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Well, I don't know exactly what you're asking, but if you value being Muslim so much, then you might need to reevaluate your relationship. If he is adamant about not converting, you cannot marry him under Islamic law. Therefore, if you only get married by the legal way, your "marriage" will be haram and against the religion.
I think you should think deeply by yourself, evaluate what it is you want in life, and then discuss it with your boyfriend.
@mrscheetos <-- This is really great advice.
OP, it sounds as if your FI has pretty definitively answered this question on his end of - he's not willing to convert. You need to do the same for this to be fair. Especially when you bring up that you ignored a big part of what might not make this man right for you. (Or that's how I read it). 5+ years is a long time, and you both feel strongly enough about it that you got engaged. How have you discussed religion in the past? (future religious lives together, how you want to raise your children, etc?)
Is he asking you to convert? Or are you considering converting so you can have a religious marriage?
ETA: I realized this was a question, too. Also I'm not muslim. But I can answer the question. I would not convert because of a man's religion. If FI converted to something... I'd do everything I could to support him and be involved as much as permitted in his faith life and community, but I wouldn't go along unless it was something I deeply believed in myself.
@fafaa22: If your faith is very important to you, it is not a good idea to match up with someone who not only doesn't practice your faith but does not care for " religion" at all.
I can't tell whether you don't care about Islam or you do. Are you the one who would consider converting or are you hypothetically seeing if partners would convert if it was valuable to their spouse?
Do you live with parents? Do they know your desires with a non practicing man?
Best of Luck! Like mrscheetos said, your marriage wlll be haram under Islamic law, so don't jump in to anything just yet. Please take some time to think things out and communicate with your boyfriend.
My FI is a Muslim and I was brought up spiritual/Buddhist. When we first started going out, it was assumed that we were only looking to date someone with the expectation that it might turn out to be a potential spouse. As such, about 6 months into our relationship, we had this discussion and hammered out exactly what we each expected from our spouse and the parent of any potential children. Since I'm less religious of the two, we agreed that I would be converting to Islam and our children are being raised as Muslims. It was nice having established that early on so he didn't "waste" his time, so to speak, and now that we are officially getting married (7 years later), we know exactly what we want and there's no drama in this department.
I think you need to consider how important is this to you. Even if you are fine with not having a spouse who is following Islam with you, how do you want your children growing up? Would it bother you if some or all of your kids said that they didn't want to be Muslims and said that their father isn't, so why should they?
thank you for the point that you have brought up! thats actually what im trying to figure out. HE HAS NOT ASKED ME TO CONVERT i am assuming because he is not religious and he is not planning to get married in a church etc (im just assuming at the moment hence i am trying to get advise before bringing it up on a serious note to him)
THE ONLY REASON WHY i called the thread WOULD YOU CONVERT is because, im begining to feel like i dont know if i can continue being on the same roof and having similar opinions of lifestyle,and midset BUT not on the same religion side. and i dont know how he would relate- i mean he listens and things i tell about islam he doesnt forget and sometimes repeats them to me but the more he is listening and the more he takes what i say nto concideration the more i realise i want him to convert.
so basically i feel selfish for being the first one to think of him, to convert to ISLAM, but am i being selfish?
whether he takes islam SERIOUSLY or just moderate, i want him to convert, am i being unfair? he didnt ask me to convert but i want to do the first move to ask and i dont know if im not thinking straight on itbefore asking him.
this came up, BECAUSE there are times he would ask me simple things(especially for the past year and half) about islam that i would explain, or would go to the Imam to find answers and explain to him and for some reason he doesnt forget such minor info of religion, so its making me feel like maybe i should make him convert?
or as a woman, am i desrespecting him?
i just dont know if its fair to feel alone in household spiritually and at the same time i dont want to make it look like IM FORCING HIM.
ive thought of leaving the relatioship, and i realised IF HE KNOWS MY REASON IS BECAUSE OF RELIGION, and then says "ill convert to be with you"
how do i handle that? do i still leave? thats like being put in such a tempting position(becausei do want him to convert but not just for me obviously for the interest of islam)
basically i need to be clear of all posibilities of his answers or atleast a few to mention and how i should look at the situation without looking like a selfish person.
