- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2015
FI and I, for financial reasons, have had to move back home with our parents. Her dislike of me has made this transition really hard for both of us. I’m essentially not allowed over to their house, so I haven’t seen our cat in months. I went ove last night to take FI the litter I bought and I rang the doorbell and it took a long time for someone to answer. FI just steps outside, closes the door and says, “Sorry, mom was just staring at the door looking like she didn’t want to let you in.” She always has a reason for it. “It’s too late for visitors. The house isn’t clean.” However, I’ve known both her and FI for about 8 or so years now. She’s never had a problem with my going over later in the evening or staying there past when they’ve gone to bed. She also keeps the house spotless. All the time. Ever. I know that it’s all just excuses. FI can’t really do anything about it either because, “They’re house, they’re rules.”
What really was the straw that broke the camel’s back was that I really wanted her to be there when I bought my dress. I’ve known her since I was 15. She’s been a big part of my life and part of my family. I really wanted her involved in the dress selecting process. When I thought I’d found THE dress, I called her (no answer) and left a message saying that I had an appointment scheduled and that it would mean a lot to me if she was there. I also invited FSIL in the message. I get no response from her. FI says that she told him that I was getting ready to buy a dress, so I know she checked it. She just didn’t respond. I sent her a text asking if she got it (knowing that she had) and received a response from FSIL saying, “Sorry, we have plans. Send pics.” I sent them both pictures and while she responded, I still haven’t heard anything from FMIL. It really hurt me because I value her opinion so much.
It sucks that after referring to me as their daughter for years and giving me their blessing to propose to FI and treating me like family I’ve just been kicked to the curb. The way I was raised, family comes before everything. We may not always like each other, but we’re there for support whenever it’s needed. We’ve never disowned members. I think the last person to “leave” the family was my grandfather’s brother and even then we’ve reconnected with his kids and grandkids. I know his family dynamic is different. They stop talking to various members all the time. This isn’t normal for me though and I don’t like it. Especially being on the receiving end. FMIL raised FI with the idea that, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” except to the extreme. Back in HS, FI didn’t speak to me for 2 months because of this and it seems she won’t be speaking to me either until this blows over somehow. Mind you, they haven’t spoken to FFIL’s brother in so long that FI doesn’t know his teenage cousins. It could be a while.
I’m just getting so tired of this. I don’t know how to fix it and I’m trying to be understanding with her treatments and all, but this is causing me stress, it’s exacerbating FI’s anxiety, it’s hurting our relationship. I’m terrified we’re going to get married in 2 years and she’ll still be ignoring me.
Part of me really wants to invite her out to dinner/lunch (over and over until she replies and says yes) and just hash it out like adults. Give her the chance to tell me why she’s been acting this way and give me a chance to tell her how it makes me feel. Even if it doesn’t fix things, I’d rather know where I stand with her than sitting here waiting. Part of me is also wondering what FFIL thinks of all this. I’m sure they’ve talked about it at some point and for him to just go along with it is also upsetting for me.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. What would you do? Do you think it’s worth trying to talk to her about? Would doing so be inappropriate?