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I'm not trying to offend anyone or be dramatic, I'm just wondering what the bees think. Have you done it? Did you have your own child as well - and did that make it easier? What role do you play and what role does the bio mom play? Do you see the child as a constant reminder of his past relationship?
I personally can't imagine doing so, but then again, FI and I are 23 and have been together since we were 18, so we never really had time for there to be another man/woman/child involved. I would be nervous about what the child thought of me, and I fear I'd have thoughts like "take care of your own kid" whenever the child did something wrong.
Please don't be mad at this question! 
I answered no, it's just not for me. It works for some people and that's great, but it would not work for me.
@MissKitteh: Phew! Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm just too young to take that on. I could see if it was some time in the future, like in a re-marriage (God forbid, I'm not planning a divorce!).
Yup! I had a relationship for over 2 years with a man who had a son. I wasn't trying to be his mother, it was fine.
I am soon to have two kids, if my husband (God forbid) ever passes away or we divorce, I'd hope people wouldn't just disregard me for having children. We deserve love too!
I may be more concerned with how the bio-mom acted, if she was still around. If she was hell bent on making my and my SO's life a living nightmare, and my SO couldn't put a stop to it then no, I wouldn't pursue the relationship. But let's just say "he had a kid" and leave it at that. Then yes, I'd date him.
OMG is this MY post right now! I have been with FH since I was 19! His son was 8 then. At that time I was all about being MOMMY and how I couldn't wait for him to officially be my step son and all the things we would do. Now its 9 years later, we are still in seperate homes due to finances. His son is a rotten 17 year old and I am sooo not wanting to be "mommy" because I would be disciplining the shit out of him! Anywho... lol, I have none of my own yet and yes I have ALWAYS wondered what he thinks of me, if he REALLY likes me or is trying to be nice, what's real what's not, what's important of whats real and whats not.
OMG complicated! I never thought OH I won't date someone with kids but I was so young when I met DH that I hadn't thought of it or thought I would need to think about it. It was okay. Honestly I'm verrrrrry needy of attention and constant love so I wasn't the leats bit ready for there to be a child in the situation to be honest because I need so much attention I was always afraid his son would notice and would resent me and now I have to hope he didn't and doesn't.
But this is just ME. In less complicated situations I think it would be COMPLETELY awesome.
SOrry for the long post ;)
I've dated a guy with a kid. He was an ass and couldn't blame the mom for leaving him! That said, my mom had 3 boys when she met my dad. He's the only dad they've ever had. They dated a long time and by the time she had me and my brother, my older brothers were getting married themselves. I just thank god that my dad was that amazing of a man, to take on a wonderful woman and her three boys, and that my mom was amazing enough to know this man should have kids.
It's tough but I also have a friend who just got married. She has three boys from previous relationship. they bought a house, got married and they are PREGGERS now. The man she married is amazing, he treats those boys like his own.
If you can't get past the petty bs from the "bio"s and make your own relationship with the kids that come with the person you love, than you should step back.
I should maybe also add for my situation.. the ex walked out when his son was like 1 or 2 so there was never any drama or competition type of thing going on there. SO it was always one less thing to worry about, for me anyway.
I've dated one. He was reeeeally fun. But before things got serious, I really evaluated how I felt about it. For me, it is very important to me for us both to hold our baby for the first time together...that moment together. That's really important to me. Personal preference tho!! I met my FH actually RIGHT after him... =)
I don't think I could handle it, especially because I'm incredibly jealous and dealing with baby mama drama is NOT my scene.
I'm 34 and my fiancé has twins whom are soon to be 15. For me it's not that big of a deal, it was weird at first but I fell in love with him so that means accepting him for his past and for his kids. Problem has been that sadly enough his ex girlfriend is that he doesnt even get to see them or talk to them anymore because she won't allow them to.
I think it's hard to not offend people with the question and the responses. I mean, I'm sure everyone has their preference but to completely rule someone out because they have a child?? I don't know, that's not something I could do. If you have chemistry and feel something for them, it wouldn't matter to me. Is it ideal? No, it's not. But if my SO had a child I don't think I could've turned away from him. But I guess if you would, then he just wouldn't be the right man for you.
I voted maybe. I'm pretty sure it would be a situation that I wouldn't have let start up but I suppose i would have done it of somebody had blown me away very early in a relationship. I don't have my own children yet and selfish as it might be I want the first child I help raise to be mine and to be able to choose when they come in to my life.
if you had asked me a couple of years ago, I would have said no, never because I've never wanted children. Fast forward to today and I have an amazing 13 year old stepson. Is it difficult? Yes. is it worth it? Yes. I believe that it's one of those scenarios that you can't fully grasp until you're in the thick of it.
