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I really never thought I would be posting something like this here.
My fiance and I have been together for 5+ years and engaged since last August. We just moved in together in May, and have been happily planning our October 10 wedding. I thought everything was going really great! I read Weddingbee religiously, working on all the details with the support of our parents and bridal party.
BUT!
He came back from a road trip with some friends two weeks ago in a very depressed place, to the point of being nonverbal. I know that he struggled with depression in the past, but for the past 2 years he has seemed much, much happier, and I was thrilled for him and for us. Anyway, after 2 days of not speaking to me, I knew that something was going on and I was expecting the absolute worst. When I got home from work one day, there was a letter waiting for me that explained that his depression has gotten so bad that he fears acting dangerously. He acknowledges that he needs professional help, but refuses to get it because he doesn't "believe" in therapy/psychology... oh, and that he is in love with someone else, and has been for a year or more!!
So, we've already postponed the wedding, and now I am trying to process what this means for our relationship. Mostly I feel completely furious and betrayed that he would keep really big things like this from me for so long. I believe that the best thing to do for myself and for my self-esteem is to leave and move on... but when he just told me about his uncontrollable depression, can I really do that? I'm so afraid of how he would feel, and what would happen. I have no idea how to handle this. If, 2 weeks ago, I was ready to pledge to stand by him through thick and thin... where does something like this fall? Can I really just throw the past 5 years away?
I'm very lucky to have a wonderful support network of friends and family to help me through this. I just want to get some objective (well, as unbiased as possible, at least) opinions!
So, have at it, WB contributors.
I don't know how much I would trust being around someone who knows that they need help but won't do it because he 'doesn't believe in it'. And the being in love with someone else thing is a big sign that you might need to walk away.
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Details on the other woman are very important, here. Did he cheat??
You HAVE to get him to counselling, either pre-marital or mental. It just has to happen. I know he doesn't agree with it, but he really does need to go.
I don't have any other advice, having never encountered a similar situation. Good luck!
@littlemissmango: No, he didn't cheat - physically. During our many heated conversations about this it came out that he told her how he felt about her a couple months ago, and she doesn't feel the same way. Still, he talks to her all the time (more than his other friends).
@afbacher: I agree! But how do I get him to counseling? If he refuses, what can I do, other than leave and fear for the worst?
This is really tough. I'm so sorry you're going through this. First, I would continue to encourage FI to go seek help. If he doesn't believe in therapy, how does he propose to get better/healthier? It's good that he's realized he's not healthy, but he certainly has a long way to go.
As far as this being in love with someone else. What?! That requires a lot more explanation. You deserve better and more than that.
Oh, honey. Depression runs in my family, so I am all too familiar with the various, and confusing, signs it takes. And it manifests itself in different ways for everyone.
I know you love him (thats clear from your post), but it seems that he loves someone else, by his own admission.
I think the safest thing for you to do - to preserve your own mental health - is call off the wedding and move on. Depression or not, he admitted to being in love with someone else. Where can this relationship really go? And, he "doesn't believe" in therapy? This just sounds like a lifetime of heartache for you...
This may not be the answer you wanted to hear, but in my experience in dealing with a grandmother and mother that suffered from manic-depression, if they don't want to help themselves, there isn't much you can do for them.
((((((((((((((((HuGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I don't think I could stay. I would feel like I was second best since the other woman didn't have the same feelings. What if she did? Would he have left you? I don't think I could get over that.
Ok so the depression thing is one thing - I don't think you should be leaving someone just because they struggle with a mental illness (especially since you already knew about it). As a partner, you should support and help and get him to therapy/medication.
But......what is this about being in love with another woman?? I think we need more details about this. Has he been cheating on you physically? What does he say - does he say he wants to be with her or with you?
That is outrageous, ridiculous even. How did he meet this woman? Is she a colleague? You cannot allow your significant other to continue to pursue a woman he is admittedly "in love" with.
Honestly if it were me, I would see this situation as, if there were not the (emotional) cheating involved, he would deserve my support in helping him deal with his mental health, and I would do whatever I could to make counseling happen. But that is not the case here -- he does not deserve your support. He broke your trust and has proven that he doesn't support YOU emotionally.
My vote is to leave. Without a doubt.
if nothing else before you make any huge decisions go seek consueling yourself even if you're not very reglious pastors can be great for this and know how to handle many crisises and could perhaps provide some advice talk to you parents talk to anyone you can.
it's terrible i'd be just as hurt and confused with him saying he loves someone else and never actually cheated and she doesn't return the feeling that part with time could be worked out. but him refusing to get depression help is unacceptable you never know what someone like that might do. *murder-suicide* and i know that's horrible to think about but right now you're 1st priority is you then try to get him help.
at least see if he'd go to a doctor...they might could talk some sense into him and if not then yes as sad as it is you might have to throw in the towel. mental illness is terrible but you can't fix him on love alone and he's gotta be willing to fix himself. i wish you the best over the next few weeks and please keep us updated
@FirefightersWife2Bee: First, I would never leave him because of the depression, but because of lying about it and refusing to seek the help that he knows he needs.
