Post # 1
I could be hyper sensitive to this and this could be a rant, but I just find this behavior so rude.
So randomly my DH gets an email from his Aunt (on his Mom side of the family) saying she is going to be in town next week (I’ve never met her). The email I think was somewhat cold, no Hi how are you, how’s married life, how was your Holiday. This is the same Aunt and Uncle who said they were coming to the wedding and then when they found out their kids were not invited (due to budget and costs) they never sent back their RSVP and never responded when we reached out to them to ask them if they were coming. They never congratulated us, never sent a card, nothing, so when she wrote the email to my DH she again did not say anything about it or even ask how my DH was, just said “I will be in town next week with my co worker and would love to get to see you (no mention of my name or meeting me for that matter) and then she said I sure do hope you have time for me. My DH responded with “we could meet you next week, just let us know when so we can make arrangements to have our animals taken care of, and you will get to my wonderful wife”.
I’m sure she is going to judge me and report back to my crazy MIL, and I’m also sure she is going to bring up my MIL and reference to us. I asked my DH what he would respond with and he said he will be blunt with her and tell her that due to her behaviors and what she did leading up to the wedding and the wedding that she is not welcome in our life, I just wonder if I should even go, and just have my DH deal with it, but I know my DH really wants me to go. He was excited at first that ANYONE in his family reached out to him because his mother got the entire family turned on us, he was never close with his family like that but when your aunts and uncles don’t come to the wedding but even worse, don’t acknowledge it or even send a card, IMO is cold. And I think it’s rude for his Aunt to now out of the blue email him and expect him to make a point to meet her and not even invite me along.
What would you all do? Go? Not go? Am I reading too much into this?
HAPPY! FRIDAY ALL!
Post # 3
I would go for two reasons:
One – to show a united front with DH and to let his aunt (and the entire family know) that you are a unit and you are not intimidated by anyone who wants to be negative influences on your lives.
Two – It could be a good opportunity to connect with his relatives and if it goes well (as in, she doesn’t go all psycho) then it might be a way for DH to re-establish ties with relatives who can be positive.
But mostly for reason one. Kill ’em with kindness but maybe have an escape plan in place just in case – a code word or something so you can get out if things get awkward or she goes psycho…
Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
Post # 4
i understand that she was rude and hurt your dh’s feelings by not going to the wedding and ignoring you, but she’s reaching out now. why would he go meet her just to tell her she’s not welcome in his life?
i wouldn’t go meet someone who finally made an effort to connect just to say leave me alone. either do that by phone and don’t meet her, or let her try again and meet her. if she’s still not welcoming or if she’s rude when you’re together, then tell her she’s not welcome in your lives. it sounds like she wants another chance, so you and dh need to decide if she deserves it.
Post # 5
I would absolutely go. Honestly, I think you are reading too much into it and I think you want to be mad at her so you’re misinterpreting things.
You say her email was “cold” but from what you posted, it seems quite friendly to me. She said that she would “love” you meet up! Yes – she didn’t make any small chit-chat to start the email but many people view email as very informal and don’t often make small talk within in. They just make their point/ ask their question and leave it at that. I honestly don’t think her email sounds rude at all.
You also say that she didn’t want to meet with you but I also don’t see that at all. Just because she didn’t call you out by name doesn’t mean that her statements “love to get to see you” and “I sure do hope you have time for me” aren’t refering to a plural “you” as in both you and your DH. Again – a very common use of the word and its a word that it often isn’t obvious (especially over email) whether it is plural of singular. You’re reading it as singular because you want her to be being rude.
Yes – maybe there was some tension between you guys over the wedding (although I can understand an aunt and uncle’s disappointment in you guys choosing not to invite your cousins that is your choice but it is also their choice to decide to not attend because of it), it seems to me that the aunt is reaching out and trying to re-build the bridge. It’s kind of a slap in the face to ignore her attempts to make things right/better.
Post # 6
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! It may be hard, it may be awful, but in the end she won’t be able to report back that “His wife is never with him. His wife doesn’t care for the family. I travelled all that way and his wife couldn’t make time for me. His wife was too scared to meet me.” etc, etc.
This will probably be hard for your husband too and he will need your support. He has also already said that she can meet you and it would be rude to then not show up.
As @AnamCara: said, you want to show a united front and to kill them with kindness. Just be as nice and accommodating as possible in order to limit the negative things she can report. Ways to do this are to constantly ask about how she is, or how her children are. What do they do? How old are they? Are they well? How was Christmas? Especially if she wanted them to be invited to the wedding. Most people love to talk about themselves.
