Would you be comfortable with this? Disagreement with DH

posted 3 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If it’s just one night I’d just do it. If you’re really that uncomfortable just say you’ll go for the day hang out but have to get back home that night.

Post # 4
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@hollyberry4:  if it is a cultural thing, it may be customary to get to know members of the wedding party. I would ask if the room are staying in is seperate (basement or a decent distance) from the main family area. That would make it a little less awkward. You two should talk about it more, but personally I would probably just stay with the family…it is only one night.

Post # 5
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I don’t think it’s ridiculous, if you’re uncomfortable then you’re uncomfortable. I do know people like the Mom would would do that though 🙂 I’d say I’ll go, but put my foot down about the hotel. It’s not a waste of money if it makes you feel better. 

Post # 6
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@hollyberry4:  I am the same way- I don’t even really like staying with my fiance’s family, even though I like them very much. I’m just a big introvert and after a day of socializing, I want to have some time to decompress alone. I am never comfortable staying in someone else’s home unless it’s a family member/best friend I’ve been staying with since I was little.

That said, it is just one night, and since they sound very insistent on wanting to get to know you, refusing will be awkward. Try to look at the bright side; after spending the weekend with them, you’ll have many more people to talk to at the wedding and feel more comfortable seeing them in the future.

Post # 7
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think that’s super weird.  The groom’s mom wants to get to know the best man’s wife?  Odd.  The groom’s mom wants you to stay at her house?  REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.  I would most likely be really uncomfortable with this.  I would give DH 2 choices:  either you don’t spend the night, or you spend the night at a hotel.

Post # 8
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@hollyberry4: I think comparing Tom’s shower to yours is a logical fallacy — did you explicitly invite Tom’s FI? Offer to let them stay at your / your parents’ place? If not, that’s not a fair comparison. If you did explicitly invite them and offer to host them, I apologize for missing that context. 

In terms of what to do, explain to your FI why you’d be uncomfortable. My family is VERY much a EVERYONE’S invited type of family. We’ll host 20+ people at Christmas! While the offer to stay overnight is always extended, no one is offended if someone declines. If your FI wants to stay though and you don’t, it’s something the two of you need to work out. 

I personally would be happy to be included in everything, as long as I had the option to decline gracefully if I chose to do so. I think it’s really nice of the groom and his family to include you. For all the posts about +1, SO’s, FIs, DPs being excluded, it’s refreshing to hear of over-inclusion for a change. 

 

Post # 11
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think the reason behind the request is odd and I would feel uncomfortable, too.  If you guys were friends and they just wanted to hang out, or if they needed help with some wedding prep stuff, then ok, that could be fun and normal.  It almost sounds like you’re being tested/put on display somehow… what is it they need to know about you so badly beofre the wedding and why would that also require spending the night?  Do they live far away?  OP – if you feel comfortable, can you tell us why you think it’s cultural? 

Post # 12
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would probably just stay.. I know it’s weird, but it’s only a day.

I met my future in laws for the first time in 2012 – we all drove 4 hours to visit fi’s grandmother, and we stayed the night there. His grandmother lives with one of her sons [mind you, I had never met any of these people before, except for my fi! including his parents!], it was a really strange thing – staying at their house that night, and I didn’t sleep super well, but my fi was super excited and it was people he cared about, so I got through it.

If you absolutely feel that you can’t do it, I would just rent a hotel, then. Stay real late and then go sleep at the hotel that night.

Post # 14
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t think it’s that big of a deal but I’m outgoing. What if you offer to pay for the hotel? 

ETA sorry I just realized you’re married. 

Post # 15
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@hollyberry4: It might be a cultural thing. My dad wanted to know all the SOs of my girlfriends because he was CONVINCED I’d end up with a guy like theirs. Sigh. And I’ve wanted to get to know people’s SOs because it gave me more context as to who they are / why they are so happy. 

So some of it could just be reconnecting with the special people in her son’s life, and including you to get more context / insight as well as make sure you’re comfortable. Given the logistical challenges, I can understand why it’s annoying. Only you and DH can figure out what’s best for you. 

My FI is super introverted and my family gatherings EXHAUST him. I feel bad because he gets so tired, but I also rarely see my family (we’re in 5 different states / 6 different cities) so it’s tough for me to leave once I get there. 

Talk to FI. Is it in an area with lots of hotels? Hotel Tonight has lots of last minute hotels at a discount & if you ping me, I can hook you up with a $25 promo code when you sign up. I don’t work for them, just love the app for last minute trips. Maybe once you show him what kind of budget a hotel room would require, he’ll be more open. 

Frankly, I’d be more annoyed DH isn’t hearing my feelings and needs 😉

 

Post # 16
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@hollyberry4:  I wonder if they’re using some of the traditions from their culture, as opposed to doing a full on traditional wedding.  Maybe the tradition that would involove you is one they are wanting to include?  If your SO knows them and they’re good people, then it might not be so bad to go and it’s possible that they are insisting you stay over to be polite because it’s pretty far.  Maybe they’re trying to include you and want to get to know you, which is really sweet, even if it seems a little strange.  Would your SO be willing to compromise by going there, but not staying the night?  I know it’s a long drive, but if you’re uncomfortable, that should be taken into consideration.  You can have “plans” for the next morning that would prevent you from being able to stay.  I totally understand!  I hate not going home to my own bed! 

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