Weddingbee boards

The question of "how long is too long a wait" got me thinking. This is not my own personal situation at all, but I'm just curious what you ladies believe. Let's say that your SO was open and willing to build a home and start a family, but had made a final decision that he/she would rather not formally wed in his/her lifetime. If you were faced with a choice between staying with your current SO, forever committed but unmarried, or walking out and looking for a relationship in which you could become legally wed, what would you choose?

i would definitely choose marriage. but then I wouldn't live with my FI before marriage. . so it doesn't really apply.

Might I play devil's advocate here . . . if he knows marriage means a great deal to you (assuming that it does),he should be willing to bend this much for your relationship if he is interested in something life long with you. Furthermore, marriage does not mean you have to have more than a courthouse wedding.

If you were both against the idea of getting married, then why not.

My own personal feelings reflect what Soladylike posted. I would not want to do the children and the house without the legal commitment. As a matter of fact, I would not live with my boyfriend until he became my fiance and we set a date. Mind you, I am far from old fashioned, but I do not want to play house. I want the vows and the decisiveness in our relationship that I feel marriage should signify.

I agree with a lot of the PPs: I definitely wouldn't leave if my FI was opposed to marriage, but he should at least be able to explain why he feels that way.

And on a side note, I dated my FI for about 4 years before engagement, and we lived together for 2 of them. More than anything, I HATED when people asked about a future engagement; oftentimes, they suggested our engagement was being withheld as a "punishment" for moving in together, and asked me if I'd ever heard the phrase, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

PURE RAGE. UGH.

Thanks for replying, ladies! It's really interesting reading everyones' perspectives and opinions. It's funny - while I posed this question, I wasn't ready to respond to it. In all honesty, I'm a bit stumped on how to answer it myself.

I guess it's kind of a non-issue for my SO and I, so I'm not sure I can fairly give my opinion. My SO and I both grew up in religiously Catholic, but socially liberal families where the concepts of marriage and creating a family were of great importance, but not shoved down our throats. Both of our parents have been happily married 30+ years without trial separations or any major, traumatizing issues. Since I've been young, I've always known that I wanted to get married once I had found the right person, and my SO has always felt the same way in his own life. But we're lucky. Some of my close friends have very negative outlooks on marriage, because they grew up having their lives rocked by their parents unhealthy and abusive unions. I think to myself, my SO or I could have been one of them.

Like a lot of you, I find marriage to be the ultimate level of commitment. And with all the social, legal, and financial comforts and benefits that come along with being legally wed, why the hell not? If you are genuinely serious about spending your lives with one another, why wouldn't you want to make your commitment public, official, and forever set in stone?

But then I think of the many homosexual couples who live in states where the law has not yet caught up with their love (not trying to start controversy or debate here - to each his/her own; honestly!). If they've done their best in truly promising longevity and companionship to their partners, are they any less committed than the heterosexual couple down the street that celebrated their wedding the previous weekend?

I want to say that I would choose love and our relationship, each and every time. I want to believe that even if my SO was 100% against marriage, I would still want a life and family with him. But I'm not sure that is true. I would need time to think it over, I would need compelling reasons, and I would need one hell of a zipper to shut my mouth up about engagement. So, all in all, I'm not sure. Marriage is so important to me. It's how I've been conditioned, how I've grown up. If I was with someone who didn't believe in that as a core value, would we really be all that compatible afterall? It's really hard to decide.

P.S. I'm gunna add a poll!

@luckyprincess : "I cannot fathom wanting marriage on its own instead of wanting to marry SOMEONE in particular.  Marriage should come from the natural progression of a relationship - it shouldn't exist as an idea without the person you want to marry attached.  I actually have a very difficult time with this concept"

I'm going to have to agree with you. My intentions are nothing but peaceful, so without wanting to ignite any sort of drama, I've got to say that this idea has popped into my head a few times on the boards. Ya know, I totally understand and can relate to the excitement of getting engaged. I am waiting for a proposal myself, and admit I can get slightly impatient at times. However, one of the reasons my curiosity was sparked enough to pose this question was some of the posts that center around deadlines and ultimatums. I think it's easy for the ideas of "I'm getting married, time to wedding plan" and "I'm spending forever with my true love" to become blended and distorted, negatively impacting what our priorities may appear to others. I'd like to think that all the bees' hearts are in the right place. It's just a thought I've had a few times.

MARRIAGE all day and @mrs.peters.to.be: you said it best!!!!