@fafaa22: I would just be up front with him. Let him know what your dilemma is, and see where he's at. Have you broached this subject before with him? If not, I would take a little time beforehand to think hard about how him converting (or not converting) would affect you personally, as well as your family, your friends, and any children you may have. Maybe even make a list for yourself to see if this would be a dealbreaker for you. If it is, you should just be honest with him and give him the chance to decide whether or not he wants to convert to be with you. Don't feel bad for being honest about this very practical consideration. It's great to be honest with your partner (and yourself!) about these types of things before a marriage. If you decide that it's not a dealbreaker for you, then you can still broach the subject with him but in a less definitive way (saying something like "I've been thinking, and while I don't want to pressure you into anything, I would be much more comfortable marrying someone of the Muslim faith. Have you ever considered converting?"). Good luck!
ETA: Regardless of what you decide, you should have an open discussion with him about what both of your expectations are of faith life, of whether to raise children as Muslim, of what you expect from your fiance and what he expects from you, etc.
Is he of Muslim heritage or brought up that way?
I'm not sure that anyone can ask another person to convert. I think it has to be their free will. I do know though that couples should support each other in their religions and that a very religious person should never be with someone who isn't religious.
@fafaa22: 
Is the caps-lock meant for emphasis, or did I offend you? Wasn't trying to, but I'm sorry if I did. 
To answer the questions, though, the only one I can answer is I don't think you're disrespecting him. I think if you both can bring it up, talk about it thoroughly, and are fine with the conclusion, that will be a really good thing.
I mean I guess one thing you should figure out before you go into the conversation is how you will feel if he says yes, and how you will feel/what it will mean to you if he says "No, I won't convert."
@PinkMagnolia: I dunno, while I certainly don't think she can *force* her partner to convert, I think it is well within a person's rights to communicate what her priorities are and to share those with her partner. It is totally possible that the OP's fiance doesn't even realize that this is a concern of hers, or that in order for their marriage to be accepted under Islamic law, he must convert. I don't think it's OK to pressure him, but I actually think it's very wise for her to be honest with herself about her own expectations and wishes, and to share those wishes with her fiance.
I haven't read all of the other posts but I thought I would donate my two cents.
My boss and his wife have different religions. His wife is a Jehova Witness and he is not. The let their children choose which they would prefer to follow. The have pretty much compromised to make it work, because they love each other.
I chose to convert to Catholicism, but not for my SO. I had enjoyed Mass before we started dating and then him taking me to Mass with him made me seriously consider converting. We had a short, but frank, discussion when I began converting which basically had both of us agreeing that conversion was a personal decision. He told me that he would marry me regardless of whether I converted and I told him that I didn't want him to feel pressured to marry me just because I was becoming Catholic while we were dating.
I don't think I could be happy with someone who converted "just because" or just to get married, because religion is important to me and I want my future spouse and I to both have conviction and a strong sense of personal beliefs (regardless of what those beliefs are). If my SO and I broke up, I wouldn't want a future partner to convert to Catholicism just to appease me.
But Catholicism is different because I could, hypothetically, marry someone who isn't Catholic and still have the church recognize the marriage after we jumped through a few hoops.
(I don't mean to offend anyone who has converted for marriage, it's a personal decision and I totally respect your choices.)
Personally, I don't believe in conversion unless you whole-heartedly believe in the religion. Askign someone to convert for the sake of having the same religion seems wrong to me. My FI's Catholic and I basically have no religion. I agreed that it's important for kids to be raised in a given religion (since I know what it's like not to have one) and so they'll be raised Catholic. But I will not convert. I do not believe that Jesus Christ is our saviour and many other things that go along with the religion. It would be a lie for me to convert and I think that's disrespectful to the religion. Our kids will be brought up in it (if my FI continues with that choice) and as adults they can choose to what beliefs they have.
@Future MrsB: It would be a lie for me to convert and I think that's disrespectful to the religion.
I totally agree but couldn't think of a way to phrase it so succintly. Thank you!
Religion is within yourself, no matter what your partner is. I know it may not be "right" that you didnt get married as the same religion, but again, your religion is the spirutuality you feel and practice within yourself. as long as he is not stopping you from doing what you feel is right for you, then it should not matter.
me and my FI are both catholic but we have been getting a lot of slack for not getting married in the church. So we are "not married by the church" but being married is partnership and legal documents, not just going to church that charges $2,000 to get married in. We still go to mass. Our kids are babtized, so we are still catholic, we just didnt do it in church. And if he was another religoin I would not convert because I love being catholic and everything that comes along with it. Growing up and going to sunday school and working at my church, I could not let that part of my life go. Its just learning how to go along with your partners religioun and respecting it.
as far as kids go, you can do both. my best friend is half christian/jewish and they do every jewish holiday and every christian holiday. and when it comes to her choosing her own to go further into,when she was old enough to understand both, she did.
