(Closed) would you have a baby shortly after engagement?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I completely understand where you’re coming from and babies are great, but something to think about- babies are time consuming and expensive.. is it doable to be in school and take care of a baby while your husband is leaving pretty often? I just think it would be REALLY difficult. I’m not telling you not to because I have no business telling you what to do, but I think you’ll find that you’ll be absolutely exhausted trying to be wonderwoman

Post # 4
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Is he being deployed to active war zones? If he was, I would wait until he comes back.

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would, but my FI would not be gone for the pregnancy.  I personally would wait until he’s home.  I cant imagine going through a pregnancy (and the hormones) by myself.  I would want him there at least for the later months of it.  Just me though.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Nope. I agree with OneLove04210, I can’t imagine going through a pregnancy alone. I freak out if my fiance is gone when I have the flu. He’s going to be around the entire pregnancy or else I don’t think i’d be able to go through with it. I would put the plans on hold until he gets back.

Post # 7
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would never have a child before I’m “settled”.  I’m married to a Marine and I would gather am older than you.  At 30, it’d be great to be settled down and plan out a family.  However, as long as it’s likely he’ll be going to war (he’s deploying in August), I can’t have a child.  Another Marine from his unit was killed in Afghanistan about a year and a half ago when his wife was pregnant with twins.  It really impacted me to watch her life and while I know she’s blessed to have that part of him with her forever, I couldn’t do it. 

If you’re married, you’ll be able to go with him if he changes duty stations (you should be able to go to Japan with him if it’s a full tour).  Additionally, it is not a great idea to assume he’ll be a Marine for 20 years.  Each service is down sizing and it’s very hard to reenlist. 

I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but as an ol’ lady both married to a Marine and working at the Pentagon, think long and hard.  Focus on your education, find a career you can have and then see where you are in a year or two.  Will he be deployed?  Will he be stationed somewhere like Hawaii or Italy?  Do you know what his income is like?  Will you have lived together as husband and wife both on his marine corps schedule and enough to learn about one another’s little habits? Would he be OK missing a pregnancy and possibly birth? Deployed Marines do not typically come home during 7 month combat deployments. 

These are things you should consider.  You have time to have children and hopefully in the near future the pace of deployments (or deployments at all!) will slow down or stop and we can all have a future without worrying about wills and powers of attorney.

Post # 8
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I’d be concerned about money while you are in college. Do you have a job now? Are you in your last year? Where do you live? How do you support yourself? My friend got pregnant her last year and had the baby after we graduated. She was able to finish, but she was and still is a woman who can do about 20things at once. They got married and are fine now and the baby is now 6.

I don’t see a problem with TTC. Not to be a Negative Nancy, you may not get pregnant on the 1st few tries, so you may not even get pregnant in those months. Maybe I’m different, but if my SO went to a war zone, I wouldn’t have a problem getting pregnant. If God forbid he died over there, I’d be glad to have that part of him, rather than nothing at all. (My SO was an active Army member, but is Reserve now.)

Good luck on what you decide!

Post # 10
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

@usmcgirl: Welcome!  I always think of the What If in situations. I think b/c I lost my dad 7yrs ago, you just never know how long you have with someone. Whether they be over seas or in the same house with you.

Good luck with TTC!

Post # 11
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honestly, I wouldn’t do it.  It will be so hard having the baby on your own and him not getting to see it grow up.  I think he would hate missing it all too.

Post # 12
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

*puts herself into your situation*

Yes, but only if we were financially stable enough to allow for it. I wouldn’t have a problem being pregnant or raising an infant by myself because I have a great support system – lots of family and friends who would be willing/able to help out if needed. And if something happened to my FI over there at least I’d have part of him with me. I’d rather raise a child myself while widowed than never have the chance to have kids with him at all.

ETA: You need to ask yourself some questions first:

1- Will you be able to financially support yourself and the baby?

2- Do you have a good support system at home, with people willing to help out if needed?

3- Would you be able to finish your schooling, or at least commit fully to going back after awhile?

4- Are you okay with your FI potentially missing your entire pregnancy/some of the baby’s first months?

Post # 13
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think there are a couple other questions

– how long have you been with him? 

– Has he deployed and if yes have you been through him deploying before?

– do you live away from where his duty station is?

– Do you have a plan in case (god forbid) something physically or mentally does happen while he is deployed?

Even though it seems like you have your mind made up, it’s important to consider the what ifs.  We talked about it because I do want to have children with my husband, but deployments – especially in casualty heavy areas – are hard and that pressure on me AND on him (why take away his focus from his mission in worrying about his pregnant wife?).  Just be sure the plans are in place both on paper and emotionally.  And never underestimate the readjustment period when your husband comes back from deployment – if you are the type of person to do so, have a support system (chaplain, therapist) you can talk to about how to handle it. It can’t hurt because trust me, the readjustment (even after 2 weeks of training!) is hard if you have a life together.

Post # 14
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

definitely not…how old are you?  You might want to add a clicky poll..also, I think it’s important to know when people vote whether or not they’ve had kids…it’s SO much harder than I could’ve imagined, and I don’t know how people do it with deployed husbands!

Post # 15
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

In your situation, all things considered, I would not want to have a child until I finished school and had the support of my husband. I understand that you may never have the option to have him there for the full pregnancy but I would still wait until I was at least done with school and we had been through a deployment together (it sounds like this is his first) so I had an idea of what to expect emotionally while he is away as I’m sure it will be much harder emotionally pregnant. 

Post # 16
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would probably vote not to have children right before a deployment. A. He won’t be around and B. See how you handle his first deployment on your own before adding a child to the situation. The first time I had no contact with my husband for several months was really difficult, I can’t imagine how it would be for a brand new mother.

 If you’re bent on having a baby have you thought about child care while you’re in school/overall cost of having a baby? My advice is to make a career for yourself first and then have a child.  I see so many women in our military community raising their children as single parents. I’m not saying anything will happen to your marriage, but on the off chance it does or something happened to him you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and support a family.

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