Post # 1
I got engaged October 2011. I asked some of my friends from college to be BRIDESMAIDS (3 of them) in DECEMBER. They all were super happy and said yes. I planned my wedding out for May 2013. One of the three got engaged in Feb 2012 and is planning her wedding for DEC 2012. The other two who were in my wedding also are going to be in hers. (I AM NOT, mad about that I understand she was closer to other people than me and I’m happy for her) 🙂
I graduated in DEC, and didnt really see them so much but still kept in contact. I work as a child welfare worker= no time, stress, depression.
Anyways my MOH was planning my bridal shower. Which would have been 80 per person. The dresses are 140. The two girls told me they could not be in BOTH weddings because they were so close together. (THEY ARE 6 months apart). They dropped out. Then the other girl who was getting married dropped out because she couldnt afford to be a BM.
I’m PISSED, and I feel like I have every reason to be. I offered to help pay as much as I could (ie. pay a portion of the bridal shower, putting the girls up for the wedding * one lives in another state)
I ASKED them to be in my wedding first before the other girl did. Her wedding is first yes but I ASKED first. I feel like if they couldnt do both weddings then they should drop out of the one that asked SECOND.
I wouldnt be so hurt if they dropped out of both weddings, but why mine?
WOULD YOU BEE’s be hurt as well? I’m so hurt that I don’t even think I am going to invite those three girls to my wedding.
It put’s me in an akward situation because all of my other friends knew that I already chose BM. It makes it seem like if I ask other people they were a second thought.
HELP!! I’m really sensitive, (ithink bc I’m a social worker and always am self concious of others’ feelings). Would you guys be hurt and would you invite them?
(They havent really made an effort to talk to me since then, a fb post here or there but thats it, and I have not made an effort either….)
Post # 3
Awww, I’m so sorry to hear this! Yes, I think that how you’r’e feeling is perfectly normal and completely justified. You’re right—you asked these girls first, and they should have the common courtesy to understand that if they can’t afford to be bridesmaids in both, they should say no to the other girl, rather than drop out of yours after agreeing to be in the wedding party.
Post # 4
I cant vote. I need to know if you feel that you will be friends with these girls in five years? If not then dont invite them. I think what they did was real crappy. Forget them. Pick girls you know u will be friends with in five years or dont have any.
Post # 5
Hell yes I’d be upset. I’m sorry they did this. Do you maybe have younger sisters or cousins that can help out? Better yet, maybe have no attendants? Maybe your mother or aunt can host your shower? Again, I’m sorry!
Edit: Ooops, forgot about the “invitation portion.” I guess this would depend if you think your friendship can survive this. Based on what I’ve read on other threads, BM’s backing out or being kicked out are the kiss of death for friendships, but that is entirely up to you.
Post # 6
I honestly felt that I would be friends with these girls for years to come! ESP. the one who lives out of state. I know she feels “terrible” but I cant help my hurt feelings.
I don’t feel that I will be friends with them in five years anymore because I would never have done this to someone, so it makes me feel terrible and question how much more I vauled their friendship then they did mine..
My mom did offer to host most of the shower when I told her that the girls said they could not afford both weddings.
I don’t have any younger sisters, or cousins who I could ask. I felt I was closest to these girls and now I feel that I dont have anyone else to ask.
MY FI had already asked his guys.. his brother, step brother, my two brothers (one of which is a Jr. Groomsman because he is only 12), one of his friends totaling 5.
I only have 3, one MOH, one BM, and one is JR bridesmaid
Post # 7
Those who said to invite them to the wedding can you post your reasoning why you feel that way? I know the reasoning behind not inviting them. But I would love to hear your opinions.
Post # 8
I have to say I read this and was pissed for you. I asked my fiance what he thought and his response was something like, “That’s fd up, F those Bs”…but obviously all spelling out:)
They don’t sound like good friends to me, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with them.
EDIT-even bridal parties are totally overrated. Have the people who care about you and mean the most to you stand by your side.
Post # 9
Yet another horror story of asking your bridesmaids to be in your wedding too soon. Now it puts you in an awkward situation to ask people you didnt even want in your party to begin with and that sucks. I hope you figure it out though and hell yes, I’d be pissed.
This is the childish part of me speaking but I would just not even bother inviting them to the wedding… after all this, it just shows you who your true friends are and if they aren’t true why would you want them there to celebrate your special day after what they did. I am not saying to never forgive them… you will have to get over it, but you have to face facts and just move on: maybe, just maybe they don’t value your friendship as much you thought.
