Post # 1
Here’s the situation:
DH is the best man in his buddy’s wedding in a few months (let’s call him Tom). I know Tom and we are also friends. DH and I have met his fiance a few times but do not know her very well.
Tom’s fiance sent me a facebook message to tell me I am invited to her bridal shower where they live (3 hours from where we live). Apparently Tom’s mom has also been asking for us to come up and visit them because his mom wants to get to know both of us before the wedding (?? I think It’s a cultural thing). DH has met Tom’s mom once or twice, but I have not.
So, Tom said that we should just come up for the shower (which is on a Sunday) and we can also meet/spend some time with his mom. Okay, fine.
But here’s the thing, Tom invited us to stay at his house (he still lives at home with his parents) on Saturday night to get to know the family before the shower on Sunday. DH is all for it. Honestly, I am uncomfortable. I don’t like staying over at people’s houses that I don’t know. I’m always the one who would rather go home than crash at someone’s place. It would be different if it was just Tom’s place, but it’s his parent’s house, who I have never met.
I told DH I would rather either get a hotel room or just go up for the day on Sunday, but he does not want to spend the money. He feels like I am being ridiculous and unreasonable, and not being supportive of our friends.
When Tom came to our shower he drove down just for the day, and his fiance did not attend.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and stay at Tom’s family’s house? I know one night won’t kill me, but I really just don’t fell comfortable. I’m also confused why Tom’s mom is so insistent that she wants to get to know me.
Post # 3
If it’s just one night I’d just do it. If you’re really that uncomfortable just say you’ll go for the day hang out but have to get back home that night.
Post # 4
@hollyberry4: if it is a cultural thing, it may be customary to get to know members of the wedding party. I would ask if the room are staying in is seperate (basement or a decent distance) from the main family area. That would make it a little less awkward. You two should talk about it more, but personally I would probably just stay with the family…it is only one night.
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s ridiculous, if you’re uncomfortable then you’re uncomfortable. I do know people like the Mom would would do that though 🙂 I’d say I’ll go, but put my foot down about the hotel. It’s not a waste of money if it makes you feel better.
Post # 6
@hollyberry4: I am the same way- I don’t even really like staying with my fiance’s family, even though I like them very much. I’m just a big introvert and after a day of socializing, I want to have some time to decompress alone. I am never comfortable staying in someone else’s home unless it’s a family member/best friend I’ve been staying with since I was little.
That said, it is just one night, and since they sound very insistent on wanting to get to know you, refusing will be awkward. Try to look at the bright side; after spending the weekend with them, you’ll have many more people to talk to at the wedding and feel more comfortable seeing them in the future.
Post # 7
I think that’s super weird. The groom’s mom wants to get to know the best man’s wife? Odd. The groom’s mom wants you to stay at her house? REALLY FUCKING WEIRD. I would most likely be really uncomfortable with this. I would give DH 2 choices: either you don’t spend the night, or you spend the night at a hotel.
Post # 8
@hollyberry4: I think comparing Tom’s shower to yours is a logical fallacy — did you explicitly invite Tom’s FI? Offer to let them stay at your / your parents’ place? If not, that’s not a fair comparison. If you did explicitly invite them and offer to host them, I apologize for missing that context.
In terms of what to do, explain to your FI why you’d be uncomfortable. My family is VERY much a EVERYONE’S invited type of family. We’ll host 20+ people at Christmas! While the offer to stay overnight is always extended, no one is offended if someone declines. If your FI wants to stay though and you don’t, it’s something the two of you need to work out.
I personally would be happy to be included in everything, as long as I had the option to decline gracefully if I chose to do so. I think it’s really nice of the groom and his family to include you. For all the posts about +1, SO’s, FIs, DPs being excluded, it’s refreshing to hear of over-inclusion for a change.
Post # 9
@oneofthesethings: haha thank you! I don’t entirely get it either! She is insistent but I don’t understand why!!!! I’m not part of the bridal party or wedding in any way. I think it is a cultural thing. I’m willing to stay after the shower Sunday to meet for dinner or something so I think we are gping to try to make that work.
Post # 10
@bitsybee: That is true. They sound like very nice people. I have no issues getting together for a dinner, etc. We actually were supposed to go to their place for a dinner as a “get to know you” a couple months ago but they had to cancel the day before. Since then she has been wanting us to make a special trip up to see them, but I just don’t understand why it is so important that she she meet me before the wedding. And I will be at the shower with her so I don’t understand why that is not enough time.
Post # 11
I think the reason behind the request is odd and I would feel uncomfortable, too. If you guys were friends and they just wanted to hang out, or if they needed help with some wedding prep stuff, then ok, that could be fun and normal. It almost sounds like you’re being tested/put on display somehow… what is it they need to know about you so badly beofre the wedding and why would that also require spending the night? Do they live far away? OP – if you feel comfortable, can you tell us why you think it’s cultural?
Post # 12
I would probably just stay.. I know it’s weird, but it’s only a day.
I met my future in laws for the first time in 2012 – we all drove 4 hours to visit fi’s grandmother, and we stayed the night there. His grandmother lives with one of her sons [mind you, I had never met any of these people before, except for my fi! including his parents!], it was a really strange thing – staying at their house that night, and I didn’t sleep super well, but my fi was super excited and it was people he cared about, so I got through it.
If you absolutely feel that you can’t do it, I would just rent a hotel, then. Stay real late and then go sleep at the hotel that night.
Post # 13
@hushbee1: they live about 3.5 hours away. His family is Albanian and the whole wedding planning (from Tom’s report) has been insane because there are lots of traditions they are expected to include. Also apparently traditionally the spouse of the best man holds a part in the wedding ceremony, but Tom and his fiancé have decided to go for a more modern ceremony than the traditional Albanian one. I think this is where the request is stemming from but I truly do not understand it because no one has explained it to me.
Post # 14
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal but I’m outgoing. What if you offer to pay for the hotel?
ETA sorry I just realized you’re married.
Post # 15
@hollyberry4: It might be a cultural thing. My dad wanted to know all the SOs of my girlfriends because he was CONVINCED I’d end up with a guy like theirs. Sigh. And I’ve wanted to get to know people’s SOs because it gave me more context as to who they are / why they are so happy.
So some of it could just be reconnecting with the special people in her son’s life, and including you to get more context / insight as well as make sure you’re comfortable. Given the logistical challenges, I can understand why it’s annoying. Only you and DH can figure out what’s best for you.
My FI is super introverted and my family gatherings EXHAUST him. I feel bad because he gets so tired, but I also rarely see my family (we’re in 5 different states / 6 different cities) so it’s tough for me to leave once I get there.
Talk to FI. Is it in an area with lots of hotels? Hotel Tonight has lots of last minute hotels at a discount & if you ping me, I can hook you up with a $25 promo code when you sign up. I don’t work for them, just love the app for last minute trips. Maybe once you show him what kind of budget a hotel room would require, he’ll be more open.
Frankly, I’d be more annoyed DH isn’t hearing my feelings and needs 😉
Post # 16
@hollyberry4: I wonder if they’re using some of the traditions from their culture, as opposed to doing a full on traditional wedding. Maybe the tradition that would involove you is one they are wanting to include? If your SO knows them and they’re good people, then it might not be so bad to go and it’s possible that they are insisting you stay over to be polite because it’s pretty far. Maybe they’re trying to include you and want to get to know you, which is really sweet, even if it seems a little strange. Would your SO be willing to compromise by going there, but not staying the night? I know it’s a long drive, but if you’re uncomfortable, that should be taken into consideration. You can have “plans” for the next morning that would prevent you from being able to stay. I totally understand! I hate not going home to my own bed!