Post # 1
In the last week, I’ve gotten SIX shower invites in the mail. Unfortunately, five of them are on the same weekend, believe it or not, and I’m out of the country and cannot attend. I’ve been sending my regrets and a gift for four out of the five showers, but one has rubbed me the wrong way.
One of the invitations was for a bridal shower for the daughter of my parents’ neighbors. We are not close, although the entire family (including this bride and her FI) are invited to my wedding in August. This bride is having a destination wedding – I called my mom last night to ask why we were invited to a shower but not the wedding. Apparently this bride has posted on her wedding website that “anyone who wants to can come.” In my mind, that’s not an invitation. Am I crazy to feel that this is super rude? Do I have to send a gift to this shower? This bride is invited to my shower next month, so I kind of feel like I have to send a gift in my absence.
Post # 3
I would pass on sending a present.
I can understand, to some degree, why she did this. But I wouldnt do it myself.
Post # 4
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@cmbr: Personally I don’t see anything rude about the free-for-all invite. Untraditional, yes. But she’s not excluding anyone. I wouldn’t let it keep me from sending a gift, especially since she’ll likely be at your shower and wedding.
Post # 5
#1. No, you don’t have to send a gift if you aren’t going.
#2. However, if she’s coming to your shower and they are family friends, it might be wise to. Lady games.
#3. Yes, it is rude to be invited to the shower but not the wedding, but I will say destination weddings are tricky — people want to be included in the excitement stuff, even if they can’t go to the wedding, and it can be hard to know where to draw the line. She may have just thought she was being polite since you are inviting her to your things, or her mom might have made her, or who knows.
Personally, I’d send a $25 gift and be done with it, but I certainly don’t think you are obligated to.
Post # 6
Does it bother you because it makes it seem like she just wants gifts? Or because you don’t want to be invited to something anyone can show up at?
Post # 7
@cmbr: Since Iit eessentially sounds like this couple forwent the traditional wedding invites and she’s expected at your shower and wedding, you should at least send a gift.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
RUDE- as you are invited to the shower and not the wedding. Who does that?!!!
She probably just realizes she’s not going to get a lot of presents because she’s having a DW wedding and wants to make sure she can secure some booty!!!
Post # 9
@NAvery: All of this.
She’s either lazy (didn’t want to do shower invites) or gift grabby.
Post # 10
I’m kind of torn on this one. I had a destination wedding when I first got married and I had two showers and a lot of people came who weren’t invited to the wedding. No one was formally invited to any of them, they just asked about them and wanted to come.
Post # 11
If she’s invited to yours, I think you should give her a gift.
Post # 12
@BlondeMissMolly: I think it irks me that I’m invited to the shower (primarily a gift-giving activity), but that I don’t consider myself to be invited to the actual wedding. She may have made a wedding website that says, “anyone can come to the wedding!” but especially if people don’t have the address of the website, that’s not an invitation. I never would have known about the “free-for-all” invitation if my mom hadn’t told me.
I think I’m probably a little touchy right now too, because we’re in the invitation ordering stage of wedding planning, and I’m like, “well we’re going to have to spend $3-6 per invitation with postage, you’ll be getting one in the mail, and you couldn’t even send me an email to invite me to your wedding, but you want me to come to your shower and bring a gift?”
Post # 13
Yes you have to send a gift if your not attending the shower.
The DW invite is an odd thing, I’ve had a few. My niece had one similiar to inviting whomever could attend. She didn’t want to make it a gift grab, by sending out official invites, if you couldn’t go.
It’s not that your not invited to the wedding, if you want you can go, but this way she’s not hitting you up twice for a gift, one for the shower and one for the wedding.
Post # 14
@cmbr: yeah I understand. I guess destination weddings are kind of a tricky situation for most couples as far as invites. maybe they just thought they would include people in their shower that can’t come to their DW. Or maybe they just want lots of gifts! Who knows.
Post # 15
If you don’t go to the shower you are not obligated to send a gift. A shower invite should never be extended when a wedding invite is not. If the wedding is destination, there is usually no shower. Sometimes there is a larger reception at home after.
Post # 16
@vorpalette: I probably should have made my post more clear – I got a paper shower invite in the mail, but the “wedding invitation” is apparently a sentence on her wedding website about how anyone can come if they want.