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Short answer, is yes, I probably would do it. DH and I enjoy a good car ride, and are usually willing to do favours for our families because they do even more for us.
But, it definitely sounds like you guys have some background stuff going on that needs to be worked out.
Yikes! You seem to have a little resentment built up here. Here's what I feel-To answer-yes, do this favor, go along for the ride or drive. think of it as time to get to know your your new sister-in-law. (Someday, you may need her to babysit-or worse, take in your MIL in her old age-build up the brownie points now!)
This is not just his family, anymore. This is now your family, too. Treat it the same way you would if it were your own mother, or sister, asking this favor of you. Even if you think its stupid, and a waste of your time, in the end you will be doing a good thing. Plus you get to have your guy to yourself on the drive back, and that can be a romantic drive if you let it be.
@SandyThePoet: Problems I wouldn't be going along for the drive.
I would have to DRIVE and be The Driver and USe my car. And pay for the gas. And pay for time. And the car ride is never romantic: he sleeps. And all are fights happen with driving.
One of my main issues right now is that No One *asked* me to do this. Not his mom or even DH. When it clearly has to be me to do it.
Side note: If she's 15 then she might as well stick it out for Gold Award. As well as Girl Scouts isn't just about selling cookies- it enforces helping out the community, volunteer work, and helping younger girls out as well as being a social activity. Girl Scouts goes all the way up to Senior year- she isn't getting too old for it.
OK, I am passive aggresive probably. I would say no thanks, I wont ride with you and I have plans for MY car that he cant drive. I would tell him upfront that I dont trust his car that far and to tell his parents that he cant drive his sister because its not reliable and we cant afford to fix it or tow it. End of Story.
I wouldn't do it either ... they need to make better arrangements for their daughter, 4-5 hours of driving just to play taxi is not my idea of a fun weekend.
There shouldn't be an expectation that you play taxi, on your dime and at your cost. Sure it would be nice for you to do it, and I probably would ONLY if there was not a feeling of entitlement by your MIL or your husband or his sister. Once that enters the picture, all bets are off and I would NOT do it as a matter of principle.
One question - what does DH stand for? Something Husband?
Ouch! I would be annoyed too and I would put my food down and say, "sorry, I had plans".
I dont get along with my FMIL at all and she is also very manipulative and bossy so I understand your position. Considering your MIL doesnt help you out very much I would say no, dont do the favour for her. I wouldnt let your DH use your car either.
BUT, if you want to have a better relationship with your MIL then this may be a good time to extend the olive branch?
DH = Darling husband
Hmmm interesting situation. You are married but yet it seems that you want to keep everyhting seperate. His money is your money now and your money is his. Paying you back for the honeymoon just sounds ridiculous.
If DH said he would drive his sis, let him drive his sis, stay out of it. Enjoy some alone time.
It seems like you have alot of issues with both your DH and his family.
To answer your question, yes, I would make the drive because they are your family and thats what you do.
I probably would...this time at least. Can you make your husband drive your car? At least that way he can't sleep the whole way there and back...And tell him to ask them for gas money too.
I would probably ask my DH for the parents to pay for a rental car and tell them you don't think either of your cars are reliable enough. The least they can do it pay for gas.
If you allow it this time, watch out - this isn't the last time sis is going to need a ride to girl scouts!
Maybe you could think of it as helping your new sister in law. It seems like you do hold a lot of resentment towards your mother in law. Just a reminder but she was not obligated to pay for your wedding, it's a bonus if parents help but defintely not something they are required to do.
I think you should do like some of the other bees suggested and let your husband take your car and drive his sister home. Enjoy the few hours to yourself, he'll be home before you know it.
Maybe this act of kindness will make your relationship with her better. You will never regret being the bigger person.
@SapphireSun: Seconded.
@starry: It definitely sounds like this is only a symptom of a bigger problem. My advice would be to do it this weekend and then sit down and have a talk when tempers aren't high - money, his reliability and the relationship with your in-laws were the ones to jump out at me.
