Would you give DH/SO a baby/TTC date agreement?

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@candy11:  I don’t think this is a good idea at all. Communication is at the forefront of a relationship and signing a non-legally binding contract just seems silly to me. Married couples should be able to reach resolutions on their own and come to an agreement through trust and respect not one “forcing” the other to make a decision and sign a nominal piece of paper.

If it works for you two, then that’s great. It would not work for us.

Post # 4
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@MrsPanda99:  I completely agree with everything you said it would not a all work for us to me t would feel like pressure and would not be cool. BUT if it works for them then awesome. Though it may just make things worse.

Post # 5
Member
2193 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@candy11:  i personally would never do this to my husband. Our marriage is built out of respect and this screams disrespectful to me. I dont think having a child is something you should bully your husband into if he’s telling you he’s not ready you need to respect that fact and wait. It might be hard but he’s telling you he’s ready for a reason, i feel the same way about marriage timeline contracts. My oppionion my differ from other’s but i would never do that to my husband. 

Post # 6
Member
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

 

I wouldn’t do that. It just puts more pressure on an already stressful situation.

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@MrsSmith13:  Exactly. A child is not something that should be brought into a relationship by force or else the relationship won’t last…and if it does, it will be full of resentment and bitterness. If my FI isn’t ready, then he isn’t ready. I would work with him on whatever issue is preventing his readiness in the same way we resolve any other issue. I trust him and I don’t need a piece of paper as proof.

My FI does want kids though, like right this second. It is me who wants to wait awhile and he is okay with that because we discussed it and reach an agreement.

Post # 8
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’ve never done any sort of contract-thing, but I think you deserve him to give you a date or at least month that he feels he would be ready.  I can understand your thought that he says he isn’t ready now and that you don’t think he’ll ever feel ready.  My BIL (sister’s husband) was in that camp for many, many years, thus prolonging it for her as well.  So it’s more than fair to not just have to wait on an imaginery date that may never be brought up on its own.

Post # 9
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I actually disagree with your entire premise. Pushing for a commitment to a TTC date is bad news. Let him be ready on his own time. It’s one thing to push for an engagement date. As 2 consenting adults, you both know what you are getting into and if things go south it’s only the two of you getting hurt. But to push for a TTC date when you would be involving another human life should things go south, well that’s a whole other ballgame. He’ll be ready when he is ready, regardless of the date on the calendar. Let him be.

If you need support in being patient, there is a waiting to TTC thread and a shut-it-up pact-TTC edition thread that may be helpful to you.

Post # 10
Member
4526 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Before you guys got married, did you talk to him about kids?  did you both decide to wait a certain period of time?  I think if my DH were to do this to me, I would feel so offended and pressured and I would feel like he just didnt care of my feelings or whether am ready or not.  I wouldnt do this.   Does he even want to have kids?  Maybe you should you just have a heart-to-heart conversation with him about how you are feeling. 

Post # 11
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would not. While people might never be totally ready for the unexpected things that can happen when you have children, both parties should feel prepared and ready to tackle those unexpected issues. A contract is essentially giving him an ultimatum by saying “I am ready now, I expect you to be ready by X date” and he could end up agreeing to children before he is ready in fear of you leaving.

If this works for you, then great. But it seems easier to just revist the issue every couple of months rather than expecting his feelings to change by a certain date.

Post # 13
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lovekiss:  +1, except I don’t feel pushing for an engagement is wise either. Who wants to marry someone they had to force into it? Same goes for having a baby. It’s just not how I would want my relationship to function.

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@candy11:  My suggestion is to just talk to him. If he’s not ready, a piece of paper with dates on it isn’t going to change that. There may be a deeper issue that you need to get to the root of.

Post # 15
Member
3948 posts
Honey bee

@candy11:  What you need is a healthy conversation with your husband. what are the concerns, whats the plan to eliminate those concerns, etc.

There isnt always a magic date that someone will suddendly be ready by.

Post # 16
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

@candy11:  I would listen to what he is straight up telling you: he is not ready. Period. End of story.

There is no good outcome for this, he will either (1) be forced into something he isn’t ready for and that he communicated he isn’t ready for and resentment could build up towards you or his new role as father or (2) put enormous pressure on him and push it back even more than it is now.

I would highly recommend shredding that contract and acting like it never existed.

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