Second, he didn't cheat, and he says he was still ready to marry me in October. But I can see that that was obviously not true, based on how he talked about his feelings for the other person. We discussed together what those feelings might mean for us (not meant to be together? not soulmates? someone else is more compatible? not in love anymore?) and he admitted that he wasn't sure what the answer was.
The wedding's called off already. I'm fairly certain of leaving him. But I am afraid that leaving him in his current mental state would be dangerous.
Has he support for his mental health issues, besides yourself? Are his family helpful/in the picture?
He has shown you terrible disrespect and disloyalty with this whole other woman issue, and I do believe you need to end this relationship, but I also believe you would both assuage your fears and help him by staying friends.
I know he doesn't deserve it: but I do think, even totally unwarranted, that you'd torment yourself for years if you walked away and he ... did something. I stress that such a situation would be absolutely 100% his own responsibility, but that knowledge would not make it any easier to live with, you know?
A friend of mine is married to a man with major depression issues, and although she loves him, she often says she wishes she hadn't married him.
@BirdtoBe: Are his parents aware of his current mental state? I really hope you're not in this alone I have to wonder if his feelings for this other woman are linked to his depression somehow? The grass is greener? Could you convince him to come to couples counselling with you so he's not working through this alone?
Thanks everyone. These are all things that I'm thinking anyway but it's good to hear them from outside sources. I really appreciate the responses.
@bakerella: Yeah maybe I'll tell his family... there's some weird history there but I know that they love and care for him, and they would do their best to help. They know he's had issues in the past, but as I said earlier, he's concealed it really well for the past 2 years. Someone needs to get him to a doctor.
@BirdtoBe: You can't deal with this on your own. His family needs to be aware, as do his close friends. If you decide to leave you need to make sure the people closest to him can watch out for him properly and safely.
@BirdtoBe: Someone needs to get him to a doctor, but that person shouldn't be you. Put his family in the loop about EVERYTHING that has been going on, explain that you no longer feel that you can be a part of his life and then go. I feel so saddened at what you are having to go through and I understand completely the feeling that it is hard to let go years of loving someone. If it were just the depression, I'd be encouraging you to stay. To stay in this relationship now would be for the wrong reasons.
I didn't believe in therapy for the longest time. Wouldn't go, but when I finally did, it was the best thing I've ever done. Someone needs to get him to a therapist STAT. Get his parents in on getting him to a therapist. Show them the letter so they know this is serious. Maybe you could all go the first time, but he needs someone...it's just not going to be you.
Def sounds like he needs the professionals in alright. And if you can get his family/close enough friends involved, you can gradually transition from being the main support to extended friend support, so to speak.
I think that it would be wrong to marry him at this point, or even take the time to stay with him and see where it goes. If you were already married, it would be a different story because you would need to do everything you could to keep the marriage together. As it stands, marriage is forever, and so you should not marry in hopes that things will get better or will change. You marry the person for who they are right now, and you accept them as this or whomever they choose to be forever. It should not be taken lightly and you should tell yourself that there is no way out if it doesn't work out after you are married. God intended marriage to be an unbreakable vow.
My point is, when considering marriage, you should always ask "Am I willing to be with this person for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live?"
Even if he is still willing to marry you, his heart is not in it since he is in love with someone else. You have to consider that in his mind you will always be second best.
And anyway, his parents do need to be informed of where he's at right now too., whether he chooses to inform them or not.
I'm a strong believer in the phrase "you have to love yourself in order to love another." If he's acknowledging that he has a problem, but he's not willing to seek help then he's not showing himself love, and he'll only end up dragging you down with him. Maybe losing you is what he needs to push him over the edge to getting himself help. If not, you can't blame yourself. You've done your best by him. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope somehow you reach a resolution you can feel proud of.
The fact that he hasn't left you says something to me. He sounds deeply unhappy, but if he was really not in love with you, or seriously so in love with this other woman, than I think he would have left.
Speaking as someone who has been in some pretty bad places emotionally myself, I think sometimes it's possible to use someone, like this other woman who clearly told him she's not interested, as a crutch for unhappiness. Unhappiness is something that it's possible to rely on - it's messed up, but if you get to that point, you're kind of past that. So holding onto 'feelings' for this woman, knowing they'll go unrequited, may be more his way of making excuses for his unhappiness, or creating a reason to 'be' unhappy (even though he would be without this reason).