I have dated guys with kids, and it was more difficult, but not an issue. I would still be with my guy if he had a kid, but I'm really glad he doesn't.
Probably not , but it would depend on the situation. I don't think I would ever have dated anyone with "custody issues". It's just so much drama. But a widower? Someone who gave a kid up for adoption as a teenage? things like that....I guess maybe.
Before my current husband, I dated and was engaged to a man who had a child...the child's mother very involved and I was not in a "mommy" position by any means (I was also 20). I was not ready for that. We broke up for other reasons that had nothing to do with the child.
I don't want kids period. Not mine, not anyone's. Resounding no.
3 years ago I would have said NO WAY!!! But now I am engaged to a guy with a 7 year old son, and I wwouldn't change it, I do love to see how they interact, it's beautiful!
I don't see it as a constant reminder of his past relationships, actually i have never thought about it that way. Most of us have a relationship past when we get together with someone new, he just comes with an added extra. I certainly wouldn't rule it out if you were ever in that situation.
@MissTX: For me it's the same if he was a smoker, or in the military (I couldn't deal with him being gone all the time and combat). I had my list of things I would want/not want in a guy, and for me kids would be VERY high up on the "do not want" list. I'll just come out and say it: not only am I jealous and want to avoid drama with the mother, but it's because I'm selfish. In a relationship before we have our own kids, I want to be able to devote 100% of myself to my SO, and I want the same from him. If he had a kid, of course the split would be something like 70-30, kid-me, and that's both expected and the definitely the way it should be! But for me personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.
It all depends. Right now i would think its not for me though. My biggest issue would be if he had an ex from hell who we had to share the kids with. I wouldnt deal well with that. But anyhoo i dunno.
I answered No. I've total respect for anyone who does date someone with children, and know friends that are in this situation, and I'm not against it at all, but when I was single I always avoided getting involved with someone who has a child, I just think dating is hard enough without the added pressure of an instant family.
All that said, if I was in my 30s and 40's + and dating I'd be a lot more open and realistic about the fact a potental partner may well have children from a previous relationship. I'm more than certain that feeling on this stem from the chas and stress that arised when my dad met my stepmum.
I know you said you weren't trying to offend anyone, but how could you not offend someone who is in this situation? It's like saying "Oh, I would never date XX kind of person, I just couldn't do it. But could you?" Like, why even ask?
My husband got his ex pregnant when they were 17. They used the pull out method which failed. He was supportive, although she was crazy, and wanted to make it work. He joined the military a year later so he would always have a steady income and could provide for her, because as a child his parents struggled. The day he went to bootcamp his baby momma decided she couldn't do it and basically said "eff you." She strung him along for 2 years while he tried to make it work for their daughter and she told him to go kill himself, literally. Around the 2 year point is when we reconnected, after not speaking for about 4 years. We started dating, I was fully aware of the situation. I am now married and have a 4 1/2 year old step daughter. Would I not marry the man of my dreams because an accident happened and he had a crazy ex? No. Yes the drama is hard and yes it was difficult at first to see her and have a constant reminder of his past relationship, but at the end of the day it is worth it and his daughter is beautiful and I will love them both no matter what.
Normally, I wouldn't but now that I have a decent job and find I actually do like kids I might consider it. Circumstances would be the decision maker. Like why is there a child and who is it with and what do you expect from me with the child....
My biggest thing about this is... 10yrs down the road and you are the a single mom and you are back on the dating scene? Then what? Don't rule out a great guy just because he has a kid.
I don't want children, so no. I wouldn't even consider it; I just wouldn't be compatible with them, I would have zero desire to have any involvement in their child's life, which would be unfair to both them and their child, and so it just wouldn't work.
I don't think it's offensive. I also couldn't/wouldn't date someone who was very religious, as I am a strong atheist, and our beliefs just would not be compatible.
It's a non-issue now, obviously, but I would not have. I do not want children and I dont' want anybody else's children, either. That was one of my dealbreakers.
Maybe I'm weird, but I'd actually consider it a plus. I would definitely date somene with a child and I think it would actually attract me to them. Of course, it would bring new complications to our relationship, but if they already had a child I could see immediately what kind of parent they were, and know that they were mature, responsible, caring, etc. I think I definitely have room in my heart to love someone else's child like it were my own.