If DH said he would drive his sister, let him drive his sister in his car. You should take your car and do whatever you want.
It sounds like you and DH have other issues to work out like communication over money and family expectations. You seem very frustrated with DH and MIL - talk to DH and hopefully this will avoid issues down the road.
@starry: I think it's hard to get used to expectations that in-laws have, which are very different from how your own family works. My MIL is extremely different from my family. It is really hard to get used to it, because if my family did a lot of the things she does, it would be considered very rude. It seems like your MIL is the same way. Try your best to remember they are different and this likely isn't a big deal to them as it is to you.
If it were me, I would sit down with my husband and discuss this calmly. Explain your concern about both of your cars and the cost, as well as his safety. Tell him you are worried about fighting since driving always seems to be the point of contention.
And consider: if this was my family, would I do it for them? When I'm mad about something my MIL asks for, I always say this to myself to help figure out what to do!
It depends, is this just a one time thing b/c MIL didn't manage to make other arrangements or couldn't come down this one weekend? I've been so busy at work, I barely have the desire to schedule anyone to come over to my house and that doesn't even involve me going anywhere! So I totally understand you not wanting to waste half your weekend playing taxi, for that reason alone I would want to say no.
Are you more upset at MIL or DH? If this were happening with me, I think issue would be with DH. MIL has ever right to ask her son if she can do her a favor, DH should have consulted you, especially if that means he has to take your car. Just from what you've said, I would let him take my car and drive her home, but would not go with him. If your parents are on the way up, I'd stop in and say hi for a few hours... or at worse, just stay home and do your lesson planning and relax in a quiet house. You can still use his car if you need to run some errands or go anywhere close by right?
I also agree with PPs about having some built up resentment regarding money. Sounds like you have put a lot of money into the relationship and support you two and trying to use it against him right now and that's not fair. Did you know going into the wedding you would be footing the bill? If so, and you were ok with it back then, its really not fair to try use that against him (and his family) now. Sometimes I forget that too when I think about how the downpayment for our house basically all came from me, and I feel like I've been paying all the mortgage and taxes (though he pays for bills and all the other really big expenses), but then I think back to the feeling when we were trying to buy our house and I didn't have any issues with it. It's easy to want to use the fact that we put more money into it against the other person when upset at other things. If you're upset about one thing (MIL, car, driving), try not to bring in other things (like the money) to justify it.
Like previous Bees have mentioned, I think the car ride is the least of your troubles. If you feel like you are maintaining your husband, that's going to lead to doom. And if you chose to spend your life savings on your wedding then you've got to own up to that decision since after all only you made it. I would drive her. And on the car ride back I would have my husband stay awake and talk through all of this.
I'd do it this time (and try to enjoy the time with your husband), but ask him to ASK you first next time and communicate why the situation is frustrating for you.
As a fellow teacher, I hear you about the lost time, especially if YOU have to be the driver, since your DH failed to renew his AAA. I agree with PPs that there are deeper issues at hand. For this particular situation, this is what I would do:
If your DH doesn't agree to these things, tell him that he will need to use another car (not his, for safety reasons) & another driver (or rent a car & buy the insurance on it for him to drive it). After SIL is out of the house, have another conversation about his goals, your goals, & how you will both work on reaching each together as a couple...there seems to be a lot of resentment about money & responsibilities. Maybe if you talk about where you both want to be & how the steps you both intend to take to get there, you'll clear up some of these other issues moving forward. I wouldn't bring up past disappointments/broken promises, but that's me. Good Luck & please keep us updated!
I also wanted to add that I notice that you've only been married a little over a month. Sometimes it takes a while to adjust to sharing life with someone (I know it took me a while :-P). Your husband may not have even thought about asking you first because this is still pretty new for him. If you communicate with him about it and give him a little time, it might help
Your question is "Would you do this for your MIL?" and my response is yes, in a heartbeat.
