Post # 1
My SO and I got into an argument a while ago and I just remembered that it had happened. Thinking back on it still kind of bugs me and I thought I’d get some bee’s opinions.
See, when we get married, I’m going to take his last name. Besides it basically being a given, it makes sense. I like his name more than mine and his family is nicer, too. I have no reason to keep my last name, seeing as to how I haven’t made any accomplishments to which it is tagged.
But I wondered, out of curiosity if he would ever take mine. When I asked him he was very insulted. He insisted that I should take his name, not even with hyphenations and said it was a dealbreaker sort of situation.
This made me really angry. I felt as though he didn’t care what I wanted in the matter and was using his last name as a sort of tool to feel as though he was the “power” of the family. I may be a little overreacting, as this is how the structure is at my house, with my mom always waiting on my dad like a maid. My SO hasn’t shown a lot of other signs like this, though.
My question is, how would you feel about this situation? He says he wants to carry on his name and that he has “family pride” so he could never give it up. But he has two other brothers and a male cousin so the name will surely not die.
Post # 3
Hmmmm… I don’t see it as so much as a “power” thing but more like one of those manhood things. A lot of men probably see taking your wife’s name as humiliating and not very masculine. He just didn’t want to say that…. I don’t think I would take it personally, but then I did not like my maiden name at all and did not feel particulary attached to it. I know a lot women do keep their names now which is great, but I don’t feel that strongly about it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@awndrayuhh: I would definitely be offended!! It’s a complete double standard that you take his name, but he wouldn’t even consider taking yours!
Plus him saying it would be a deal breaker?! I can’t even go there…. *rage!!*
Post # 5
@awndrayuhh: I understand where you are coming from, my fiance feels very much the same way. I do however, have my own business associated with my name and I will be 30 years old when we get married next fall so I feel like the older I get the more I would like to consider keeping my last name.
I honestly wouldn’t let it bother you unless you felt really strongly about keeping your own name. I am planning to make my maiden name my 2nd middle name, and take his last as a compromise since I thought about keeping my last name. Yes, it’s a double standard and it seems unfair but it’s one of the very few things in our life that he won’t budge on. I also like the unifying idea of us having the same last name, and that of my future babies as well.
I tease him about it every now and then to get under his skin, but at the end of the day I *want* to be Mrs. CoCo Hislastname.
Post # 6
If it doesn’t bother you, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it and argue about it if you plan on taking his name. Society says a woman needs to take a man’s last name. so that’s what everyone has embedded in their heads. Blame society, not him.
Post # 7
I agree that it would be emasculating to insist he take your name particularly since it’s not a standard in our society.
I think you need to let it go.
Post # 8
FI’s mother hyphenated and I plan on doing to same. During our discussion of that he too said it would be a dealbreaker if I didn’t want to take his name, but he had an interesting perspective on it. He told me that in the same way that little girls dream about having a wedding, he’s always dreamed that his wife would take his name. For him it wouldn’t be the marriage of his dreams if I didn’t take his name. He’s really happy that I’m going to hyphenate. He feels like it is a good compromise.
Post # 9
I would be upset if he brought it up so negatively. He didn’t have to act like that, especially since you plan on taking his name, and were just asking for shits and gigs. A dealbreaker? Words like that should never come out! Tell him that was uncalled for and made you upset! I always call my fiance “Steven DeFalco” – which is my last name. He laughs and says, “No, I am a MACE! and you are a MACE! I kill off the DeFalco line!” And jokes about it, which is fine by me. It is a society thing, like another person said. Don’t get too worked up about it, and if it bothers you how he approached it, just tell him you didn’t like his reaction to a random question.
Post # 10
Since this is a non-issue & just a hypothetical question, you shouldn’t worry about it. Why create an argument when you’ve already decided you’re happy to take his name?
(I kept my own name & would be veyr upset if my husband didn’t approve of my decision, but that’s not your situation…)
Post # 11
I would be very offended. My SO knows I won’t be taking his name for the same reasons that he wouldn’t take mine. Our names are ours and I don’t see the need for one partner to take the other’s name. He did say that he has no problem with our kids having my last name but I’m not sure about that yet. I think I’d rather our kids have both our names.
Edit: PP’s are right in saying that it might not be a hill you want to die on since you plan on changing either way. that said, I would want to get to the root of why taking your name was so insulting.
Post # 12
I would not be insulted. I wouldn’t expect ANY man to willing take their wives last name.
Post # 13
Taking your husband’s name is probably a source of pride and a rite of passage for him. I know that a lot of bee’s have differing opinions on this issue and I always feel that everyone has to do what works for them.
For me, it was about nodding to the old ways and our ancetors, becoming one unit with the same name, and acknowledging that Mr. 99 is the head of our family. That does not mean I wait on him hand & foot, defer all decisions to his ever baffling male intellect or bow down to his whims at any point in time….
But if The Bad Man showed up in our house armed to the teeth and ready to crazy murder us in our beds, Mr. 99 would dash into the fray to protect us, he would sacrifice to feed us, and die to save us, in my mind, me taking his name honors that grace and love that his gives me, it respects him for all of those things he does and would happily do, should I ever need.
Post # 14
I guess it depends how you brought it up. If you had previously said you were taking his name and then brought up him taking yours in a serious way I could see how he would be suprised and react poorly. If you said it in a more casual hypothetical way then he way overeacted.
In the end if this is something you don’t really care about I’d let it go. No use fighting over a non-issue. You say he doesn’t show other signs of power type things, so it’s probably nothing.
Post # 15
@AmyFarrahFowler: lol I read everything you post in Amy farrah fowler’s voice. Anyway! would you mind explaining why, please? I get that some people think it’s emasculating but I would hope that my partner would be secure enough in his masculinity to not feel threatened by the idea of taking his wife’s name. It just doesn’t make much sense to me.
Post # 16
Yes, I would absolutely be insulted if my FI treated the idea of taking my last name that disrespectfully.
My guy is actually considering taking my last name, though.