@Future MrsB: This is us and I agree with what you said.
I dont think both halves of a couple has to be of the same religion as long as you are OK with the marriage not being recognized by your religion. But, I am assuming, it will be recognized by your family. And it definately will be legal.
What is most important is how you plan to raise your future kids, if there are any. Because that should be ironed out now to avoid major problems.
You mentioned that you dont know if you cant pray by yourself. Isnt religion about you, your actions and beliefs and the deity? As long as you agree on all other aspects of your life and religion doesnt cause opposing beliefs, its OK to be different religions.
@PenelopeB Unfortunately for the OP, she and her spouse cannot be of different religions. Islam strictly dictates that a woman can't marry a non-muslim man. Even if she marries him and still wants to be Muslim, she'll be "living in sin" which is a HUGE no-no in the Muslim religion.
My FI was raised catholic but was as you put it "lazy about religion." The moment we started getting serious I told him that I wouldn't marry someone unless they were Muslim (convert or born) and that my children would be raised Muslim. This has always been a non-negotiable for me. I will say that he struggled with this a little because he didn't want to "label" himself as anything, but the more he learned about Islam the more he found himself "appreciating it." He is supportive about our children being raised Muslim. He converted but I'm sure the original reason was for me. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing especially because now he has become more and more involved in the religion. If he is willing to convert and raise your children Muslim (and he's the one you want to be with) then that's his decision. You don't need to question if it's for you or for himself-as long as he is supportive of the religion for the children. He's not going to start out as invested in Islam as you are, but I believe that it's a HUGE step to convert and bu doing so he's opening his heart to it. I say if he's willing to convert and raise your children Muslim (and not undermine the religion to your kids), then you don't have to second guess his reasons for doing so.
thanks for your understanding, i think maybe thats my main concern...not trying to make look like im my religion is better than his, or making it LOOK OBVIOUS THAT I AM OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO CONVERT ANYTIME SOON to any other religion (lol) without offending him. so i think you gave me an idea on how to start the conversation without being rude. i mean after all, i have made a wrong choice by waiting o many years without asking and obviously knowing that i am inlove was another thing that made it take forever to come up and now that he wants to marry me, it seems like all my faith concerns (the little muslim in me) are starting to come out.
thanks for your advice dear.
PS. please dont get me wrong, i can convert to his religion but i dont know if id easily adapt to it and not go back to old ways again(because that is the true me). i mean, im just in such a comfort zone, and i dont think id be doing the right choice by converting to "please him" plus he doesnt even go to church so i dont know why id convert to his if he knows very little about his religion.
yes, thats what im worried about and need a way to say it but not sound rude about or like its all about my religion and nothing else.
hahaha no no no. you cant offend me in anyway, no matter what advice you were giving me, after all im looking for as many thoughts as possible. the capital letters were just for emphasis, but not to make you think im angry lol
and indeed your last answered again are two things i really need to get my facts straight before speaking to him-atleast with the random possibilities that he will say no i cant convert. and if by any chance he says YES, will i be able to still go ahead and marry him, because its clear to me that he would ONLY say such a thing as YES simply because id mention "kids" do i just accept it and move on. or do i let him convert and just be happy he said yes? or is there other things to consider with his answer as YES.
because obviously, NO would mean ive wasted 6years of my life not looking at the bigger picture -family security-, so obviously my whole relationship it bogus and it will be hard to move on but ill find a way(ill definitely feel lost for a a while but Allah will keep me sane)
PS. honestly this chapter of my love life is only because our kids to come, i dont know if id be doing them a favour by not having religion stabilty.
thank you for you opinion, thats very eye opening to know from someone who has already be through it and how you felt after his final response.
ok let me understand something, so you saying i shouldnt bother questioning his decision if by any chance he says YES?wow it a little hard not to.
even though i know id be glad to hear that, id still feel bad he will do it for me. but then again maybe its best i dont know that so i dont feel more guilty?
no one could be so straight foward as the both of you lol
anyway, if i had to be straignt forward and not offend anyone and just voice my opinion, this is what i totally feel
If it was up to me, we would remain this way forever because i really dont mind what church or mosque he goes to- visa versa because we obviously wouldnt have been so comfortable for 6years. but then again the minute i think of "kids"- im scared of being the reason for them not to have a basic religion at home and then "decide what they want to do with their lives when they are older".
thanks :D
Give him a quran and let allah deal with the rest. pray estegra and you will be guided to your best interest at hand.