I would go to the farthest ends of the earth for my MIL. She is the most incredible woman. She and my FIL didn't pay a dime for our wedding, didn't pay a dime for our honeymoon. She and FIL did watch our kids while we went on our honeymoon after our quickie last minute JoP wedding. I would NEVER expect ANYONE to pay for our wedding, JoP or otherwise.
I was almost 19 and pregnant and my MIL and FIL accepted and welcomed me into their family. They weren't embarrassed of me and have always been there for us and our kids. They've always been kind, caring, and fabulous to me. I would do anything for them at any time of day or night.
I understand you're upset that both your MIL and husband just assumed that this would be ok with you, and that is something you definitely need to talk about.
However, if I was in this situation, I would probably let my husband take my car. I mean if we're married isn't it really our car that I drive? Also if your husband's car is old, wouldn't you prefer that he is safe and doesn't break down, so you don't have to go pick him up?
I'm also a teacher, so I understand how hard you work to get things done. But, if you're FI was going to be gone at least 5 hrs, couldn't you get your lesson plans done then? Then use the left over time for some "me" time, which sounds like something you could use. When your husband returns you have Saturday night and Sunday to have some quality time together.
I agree there are a lot of historical issues in here.
1st - Let the wedding thing go. They didn't offer to pay, they aren't obligated to, and you shouldn't hold it over their head for the rest of your life.
2nd - You and your husband need to work out some more "we" things. Everything in your post referenced your car versus your husbands car, and your money versus his money, etc. You guys need to figure out a way to function as a couple.
Lastly, the issue at hand with driving the SIL. I agree it doesn't sound like this is going to be a one time type of thing. I am with you, my weekend time is very valuable to me. Can your husband take your car while you have some quiet time at home to do work? If you go, can he do the driving so you can work in the car. Additionally, I would mention (nicely) to your MIL that you are more than happy to do this errand this once, but it really takes a lot of your time and your car is not reliable to be making this trip frequently. End the conversation politely asking if she could help with gas money (even if its not the whole thing, maybe half which I know isn't fair but still would help you out).
I have a beasty MIL so I would say no, can't do it, we have plans. My MIL lives 7 hours from us one way, so a total of 14 hours. She always would demand my DH home, when she caused all the issues after our engagement, she didn't ask us to come there and work things out, she DEMANDED us there and expected us to drop our lives to drive 14 hours to "work" issues out that SHE created. We both said NO WAY NO HOW, we have BETTER things to do.
That being said, if this was for any other person, like my family, or friends or someone who actually cared and welcomed me into their life, then 100% I would take the ride with my car and pay for the gas. All those things wouldn't matter if you didn't have ill feelings for your MIL and the situation.
I think your DH needs to understand where your coming from and the feelings that your feeling about your MIL, the situation, and even the money part of it that you are feeling taken advantage of by not only HER but him , and he is the last person you should feel that way with.
I agree with the last post about establishing more of the "we" things, but I do understand that your feeling that he isn't contributing to anything and that is why there is no " we". For awhile I felt that way sometimes about my DH before we got married, I had bought a house before I met him but I always sometimes felt I was paying more for things like when we went out. When I really looked it I would normally get that when when I was down or sad and had nothing to do with him, I would just get in a mood. I think now that your married you really need to take on the WE role more, but so does he. He can't just assume that you or even he can take the car and do the drive, he needs to check in with you as your his team now, his partner and vs versa.
Considering your MIL didn't actually ask you to do it...I would say no. There is a LOT more going on here than just being a taxi driver, but you are clearly not comfortable with the situation and need to say something.
First you MUST address the problem with your DH. He didn't ask if he could use your car. It's one thing to say "babe, MIL has asked if I can drive my sister home after girl scouts. You know I haven't renewed my AAA and I don't think my car will make it, is it okay if I use yours?" It's completely another to say "he needs to drive his sister back to his parents' house 2.5 hours away next Saturday" and that I "can come" if I "want."
I do not like when people assume that because you are married everything is joint. Money, possessions etc. Sure that might be the "norm" but it's not for everyone. If Mr. G wanted to use my car, he would need to ask. Yes we're not married yet, but still, even when we are he would need to ask. Just as I would never assume it's okay to take his car without asking.
