Post # 1
My fiance and I were at a friend’s wedding this weekend, and after the ceremony and hearing them say their vows I told my fiance that I would really like us to write our own vows to eachother. I think this is the part of the wedding that I am most looking foward to, although I know how much he loves me already I just cant wait to hear what he says to me in his vows to me. But my fiance was adament that no, he does not want to us to write our own vows. I asked him why not and he says because he would cry and choke up and he just doesnt want to. I told him it is really important to me and he said he would think about it. I dont know why this was so crushing to me, but it just makes me feel like why do you even want to marry me if you dont want to tell me why your crazy about me and how much you love me in front of everyone on our WEDDING DAY?! Do you think I should be worried about his feelings about this? It just really hurts my feelings and makes me really concerned for some reason. Thanks for your advice.
Post # 3
Is your FI a private person? Both as far as his affection towards you and in general? Maybe he really doesn’t want to say something so personal “in front of everyone” at your wedding.
Maybe instead you could right each other letters to open on the morning of the wedding so the sentiments and love are private to only the two of you. That might make him more comfortable to truely expressing himself.
ETA: No, I would not be worried. Declaring his love in his own words in public may really be too much for him.
Post # 4
For me, personally, I wouldn’t worry about how much he loved you just based on this. My FI was also adamant that he did not want to write his own vows. Neither did I, for that matter, I’m fine showing people that I love him, but discussing our innermost feelings just felt too exhibitionist (to us.)
So we compromised. We wrote vows, but we’re having our officiant read them, and then we’ll say “I do” to those, without having to say them ourselves. That way we get the sentiment we wanted, but neither one of us is an uncomfortable, emotional mess (at least, we’re not trying to talk through it!)
Post # 5
My DH is very private about that sort of thing and was very much against us writing our own vows as well. Granted, I didn’t care strongly one way or the other.
Another way to think about it is that by saying the standard vows, you are promising something that your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc all promised one another. It’s like carrying on a tradition. Personally, I find that way more romantic.
I tend to find the personally written vows are always more “this is why I love you, oh I love you so much” and not actually “I promise to do this and be this way for the rest of our lives”. A vow is a promise, but every wedding where I’ve seen a couple write their own vows, the promising is left out. The things I’ve heard in personally written vows are much more appropriate for letters exchanged between the bride and groom.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t be worried at all! It’s generally more difficult for guys to talk about their feelings. Add to that the pressure of having dozens of friends and family members watch and I can totally understand why he would feel uncomfortable writing his own vows. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
Post # 7
We made the exact same compromise!
I wouldn’t worry at all that his response to writing your own vows has anything to do with how much he loves you. Perhaps he was just being completely honest, and he is afraid that he would get very emotional. Maybe he feels he wouldn’t be comfortable getting that emotional in front of everyone? I loved the idea of writing our own vows, and was really interested to see what FI would come up with, but he told me that he was soooooo nervous that he’d start to cry, or that he’d freeze up in front of everyone and stumble his way through the whole thing. He told me how anxious public speaking made him, and said he was already going to be very nervous, and knowing he had to recite vows he’d written would make it worse. I was disappointed, but I tried to be understanding. Once we talked it over more, and he realized how important it was to me, and why, we compromised- we each be writing our own vows to each other, but we’re going to give them to the officiant to read out loud, and we’ll say “I do.” We will have the officiant let the guests know we wrote them. I am pretty satisfied with the compromise, and just have to try and understand that FI doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable on our wedding day. After all, I wouldn’t want to do anything that would make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe you could have another talk with FI and see if you can come up with a compromise that works for both of you?
Post # 8
For some (like me and DH) writing our own vows would seem like a horrible punishment and something we would never do!! I am not a writer at all, am the worst with words and have a hard time expressing that kind of emotion that is expected with personalized vows. We felt as if the standard vows were fine. We felt everything they said was true so no reason to get all mushy about it. That’s just who we are though.
ooh. I like the idea of writing eachother letters to open the morning of. That way you get a personalized “vow” and love declaration without the public worry.
Post # 9
@Quietserenity: That is what we’re doing also. He wanted to write our own, and I said I’d cry through it and mess it up. So we’re going to take the traditional vows and make them our own. Have the officiant read them to us, and we say them to each other.
Post # 10
@divergirl: I just know my limits. I seriously cry at everything. Every.little.thing. And I knew I’d never get the words out.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t worry. For my FI, it was really important that we use the traditional wedding vows. Doesn’t mean I don’t know how much he loves me!
Post # 12
I’m a writer & I’m not writing my own vows. I’m hoping to get thru that part as quickly as possible–I’m not really comfortable with it either. So, I can see his point.
Post # 13
Ha, my guy has a hard enough time telling me how he feels, let alone hundred(s) of people, some of whom he just met! Add to that the tears, stress and performance anxiety and I gave up before I gave it serious thought. Remember, the number one fear is public speaking! Plus, I find the idea of saying the traditional vows – as so many couples have done so before me – very romantic and meaningful.
Another solution: exchange love letters the day of privately before the ceremony. What matters is how you feel about eachother. The fact that you’re having a wedding will be enough of a public expression of your love.
Post # 14
Don’t be worried that’s actualy really sweet what he said. He’s just worried he’s going to look like a blubering fool in front of everyone!
My man is the same way. He isn’t really good with words and he sometimes gets all flustered and mixed up when he’s trying to say something important. If you look at it from that perspective it might make you feel better to know that it’s just nerves and emotion (in a good way!).
I would try talk to him about it again. Maybe you can agree to do a short one each? I also like the idea of a letter. I think my FI and I are going to do the standard vows and then write a personal letter to each other for the morning of. I know personally, I couldn’t bare to see my man that uncomfortable trying to get out his emotions in front of everyone when it’s hard enough to do it at home with just me!
Post # 15
I think you are blowing it out of the water. Some people do not like speaking infront of huge crowds. Add being under the pressure of hoping your vows sound awesome can throw someone into a panic attack. Perhaps he feels like he shouldn’t have to share such personal feelings with you infront of an audience. Don’t hold it against him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to marry you.
Post # 16
I went through almost the exact same thing. Our jp said her only stipulation was that we write our own vows. My FI freaked and said NO WAY! He is way too private/shy. He said it would ruin the day for him and he just didn’t want to.
I say you have to respect that the day also belongs to him. Do you really want him to be stressed and upset on your/his day? What if he said to you that it was super important to him that you wear a corset and nothing else in front of everyone? People who are shy or fearful of public speaking- that is exactly how they feel when forced to do it.
Be happy that he is willing to share his feelings and thoughts with you, and respect that he wants to keep them private.