Post # 1
My FI and I decided to get engaged before he had finished saving for an e-ring. I told him that I didn’t really care whether I had one or not so he ended up proposing without one. I had absolutely NO IDEA that other people would care so much! Some of our family and friends are practically offended by it and when people ask now, I tell them “we haven’t picked one out yet” instead of “we decided not to have one” because of the awful way that people have been reacting.
I feel terrible because he has been taking it very personally. Which I can’t really blame him for, since some people are being downright mean about it. Someone very close to him called him a cheapskate yesterday and it *really* hurt him. It’s not that he’s cheap, it’s that we have a mortgage and other responsibilities and it’s really hard to save. I told him that I’d rather focus on saving for the wedding than a piece of jewelry I don’t need, and it’s true. I feel so bad but I’m really not sure what to do to help the situation.
Anyway, my question is: is it really that big a deal? Would you personally be ok with not having an e-ring?
Post # 3
Mmmm if I suggested it, yes.
Sounds like you guys agreed on this together, so if neither of you care, then no problem. Gosh people are mean 🙁
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
It shouldn’t be a big deal. Not everyone is as pragmatic as you and your FI. My FI bought me a very small engagement ring prior to getting a mortgage together — and even if I wear my ring now, I still get rude comments about it. Can’t win!!
However, my peeve with dress shopping was a lot of boutiques wouldn’t help a bride out without a ring.
Just tell people that you’ve got the biggest diamond in the sky: your FI. 🙂
Post # 5
I feel sorry for you & your FI that people are being rude. Honestly, if I came home and told my family/friends that we were engaged, and didn’t have a ring on my finger, nobody would really consider us engaged. I don’t think I’d even feel engaged. I understand technically if you’ve agreed to marry, you’re engaged, but I tend to think, if you can’t afford a ring yet, how would you pay for the wedding, the house, the life together? I know you said you’re paying a mortgage already, but I know this would be the line of thought amongst my friends and family, and probably my own thoughts if someone close to me got engaged without a ring.
Post # 6
Yes, it IS that big a deal, but this thinking goes both ways. A lot of people think it’s ridiculous to HAVE an e-ring given how much they cost and that they don’t “do” anything.
But to many other people it’s a tradition and a way to show that the man 1) thinks you are special and “worth it” and 2) that he can save money, be responsible and provide for his future family.
A lot of people would see it as you two being “above” the same traditions that they themselves took part or expect to take part in. It’s hard to see other people reject what you hold dear and think of as important, so they lash out and are rude to you.
You need to decide if you don’t’ want an engagement ring at all, OR if you just don’t want one YET because you are saving. When you decide on this, you need to stick with the decision publically. If someone asks why you don’t want one, just say that you can’t ever see yourself wearing an engagement ring but look forward to wearing a wedding ring (if you are).
OR if you are waiting, just say that you haven’t found one that you both love yet, but couldn’t wait to be engaged and start the next part of your life.
Then, if people are rude – call them out on it! Say “well that was rude, you didn’t really think about that before you said it did you?”.
If you think someone is getting a little uncomfortable, thinking that you are “judging” them for their choice to HAVE an e-ring, just say “I love looking at other people’s rings, but wearing one just isn’t for me, I am too clumsy/too handsy, it would get in the way etc etc”
Post # 7
We got engaged AND married without rings. There were just too many other things going on in our lives at the time that took priority. Not having rings was never a big deal and we didn’t allow anyone else the opportunity to turn into it a big deal. If a rude comment was made, we’d shrug the comment off and say something along the lines of “our priorities are elsewhere at the moment.”
Post # 8
- Wedding: December 2014 - Catal Restaurant
I proposed to my fiance so technically I dont have a ring. I eventually bought a couple inexpensive ($40 or less) rings just so I can get an idea of what size stone I want. Msybe you could do the same just to avoid nasty comments from people. One of my rings is being shipped now from 1saleaday.com and another came from this etsy shop:http://www.etsy.com/shop/Tradecraft
Post # 9
@BruinBeeMPH: I went 9 mos of our marriage (although the elopment was a secret) without an engagement ring. I just got my wedding band a couple of months ago and our second anniversary is this month. It didn’t matter to me but I did have a “placement ring” and a temporary CZ ring to wear because people can be a real pain the ass sometimes.
Post # 10
Honestly? I never wear my ering now that i’m married. I think it was a waste of money. If I could go back, i’d spend the money on a kickass trip or amazing dSLR (i’m really into photography!).
Post # 11
@Dancing-in-September: people are definitely mean!! It trips me out that they care so much about something that doesn’t concern them!
@Cynderbug: what the hell, seriously?? The dress shops gave you crap too? Ugh. I get that it’s a symbol but it shouldn’t be a requirement!
@WhatMaeBee: I feel engaged. So does he. I just don’t feel like I need a ring to prove it and I’m wondering why people are so bothered by our choice. I’d rather drop 4K on a photographer than a ring, but it seems to be a very unpopular decision.
@Everdeen: it’s hard to call his own family out on it and those are the people who are making him feel the worst. We had decided no e-ring but he does really want me to have one so he said he’s going to get a e-ring and wedding band set. I’m guessing it’ll be for my birthday which is only two months away.
Post # 12
@BruinBeeMPH: I’m confused, you decided on no e-ring but he is getting one anyway. :
Do you want one or not? It sounds like you are both confused about what you want.
I know it’s hard to call family out on things like that, but if they are being blatantly rude (not just snide where it’s toeing the line) then you have a right to say something. Start now before they start being rude to your children.
Post # 13
@BruinBeeMPH: I just read your responses to other people. Now, they have NO right to be rude to you (the people in your life). BUT remember that the reason that they are being mean is because they feel judged by YOU and are being defensive. Have some empathy and remember to approach future conversations with it.
It’s just like being around a vegetarian and feeling judged for eating meat etc.
Post # 14
You guys made me feel way better. We thought about a temp ring and he actually offered to buy one today but I think it’s a waste of money.
@Everdeen: we decided on no e ring because I told him I’d rather save for the wedding. But he said he still wants me to have one so I guess we’re getting one after all. I’ll take one but I don’t “need” one, you know what I mean? I’m not really defensive when people ask me about it but when people start attacking my FI, I do feel like I need to defend him.
Post # 15
@BruinBeeMPH: I didn’t mean that YOU are being defensive, I meant that the RUDE people get defensive when they think that you are judging their own decision to have an e-ring. And that’s why they are being rude. Again, that’s not ok, but that’s why it is happening.
Given that your FI still wants to get you one, just go with “we haven’t found one we like yet etc etc”. That should stop a lot of the mean comments.
Post # 16
I would NOT be okay not having an e-ring at proposal. It’s just normal for people to figure you’d have one. That would be like not staying up at midnight on NYE.