Back to the question: If a friend needed a ride, I would not ask for gas money. If a friend needed a ride every week that was taking 5 hours of time, and gas I would absolutely ask for gas money! Doing a favour is one thing. Being a taxi driver is another. It's not clear if this is a one time deal or not...? It appears MIL usually makes arrangements "Usually my MIL spends the night and brings her back or goes back and gets her" and this could just be a favour?
Regardless, there is more going on than a ride. Good luck!
I agree with the other posters that there seems to be alot of issues here, just not your MIL.
you need to speak to your husband about your money and car issues as someone had said there's alot of his versus yours, instead of we. i think you also need to speak to your husband about relationships with inlaws and how comfortable you are with doing favors for them and where the line is drawn.
As for your MIL, i think your husband should be the one to tell her whether your going to do this favour or not for her. It seems like she had asked him possibly not knowing that his car can't do that distance. not necessarily trying to avoid asking you or go over you.
lastly if you don't want to do it, i think thats fair. but i'd definitely talk to your husband about your comfort zone for doing things for your inlaws, so he doesn't accept future tasks from them in which you may not want to do.
AS annoying as your MIL is for asking this favor in the first place and the way she asked it, I think the issue here is between you and your DH. Obviously you have money issues that haven't been worked out as well as setting boudaries with your in-laws. If I were you, I would be upset that my DH came to me asking if I would join him on Saturday and not asking if it was an option for him to drive his sister in the first place. IMO it's ridiculous for your MIL to ask this of him and she's clearly taking advantage.
For what I read, you have no outside relationship with you MIL other then through your DH. Unless she directly asked me something, like calling ME up to ask ME something, not relaying messages through DH or emailing ME directly, I would not do any sort of favor for her. I don't think that you are obliagted in any shape or form to do her this favor, especially since having some sort of a relationship with you doesn't seem very important to her.. Also, no parents are obligated to pay for a wedding, it's a choice. But if your MIl would never go out of her way for you, I wouldn't go out of my way for them.
In order to do a favor without resentment, I run through the following:
Don't do something you weren't asked to do.
Don't do something someone else should do for themself.
Don't do something because you feel sorry for someone.
Don't do something you don't want to do.
It also really annoys me when people assume I will do something/don't have plans, etc. When this happens, I let the person know I have other plans. For this, I would do what PP said- tell FH that you have plans which require your car.
I think you need to have a good long talk with your DH about finances and mutual respect before you worry about your MIL. It sounds like there's a lot he's taking for granted right now.
Yikes you seem to have a lot of issues here... and they dont all seem to be steered towards the MIL. If the wedding was a financial issue why didn't you bring it up before the I do's? You yoursef said he is out of work...so clearly he couldn't pay you back now if you tried.
Maybe the MIL isn't thinking you guys being a couple now and what is his is yours and whats yours is his... so, she may not have thought to ask you. However, this was not her place to ask you. When she brought it up with her son it is his repsonsiblity to discuss it with YOU his wife. Not his mother job.
The situation could have been handled... you need to talk to your hubby and let him know how you feel- I know the Hive it great, but it seems like this is something only you can fix by talking with your man.
I wish you well, (honey I know sometimes we just need to vent) Now, that you got it all out take care of business!
@starry: Maybe once every 3 months or so but not every weekend. I can't put my life and plans on hold to be transportation backup. No thanks. If I wanted my life to revolve around someone else I would have my own kid. Seriously.
For the record, I probably wouldn't do it either. Or I would do it this one time, but never again, because it's not fair to just drive people around for 5 hours when you are newlyweds and not even in the same town.
But it does sound like there are some innerlying issues that you need to discuss with your husband. You need to tell him how you feel about how involved his mother is, and how she seems to control the situations. It also seems like you need to talk to him about money issues and work those things out. I can tell from your vent that you and he need to be on the same page. It wouldn't hurt to just sit down and tell him why you're so angry about this, and talk about anything else that has been bothering you. Hopefully he will receive it well and think for you better in the future!
