Would you confront SO's family that doesn't like you?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@HonoraryNerd:  So my understanding is that you used to have a positive relationship and now you don’t? Did something happen to trigger this? You are marrying their son, so I would absolutely be addressing this issue. I’m not sue if it will do any good but at least you are trying. Also, I would expect my partner to stand up to his parents and have a united front with me.

Post # 4
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MrsPanda99:  +100

I would be terrified of dealing with that crazy lady if/when you have kids!

Post # 5
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

OK – for some reason the woman now hates you and you want her to come dress shopping?  That makes no sense. If something has come for her to have such a change of heart towards you, why would she go dress shopping with you?  It doens’t sound like she wants you to marry her son.

Does your FI seriously have NO idea why she has turned on you?  Does she blame you for something financially that made you both move home with your parents?  Can I ask why you guys can’t support yourselves right now?

Without knowing what your FI has had to say about this it is hard to offer any advice.  My former sister-in-law had a saying, “don’t go to a dry well looking for water.”  Your FMIL is a dry well right now and you shouldn’t be looking for anything there.

Can you share what your FI has to say about all of this?

Post # 6
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@HonoraryNerd:  giving someone the silent treatment is different from ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ It’s childish and what is she, a cartoon rabbit? My mother likes to punish me in this passive aggressive way, so I leave her to it. And if your FI isn’t on your team helping you deal with it, that’s a problem. Where is he in all this? And why do yowarrant her opinion on your dress if she won’t even let you into the house? She sounds awful & mean. Sorry if I’m wrong, that’s just what I read above.

Edit: I went and read the other posts you have about this, and has already been stated, having cancer does not groove somebody carte-blanche to be a bitch. Allowances have to be made, but it isn’t as though you’re forcing her to work at the kiosk instead of getting treatment or something. And it doesn’t sound like you’re making the cancer about YOU, like some jerks do. I get why you’re torn about this now, but maybe you need to make a plan with your FI to confront her- or just hash things out. Can you read her a heartfelt letter or something? Also, what stage is the cancer, do you know? Can you just be like, “This is how I feel and even though I want you in my life and I want to have a relationship with you, if you don’t, I can respect that, but we need to set some ground rules because I’m not going away.” I don’t know… Hopefully that’s not bad advice.

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@BrandNewBride:  Exactly. I would also be afraid of the potential mama’s boy implications. It doesn’t sound like he is exactly standing up for the OP and that has red flags written all over it. I refuse to come second to anyone, even mama. You don’t just marry the man, you marry into the family…the issue needs to be address by the OP and her man ASAP.

Post # 8
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

She might resent him moving back into the house and is just taking it out on you. “He’s a grown adult man, why should he be allowed to ‘play house’ with his fiance in my house?” I don’t agree with her, but perhaps it doesn’t really have that much to do with you, but you’re just easier to be an asshole to than her own son.

 

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@QuirkySocialite:  That’s a really good point. If my adult son wanted to move into my house, I wouldn’t let him. If for some reason it did happen, I sure wouldn’t let him have sleepovers. He would need to get his butt in gear and move out!

Post # 11
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think it would be good to attempt to resolve the issue, but it doesn’t sound like she’d be too receptive to it. At least try to get together for lunch or whatever, that way you can feel content that you did everything you could.

If my FMIL treated me that way I think I’d give up on her. I wouldn’t reach out or invite her to things. She wouldn’t be included in anything. But my FI better be standing up to her and defending me on the issue, too.

How old are you guys? If you’re in your early 20s and had to move back home then I think that is understandable. But if you’re 30ish then I think that might be part of the problem she is having.

Post # 12
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@HonoraryNerd:  you have to understand that Cancer does a NUMBER on someones mental status.  It does seem like she is projecting it all onto you, unfortunately.

My stepmother just passed from stage 4 colon cancer a few weeks ago, she was the most AMAZING woman, wife, and mother, but, was also very bitter towards my father after she knew her time on earth was limited to less than 2 years…it got a lot worse.

I would definitely go the route of seeing if you can meet for lunch, that’s a start!

 

Post # 14
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@HonoraryNerd:  Hmm. Well I think living at home at 22 is pretty normal, so maybe it isn’t about that.

Maybe when you turned down the job offer she got offended? The parents of a friend of mine have a family business and when my friend decided not to go into it his parents got really offended. They took it as him feeling that the job wasn’t good enough for him, that he could do better, etc etc. Maybe she also thinks that if you had taken the job you guys wouldn’t be in this living predicament?

I think a letter is an option, but I still think face to face is best. That way there can be a dialogue and nothing can be misinterpreted. You both can get everything out and clear the air.

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