’t always be easy.


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