Post # 1
Just a question. How would you feel if the whole engagement ring issue was looming overhead (as it is with many women here in waiting) and you two were both guests at a wedding of a close friend?
Since I made T promise NOT to speak of it anymore (weddings or wedding planning things) until we ARE engaged, it might be a bit awkward. Like the elephant in the room nobody wants to talk about.
One thing does stink..know my coworkers are all going to possibly have a drink, loosen up and then ask him "hey, we sure thought you two would be finally engaged by now". I am DREADING that. And I am NOT going to try to catch any bouquet right now. I know they will try to deliberately toss it to me also. NOT something I really want to do right now.
We are definitely getting married, but the elephant in the corner of the room has made me somewhat miffed in general as of late since earlier this year he went on and on about us getting married THIS summer. (aint’ gonna happen..right now if he asked me due to life stuff and house contracts etc, I’d say summer 2010). I am going to just be focusing on having fun and helping my friends out on their big day and wishing them well. But THAT DARN ELEPHANT!!!
Post # 3
I really understand where you’re coming from as far as the elephant in the room goes. Just keep remembering that it’s really about you and your guy. Coworkers, family, friends can all sometimes stir the "engagement" soup when it’s not necessary, but in the end we can’t control them. All we can do is prepare for the worst, most uncomfortable comments and deal with them as best we can.
Honestly, I would feel uncomfortable going to the wedding – you’re not alone. However, you should still go. What I have done in the past is just been honest with my boyfriend. I’ve mentioend to him that I’m concerned that some comments might be made that frustrate me/us because its’ our business, not others. I always ask him how he would wish to handle them – we come up with an answer together that we just stick with. Then, if it happens, we know exactly how to deal. If nothing is said, it doesn’t hurt that we were prepared.
We’re going to TWO weddings this summer of friends of ours – both dated less time than us, both got engaged AND married…and we’re not engaged. My best friend who dated less than us also got engaged about 2 months ago, so I definitely understand the feelings that you are dealing with. A while back he told me that by the time we go to the weddings this summer we’ll be going as an engaged couple – I just don’t know when he’s planning to propose, but that’s what keeps me hanging in there through the irritating little comments.
Anyway – try talking to your guy. If you present this as you’re being proactive to head off a situation rather than complaining about not being engaged, he should respect you for trying to avoid/deal with a potentially uncomfortable situation.
Post # 4
I totally understand your feelings on the subject and where you are coming from. I dated my guy over 4 years before we got engaged while I watched countless friends who dated less time get married before us.
After going to several weddings last summer and complaining to my mom about how hard it is to face the dreaded "When are YOU guys getting engaged" questions she offered some great words of advice. She said do you love your man? Does he love you and your daughter and treat you well? The answer to both was YES! She reminded me that our love for each other is what matters, that marriage is not a race to the altar or a competition. All relationships are on their own timelines. The next time I had to go to a get together with old friends and knew I was going to get grilled by them, I took a deep breath and locked eyes with my now fiance and new that it would all work out for us on OUR time. And you know what? Although it took my fiance a bit longer to pop the question, when he did it was perfect timing for us.
Hope that helps!
Post # 5
Like plaid1352 said, talk to your guy before you go and maybe come up with a party line that you can both say to people asking. We went to many (ugh, so many!) weddings before we got engaged and each one had more and more "Soooo…..when’s it your turn?" moments. I told him before each one that I can’t control what people will say to me and I, in turn, will be honest with my responses (aka "Yeah, I know, right?! What’s he waiting for? *wink wink*") His grandmother even grabbed him by the shoulders at his cousin’s wedding and said that just because the milk is free, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t buy the cow (should I have been insulted? 🙂 )
Good luck during the wedding season and don’t beat yourself up over talking about it with people. Allow yourself to relax and just be diplomatic to all comments coming your way.
Post # 6
I can understand your situation. Me & my guy- together for 10 years. Lived together for 4 of those. His sister was already proposed to TWICE. His brother got married. His other brother eloped. When was he going to propose?!
I was bitter & out of patience.
But then, it happened last October. And to be honest, I felt really ashamed for giving him a hard time, for crying over it in front of him.
But it’s really hard to act ‘happy’ for others when you’re wishing it was the two of you.
Post # 7
Well, if it makes you feel any better (or at least gives you a laugh), a few years ago, I attended a wedding having just broken things off with my fiance at the time. No one there knew we had broken up because we didn’t want people to pay attention to us instead of the wedding. So we went as dates, as we normally would have. I caught the bouquet. He caught the garter. Couldn’t get any more awkward than that!
Post # 8
Thanks so much. I do feel a bit awkward and just stayed in last night thinking about things. Plus I just wanted a good nights’ sleep if I could have that (am on call this weekend). Btw, Rhiannon that is hilarious/ironic. Now is he still the fiance? If so that’s gotta be one story told at your wedding!
We’ve talked alot about things, and he , HE is the one who began one year ago about now letting everybody know we’d be getting married so I feel absolutely strange. I’ve been told it is on the way, and am honestly not worrying about the white elephant anymore. I’ve aired my grievances w/him and told him what I was feeling. I felt his words and actions didn’t mesh (since he’d earlier say we were going to get married THIS summer (said since winter and late fall last year). But being AT a wedding together now is wierd. Just is.