@eimajleigh: I totally agree with you.It took guts to say that earlier on, and guys can get spooked by such strong statements but i'd prefer him to know it earlier on so we don't waste both of our time (and money and emotions!). I always think money and emotions I can work with recovering but time, I won't get it back.
@fafaa22 i think it's really for you to decide if you'd give him up or not. This is a very personal issue and i know how hard it is because I've been there many many times. Thinking about leaving someone due to something you cannot change is hard and i've cried many times over it. But at the end of the day, you've gotta be strong and do what you think is right by you. It's none of your faults that you're of different religions and I know some people say if God doesnt want it to happen, He wouldnt make us fall in love. But i think sometimes, God gives us something to test us, so we would think and make the best decisions for ourselves.
as for me, I've been with my boyfriend since April 2007 and when he asked to be in a relationship with me, I told him straight up that unless he is a Muslim, that won't be possible. I was 23 at the time and felt like I didnt have time to play the highschool dating game anymore and really wanted to be in a relationship that would someday lead up to marriage etc, but for that to happen he has to be a muslim.
I established that earlier on because a guy i was with previously was an Atheist and we kind of talked about the religion issue before and while we were together but I wasn't very pushy about it. Long story short, he broke up with me over a text message saying he didnt want to be a Muslim (a convenient excuse, really, because we were in a long-distance relationship after 16 months of living near each other in the same town and dating and I moved back home. Also he met someone else but didn't want to tell me). So, I vowed to never let that happen again because it really broke my heart, to spend time with someone and in the end, having to say goodbye to the relationship.
Anywho, my current boyfriend said he would do it but I would need to give him some time. I never really pushed him to but i always try to include and talk to him about Islam. I bought him books and when he came to visit, my mother gave him a translated copy of the Quran. He was deployed to Iraq twice and Afghan once so he was familiar with Islamic practices ie solat, fasting, zakat etc.He even tried fasting this year and I was so happy about it. Sometimes I would listen to quranic recitations and nasheeds while I'm with him, hoping that some of the words would speak to him in some ways.
I told him he has four years to think (because I've got four years to work with my government and once that's up, I can move to live with him) and once that time is up and he still hasnt decided, i would move on ie end the relationship and he could do whatever. It was hard telling him that because I cared a lot for him, and I do love him quite a bit, but at the same time, i didnt want to spend anymore time with a person I couldnt marry/live with.
The talk always ended with me in tears and him in frustration, and he'd get angry over it because it's stupid how religion stands in the way. But to me, i'm not just living for today. I believe in the Afterlife and i love him so I wouldn't want him to burn in Hell and him dragging me with him due to never telling him about the beauty of Islam (product of many years of going to religious classes - some things really stick to you!)
But last september, he decided that he would do it, alhamdulillah. Well, maybe because the four years dateline is coming up and he could see I was serious about ending it if he doesnt want to get married. He's coming to visit me in December and we would go through the reverting process etc here because it'd be easier for him to get support here.My family has been very supportive of that so alhamdulillah for that.
So to me, even if he is doing for me at this point in time, insya Allah someday he will do it for God. Allah works in mysterious ways and I know that sometimes we dont know of His plans because of our limited abilities as His mere creations, but I believe Allah knows best and so, I will leave it all to him.
I must say though that my ways are unique to my situation and I didnt force my religion on him. I gave him a choice and he has the last say. While I know some couples choose to have an interfaith marriage, that choice is not one I would make due to my own personal reasons. I respect those who do. To each her own I say, and Allah knows best. Wallahualam.
thanks very much! i spoke to him the next day after starting this thread.
he wanted to take his shahada but i refused(dont get me wrong, i do need him to take his shahada), BECAUSE i cannot let him take such a sacred and important step for me and i probably might feel guilty to walk away if he doesnt take it seriously because he might say "i am muslim and she left me"....
so i told him to take his Qu'ran lesson seriously and to know more or find out what he would need to find out.1. i told him i need him to believe in it and to Understand2. even though its through me he is able to knows about islam(ill be greatful to touch one life in my lifetime) i still need him to know what its all about....3. well ive really kept my distance with no useless excuse, i told him its best if we dont see each other due to the issue (he can email and call but best to be apart), well he understood it and didnt argue or question me, he didnt even have anything to add, so i thought its probably over and he wouldnt attend the wednesday assembly i told him about.