Similarly, if I were ever to be back on the dating scene (god forbid) I think I'd look for someone who had also been married before. I wouldn't rule out non-married people, of course, but I'd like to know that my potential partner knows what it's like to be married and to be a partner and has a certain level of experience.
Personally, I'd rather be single than in a relationship with someone with a child, so that doesn't bother me at all.
Why settle for someone you're not compatible with?.. I personally have never felt like I 'need' to be in a relationship, so would never settle for 'second best' just for the sake of it.
I've never wanted kids of my own, so no I wouldn't. I went on one date with a guy (it never would have worked out anyway) and when I found out he had a kid, I told him it would be our last. I just don't want to have to deal with that kind of burden. I have been with my husband since I was 20, so luckily I only had to deal with it the one time
Can I just thank everyone for how civil this has been? I know it's a touchy subject, but I've liked hearing everyone's opinion.
@MissTX: How is it offensive if a person like myself has dealbreakers? I never wanted kids, and still don't, so why would I put myself in a situation to date someone who has them? My 3 deal breakers while dating was no one in the military, no kids, and no one who had been married before. Those are my dealbreakers, and if that offends someone, well then they weren't meant for me in the first place. I found someone who agrees with all my dealbreakers
I dated a guy with 2 kids at one point and after that experience I swore I wouldn't do it again. My reasons however, were because I fell in love with his kids and stayed in that relationship longer than I should have because of his children.
Then I met DH he has a son who I love and adore. His ex-wife situation sucks and is totally insane (it was not this way when we met). At times I do think it makes our life very tough, but I wouldn't change it. I love both of them so much.
He stays with us the majority of days so I do play a big part in his life. DH works 2nd shift and I stay home, so I play a motherly role in his life. I don't see his son as a reminder of his relationship, but at times dealing with her brings up some of his past faults which I don't like.
Both my SO and I have a child from a previous relationship, so Yes for me. His daughter is 16 (was 14 when we started dating) and my son is 3 (1.5 when we started dating). We both had a moment where he questioned whether he wanted to start over basically with a toddler and I wasn't sure what my role would be with his daughter since she was almost grown, but we've worked it out. The kids get along wonderfully, despite the age difference, and it makes us each more understanding of the other b/c we understand the committment to our children. If just one of us had a child, it might be more difficult, though.
I've never been in that position, and it's been a long time since I was "looking"(started dating FI at 16/17), so it hard to know for sure, but I don't think I'd have a problem with it, as long as the guy was interested in having more kids (with me, obviously).
When I was younger, I would have said no, simply because I knew I wasn't ready to be a parent. Now, I'm still young (26), but I think I'd be more prepared and capable. Also, for me, if he was a good father, it'd definitely be a point in his favor!
Well, I get to be both sides of the fence. When I initially met DH he didn't have a child. I went away for a summer, and when I got back, we started dating. Shortly there after, he found out he was going to be a father. Surprise! BUT by that point, I was already pretty head over heels for him and my gut instinct kept telling me to stay despite my head saying "Are you nuts?!" It hasn't all been peaches and roses, believe me, and I sure as heck still have selfish days when I just don't want to worry about any of it or check in with someone else before making weekend plans or try to plan a vacation. It makes it really difficult sometimes, you don't have a lot of freedom or flexibility if you're not all on the same page. That being said, since we've been married, my stepson's mom seems to be a lot more on board with the team effort and we've all been getting along well.
Outside of that though, my stepson is a good kid. He's scary smart and pretty easy to be around! He's like any kid and has flare ups, but as he's getting older they're fewer and fewer. We're lucky :)
I think in a lot of ways, it's actually been a blessing for us. DH and I got to figure out our parenting style and sort out our "rules", make sure we were on the same page before having our own kids. We're pros before having our own 24/7! It's going to be hard going back to having a wee one though since my stepson is nearly 6. Diapers... Crying... Late nights... Early mornings.... Oiy.
I also think I'm very lucky that I've been in my stepson's life since he was born. It's really unusual, and our relationship has definitely grown over the years, but I think both he and I are lucky that he can't ever remember a time without me being part of his life.
If a friend were to meet someone with a child though, I would tell them to think it through long and hard. It's a lot of stress, a lot of consideration of other people, not just the child. You have the bio-mom, and her family/support network that comes into the picture too. If you can't commit to being a part of that child's life, then it's not fair to come into it only to leave a few months later. I've probably had some of the hardest days of my life regarding our situation, but I'm also thankful for them because they've brought DH and I closer together than I ever imagined. I know though that we're very fortunate and that a lot of other couples likely could not have made it through what we have.
Just my $0.02 from a stepmom who's still learning and trying :)
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