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I try to keep my newborns away from the general public for the first few weeks, but I think it would be fine in this situation. I have noticed most people try not to touch baby's hands and face, and this will help with germs. I would also sit in the back in case baby started to fuss. I'm sorry for your loss.
I wouldn't have taken my first when he was a newborn, because I was a typical first time Mom.
I would have with my second because I had learned that babies aren't as fragile as we initially think. They do come with some immunity they have gained from Mom. I would not pass her around from person to person, but I would attend, as you said, to pay respects.
I think 11 days is a bit early to attend a gathering with many people. Their still so fragile at that age. Most of my friends who had babies didnt take them to any social places until they were atleast 2 months old because so many people want to play with them and touch their faces
So sorry for your family's loss.
Are you having a family get together after the funeral? I'm trying to think of funerals I've been to and almost all of them had a gathering with the family afterwards with food, etc. And for those get togethers there have been children and it was so good to see all the little ones, they do put a smile on your face. I don't think I've ever seen a baby/child at the actual funeral service though.
Thanks to everyone for your responses so far.
@regberadaisy: Can you tell me more about the superstitition? I'm not Chinese but my husband (and therefore our baby) are. He's not particularly superstitious, but I'm curious.
Thanks.
I wouldn't because it is a taboo in most West African cultures to do so.
I can understand the sentiment from the family. If you decide to go then go armed with hand sanitizer and lots of it.
In Chinese traditions pregnant woman are not allowed to go to funerals because it is believed the evil spirits will take the baby away. I think in the same respect it's not so good to have an infant around the "evil spirits" that surround death.
I don't know how superstitious your husband's family is? I remember you saying in the chinese custom thread they did not ask you to follow many traditions while pregnant. But with their grandchild it might be different? What does your husband think?
Many in my generation are not terribly superstitious but this is one that most of us do follow.
I wouldn't just because of the amount of people there touching and breathing all over the baby. Also at that age it's not like you have a good routine down and it could just be a really big pain. I'd stay home for this one.
As long as the baby does not inturrupt the service I wouldn't see it as being a problem, and seeing a new baby generally helps cheer people up. I am not superstitious in anyway though.
No. Funeral services are extremely emotional. Personally I would have DH stay home w/ our child if it was my family and vice versa if the loved on was his.
My cousin brought her newborn to my great-aunt's funeral, and she was clearly not looking for attention. HOWEVER, one of my aunts (not my cousin's mom) made a very insenstiive comment about how my great-aunt "was only staying alive to see the baby." I was super-close to my great-aunt, and I was devastated to hear that, especially since she and my cousin were not very close. I spent most of my teenage years helping to care for my great-aunt through her battle with Alzheimer's and heart disease, and I visited her often when she finally had to be moved out of our home. In short: one sentence was all it took to make me feel like everything I had done still meant less than my cousin's ability to reproduce.
I'd vote no, just because you never know who is going to open their mouth and really hurt someone.
I think its fine if you want to. But I am the kind of mom who took my new babies everywhere.
In my opinion, there's just some places where newborns/small children just don't belong, and I think funerals are one of them. You wouldn't want to seem like you're taking away the attention of what is important that day. I'd also be worried about germs (especially now in cold/flu season) for a baby that new.
I've seen it done, I don't necessarily object. Personally, I'd be more at ease if my child was a few weeks older, but in this instance I think too might bring her. I know there are superstitions about kids at funerals but I don't buy into that. But if you're not comfortable due to her being so young, then don't feel any pressure to bring her.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Condolences for your loss.
I say it's do-able. I took Baby Smushface out at 2 weeks (went out for coffee with some friends). He was asleep in his carrier the whole time. Chances are your LO will sleep the whole time and you can just ask that people not disturb her (so you don't have to worry about anyone getting to close). Newborns are amazingly portable and unless they're colicky then they sleep a ton.
With it being October and the beginning of cold and flu season I would probably not bring a newborn. Old people seem to think it's okay to stick their fingers in children's mouths. It's a personal choice though. I wouldn't worry about people thinking you want attention, a baby is a welcome distraction during periods of grief.
No, I wouldn't bring her.
Not because she's too young, but because babies that young are very unpredictable. My cousin brought her 1.5 year old to my Granddaddy's funeral and it was very distracting when he would cry during prayers and when the preacher talked.
Funerals have a way of bringing broader perspective. I doubt people would be thinking anything like "Oh she just wants attention, so she brought her newborn to a funeral." Yeah, because all moms are just WAITING for someone to die so they can take their newborn to another funeral. Score! (Not.)
I would bring your baby, but not pass the baby around and keep to schedule.
I don't think it's a problem bringing a baby. PPs have said not to 'pass the baby around', but I think no matter what people will comment and want to hold the baby. I don't think it's an issue as long as you're not pushing it on anyone or looking for attention. Which you aren't, of course. :)
10 or 11 days old is too young to take out to an event like that. There's just a higher risk for your baby to catch something in crowds and cool weather. If your baby has even the slightest sniffle or low fever, that buys him a hospital stay with a full septic workup including bloodwork, urine tests, IV antibiotics, and a lumbar puncture. To me, it's not worth the risk.
Since you did list the option to leave her in the car with your SO while you stop by, I think I would do that. That way if anyone wants to see her they can walk back with you to the car, but you are still able to pay your respects.
