(Closed) Would you be hurt if your FMIL ignored you asking if she had something old?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

That’s bizarre. When you say ‘ignore’, do you mean she shuffled around it and changed the topic or there was just dead silence? If it was the first then maybe she genuinely got sidetracked and forgot about your question. If she clearly didn’t respond then I would take it to mean it’s not something she wants to do, for whatever reason. Probably nothing to do with you, who knows, maybe she doesn’t think a ‘new’ picture would qualify as ‘something old’. One thing I’m finding is that people feel strongly about all sorts of peculiar little things when it comes to weddings.

Post # 4
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

Yeah, that’s very odd…do you think your fiance would be willing to bring this up with her? It may be that she just spaced out, or it may be something else that she wouldn’t be comfortable talking to you about. I guess I wouldn’t be hurt if she is otherwise very welcoming of you but I would certainly be perplexed!

Post # 5
Bee
13843 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

I would feel hurt if something like this happened to me.  However, I agree you should ask your fiance to ask her about it. 

Post # 6
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Does she have daughters? Maybe she was saving those things for them and she doesn’t know how to tell you? Maybe she doesn’t have anything old either and is bummed? I wouldn’t get upset until you figure out the backstory. You seem to have a good relationship with her, so maybe just ask her? Good Luck.

Post # 7
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It sounds like maybe she is just not into the idea of being your "something old" — especially since you asked for mementos from her own wedding day.  I know my mom hates to think that she is getting "old" (every birthday, she likes to joke that she is only turning 29 or 36 or something) and I think she wouldn’t want to be associated with the "something old" (which I tend to think of as being something from your grandparents’ era).  

Does your FMIL know why you didn’t ask your own family?  Maybe she thinks you are somehow implying that she’s older than your mom, and she is sensitive about that.

Are any of your grandparents (or your FI’s grandparents) still around?  Maybe you should try asking about stuff from grandparents’ weddings and see if she reacts differently.

Post # 8
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Maybe it’s just that she doesn’t want you to cut up one of her wedding photos to fit it in a locket?  That would be my concern if I were her. 

I think my something old is going to be a necklace my FI gave me, the first piece of jewelry he ever gave me and something I wear nearly everyday.  It’s not quite "heirloom quality" but it’s still special to me and indicative of how far our relationship has come.  In your situation, maybe something only slightly old, but special to you as a couple would be best.  

Post # 9
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Lots of good thoughts.  Also, for something old, were you thinking old and borrowed?  I’m wondering if she was thinking you are asking her to "give" you something of hers.

Is it possible, despite FI’s parents still being married, there issomething about their wedding, that FMIL isn’t fond of/doesn’t like to think about???  Or maybe they aren’t heirloom people.  Or maybe she had some heirlooms, but FFIL accidentally sold them in a garage sale, or your FI dumped them down the garbage disposal when he was 7.

I’m also wondering if she has daughters she was planning on giving her heirlooms to.

I would feel hurt too.  I think asking your Fi about it would be good place to start.

Post # 10
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think it might also be a small bit of the ‘something old’ request.  My mother and father were married almost 25 years ago, so a good period before I was born (I’m almost 23).  She offered me her wedding earrings as a something borrowed and blue.  I considered it something old, but she didn’t.  Maybe it’s just that.

Post # 12
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

That’s really odd… I’d be hurt, too. I think lc80’s right, though – people are weird about totally random things that make sense to no one else (especially emotional things, like weddings). Surely there’s a reason she’s changing the subject on you, but it might not be one we’d guess… it probably has nothing to do with you.

 

Definitely ask the grandmother! Best to wear something enthusiastically given from the heart, right?  🙂

Post # 13
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think if she intentionally didn’t respond, she obviously wasn’t comfortable saying something to you directly.  Maybe because there were other people around? Or for any one of a number of reasons.  If you think you can just chalk it up to you don’t know why, but you know that she likes you I would let it go.  But if you still feel badly about it, I would take the others’ advice to have your fiance approach her and explain that you meant to honor her by asking, so that she knows what it meant to you.

 

Good luck!

 

 

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