3rd november i found out from his coleague that he is taking an Alim course (all he knows is that he goes twice a week). i had to pretend like I KNEW THAT HE IS TAKING AN AALIM course, because i didnt want "EVERYONE" he knows AT HIS WORK to know our personal issues(even if we dont know if we will be together) so i pretended like i knew about it that i have been busy with work so i am not sure how many times a week he goes to the course then thats how the coleague said "he mentioned it is twice a week that he takes his course"...
he never told me about it, maybe because he wants it to be a suprise, or maybe he doesnt think id be convinced or i wouldnt be interested to know, ....whatever his reasons, only Allah knows. so now i dont know if he took his Shahada already, either way, we shall see what will happen.
tell me what you think about the update i gave you
thanks again sister :)
salam
ya ukhti, alhamdulilla!
sister, i'm very happy to hear that.Allah works in mysterious ways, so maybe perhaps he is going to learn for the sake of learning but who knows maybe later on he will fall in love with Islam. i'm so happy for you.
My boyfriend is coming to visit next month, and we are going to see the clerics some time during his visit. he knows a lot about Islam but never did go for formal classes because of work commitments (early mornings, late nights, sometimes wknds too). But he's been reading a lot.
personally, i look at it as a way to improve myself as well. I need to prepare myself with knowledge because it wouldnt do to have him learning abt the wrong things from me. alhamdulillah my parents have okayed our marriage plans so that's one big boulder out of the way.
sending you prayers! Hope things will work out for you.
@fafaa22: It seems od (for lack of a better word sorry) that you wait nearly 6 years to REALLY think about this. Surely you knew how you wanted your kids raised before so why did this not come up as soon as the relationship got serious?
Second I REALLY REALLY hope your religious leader (forget how to spell the name I apologize) refuses to convert him unless he is 110% serious and devout. If he is already lazy as you put it about religion I doubt he takes the classes very seriously. Also what if the second he converts that is it, he converted but does not participate at Mosque or prayer times?
I guess what I am asking is do you REALLY want him to convert "just because". I get that Islamic law states you both must be Muslim but I think Islam would have something to say about a random guy converting just so his girlfriend would marry him and then not really upholding the religion.
My fiance is Greek Orthodox, I was raised Catholic but am converting to Greek Orthodox. They are both very similar but it was 110% MY decision, I made appointments to go talk to the priest, I knew it would be best for our kids if we were both the same religion imo and I go to church. It is what I want not just because of my fiance.
It is clear your SO/FI is more interested in keeping you and keeping you off his back about religion than he is in Islam. I think you need a long serious talk and bring him to the mosque and have every daily ritual he will have to participate in laid out for him (my neighbourhood is very Muslim so I know there is a lot) and see if he is willing to do that for the rest of his life AND instill it in his kids.
Not being a debbie downer but marriages where one person is very religious and the other converts just to pacify the other rarely work well because the couple(or atleat one partner) is going in to the union not being 100% honest about who he or she is.
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i love being muslim, i love my upbringing, i dont see myself changing to his religion.
we have been together for 5years and 8months,
religion has never been an issue, ive always gone to mosque, and did all my prayers at home without having an issue
BUT we are taking things to the next level, and i dont know if i am just paranoid or am i right to worry
i dont know if i can continue to be on my own PRAYING. and i dont know if that will make things easy to convince my kids to follow it too.
dont get me wrong- i will admit without shame that im not hectic religious person either but islam is seriously the only way i see things, ive never known what its like not to be what i grew up following and i dont know if ill ever been ready
but my main concern is, am i doing something wrong by being with him for so many years and never cared what religion he follows and all i cared about was his personality (i never clicked with anyone like i do with him) and maybe i wasnt thinking straight being with him?
i mean, he is very lazy when it comes to religion, which was a good point he gave me as his reason for not converting (he doesnt want to convert and still not pitch at mosque the same way he hardly goes to church)
please tell me what you think, advise or any thoughts or idea...
i mean, i feel like ive been blinded by love for so many years that i hardly took my time for the religious part of my life and MY FUTURE KIDS...