Post # 1
There is a girl who is occasionally at some parties FH and I attend. She is FH’s type. They often talk for a while. FH is not much of a group person and has mostly female friends; usually at parties he has a few one-on-one conversations so this isn’t odd for FH. The thing that bothers me is I have a bad vibe with her. While she has never done anything mean to me, she has never made any effort to get to know me. I feel like it’s girl code that if I am talking to a taken guy for a while, I at least try to include his SO and be friendly- she doesn’t. She is interested in EVERYTHING that FH is- possible but unlikely. Then today we were talking about a friend of ours who we are surprised is still single, and he mentioned this girl and that she is attractive. She is NOT attractive, and I am not saying this from bias at all. It really bothered me that he thinks she is. He is making plans to go to lunch with her (he has an easy workweek which is rare, so he is trying to catch up with as many friends as possible. He has not hidden the lunch plans from me at all. I am confident he wouldn’t do anything sexual at all, but his interactions with female friends are friendlier than I am with my male friends. Am I overreacting?
Post # 3
i wouldn’t worry about it. you said he’s not hiding anything from you. but if you don’t feel comfortable with their relationship, why don’t you talk to him about it?
Post # 4
Mr. KM has alot of friends that are girls, including one he has a weekly bar outing with. But she knows me, I know her, and we’re friends on Facebook and comment on eachothers statuses and stuff. She had a crush on him one time but got over that when he didn’t want to date her. Are you trying to tell him that he shouldn’t go cause it would make you mad? Or… what?
As for girl code… there isn’t really a girl code. Cause if there way, some girls wouldn’t try to steal other girl’s boyfriends. Or be catty. Just saying.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s not hiding anything from you. If it makes you uncomfortable you should talk to him, but you’ve said he has a lot of female friends so it seems like he’s just one of those guys who gets along well with girls. To me, that’s a good thing in a way.
Also, just because your interactions with your male friends are different than his doesn’t mean he is wrong, or that you should expect him to behave like you do. We all relate to friends of the opposite sex differently. I would only worry if you think he’s being disrespectful of your relationship, which it doesn’t sound like he is.
FWIW, my sweetie’s BFF is a girl. A smoking HOT girl who is awesome. I don’t let it bother me and really focus on the fact that we’re in love. They are friends. Nothing more.
Post # 6
I agree that you probably have nothing to worry about, but if I were in your shoes I would be jealous too. I am a jealous person and have dealt with a similar scenario. Just talk to your FH….maybe he doesnt realize how you feel? OR what about you trying to make an effort with getting to know this girl, maybe it would make you feel better if you were closer to her. Why dont you ask her to grab coffee or go to a movie? And if she declines you could tell your FH and discuss how youre feeling.
Post # 7
You know, I understand what you’re saying about this girl not giving you the time of day, but hanging on the FI. It’s kind of like, if you’re at a party talking to people you don’t know that well, you don’t want to give (either the guy or hisgirl) the “wrong impression”, like you’re flirting or something. However, some people aren’tas scoailly graceful as others. Maybe she really has a hard time talking with girls or something else that makes her somewhat shy. I like the suggestion about you making an effort to talk to her. How about even just starting a conversation at a party? It will do a couple of things. First, it might dispell any anxst you’re feeling. Second, you, she or both of you might actually become friends. Third, if she was perhaps having inappropriate intentions towards Fi, she might be less likely to pursue them if she gets to know you and finds that you’re a real person, and that you and Fi are actually a wonderful happy couple…. “I don’t have a chance.”
Post # 8
I wouldnt be jealous at all since you do have the ring (here it comes) BUT.. personally I am not comfortable with my BF going out with another chick alone. My BF and I both agreed to each other (not boundries but a respect thing) neither of us would go out with someone of the opposite sex alone. His ex who he was still friends with when we first started dating asked him to go out for coffee. My BF said he would go if it was her and her mother, but not if it was her.. They are no longer friends because of her persistance and other stuff she has done, but I totally respect him 100x more for making that decision on his own. Why dont you ask you FH if it would be ok if you came along with them?
Post # 9
I guess I’m weirdly possessive, but I wouldn’t like R going out with another girl alone for a lunch or something, unless it was a special circumstance or in a group. We don’t have set limits, but we do talk to each other about what makes us uncomfortable to know what the other person’s limits are.
I would just be honest about your feelings in a kind way. Obviously tell him everything you told us (like how you appreciate how up-front he’s been, and how you feel this girl doesn’t want to get to know you at all.) In my experience, it’s a lot less awkward in opposite sex friendships when everyone gets to know each other.
Post # 10
Strangely enough, my answer depends on whether your FH was friends with this girl before he met you. My DH has female friends he has known since before we were together – girls he has no romantic or sexual history with, just friends. I don’t have a problem with him maintaining those relationships – I do like to be involved occasionally and I would expect him to let me know if he’s meeting one for lunch or whatever, but in general those are his friends and I don’t think that needs to change just because I’m in the picture. However I don’t think I’d feel that way with a female friend he met while we were together. In my experience you just don’t form the same friendship bond with the opposite sex if you are already in a relationship and I would expect different boundaries there, including by being invited along more often. If you have a problem in general with how your FH conducts his friendships with other women then I think that is worth addressing, particularly if you can pinpoint certain actions or behaviours that bother you. As a couple you are allowed to have rules and expectations, just as long as they’re communicated well. You are also allowed to change the rules if need be, e.g. a new female friend might come on the scene who rubs you the wrong way, so she might need her own special rules 🙂
Post # 11
It’s always a good sign when he clues you in on plans. Maybe the next time you can invite yourself along and see how he reacts?
Post # 12
The good thing is that he isnt hiding anything from you. But if it was reversed would he be ok with it? I would be jealous too honestly, we both have made rules when we first met and we are best friends now. If he was hanging around with another girl, I would totally be hurt because he really should be spending all his free time with me as he would want me to do with him
Post # 13
I don’t think you have anything to worry about, but it would REALLY bother me if I were in your shoes! Can you just talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel?
Post # 14
Yes. I’d be jealous. Matter of fact, I had something similar with a girl who was friends with FH before I met him. The difference was, he’d get a phone call from her in the middle of the day and she’d invite him for coffee (which then she’d make him pay for) and he wouldn’t tell me. Oh, and then she’d kiss him goodbye. It drove me mental when I found that out. When I found out I explained to him why I felt jealous and uncomfortable with it and he listened and then made a decision on his own about what he wanted to do about it. FH’s decision was to stop seeing her without having made plans in advance and he didn’t want to see her without me.
So my advice is to talk to your FH about it. Just explain that this girl makes you feel uncomfortable and then give him a few examples why. If he’s at least telling you that he’s going out to meet this girl for lunch alone I think he deserves that much from you rather than silent resentment towards the girl – cause guys can pick up on that too.
Post # 15
@MountainBride: I totally agree with you about whether they were friends before or after. My SO’s BFF is a girl and I’m totally fine with that, they hang out alone, and I have no issues, but if they met now and started hanging out alone all the time I don’t think I would be okay with it.
Post # 16
I would be jealous. I have had a very similar situation where one of my FI’s female friends would also make no effort to include me in converstations, ect even to the point where it appeared that she had an alternative motive, turns out I was correct in my gut instinct. Personally, a lunch alone with this girl would not be okay with me. I would ask if I could go along and express my ‘desire’ (for lack of better word) to meet her since she is a good friend of his. If he is not okay with this, it would be a good time to bring up your discomfort, but if he is fine with it, go along and get to know her, and maybe it will help lessen the future jealousy with their interatction.