Post # 1
I call my mom last night to see when she wanted to get together for mother’s day as I had to work today. She said she would like to meet at 7 pm. Great.
I get off work today, come home, go for a run, and when I get back I get a call from dad saying “Hey, just call me back. Wondering if S is coming tonight because I’m making dinner.Bye.” I call S. S says “Wellll, it is mother’s day so I SHOULD be spending time with MY mom, right?!?!?!?” So I told him then fine, whatever. He’s like “well just tell them how much time you spend with my parents.”
I’m so frustrated because this kind of bull shit happens all the time. He NEVER comes to my families house with me and while I understand why (my family is very judgement and religious and they downright make S uncomfortable. there have been a lot of hurt feelings back and forth) I feel like my parents are finally “trying” to reach out to S and have him come. My dad even made a comment the other week, “Is S going to start coming to family events seeing as you guys are getting married this year and he is now going to be part of the family?”
I know my family is tough to get along with. I really do. They make me pull my hair out all the time. But is it too much to ask to have him come once a month or so to see my family? I know that he has been really hurt by the mean things they have said to him, but if they know that he’s becoming part of the family this year and I think deep down want him at things don’t I have a right to be mad?
P.S. We live with his parents.
Post # 3
I get uncomfortable sometimes around FI’s parents, but I definitely make an effort to go visit them when we’re in town. I don’t spend as much time with them as with my family, but my family tends to plan more dinners/events/things to do where as his parents just expect us to come over and talk. Not that exciting. However, I think you definitely have a right to expect him to spend time with your family, especially since you’re getting married!
Post # 4
I would say you definitely have a right to feel anyway you want to. I would also be hurt. I think in my situation, it’s almost worse because FI’s family are Jehovah’s Witnesses so they don’t celebrate anything – so when he chooses them over my family on a holiday/mother’s day/birthday/etc it peeves the hell out of me. Not to mention, his family will purposefully plan things (family dinner on thanksgiving, but its not thanksgiving dinner!) and cause strain with us.
I would say that it’s totally normal to be upset, but at the same time, he’s got his family to be with too. Maybe from this point forward, you could hash out in advance – “okay father’s day, we can meet up with your family for brunch and then meet up with my family after lunch” or something along those lines?
Post # 5
@sorrycharlie:We do do that on the big holidays, generally speaking. But my family likes to ask both of us to come over like four hours before we need to be there and that’s it. Then they whine and complain that he’s not there the whole time I’m there. When I first moved out my parents didn’t like him because they thought he was “corrupting me”. Now they are just trying to get used to the idea that we are getting married.
I think the other reason I’m peeved is that we LIVE with his parents, so he and I see them all the time. This whole “I’m spending time with my mother” is nice, but also a huge excuse.
Post # 6
@SweetRose2011 I’m so sorry to hear about this! Having strained relationships with your own family is really tough, and ideally, your FI should be there to support you to the best of his ability. Clearly this is an issue for you, and I don’t imagine he’ll magically get better at spending time with your family once you get married unless you address this outright. I think it would be helpful to sit down and have an honest conversation with him, and I think you should be really clear about your expectations. This is key. So often, we have unspoken expectations that we assume our SOs just get. But they usually don’t, so it helps to make these expectations clear. If you have certain expectations about how much time you guys will spend with your side of the family, what types of family functions your FI should attend, etc., then tell him that. This will probably be a really productive conversation for you guys to have, and hopefully, you’ll figure out how you’ll handle spending time with both your families in a way that is agreeable to both of you.
Hope this helps! You definitely should not have to celebrate with your family alone. Your FI is your family now, and I hope that he can get that and start to make more of an effort. Keep us posted!
Post # 7
@SweetRose2011: oh sheesh – I didn’t know you guys lived with them! yeah that’s a lame excuse, then. we also live in our duplex with FI’s parents. I feel your pain…they liked to pretend its one giant house!
Post # 8
I don’t know– maybe you should talk to your FH about how this makes you feel. I can’t say how I would feel because I’m in a totally different situation.
You acknowledge that uour parents have said rude things and make your FH uncomfortable, so I don’t blame him for not wanting to go. Have they ever apologized to him for things they have said and done? That may go a long way and would give you a leg to stand on with your FH.
Also, I agree with another PP that you should hash these things out in advance. If your parents want to wait until the last second to invite you, then you should call them and see what they are thinking. I know I have to get geared up for special occasion sometimes and I would be annoyed if I got asked to do something last second. Waiting to the last second gives him an opportunity to decline the invitation. If he knows in advance that something is going on, he can prepare for it.
