Post # 1
Regular bee going undercover because Im feeling really judgemental about somebody elses relationship which I know is a big no-no
My cousin who I used to be very close with (until his family moved to a different state) recently become engaged, yes I was happy for them but I thought it was odd that nobody had met the fiance. No one, not even his parents. OK whatever they have met her now.
So I met her and she seems quiet, but very weird. Wears all black, wears black lipstick, dog collars ect. Then I noticed a (massive) tattoo on her back with a name and a date so I decided to ask my grandmother if she knew what this meant as to be honest I thought it could be a wedding date and it was a male name except she is only JUST 20 years old way to young to be married, divorced and engaged right???
Well it wasnt a wedding date *phew* it was her babies name and date of birth. Her baby died of SIDS sadly.
Heres where I am judgemental…
baby was born start of October 2011 (dont remember exact date) and she was still with the babies father at time of birth. He sadly passed at 3 months old and she was still with babies dad at time of funeral. So in less then a year she had had a child, lost a child, broken up from a long term relationship in which a child was born, moved on, started dating cousin, and got engaged??
This seems insane to me.
There are other small factors such as she refuses to work and just sits at home playing facebook games all day, she says its because no one will hire her because of no licence (i have never had a licence and been working fulltime since 16yo) and because she has been out of work since babys birth. While my cousin makes quite a good salary. $1000+ bring home a week
Am I crazy to be somewhat concerned?
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re crazy at all. I think this chick is obviously going through a LOT and it seems like she’s really rushing things at the moment.
If anything I’d really feel bad for her because of everything that she’s going through right now. It sounds like maybe she’s rushing to get married because that’s something that could take her mind off of all the pain she must be dealing with. She may be a perfectly lovely person, but it’s still a terrible, terrible reason to get married.
At the same time, it takes two people to get married. Your cousin is just as responsible for this as she is, unless she held a gun to his head and forced him to propose. (Unlikely.) He’s a big boy and is perfectly capable of seeing all this stuff that’s going on for himself. If he can’t or won’t see what’s going on here, there’s not a whole lot you can do for him. He’s an adult and should be capable of making his own decisions.
Post # 4
It does sound a bit fishy and he may end up getting burned by this woman, but unfortunately there is nothing at all you can do about it. I learned the hard way to never stick my nose in other people’s relationship business. They always make up and you always end up the bad guy. I say just let this play out. They might just be perfect for each other..?
Post # 5
I think that she has moved on VERY quickly… I would be worried as well.
Post # 6
yep, if i were you, i will think her kind of weird and strange as well. is it maybe because she is still moaning the death of her child? have you talk to you cousin and ask him about her background (you know, the get to know your friends/families partner part)
Post # 7
Black lipstick and dog collars… charming. I think some of the things you’re describing about her sound odd. However, her “refusal to work” and sitting home/playing Facebook games all day may really be due to the fact that she is in emotional shock.
Losing a child is supposed to be the worst grief that you can go through — from what I have read, it is far worse than losing a parent or other relative.
I can’t imagine losing a three-month-old baby, much less at the age of 20.
I agree that she is moving too fast with her new relationship with your cousin, and I think your instincts are correct that this relationship is probably going to end up being a mistake. And she may very well be an oddball in some ways. But the stages of grief are universal, and I think it would be even more odd if she were functioning like a normal, working person one year after losing her baby. IMO.
Post # 8
Well i am going to throw a bomb in the water now, i would be worried to as its a member of my family BUT i would only be worried about the fact that in less than a year she left a relationship and entered into a new and is now engaged to her new partner. BUT again it all depends on how quickly they are going to be getting married. It sounds like your cousin obviously loves her because i highly doubt that he doesnt know about her past. so if it doesnt matter to him and he is happy then i would let it all pan out and be there for him if it goes pear shaped.
And as for her wearing all black and dog collors, if it floats your boat then its all good and again your cousin obviously likes the way she looks and he has to look at her everyday so again it shouldnt matter to anyone else.
If you are really that worried talk to another family member about it and see if they have the same worries (if you havent all ready) so you can all keep an eye out, but dont let you worrying ruin a happy time for anyone. if he is happy and content then thats all that matters
Post # 9
They might just be perfect for each other..?
Post # 10
I don’t think you should be worried about her refusal to work as that might be some lack of motivation or whatnot from loosing her child. But the fact that she has had a whilrwind year would be concerning.
Post # 11
hi thanks for all the replies.
bit more info-
cousin knows about baby but he believs that the relationship with the father was over much earlier then it was .
all my family think thr same as me.
Post # 12
How did your family find out that she was still with her ex at the time her child passed when your cousin thinks that their relationship had ended before that? Is it possible that that’s a rumor or that someone was mistaken?
Post # 13
First of all it’s none of your buiness and I do think you are nitpicking as you were suspcious of this women before you had any reason to be.
If it was an extremely close family member or friend I would raise my issues and advise them to have a long engagement.
I feel sorry for this women she been though a lot and I don’t think she should be making such huge life changing decisions at this time, but everyone is different and grieves in different ways. HEr having a tattoo wearing black, doesnt make her a bad person. These days it seems to be the norm that families don’t meet right away. A lot of people won’t even meet until the wedding.
Well you have one valid concern her dead child, I think you should keep your concerns to yourself, and it’s something people closer to your cousin should raise with him if need be.
Post # 14
I personally feel it isn’t kind, fair or wise to judge anyone else’s relationship, for starters. I also feel that unless you’ve walked in this woman’s shoes you have no right to judge her.
Obviously your cousin loves her very much; that should be good enough for you to be supportive of their relationship. Please stay out of this, you’ll only cause emotional pain if you decide to interfere. IF/when your cousin comes to you for advice or with concerns, then voice your opinion. Otherwise, zip it.
Post # 15
People grieve and heal differently. I work in counseling so I see this all the time. Some people sulk and sulk, while others snap back quickly. I just hope no one is giving this woman a hard time about it
Post # 16
be concerned all you want but realize that the entire family probably has some sort of gaurd up. also beware that he probably knows the family will be judgemental and it probably not going to take kindly to criticism.
I don’t have advice on how to bring the issue up to him but goodluck to whomever does it.