Would you be upset if you read this message my DH wrote to his friend?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
157 posts
Blushing bee

I would be upset because it shows he feels trapped in this committed life he, well, committed to. I would be worried too, about his well being because it could lead to being unhappy down the road. You should talk with him, to see what can be done so that he feels a little ‘free’ again. Sometimes just breaking the routine helps big time.

I don’t know if you have children but form his family man statement it sounds like it, maybe you could let him go out with his friend or do something completely different from what you usually do, or perhaps, if he had hobbies he let down with time due to ‘becoming a man’ and having more ‘serious’ things to take care of, maybe he should take the time to get back to them. 


Post # 4
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he said.  It’s normal, I think, to mourn the fun you “used to have”.  I wouldn’t get upset about it at all.  He didn’t say anything about you specifically, so don’t take it personally.    

EDIT:  Also, I don’t read it in a way that he is serious or depressed.  I read it as if he was trying to make it humerous.  Which doesn’t lead me to believe he’s in any way unhappy, just missing the fun he used to have.  Which there’s nothing wrong with.  Who doesn’t, at some pointin their lives, yearn for something they no longer have? I for one miss the care free world of my childhood!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  LMD.
Post # 5
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

becca83:  Honestly I’d be pretty upset…if this “family life” isn’t something he wanted he shouldn’t have done it.

Post # 6
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

becca83:  I wouldn’t be, mostly because I feel like that sometimes!  Isn’t everyone nostalgic for when they had less responsibilities?!  Plus he probably misses his friend!


Post # 7
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think it’s pretty normal to guys to miss some parts of the life that they had when they were single.  My husband calls his new life being “domesticated”, and he LOVES to complain about it; so do all of his married friends.  It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love and wouldn’t choose in a heartbeat the committed, more settled life he has with me (hey, he gets way more sex now!!); it just means that he’s feeling a bit nostalgic for his young, irresponsible glory days.  Don’t we all?  I wouldn’t worry. 🙂


  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  .
Post # 8
2818 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I wouldn’t trip at all. First of all, people famously exaggerate their own misery when talking to friends. My friend and I message each other every day and try to one-up each other about how tired we are and how much we hate our jobs (although we are both happy, healthy, working in our chosen fields and are very well-paid). If my boss found any of these messages, he’d probably be quite pissed, but hey he wasn’t the intended audience. No harm, no foul. 

Some of my girlfriends one up each other on social media about how much being a mom is ruining their lives (omg, midnight feedings, diapers, and vomit, yadda yadda ya). If their babies could read, they’d be a little hurt to find mom had been complaining about her commitment to them, but, thankfully they can’t so hey. Many of us have done the same on this very site venting about our BMs and MILs and our SOs if they happen to be getting on our nerves a particular day. 

If your husband had any reason to know you’d eventually be part of message’s audience (not the off chance that you’d accidentally come across it, but that it was intended for your eyes) I’m sure he would have phrased it differently or skipped it altogether. If anything, I would use this as an opportunity to try to do your part to contribute to your husband’s happiness.

Sidenote::  I wouldn’t mention that you read the message. Even though it was completely innocent, who needs to even plant a seed that you were snooping? Something along those lines happened to me once (I accidentally saw something bc we share a computer and have a habit of leaving our email wide open). I tried to have an open honest convo about what I’d seen, but not only did my husband not take it well, but he immediately changed all his passwords. Though I don’t need his PWs, I feel like we lost just a little bit of the openness and freeness we had before. I would have had a much better outcome if I had addressed the issue without saying what I’d seen. Just my 2 cents. 

Post # 9
12865 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

No, I think it’s pretty normal to miss the ‘good old days’.  He could have just started with that so they could reminisce a little.  I’m sure many mothers think about the good old days of freedom and not having to worry 24/7 about her child, but that doesnt mean she wants to go back to those days.

Post # 10
157 posts
Blushing bee

I submitted my answer too fast. In the end, the bottom line to me is that no matter how committed, how old you are or how many children and responsibilities you have, it’s crucial for the well being of a person’s mind to feel young and alive. To feel like their life is not just a routine of work, sleep, take care of ___ and again.  For us women too, it’s the same. Gender has nothing to do with it, it’s just life !

Which is why I suggest he get back to a hobby or do something to break his routine. For us, it was acting. We met in acting classes when we were teens. With time, and getting older and having a baby and all the more serious and unfun things of life, we slowly let go of this hobby we met in and fell in love with each other through, and along the years we both became bored for a while – until we each got back to our acting (one a week I give acting classes, and once a week he goes to his acting classes, they are rehearsing for a play). He comes back rejuvinated and full of energy, even though we have +111000000 responsibilities :-).

Post # 11
5518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

I wouldn’t read too much into it.  This isn’t a reflection on you.  DH and I often talk about how much we used to go out and do things with friends.  We both definitely miss it.  But our friends arent really doing that anymore wihtout us.  People grow up and sometimes it’s nice to pretend to be a bit immature for a couple hours.

Post # 13
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I wouldn’t read too much into this either and for sure, don’t bring up the fact that you’ve read his messages on Facebook and now want to take issue with what he’s said. If he’s showing signs, in real life, of dissatisfaction then tackle this from a real life context. Not what may well be a jokey, off the cuff and insignificant remark to another male friend on Facebook.

I know loads of people who slightly downplay, on social media, their genuine contentment with life. A friend of mine has shared the status: “House full of puking children! Did I sign up for this!?!” yet she adores her little girls and her husband. She really wouldn’t change her life and for sure, if she WAS really discontented, she wouldn’t use Facebook as a means to express it!

Post # 12
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

His comments wouldn’t bother me. He’s venting to a friend. That’s healthy. Now, if there are other signs he is feeling really trapped you shouldn’t ignore them and perhaps even start a conversation to course correct. My husband and I talk about out feelings in an open manner so reading something like this would not be my first time hearing it. However, if this waa brand new to you I could see how it’s upsetting. 

Post # 14
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

becca83:  Hi. I think you may be reading too much into this. I say those kinds of things too sometimes but it’s just me, in the moment. Sometimes I’m reflecting on how my life has changed, sometimes I really do miss those things and sometimes I’m just trying to put a smile on someone’s face.

I think most people have times in their lives where they feel like a chained up Frank the Tank. I know I miss my crazier days sometimes but that doesn’t mean I’d trade my life with FH for them.

Maybe your guy needs to get out with his friends. We all need time apart. I do this and I think it’s very normal.

Post # 15
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I wouldn’t worry about it. It wasn’t a conversation he was having with you. I know I’ve made jokes to my friends about being old and boring now. One of my friends is leaving to road trip across the us with her boyfriend (who she met in Hawaii). She was telling me about this adventure they were about to have and all I could think was that the most exciting thing to happen to me that week is that chicken breast finally went on sale at my grocery store. Obviously, that’s not entirely true. I’m excited about my wedding, I’m excited about moving into a new house this summer, I’m excited about my new job. However, those are very long term things and the day to day can be routine. Life with my fi is routine. But it’s also stable, comfortable, safe, and filled with love and trust. I wouldn’t trade it for anything but sometimes I do feel a little stuck in the day to day repetition and I think back to when i had $60 in my bank account and i ‘d think ‘awesome, I have beer money for tonight!’ I sometimes feel nostalgic for the days when I was so carefree that that seemed like a good idea.

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