(Closed) Would you have a child if you weren't 100% about the marriage?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll:
    We had some debt but we knew we could get past it! : (9 votes)
    24 %
    We have our ups and downs but I knew I wanted to have children! : (6 votes)
    16 %
    I am past 30 and I don't want to wait any longer, we have our ups and downs! : (3 votes)
    8 %
    Not sure to take the next step, I am not happy! : (20 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2578 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    If you are not 100% happy with the marriage relationship in any facet, please do not bring children into it.

     

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    11352 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    @MRS-K:  

    Are your concerns based soley on finances, or are there other issues that you haven’t shared with us? From the poll options, it sounds as if your concerns about the marriage are much more than financial related, but that is the only thing you mention in your description.

    Post # 6
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I dont have kids but I have seen close friends fall apart when they brought children into their already broken home. Kids are HARD work. Concentrate on fixing the relationship now, before kids, while you have the time, energy and while the most important person is still you and your happiness. When you have a baby your everything will be focused on making the babies life happy. Make sure you make your life happy first.

    Post # 9
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Absolutely not. Children don’t hold a marriage together. If anything the added stress (especially in the first couple of years) could break the marriage faster especially if it’s already on the cusp. You need a solid foundation in your marriage before you try to build a family on it.

    Post # 10
    Member
    11352 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    @MRS-K:  I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. Frown

    In answer to your question, yes, I would have a child if I were not 100-percent happy in my marriage, because I honestly do not know too many people (if anyone at all) in real life who are 100 percent  happy in their marriages.  After all, marriage is wonderful, but it is not always easy.

    What I would not do is actively or deliberately focus on trying to bring a child into the world if I were not in a 100-percent committed relationship (which, to me, means a marriage relationship.) However, despite the fact that you are married and have been with your DH for many years, it honestly does not sounds as if you are in a fully committed relationship. It sounds as if you have many doubts and concerns about your husband and your marriage, and, because of that, at least one of you (if not both) is definitely not “all in.”

    Given your husband’s use of a drug that is illegal in most of the country, I can understand at least one reason why you are so concerned. Regardless of anyone’s personal opinion about whether or not this drug should or should not be legal, if a substance currently is  illegal, your husband’s choice to use an illegal drug certainly could have some negative repercussions for you and any potential future children you may have together.

    Although, if you became pregnant without deliberately trying, I would certainly encourage you to celebrate that precious gift of life, I can understand why trying to have a baby right now is a scary proposition for you. I do think you and your husband should pursue couple’s counseling as soon as possible so that you are able to identify and address the issues that are causing either or both of you to not be as committed as necessary to the future success of your marriage. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Don’t even think about bringing children into anything but a 100% happy marriage!  Children deserve nothing less! 

    Post # 12
    Member
    384 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    If you really want a baby no matter what the outcome of the marriage, then I’d say go for it. You don’t know when you might find another suitable guy and how long it would take for you both to take that plunge. At 33 you will be reaching the age when it becomes difficult for many to concieve easily. If you want really want children and more than 2, I would definitely start. If the marriage does take a turn for the worse you can always meet another guy after having children.

    Alternitively you could wait another 6 months before trying and see how things go first.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7653 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I would have a lot of questions about your husband’s maturity and history in order to give you advice on this. No marriage is 100% perfect to raise a child in, they are hard work, BUT even with being financially sound, it seems you are bothered by husband not having a job. Does he do stuff around the house? Is he going to be a good stay at home dad if it came to that? Does HE want a child?

    Marriage is supposed to be sacred. IMO I wouldn’t have kids with someone I might not want to be with forever or that I am unhappy with. Not having a job is a pretty big deal. Maybe not for the financial aspect, but for the maturity.

    Post # 14
    Member
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @MRS-K:  being financially stable is one thing but it’s your relationship that needs to be stable before bringing a child into the world. 

    i think you should work on ensuring your marriage is solid before ttc. 

    what do you want out of this marriage?  do you think of not being with him?  these are the types of questions you need to be asking yourself and be honest with yourself.  i know that you want a baby but children are stressful and you need to have someone beside you that you love, trust and rely on. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2462 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Brielle:  I think that’s a really interesting distinction–100% happy vs 100% committed. no relationship is perfect, but if you’re questioning whether you want to be in it, it’s not the right foundation for building a bigger family. 

    ETA: unless you are okay with dealing with the consequences if it doesn’t work out–if children are the most important to you, and you’re okay with being a single mother. but, it doesn’t sound like you’re sure if want that.

    Post # 16
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I agree with most of the PPs, I wouldn’t bring a child into a relationship that I wasn’t 100% sure of unless I was also 100% ok with the prospect of being a single mom.  For me, that would be a no.

    The topic ‘Would you have a child if you weren't 100% about the marriage?’ is closed to new replies.

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