Did you think about doing anything for/ with his mother this year on Mother’s Day? You didn’t really mention anything. If not, I can also understand why he wouldn’t want to make an effort for your mom (especially given their relationship). For my FH and me, since we’re going to be married, I make an effort to plan something for his mom and my mom. We get them both gifts and make them both feel special. If you would’ve planned to have brunch with his family or something and then planned to have dinner with yours, your FH wouldn’t have any excuse not to go.
All that to say, in your situation, I can’t say I blame your FH for not going.
Post # 9
well, if they are judgmental and all that, no, i would not be annoyed at your fi even if you live with his parents. i’m sure his mom would rather he celebrate with them. ask him to dinner with your parents on a non-holiday day if you want him to spend more time with your family. if he’s been hurt by them before, then, yea, i understand how he’d rather spend a holiday with his family. sorry!
Post # 10
My inlaws are wonderful people but I am super shy and so I am uncomfortable around them. FI doesn’t have me attend more than the bare minimum- we stop by for desserts at holidays, attend birthday parties, and may occasionally stop by if we are in the area. On the other hand, we lived with my parents for a while and anytime my family gets together we usually attend or even go there randomly for dinner. That being said, we are both okay with this arrangement, he still sees his parents a lot without me and would let me know if there was an issue.
I think the most important thing is that you get on the same page. If it bothers you that isn’t coming, tell him that and ask him to attend tonight or if that isn’t possible to attend future events.
And like a PP said, if your family hasn’t apologized to him (or if he hasn’t apologized to them if he has said hurtful things to) that would be a good first step to mending their relationship and making it more comfortable for him.
Post # 11
It is MOTHERS day, not Mother in law day- so I kinda get where he is coming from.
Post # 12
my family is very judgement and religious and they downright make S uncomfortable. there have been a lot of hurt feelings back and forth
im in a similar position – i only ask my husband to join us for one dinner per year (moms birthday dinner at a restaraunt with family) and even then he is free to say no. i dont understand why you would want to push the issue – especially if they have been disrepectful to your FI in the past, just because you choose each other doesnt mean you have to love/like your familes, be polite yes but you are all adults and that means knowing that its ok not to like eachother
Post # 13
In the past i would ALWAYS basically force my SO to come with me to family events (this is things just like dinner or lunch) and then we would ALWAYS end up in a fight on the way home… ALWAYS!!!
Sooo… I tell him that i’m going to my mums for dinner… and if he feels like it he can come along, our relationship has been so much better.
My husband isn’t a social person so forcing him to things like this was just putting un-needed stress in the relationship.
Although… i did force him to come with me to my dads wedding because 1- i didn’t want to go alone and 2-neither of us wanted to go lol!
He married you… not your family, dont make him feel like he HAS to go and visit your parents, and even let your parents know this… say something like “he’s not a big family gathering person”
Post # 14
Yep, I’ve been there myself and completely feel for you. However, I’m also fully aware, in my case, the only thing between HIM and MY MOTHER is ME. He’s not too thrilled with my mother, but he DOES visit her and encourages me to visit her.
In fact, the only reason we went to his mother’s today was because I’d sorta said we were going and we had to pick up some dishes they gave us. And believe me, I didn’t feel like going ANYWHERE today. In fact, I even told him (not around his parents “I wanna go home” LOL). We stayed for maybe an hour.
I didn’t visit my mother despite the kids’ wanting to because I feel icky. They also live further away than his parents and I have an SUV (gas is currently 3.75… wanna guess the other reason I didn’t visit my mom?)
He’s ALWAYS going to his parents and doing stuff and I have to ask him to go to mine. (His mom also isn’t too fond of me, especially at the moment, but oh well. I ain’t marrying HER, I’m marrying my FI… his family’s just a bonus, lol.)
I’d say as long as he visits every so often, then it shouldn’t be a big deal. Also, you might want to casually mention that due to past experiences he’s not too big on visiting because of the fear of a repeat. If they ask what you’re talking about, bring up examples.
good luck and sorry you’re dealing with this!!!
Post # 15
To offer a different point of view, think of it this way: your family does not have the best relationship with him and when they finally DO show some interest in spending time with him, it’s on Mother’s Day. He really couldn’t win here- either he’d hurt his mom’s feelings by jumping on any invitation your parents extend to visit, or he hurts your feelings by choosing to spend time with his mom rather than the people he’s had a problematic relationship with in the past. In his mind, it was probably better to spend the day with his own mom (I’m inclined to agree) rather than in a situation with your family where things might or might not turn out well. Had it been another day or weekend he might have been more willing to go, but it was Mother’s Day, and I kind of think he’s in the right to spend it with his mom.
Post # 16
If you guys live with his parents, then I definitely think he should make more of an effort to see yours. We live in the same town as FI’s parents (mine are several hours away), and my parents are always a little jealous that we spend more time with the other set. I think it’s not setting up a great family dynamic if he avoids going over there.