The best of luck, I’m sure that it will be fine, what’s the worst that can happen?
Post # 7
Kitzy- my comment about not being welcome in our life is about DH’s mother not about his Aunt. We know his Aunt is going to bring up the “issues” and I’m sure try to fish around. MY DH said if it’s brought up he is going to make sure she knows WHY we have no relationship with his mother, we know MIL has been telling a butt load of lies about what went down, I’m sure his family has no idea that she attacked me and FIL and the cops were called, DH isn’t going to go into THAT kind of detail, but just make it known that her behaviors are what caused this, not us. We haven’t spoken to my MIL since our wedding.
I agree, I do think that I read into it and I do over analyze his mothers side of the family a lot and how they respond to me because I’ve always gone out of my way for them, even the ones I don’t know, trying to form some sort of relationship. We could understand the Aunts and Uncles not coming to the wedding, but in his family because there are so many Aunts and Uncles and cousins, that when the cousins marry they don’t normally invite the cousins. My DH has cousin’s he doesn’t even know. 1 of his cousin’s got married 6 months before us and none if the cousin’s got invited and that was accepted and okay. But because his mother has such an issue with me and our relationship she caused the family to make an issue of over US not inviting everyone and got her family to turn on her own son/their nephew. That’s why I get senstive because I think it’s horrible that her family just follows her lead without ever thinking hmmm there is more to this. Crazy just doesn’t happen over night and MIL has been crazy for a very long time…LOL.
Thanks all for the advise, I am going to go and I am hoping we hit it off, but then again I also hit it off with MIL and had no problems and then she became my worst nightmare! 🙂
Post # 8
@AnamCara: I couldn’t agree with you more!
Showing a united front is so important, and also showing her that you’re not going to back down from where you stand in terms of your MIL is also very important. I think it’s great that she reached out to him, and his response to her was perfect. You should absolutely go and don’t let her scare you into not going.
Post # 9
I believe that no matter how horrible people can act sometimes, most are inheritly good so it’s really important to forgive if it seems like someone wants to be forgiven. Especially family. So I would say go, you are tied to this woman by marriage now. Let DH do the talking and deciding about what your relationship will be with her, but go to support your husband, don’t make him do it alone.
You never know, it could be a good meeting. Sometimes people don’t outright apologize because they feel awkward, but you can tell they’re sorry. Look for that and hope for the best. But if she disappoints you then you will know for sure she won’t be in your life anymore.
Post # 10
So glad you have decided to go. Showing his family you are a united front and possibly setting the record straight re:MIL could really help make positive steps to having a relationship with his family. Good luck!
Post # 11
@ams12:I think the response is a bit over the top. Why tell your family that they can not be a part of your life b/c the did not RSVP and come to the wedding? That’s a little dramatic. It’s family.
Post # 12
Soladylike – I’ve clarified this already, however, I never said we wanted to tell Aunt that she is not welcome in our life because they didn’t come to the wedding. I was saying that was going to be my DH response to her when she brought out my DH mother and we have not spoken to MIL.
Post # 13
I think you’re reading way too much into her message, and that it was not rude at all. Her actions surrounding your wedding were rude, yes, but not the letter. I see it as a “hey, i’m in town, let’s get together” casual message. I don’t think she was actually excluding you. Just because she didn’t specifically call you out doesn’t mean she was excluding you. She may just consider you and your husband a unit now, and didn’t feel the need to explain it. When I email my girlfriend back home that i’m in town, the email sounds much the same, and I fully expect to be hanging out with her and her husband!
Post # 14
I wouldn;t go but I run from family drama. I have an amazing immediate family but a crazy extended family. They are over-dramatic and like to stir up trouble. I don’t focus on them at all and I only see them when i have to
Post # 15
I didn’t read the rest of the responses but I think you should go and pretend like her rude behavior (with the RSVP) didn’t/doesn’t impact your happiness ONE BIT. I don’t think her email to your husband was all that strange (although, I understand why it would strike a cord).
If she starts to create drama, you can always up and leave.
I think your husband wrote the perfect response and think it’s nice that his aunt reached out to him.
I think you should really believe that she has good intentions, until she proves otherwise. You might even like her (and I’m guessing your husband will find a positive attitude from you about going supportive and helpful)