As you said, babies can be very comforting while people grieve. So bringing your baby would probably be good-- and not disruptive-- to your family. You mentioned that you'd just be going to the funeral to pay respects-- not for any family gathering after. That may be for the better if you're worried about germs. I imagine people will want to see and hold the baby, but there's not going to be many opportunities for that during the service.
Yes, i dont think there is a reson not to. Just sit where you can get out in case the baby starts crying..
is it just me or.. Hand sanitizer??? do people really get others to use that before they can touch/hold babies?? seems a little overboard to me.
@jessica8982: Yes, most people sanitize or wash their hands before holding a newborn baby. Everyone who has held my baby has done it. I didn't even suggest it, they just did it automatically since hands are germy.
For me it would definitely depend on the closeness to the family member. If you're concerned about whether its appropriate maybe ask the opinion of another family member, as they know your family better than we do.
@jessica8982: Absolutely! Nowadays its so common place and no one should be offended.
@misskoala: This.
I wouldn't bring a baby and would likely be annoyed if someone else were to. I don't think young children in general, unless they were extremely close to the deceased, have a place at funerals.
@rachiecakes:My mom took me out to a big gathering at 11 days. I think different cultures have different norms. :)
@eurekaanchovies:It won't be seen as attention grabby, but the details and customs and that--only you can decide if it is right for you.
If it was my family and my newborn, I would go.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I don't think I would take the baby to the actual funeral service but to be honest, it would be a nice distraction from the sadness of the event to have the baby at the wake. It is a good reminder of the circle of life and how there are still things to rejoice in life even in the midst of sadness.
When my grandmother passed away, our baby cousins came to the wake. I think holding those babies was the only time that I was able to smile for weeks after she passed.
It totally depends on your family though. While the children were more than welcomed at services held by my family, it seems a lot of people on the board disagree with me. It's a very personal thing so you need to do what you think is best for your family during the difficult time.
i think 10-11 days old is way too young to bring into a large gathering like a funeral. Too many germs and too many people breathing touching and kissing all over her. I would just leave her with the hubby and go alone.
Despends on you and what you choose to do. I however, probably wouldn't bring my newborn baby out that early. With sneezing, coughing, touchy feely people. I would want to keep her in the house safe with me for a couple more weeks. She is Brand Spanking New... I wouldn't expose my little one unless I had to.
Plus, people will want to see her, touch her, hold her, feed her a bottle, give her the pacifier, give you baby advice, try and change her diaper,...yada, yada... so see if you are prepared for this before you take her. Think of seating and how you can get access out of teh funeral just in case she gets a little fussy or you get an unsuspected poo diaper.
On another note, enjoy our new bundle of joy!
Thanks again for your wonderful responses! I really appreciate everyone's thoughts.
We're leaning very heavily toward not going at all. In part because of her youth and vulnerability and the "jam-packedness" of a funeral home, and in part because were I to go alone, I would be driving 45 minutes each way, so I would literally have time to show my face and turn around to come home for her next nursing session. I'll eventually pump and my husband will give her bottles, but at 10 days, we're not there yet.
It's too bad, because I do think that a newborn can bring meaning to a loss like this. The people who would enjoy her presence the most are those people who I feel closest to (aunt, uncle, cousins), and there's no question we'll be seeing them in the month to come in a more private setting.
Many thanks again.
When my nephew passed away in December my niece was only 6 days old at the funeral. It was in the middle of flu season and yes, there were a lot of people. I will say that my niece being there really uplifted some people's spirits while at the services. She didn't get sick and slept through both the viewing and funeral. It's really a personal preference though. If it hadn't been such a close loss to my sister I don't think she would have brought her, but it was important to her that my niece be there. Also, there would have been no one to watch her at home because we were all at the services.
My grandmother just passed a few months ago. My cousin brought her baby, and he was a welcome "distraction" I guess you could say. He was a couple of months however. My other cousin also brought her baby. Probably 10months. And he was horrible. He was crying and carrying on and she never took him out of the service. I don't mind babies there at all as long as they're the "seen and not heard" kind at that kind of a function.
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Good morning.
My family experienced a loss yesterday. It was my cousin's grandmother. I wouldn't say I was especially close with her, but she's been a presence in my life. I'm more sad for my cousins and extended family, as this is a loss more for them than for me.
In making my phone calls to extend our condolences, a few people have already remarked about how our newborn daughter is bringing them comfort in their loss, in a cycle-of-life kind of way. Ordinarily I wouldn't think twice about my husband and I attending her wake and funeral. However, I'm not sure of the appropriateness of doing so with a newborn. The funeral will be this weekend, when she'll be 10 or 11 days old.
So, a few questions:
-- We can appreciate that people will want to see her, as newborns can bring a sense of meaning to situations like this. However, we really don't want to seem like we're looking for attention. Would bringing her be appropriate or inappropriate?
-- If we do go, we likely won't go for very long, just to pay our respescts. She does have a feeding schedule that we'll need to try to be mindful of.
-- There will likely be a lot of people there, and people will probably want to hold her. She's just a newborn, and we are, of course, concerned about exposing her to anyone who might have a cold or something worse. Would you bring your newborn or leave her in the car with your spouse? Would you let people hold her? Some of your very close family members will be there, but also some other people who might just want to hold a newborn.
Please advise! Many thanks.