*Sort of* a vent? Umm, this is the definition of a vent! :D Ha ha!
Obviously it makes you mad thinking of spending your time that way. Your hubs volunteered to do it, so let him go and do it himself. Having you along for the car ride in a sour mood is not going to be fun in the end. Pack him some snacks for the road and a nice road trip CD to be a sweet wife, but you don't have to waste your Saturday sitting in a car since he didn't ask you before making the commitment.
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My new DH just informed that "he needs to drive his sister back to his parents' house 2.5 hours away next Saturday" and that I "can come" if I "want." So that would be 4 or 5 hours of driving.
Well here's the thing:
His family moved, yet the siblings are still in Girl and Boy scouts down here. Doesn't make sense. Here's a thought: join scouts up there! Or, have the scouts friends people drive her back. Usually my MIL spends the night and brings her back or goes back and gets her. Her daughter is a bit old for girl scouts, anyways(almost 15).
For one thing, MIL didn't ask ME if I could please drive her daughter back on MY Saturday. DH didn't ask ME if I could drive her back, either. However, DH can't take his own car because it is very old. He also doesn't have triple A. She also didn't offer to pay for gas money, etc. It just cost me $600 just to fix my car recently, so it's not like there's no wear and tear on my newer car(it's 6 yrs old). DH just assumed I would do this for his parent. But like I said, you should be asking me nicely if you want me to do such a task of playing taxi cab long distances with my car.
Why should I do something for her when they didn't help pay for our recent wedding at all and it cost $15000 or more, not even the honeymoon? DH didn't pay more than $800 and has no intentions of paying me back for the honeymoon or anything(although he had promised), and he still doesn't pay for anything for us financially really. (He isn't working right now due to a surgery recovery, but he still has some decent money.)
If she wants me to do this, she should be talking to me and asking me nicely to do this chore, which she didn't. So should DH. She hasn't talked to me at all since the wedding really and whenever she comes over here she touches/moves all my things in my apartment(which we still live in unfortunately since I basically paid for all the wedding stuff). She should work on building a relationship with me before she starts demanding tasks like these. She likes to talk to me only to like give advice/tell what to do, find out info. about her son, or talks to her son when she wants something from him(his words).
My stubborn DH didn't even renew his AAA recently(I will look into a joint one when I have time), so if his car dies, it's up a creek.(It wouldn't start recently and its very very old. It overheats, etc. He mostly just drives it to the gym and that's all.) I'm not going to come rescue him in the middle of nowhere for this journey. I guess she assumed his car would be good enough to drive it up there. (His dad really shouldn't have talked son into getting such a bad/old car.) Or she thought I would do it and use my car. I really don't know.
I'm usually really exhausted from the work week lately(I'm a teacher) and already have to do work on the weekend, My detailed Lesson Plans(literally takes 2 or more hours!). I feel like this would be a waste of my weekend. And she didn't even ask me to do this. Like who knows if we would drive back or stay the night at their house if we did that. But I literally don't want to drive up there on a Saturday afternoon or evening just to return the following day or that night. Um, no. Anyways, I am not a taxi cab.
My parents live about half that distance on the way(1 hr). If he's going to leave me that weekend to do that then I'll just go home for the weekend. DH doesn't like that idea either. He wants me to *come with him* to do this stupid chore of driving his sister back and forth.
She's a very manipulative controling woman. (My own family/parents can't stand my MIL and really wanted not much to do with her during our wedding and wedding planning. They purposefully stayed on separate floors from her in the hotel that weekend.) and as you can see, I am not in the best of moods right now(I have seasonal depression and haven't been able to use my *lightbox* recently because it was giving me major headaches..which is also why I am super tired lately, plus I've been sick). It's not like they do endless favors for us. Plus, most of our arguments(DH and I) are only in the car and have to do with driving.
Sorry this is some sort of vent.