Does that make sense?
It's very, very possible that this isn't your FI's deal, but it also could be a clue into his thoughts/behavior.
In considering your next move, I think it's important to consider how you'll feel about all of this later -- don't stay out of obligation or guilt, or I would fear you'll resent him down the road.
ETA: Also, don't stay just because you're worried about him going over an edge, because that in itself can create a dependency that will just be more unhealthy for him down the road - it's one thing if he's depending on you while you don't know, but it creates a whole new game when he comes clean, you say "this is unacceptable" but then stay -- you start to act as a crutch then too. You can be in his life and help him get help without being romantically involved with him, if you can emotionally handle it. Otherwise, make sure he's in good hands (family, institution, something) and then make a clean break, if you want to help him the most.
You are not responsible for his depression nor his behavior or reaction to things. So his depression is really not a factor in whether you should stay or go. That being said, I think you should go. Depression issues aside, this admission about being in love with someone else is deeply troubling. That and his handling of the situation set a troubling precedent for your relationship.
I think it's time to move out and move on.
I would not stay. I would definitely talk to him and I would try to talk to his close friends and family because if he is that depressed people need to know and be able to help him. You deserve to be in a loving relationship and him loving another woman is really not that.
It sounds like his family would be able to support him. I'd let them in on everything and go from there. He needs some serious help but it's not fair to you to feel like you have to stay just so he won't do anything dangrous or harmful to himself.
You said that he said "he fears acting dangerously." Was he more specific than this? If he could be violent towards you, you need to get out ASAP. Don't risk your life/health. If he was talking about suicide, and you think he is serious, you need to call a hospital or other mental health professionals for help. He can be committed whether he "believes" in therapy or not. If there is any chance that he is planning to hurt you or himself, PLEASE seek outside help immediately.
I think opening up to his family is also a very good option. Even if there has been some weirdness with them, I'm sure they'd want to know what is going on and wouldn't want you to be alone dealing with this.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope it all works out for you both.
yes, I would leave. Not because of the depression, but because of his selfishness in not dealing with it on your behalf.
Take a deep breath before doing anything rash that you my regret later. Depression can be caused by many different things. He needs to be seen by a doctor and have testing done to determine the cause. Medication may help his situation. Does he have a close friend other than you who is willing to encourage him? Talk with all family and friends and get their support and encouragement. Talk with the "girlfriend" and ask her to encourage him to go to the doctor. He may not really want a relationship with this "girlfrend" when he is feeling well and not depressed. Do much research on depression and look for treatment centers ( inpatient and outpatient) in your area. Join a support group as this will benefit you whether you stay in the relationship or not. At least, if you leave the relationship then you know you have done what you could. Good Luck!
I'm so sorry :(.
If that letter threatened his own safety, take it to the police! Has he ever talked about suicide? If he does, call the police ASAP. There's something they can do where they will require him to go to counseling if that happens. He needs to go to counseling.
Go to the police & explain the situation, bring that letter & any other evidense that he'd hurt himself (or anyone else). I had a friend who threated suicide, the police were called & got involved... he was required to go to counseling & that helped him. It sounds harsh, I know... but its for his own safety. You don't want him to hurt himself & this will help make him get the help he needs.
However, if he won't go to counseling, than I'd leave. Because that may "wake him up" & show him how serious you are/ this is. You aren't to blame for what he does or doesn't do.
What I would do is stay by his side. Talk with his family & good friends & let them know what's up. Involve the police, get him to get counseling. If there's not enough to get the police to say involved (thou, it sounds like there is)... than make a counseling appointment for him & go with him. Let him know that you want what is best for him & that you'll go with him & if he cares about your future togther than that needs to happen.
Sorry you're going thru this :(.
I wouldn't be able to pack my bags fast enough. While you have been in love with him, he has been in love with someone else. So let his well being be her problem. Walk out the door and don't look back, it will never be the same. Harsh, but true.
I'm so sorry. That really totally sucks!
I guess I would have to leave if it were me. I mean, do you really want to go thorugh something so difficult, possibly dangerous, for someone who says they love someone else? It could be that he is making that part up...but I'm not sure how you'd find out (phone records, maybe)?
I guess maybe I'd say leave temporarily for now. Do you have a friend you could stay with, or family? You said you have a good support system, and I think you need to call in that support.
Leave for a bit to gain clarity and get yourself into a safe place. And as far as what he does when you do that...that is not something that you can control, nor should it be how you decide to proceed. You need to do whatever is best for you. It would be one thing if he had an illness, but when one has an illness and refuses to take care of themselves at the cost of someone else, that is a different story.
