Would you be mad? Porn topic…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Jav4491:  Just a warning, your going to get people telling you it’s normal, all men look at porn, get over it rah rah rah. 

Ignore them.

At the end of the day, you have set a boundry in your relationship and asked him not to. He should respect that and YOU enough to stop.

It’s not too much to ask, my FI doesn’t watch porn (admittedly he very rarely did even before we dated and he was the one who told me he he didn’t think it was appropriate to in a relationship/didn’t feel the need). So obviously, not ALL men watch porn.

I think the two most worrying things are the looking at plastic surgery sites + the anorexically skinny/ large chest statement. It sounds like what he finds attractive isn’t natural or healthy.

You have every right to be mad, he lied to you.

Post # 4
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Jav4491:  to each their own– Im not comfortable with my husband looking at porn. He’s not comfortable with me looking at porn either. 

You don’t need to feel bad about your feelings; if it makes you feel insecure about your body/relationship I don’t think it’s healthy for the two of you.  You shouldnt feel like you HAVE to accept it… especially after he promises to stop. That just crosses into trust issues. 

Post # 5
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Jav4491:  i have had this problem before…my FI told me he would stop but there were 2 times i found it on the computer after he said he stopped..im sure he looks at it on his phone and i just dont know about it…I have learned to deal with it and just block it out of my mind…if he does watch it I dont know it. I am very self concious as well and it always bothered me but I just kind of dont think about it…you have to either dont think about it, accept it, or watch with him. I have considered watching it with my FI but if he gets hard to some other woman on tv I know its gonna make me upset..men will be men though…guess I’m not the right person to give advice sry..hope it works out

Post # 6
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think “all men look at porn”. A lot do though, clearly,  or there would be no industry.

I don’t think either of you are wrong persay, but you are approaching this in a way that creates a vicious cycle. He looks at porn. You get mad. He says he will stop so you don’t get mad. Only he doesn’t actually want to stop, so he gets a little sneakier about it. You eventually catch him and get mad, and so it begins.

I don’t think he should lie to you. I also don’t think you have the right to tell him he can’t do something.

What I would suggest is a rational conversation where you work towards a compromise. He needs to respect how you feel, but you need to do the same for him.

Post # 7
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@MsChandler:  +1

 

@Jav4491:  there’s something wrong. He might need therapy- I’m saying this because he might have an obsession with weight and looking at these really thin women arouses something in him. I find it extremely odd that he was looking at “plastic surgery porn” which is why I think it’s more than just having a problem with porn. I’m not sure- just a thought.  I’m sorry about your situation.  Don’t let his issues make you feel inferior. 

Post # 8
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Jav4491: Okay so let me tell you a bit of me and DHs story. I used to watch porn and have to say that I run our sex life. Now you will have people tell you it is normal to look at porn and in honesty, I agree. However nobody NEEDS to look at porn and any one that tells you they do is just too selfish to give it up. 

My DH was uncomfortable with me watching porn and I can admit to messing up once at the beginning. DH sat me down and told me his thoughts about it so maybe you need to do the same. 

At the end of the day my DH is more important to me than a quick squirt. If I am seriously horny then I can grab my body pillow and his picture or even a quick shower with a good dose of imagination works just fine. You FI does NOT need porn and you need to talk to him about this but be prepared to understand that you may not like his reaction.

Porn is part of sex and couples MUST agree when it comes to anything sex related. If you FI is unwilling to give up porn for you then you have two options:

1)learn to be okay with it

2) leave with the understanding that there IS someone out there who will put you first. 

You CANNOT expect you FI to give up his wants to make you happy, he has to make that choice himself. I made the choice to give up porn but your FI may not be willing. 

DO NOT bully him into making false promises and if it becomes to much then you need to leave. 

Goodluck hun! Feel free to PM me will any questions

Post # 9
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think what’s important here is that there is something that your FI does that you’re uncomfortable with. We can replace “watching porn” with pretty much anything else — the problem isn’t necessarily the porn, it’s that you asked him to do something, he promised he wouldn’t, and he broke that promise. This is something that you both need to talk about. Him thinking he can promise you something and then just do it behind your back is not ok. You should sit down and discuss this, just as you would any other annoying habit he may have, and try to get to the root of the problem, which is why he lied/broke a promise/thought it was ok to do so. 

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Post # 10
Member
547 posts
Busy bee

@MsChandler:  I agree. Most women on this site have no tolerance for women who don’t want to/can’t tolerate their spouse looking at porn.

To answer your question, I personally wouldn’t be mad because I’m not bothered by porn. However, I understand why you are, espcially since he has told you he’ll stop.

Post # 11
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think the problem is he agreed to a reasonable boundary (not letting anything pop up in front of you), and he can’t even stick to that.  I mean, he’s a porn guy; you have to decide whether you’re comfortable marrying a guy who likes porn.  I don’t think that’s something you can change about a guy.  But asking him to stick to a boundary like that isn’t asking all that much, and unless you’re actively snooping, he’s kind of being a snot about it.

That said, what he looks at on the screen and what he sees in you are two very different things. You are a person to him, a whole person, who looks good but who also talks and contributes to his life.  The girls on the screen are just parts.  And the girls in his past are in his past.  So I mean, just because he likes one thing on the screen doesn’t mean he wants that in you, and just because he’s had it before doesn’t mean it’s worked (obviously).

So I mean, it’s really a call you have to make. I think the fact that he’s not respecting your utterly reasonable boundary is concerning.  But I don’t think you’re going to get him to stop, I’m not sure that’s even your goal, but you just have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you.

Post # 12
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Honestly I would be more concerned about the kind of porn (surgery, fake bods) then the fact that’s it’s porn. He seems to have deeply rooted body issues and combine that with his exes and his admitted anorexic preference… It would give me a complex too. To be honest I’d be more worried about that then porn.

Post # 13
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Do you want to be married to a man who lies and goes behind your back?

Post # 14
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

There are a lot of people that will tell you that 1) it’s normal and 2) that it’s good for couples to watch porn together. 

That is all a load of CRAP! Porn does nothing but 1)give men unrealistic expectations of women and 2) tear a relationship apart, espeicially if one party is NOT okay with it. You are not in the wrong. You don’t like it, he should respect your wishes. Now maybe he is trying and he’s watching it less than you used too. It is an addiction and those are hard habits to get rid of. Just make sure he knows how you feel!

Post # 15
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m confused…are you upset because he’s looking at porn too much or because he was looking at it around you? He may be confused about what you want like some of us are – it’s possible since you said yourself that your thoughts about the subject have changed over time. Whatever it is, I would talk to your SO and let him know your boundaries. Whatever you two agree to he should stand by. 

Post # 16
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MsChandler:  +100

I’d be most upset about him lying and continuing to do something that makes you uncomfortable after you specifically asked him to stop. Even if I liked something, if my DH asked me to stop because it makes him uncomfortable, then I would. At the end of the day my DH’s feelings and comfort are most important (within reason, of course)to me.

Also – whats with the plastic surgeon sites? That is really bizarre…

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