Post # 1
Need your input, bees.
I have a male friend (single) I work with, and the two of us commonly go out for drinks or coffee together (about once a week). We also often collaborate on projects, so most of these meetings (in the morning, over coffee) are strictly business. But sometimes we meet in the afternoons just to hang out. We don’t get rip-roaring drunk together or anything, but probably tipsy. Nothing has ever happened between us.
My significant other and he know each other, seem to like the other, but they aren’t close or anything.
I am pretty sure this friend has a crush on me, though it is not obvious (he does not hit on me or make me feel uncomfortable) and, in any case, my significant other wouldn’t know that. To be honest, I find the friend physically attractive, but am not at all interested in dating him or leaving my partner.
If you were my significant other, how might you honestly feel about the two of us spending time together, getting drinks and the like?
I hate the idea that people have their significant others on short leashes and that people can’t form one-on-one friendships with those of the opposite sex (meaning, friendships that aren’t necessarily shared by the other person in the relationship). It seems completelyt archaic to me, and my partner knows this – if he openly had a problem with one-on-one, opposite-sex friendships, I would be seriously bothered and probably would not be with him.
That said, I feel weird about our hang-out happy hours sometimes – I worry about what my significant other might think about it, knowing he would never come right out and say he was bothered unless he had actual evidence of something fishy.
What do you think?
Post # 3
I think you should just keep open communication about everything! Since you are the one feeling convicted, its up to you to either make things right or back off a bit. There is nothing wrong with having friendships with opposite sexes, it just has to have boundaries and no secrecy involved!
Post # 4
If it worries you then I would not drink with this person or go out after work. I would keep it strictly business. As time progresses you may change the way you feel about him and that would be bad news. Especially since you already sense an attraction on his part.
Post # 5
I would ask your man what he thinks about it. My Fiance and I are very open about if we think someone has a crush on either one of us. We even tell each other if we have a “crush” on someone else (i.e. I think one of my coworkers is cute, but obviously my Fiance is cream of the crop).
Post # 6
@azure: If you play with fire, you may get burned!! Just be aware of the fact that he may have developed feelings for you, and if a line gets crossed, address it! You don’t have to end a friendship, but communication with your SO and being diligent in keeping the ” friend zone” a non-negotiable area is a must.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t care.
Darling Husband works with a lot of really fun people around his same age and he hangs out with them outside of work frequently. Some guys, some girls, some groups, some one-on-one. It doesn’t bother me in the least and I haven’t even met most of these people (he travels for work so these people live all across the country).
Post # 8
Honestly if I knew a guy friend of mine had a crush on me I would NOT hang out with him alone. Your leading him on perhaps. Also if you find him attractive you don’t want to put yourself in a position that allows for things to develop. I agree you don’t have to have female friends only but you should choose your male friends carefully.
Post # 9
My hubby would not be happy about it at all. I’m a little more relaxed than him.
Post # 10
I would only have a problem with it if I knew the other person had feeling/crush on my Fiance. Even though his intentions may be innocent and you think its just a beer the other person could be slowly trying to sneak their way in whether you see it or not. I think hanging out one on one with him is playing with fire.
Post # 11
I think that since you know he has a crush on you you’re asking for trouble. You say he hasn’t hit on you or anything but the guy must be doing SOMETHING to make you think this. I wouldn’t keep having these happy hours.
Post # 12
I don’t know that if I were your SO I’d feel suspicious, but I might be at least slightly bothered by it (basing this solely on how I’d feel if my Fiance had a female co-worker that he often got together/had drinks with one-on-one.)
I wouldn’t necessarily be thinking that you were developing feelings for the person or might cheat, but I’d be bothered by the idea that this guy might be getting the wrong impression.
I absolutely hate situations where it’s clear one person has feelings that aren’t reciprocated and they continue to hold out hope anyway because of ongoing interactions. It makes me sad.
For this reason, if I know a guy has a crush on me, I’ll limit my interactions with him because I feel bad and don’t want to lead him on into thinking anything could ever happen. And if it’s obvious a girl has a crush on my Fiance (he’s kind of dense about these things though) I will tell him to be careful how he interacts with her because I actually don’t want her getting hurt.
I don’t think you are “playing with fire” because you clearly have no intention of cheating on your SO and I’m sure you’re perfectly capable of maintaining control or shutting it down if a line gets crossed. But I do think maybe you should consider pulling back a little for the co-workers sake. I’m not saying cut off contact, but maybe only do coffee get-togethers that are strictly business, and stick to happy hours that are in groups.
Most importantly, just tell your SO that you think this guy has a crush, that you have no intention of fostering it, and ask him what HE thinks you should do. Then try to respect his answer.
Post # 13
It dosn’t matter how I would feel about it. All that matters is that obviously you are not completely comfortable with it. If you were 100% fine with it and it is was truly innocent, you would not be asking us. The only reason you are probably worried is because the dude has a crush on you and you have a slight attraction to him as well. It has the potential to turn into something serious and you know this.
You can try to justify it as much as you like. However, there is no harm in hanging out with someone where there is no attraction involved whatsoever. Many people do this and it is fine. The line gets crossed when the two people start to develop feelings and you know this as well, otherwise you would have told your SO about it already.
I think you need to deeply evaluate the situation and decide if this is healthy for your relationship. Honestly? I think alot of people would be slightly bothered to find out their SO is hanging out with someone that has a crush on them.
Post # 14
@Cady: Said exactly what I was thinking. You don’t sound as comfortable with the friendship anymore, and that’s the bottom line.
For myself, I also have a very good friend that’s a guy (since HS, actually) who I hang out with on a one on one basis, and sometimes we end up having a few drinks together. Darling Husband knows full well about our relationship, and actively encourages it (he’s one of the few friends I’m still seeing after moving). We all know full well nothing romantic will ever happen, no feelings will ever surface. But if they did, I know I would cut him out.
Post # 15
I am/was in a similar situation with a male friend. We have been spending more time together because we are workout/racing buddies, and I started to worry that a) he was attracted to me and b) my Fiance was warry of how much time we were spending together.
The was I solved this was first to ask my friend about some of the comments he had made to clear the air vis a vis the attraction. We are both good looking, so it was fair to assume there would be some physical attraction. We both agreed that we were physically attracted to each other but that we would not want to date (personality clashes) and that I am more committed to my Fiance then to a fling with him, and he is in love with this girl who he has known for a while. We agreed to not focus on the attraction because we value our friendshop more. Now I have started helping him get this girl to date him.
Second, I talked to Fiance about me spending so much time working out and racing with him, and what he felt about it. He was happy I was doing something I liked while getting fit, and he wasn’t concerned. To ease my mind I also started inviting my Fiance out to train with us, as well as other friends who were interested in the progress I was making and wanted to try. Even though Fiance doesn’t come, it has worked. nNw my friend and I are running a group of 6 ppl training for Tough Mudder, and that awkwardness is gone.
Once everything is in the open, it feels great and all parties seem to be happy.
Post # 16
I would not go out & drink with some guy I know has a crush on me (alone). Guys are delusional. He takes one thing you say the wrong way, he’s leaning in for a smooch & it’s awkward. Whole thing goes down the tubes when it could be avoided.