I was engaged to someone with mental health issues and I decided it was best to leave he threated suicide and was acting very crazy. I left it to his family. He survived. However, everyone has their own reasoning for everything. I wouldn't stay with someone just because they are depressed and you are worried about what will happen to them. Think about yourself first.
However, if the TWO of you think it is something you can work on together then stay and try to work it out but do not plan a wedding till it is set. I say if you are going to work it out he MUST stop talking to this other girl. I would say if he doesn't want you to leave then you should be able to monitor this to make sure he stays away. Plus of course you need to get prof help. If he refuses then none the less I say you both need to sit down and talk it out and cover many things between eachother.
Good luck
I would have him committed. Show the letter to prove that he is in danger of hurting himself. Ignoring his own admission could prove deadly, and you would never want to live with just letting it go. He has already said he may hurt himself, I think you should act on that and make sure he is ok.
As far as leaving him, I think that part of his depression could be that he feels guilty for what he's doing to you and feels trapped in his life. I think leaving him could actually be good for him. You could stay friends and stay in his life if you're worried about him, but I think letting him go is the answer here.
I wanted to reiterate what others have said. You are NOT responsible for whatever he does or doesn't do if you leave. Only he is.
Second, I agree with Mighty. Call the police if you are worried that he'll do something to hurt himself or others. They'll bring him to the ER to be evaluated, and if they feel it's warranted they can admit him. Worst case scenario they'll only be able to keep him for 72 hours (in most states). If he's really that bad, though, they can keep him longer if necessary. If you call, though, at least he'll be evaluated in the ER.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, and good luck with everything!
Absolutely true, It's not your responsibility...You're his Fiance, and (maybe) soon to be wife, not his caretaker(to a point). If you're staying with him because you're afraid of what he may do to himself, those are not good signs. If you're worried about him, talk to his family or friends, even seek help for him on your own, but dont stay for the wrong reasons. If his feelings for this other woman are that strong, even when she doesn't feel the same way, then being together is NOT where you should be. Move on, find someone who loves you and only you and who cares and will take care of YOU, as much as you do him. I come from almost that exact scenario, and I now couldn't be happier with my now fiance. Best of luck on whatever you decide!
I think it's really stubborn of him and unfair to both of you for him to say he "doesn't believe in" therapy or psychiatry. I'm sorry, but that's just dumb. Really, really stupid. It isn't something you believe in or not. If he had diabetes, would he shun going to the doctor because he "didn't believe" in it, and die because of it? Because that's exactly what he's doing right now. Depression is a physical illness that must be treated, just like any other illness. In my opinion he's scared to face it head on and deal with it. Or scared that going to therapy means he's a failure for giving in and giving up. I know because I felt the same way before I got help with my depression, and the fact that I waited so long was completely idiotic.
The "in love with another woman" thing changes everything. In my opinion, emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. :/ Staying in a relationship where you are not #1 in your partner's eyes is not worth it. You deserve nothing less. If my fiance told me he was in love with someone else, there would be no looking back. It would be over, and that would probably be best for the both of us.
If your only problem was his depression, then by all means I would tell you to support him and stick it through with him, because he's in a very bad place right now. And I would still suggest that you encourage him to get professional help. But this isn't your responsibility anymore. I would suggest talking with someone else who plays a big role in his life (maybe family?) and telling them that he feels he is a danger to himself. Hopefully they will help be there for him.
That's a difficult question to answer until someone has been in that situation themselves.
The fact that he says he is in love with someone else would definitely be grounds for me to leave no matter what. As far as the other issues are concerned, the mental health issues need to be addressed since they will not go away on their own just because someone wants them to and they refuse to go to therapy of any kind. The letter you mentioned definitely must be mentioned to the police asap since he states he is a danger to himself and those around him by acting dangerously due to his depression. That is a clear indicator right there that he needs help right away even if he won't do it on his own at all.
That said, it is possible to be a supportive figure in his life during his time of need (with mental health issues) but not as a spouse if you truly feel that you cannot live that way and be happy. If you can't do that, then walk away but make sure that he has the help he needs before you leave.
I have a friend who reminds me of your fiance. She is engaged and it pursuing another man who doesn't feel the same (though they have kissed) and is hurdling into a depression. Her fiance does not know but I assume eventually the guilt will hit her and they'll have to deal with it.
Only you can decide what you want to do. He needs help but you can't make someone get help who doesn't want it. It's not your job. If it were me, I would be out of there. I wouldn't want to play second fiddle.
you need to think about yourself first. this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you. if it was just his depression, i'd say to stick with him and try to support him. but if he's in love with someone else.... that's just not ok. you won't be able to help with his depression, only he can do that. i would leave.
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