Post # 10
I am sorry these girls are treating you this way, especially the friend who is getting married since she should know how awful it is to back out of being a bridesmaid! How would she feel if that happened to her?
Honestly, their reasons seem flimsy to me. I can’t see how being in 2 weddings, 6 months apart is “too expensive” when you’re offering to help pick up the tab. If it were me and I wanted to try to salvage the relationships, I’d initiate one more conversation with them. I’d re-state the offer to do everything I could to make it financially feasible for them to be bridesmaids (no extra expenses for bridal shower, pay for or leave hair/makeup/dress up to them so they could spend what they’re comfortable with, although I think they should be able to pay for their own lodging unless they are saying they can’t come even as a guest).
If they still say they can’t I would take that as a won’t and seriously re-consider having them in my life. If they aren’t the type of friend to be “inconvienced” after agreeing to be part of your day, they don’t seem like someone who will support you in other areas of life either. I wouldn’t worry about people thinking you’re choosing from a “B-list” of bridesmaids if you ask other friends. If you choose to ask someone else, simply say “I realized that my other friends weren’t the type of person I want to have stand next to me, but I would like you to be part of this milestone with me.” Hopefully they’ll understand that.
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2017 - Ceremony and Reception: Historic mansion on the water
That was crappy indeed but I voted to invite them to the wedding and still send them invites. I think by doing so you are showing that you are the bigger person. I would be very surprised if they accpeted to come to the wedding. Their guilt will most likely keep them away. However, if they do decide to come you are in control of the seating chart. Put in the back near the door with all of the obnoxious relatives and friends. LOL!
Post # 12
I can totally understand being sad, but understand where you are coming from. It’s not just the dress and the shower. It’s shoes, alterations, potentially accomodations for the wedding, wedding gifts, shower gifts, bachelorette party, etc. It adds up. I’ve spent a ton of money on being in weddings and I’d struggle with being in two at once. It does suck that they all dropped out, that was definitely insensitive of them. But if i were in their position and i felt like i had to drop out for financial reasons, I would drop out of the wedding of the person that I wasn’t as close to, regardless of when i was asked. Maybe that’s unfair, but I think thats realistic. I think its better they dropped out early than strung you along and screwed you over right before the wedding.
Post # 13
together420 you made me laugh 😀 I feel like if I invite them to my wedding it would only to show them what terrible friends they were and how life goes on without them. I guess I will wait to see how I feel in several months. BC right now there is still salt in my wounds. + it gives me the opportunity to see if I’m invited to the one girls wedding..
Krises Yeah I figured that as well, so I’m torn. Really their only expense would have been 80 for shower, and 140 for dress. I was paying for hair, and for my bach. party it wouldnt have cost much. I wasn’t expecting a limo, or anything fancy. I wouldnt have expected any shower gifts, as the shower would have been my gift.
bridalprincess I did ask them too early. I thought I was doing a favor because I knew who I wanted in my wedding and I figured it would give them a lot of time to save… They would not have needed to put more than 10 a month away.
dickinson Thank you that means a lot and I totally agree!
Post # 14
Okay, this is really passive aggressive and it’s coming from a place of me being pissed off for you, but what if you still invited them to the wedding, and didn’t invite them to the bridal shower, bachelorette, and rehearsal dinner? Also, if they do attend your wedding, what if you seat them at the back crappy table as others have suggested? That way, you can be the ‘bigger person’ by still including them in the wedding, but hopefully they’ll get the point that because of their shitty behavior, you haven’t included them in any of the fun events that surround the wedding. I would also decline to go to the other girl’s shower/bachelorette party. Maybe that’s really petty, but I think their behavior is just plain RUDE! I’m sorry they’ve been so crappy 🙁
Post # 15
@Mrs.Moser: It’s crappy yes. And I’d be pissed, but only in the short term. But I’d still invite them since they are your friends and you wanted there as BMs why not as just guests? If they’d pulled out for another reason (or you’d not know about the other wedding) would you be as upset?
If you chose to no longer be friends with them then I’d not invite them.
On a similar note (but different) I wasn’t asked to be BM in a friends wedding and I was upset for a long time (especially since one of her 2 BMs is disliked by both her FI and most of her other friends). But I got over it. She’s been a friend for years and I love her no matter what her decision.
Post # 16
I’d invite them just so I didn’t have to explain why I didn’t in case they asked. I wouldn’t invite them to anything else (showers, Bach night out) tho. Im also the type of person that I either love you or I hate you, no in-between for me. That said, I would also give them a crappy seat. and I would not spend a lot of time at the reception speaking to them.