I’m going to only focus on my friends and having fun with them. If anybody starts on the "when are you two…I thought you two were.." stuff, I’m going to say a quick "Let’s not GO there today let’s focus on x and x ok?" that will be my standard answer. Either that or "its a private matter". Again, I am going to celebrate THEIR day and help make it for them as good as possible.
I think that now summer’s knocking on the door, that I just feel way let down. It was him saying all along a different tune. So I’m home, having a cup of coffee right now, ordering some flowers for my grandma’s 87th birthday, and then going for a very long walk.
Post # 9
Well we’ve had a talk and all is ok! We have a plan how to avoid this "stuff". This brought up a very important discussion that was eye opening..I guess I just don’t think as a guy does apparently.
And just a minute ago we got off the phone and now he’s confused b/c of something I told him about work re the craziness of the schedule. At first we were discussing earlier this year of marrying this summer and then my craziness of work (understaffed, being split into 3 different locations and told we couldn’t take vacations) made him get confused a bit. He thought I COULDN’T take off at all this summer or move or do anything..so that was something I didn’t know has caused this "pause" of ring-dom.
Now he knows that I have a definite time I need and the longer the better actually. So he’s good with that. He said "can I ask you a question? I know we can’t talk "wedding" anymore until we’re engaged, but can you clarify for me your timeline you’d like and can I tell you what I feel about it and ask you maybe when you’d like to be married and how long do you want it to be? We’ve touched on the subject and I thought I knew but when I thought I knew next thing I did find out was your job problems fell into the mix and it’s honestly very confusing."
So yes, we’re going to get married for sure. And tonight I am going to give the man DEFINITE answers to his very good questions. And as for tomorrow? We’ll weather it fine. He said "well I am glad maybe we’re not officially engaged right now. you’d have the prettiest ring in the entire place, bride incuding and it might not be good to steal any thunder."
I am GOOD with that!
Post # 10
*UPDATE* Just got in and it went great! It could not have been better for the wedding. The rain held off and it went well. The bride was lovely and my coworker the groom was handsome!
Very lovely, intimate wedding and I loved it! We had a blast..and NONE of my friends/coworkers MENTIONED THE E WORD ONCE!!! I think they also know it’s a sore subject w/me. T was fine..and I got AMAZING pics of he and my son today, a few which I’ll share on my other thread.
Wierd thing is this…I didn’t even THINK of the E while at the wedding. We were all crossing our fingers that the bride’s parents would show as they weren’t happy with things at all..she’s Indian, he’s caucasian. They wanted her to marry an Indian guy..but LOVE PREVAILS!!!
We were all crossing our fingers the rain wouldn’t continue, and it didn’t just in time 🙂
Her parents CAME and while they weren’t the happiest in the world, they came and I believe it’s the beginning of healing and two families coming together. The wedding was at a gorgeous historic home in Duluth and we had such a good time. Very very warm and intimate, maybe 50 people.
I think when you remove YOU from the picture it always turns out good..the focus being on giving love and happiness to others.
But T did say this.."I can’t wait until well..you know..there’s a few things I’d like to be different though". I have total faith. Know it’s coming. And when it does? I know those who love me too will be happy, loving and supportive just as they were today for our friend.
So all this has turned out GREAT!
Post # 11
Uggh. I hated dealing with these types of questions. It is so rude that people think it’s OK to stick their noses into your relationship timeline.
My situation was a bit different, because FH was the one chomping at the bit to get engaged, and I was the one holding off. But the questions are no less annoying coming at them from that angle.
What we always said was that we had other relationship priorities at the moment and that marriage wasn’t our number one concern at that time. Then I usually acted a bit snotty and implied that the askers were shallow for assuming that love was all about a ring. That usually shut people up right away.
Post # 12
Yay! I’m glad it all worked out so well!
Post # 13
🙂 Glad it worked out!
I was in my sister’s wedding a year ago. One of the flower girls (about 5 years old) was obviously thinking about marriage while riding in the limo to the ceremony, and stated (totally out of the blue) … "if you love somebody, you should marry them". after aww-ing a bit at that, my sister said, go tell that to (mr mechie)! I just laughed it off, and have found it to be the best reply… that or to say, "I know, right?!" 🙂
Post # 14
Aw, we are all so happy for you that the day did not turn for the worse! It sounds like you all had a great time. I know for me that the time leading up to when my FI proposed was so exciting. I loved day dreaming about how he might do it, and I luuuuuuuuuuuuved when he would say things that hinted at what he was thinking. It’s really so exciting, and sometimes brides to be worry so much that they miss this part of the fun! I’m so glad that you can see this in a positive light!! It’s coming!!!!!! 🙂
Post # 15
bellenga I was thinking of you this weekend. I’m glad to hear things went well and it sounds like some good communication is happening between you and your man 🙂
Post # 16
Thanks so much everybody. The wedding was lovely! We all had a good time. And once again, I got a planning comment from him. He said he wants to leave all the decor stuff up to me (and I nudged and said) and I said..let’s deal with that when my left hand is adorned ok?