Post # 1
I live in San Francisco and my friend’s wedding is in a remote town in Oregon and coming up in three weeks. DH and I planned on going so we RSVP’d, booked one of the hotel blocked rooms 6 months ago and got our flights. I just found out that my dad is scheduled for major surgery the Thursday before my friend’s wedding. My parents live in Los Angeles. His surgery was supposed to be sooner but was postponed when my mom found 3 huge cysts 6 inches in diameter in her body and needed to get a total abdominal hysterectomy. He wanted to be there for my mom first and make sure she recovers okay before proceeding with his surgery. It’s been a week since her surgery now and she is recovering well so he went ahead and scheduled his.
Ideally, I would like to go down for the surgery and stay till Sunday and miss the wedding entirely. My dad should be in the hospital a few days so I want to see him get settled in at home and help out where I can. I feel like I’m being a bad friend but just feel as if my parents would need my help. Especially because they run restaurants and will be needing assistance. My only other sibling is my 15 year old brother who wouldn’t be able to drive them anywhere or even drive himself to summer school.
Would I be a bad friend, if I let her know that I can’t make it anymore? If it’s something that is going to ruin our friendship, I’ll change my flights and try to make the wedding. If you were in my friend’s shoes, would you be offended?
If I missed it, I was going to send a card with a $500 check which would hopefully cover the cost of our meals (in case they are losing out on it) and a few hundred extra as a gift.
Opinions need please! What would you do in my scenario?
Post # 2
The world doesn’t stop just because someone is getting married. As long as you let her know that you won’t be able to attend, you should be fine. Your check and gift idea sounds like a find solution.
If I was the bride, I would be understanding.
Post # 3
bruinchick4: If your friend gets angry because you are taking care of your parents, both of whom have recently or are going to be undergoing major surgery, then she’s not someone you should continue to be friends with.
That being said, I would contact her as soon as possible to let her know your change of plans. 3 weeks should be enough lead time that she will be able to change her numbers with the caterer.
Post # 4
bruinchick4: I would not hold this against you at all! If you were skipping it because ‘i’d rather going skiing/boating/partying’ I’d be pissed. This is totally legit. Just make sure you tell her ASAP.
I had someone bail 10 days before the wedding because her roof blew off in a storm and it meant they couldn’t afford the trip anymore, it sucked but I understood. I had another one pick a bachelorette party over my wedding…that one stung, and still does.
Post # 5
bruinchick4: If your Dad is having major surgery on Thursday, it is unlikely he will be going home at least until Sunday, so the timing would be fine for you to go there after the wedding.
Post # 6
I would be totally understanding of my friend if she couldn’t attend my wedding because of this.
Since the wedding is still 3 weeks away, depending on the venue, I would think she may still be able to make changes to the guest count anyway so I think your gift is very generous and I’m sure she’ll appreciate it!
Sending good vibes to you and your family for a smooth surgery and speedy recovery!
Post # 7
I would never hold it against a friend if they couldn’t make it because they are helping out their parents after some major surgeries. Just let her know ASAP.
Post # 8
I would not be offended at all, especially if you let her know as soon as possible so that she can make adjustments to the catering, seating chart, etc. Maybe other brides can weigh in here, but 3 weeks out seems to still be a little early in terms of confirming final numbers for the venue, so hopefully they haven’t already paid for your meals. I think the $500 gift is more than enough, I wouldn’t bother adding more on top of that. I would hope that if you approach the situation with honesty and sincerity, your friend will be understanding.
Post # 9
In your situation, you friend should totally understand and be supportive of your decision to be with family.
Post # 10
This is 100% a perfectly reasonable reason to back out on the RSVP!
Post # 11
If you call her now and explain it would be better than not showing up. That way she has a final head count and can tell the caterers, if needed. I’m sure she will understand.
Post # 12
I would call her right away and let her know. Any good friend is going to be understanding, given your circumstances. You aren’t not going because you just don’t feel like it – major surgery is major surgery, and that takes precedence over most other events. Your friend will understand!
Post # 13
I would call (not text or email) her immediately, explain the situation, and offer to pay for the hotel room; chances are, if she is a good friend, then she won’t take you up on this, but depending on the contract she has with the hotel and how many rooms are booked, losing a booking might put her into a failure to meet her contract minimums which can be pretty expensive (all depends on the hotel and the contract though). At least if you make the offer, she won’t have to stress about the numbers, and you can gift accordingly (although $500 may be way too generous even if it’s too late for her to cancel the meal with the caterer– kind of looks like you’re trying to buy her off.)
Post # 14
I had friends from out-of-state RSVP and cancel at the last minute (two families = 6 people). I was pissed, but I got over it once my wedding-day fog cleared. Even if there’s no “real” excuse, a momentary lapse in judgement by them will not overrule a good friendship. If it’s not so good (a cousin didn’t show up, didn’t give a reason), I’m more likely to carry a grudge, but I realized it wasn’t the end of the world. Once the wedding-day fog clears.
Post # 15
bruinchick4: I would 100% understand if a friend’s parent was getting major surgery a couple days before our wedding that they would be unable to make it. I can’t imagine being angry about that.