Post # 1
Hello Gals! I’m new to the board and it is great to see woman who support eachother during this difficult/interesting/maybe fun life situation. A little background on me…I’ve been with my BF for 5 years, he is 33, I am 32. We are definitely in love; He is my best friend. However, he is not ready to get married ( simply scared and working on his issues) and I am. At times, I get so frustrated that I do think of leaving …and my opportunity costs! I’ve even asked myself the question , if someone else came along that could provide all that my Boyfriend or Best Friend does (he really is a great guy, meets my needs in every other way) ..would I leave if I didn’t have to wait? It is a possiblity because I don’t think you should give your dreams for anyone…what are your thoughts?
Post # 3
@Red_velvet: I don’t know how you could determine if the other guy would make you wait or not? Do you mean if you met another guy and he swept you off your feet and promised if you left your SO, he would propose to you right after? I wouldn’t want a guy like that.
If you are 32 and been together for 5 years, are you sure he will eventually be ready for marriage? Theres a difference between someone making you wait vs. someone who won’t propose to you at all.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
It is completely normal for a guy that wants to work on himself (self-develop) before taking your relationship to the next level. To hear that the two of you ARE best friends, that is very sweet! Leaving him would be cruel; he needs you to be there for him. He is scared he isn’t ready. That’s completely normal.
If it comforts you, my SO and I were together for 6 years (edging towards 6.5) before we got engaged. I had my own issues I had to work on before he could commit and vice-versa. It’s team-work. 🙂 The more important question is that… can you see you and your best friend growing old together.. for life?
Post # 5
I would leave. Althought children are a LOOOOOOOOOONG way off for me, I still want them. My SO has stated on many occasions that he doesn’t want children before marriage, that he wants his kids to have his name, etc, etc. That’s fine, i feel the same. But i’m not willing to wait until he decides at the age of 35 that he is ‘ready’ to get hitched. Unfortunately, I see a lot of women around me who are in their late 30s – early 40s, having given up waiting for their man to be ‘ready’ and are now struggling to have those babies they always wanted. There are some dreams that I’m not willing to give up on for a ring and a white dress.
Post # 6
You said he’s “simply scared,” What does that mean?
Scared to get married? What are his reasons? Everyone is different and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but I would be wondering what the HECK was going on if it had been 5 years and he was past 30.
Post # 7
@FuzzyBunnyB: I definitely think it depends on age. If I was pushing 35 and a my guy still wasn’t ready for marriage and didn’t seem to think he was in the near future, I would too.
Next month is 6 years with SO, but were both 26, so the different between getting marriage now vs a couple years doesn’t really make a huge impact. I think if a girl is risking not being able to have the family she wants, it’s a legit reason to leave
Post # 8
@Red_velvet: The problem is you won’t know what your relationship would be like with guy #2 unless you left. It is not as if you will have the choice of being with guy#1 and another guy completely willing to marry you (unless you start cheating and that wouldn’t be good)
Post # 9
@memo …I didn’t think through a real scenario..just would you break up knowing that you would find someone else who wouldn’t put you through the wait.”Theres a difference between someone making you wait vs. someone who won’t propose to you at all.” Agreed and we’ve had numerous conversations about this. His firm on wanting to propose and the timing is the issue. However, I’m definitely evaluating our relationship because of this.How do you really know until the end, when you get there? I can’t say that I know for certain and his fears are making me unsure.
@Cynderbug- Yes I can have a happy life with him forever…but I don’t want to limit myself because I can’t deny that I want it all and on my time ( might sound selfish but its true)
I never thought I’d be in this position or even knew this existed…I just thought you fall in love, get married, have children , end of story 🙂
Post # 10
I left a 3 year relationship because my SO then wasn’t sure. I’m in my early 30s, and he is in his early 40s, and I’m really happy I left – the waiting was killing me, and feeling like I was not good enough was a horrible feeling. He tried counseling, and told me he would be ready so many times, but never was, and in the end I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s been about a month, and I’m doing great, and really happy!
Post # 11
@Red_velvet: In my honest opinion, if it has been 5 years now and he is nowhere near close to marrying you, than how many more years are you willing to wait? I mean, if I was 21 fine, you don’t mind waiting.. But, you are in your 30’s and I am sure you want to be married and have kids before 40.. I, honestly, would take a break. Split for a little bit and see how you two do apart. Maybe set a time, say, a month. Take a break for a month, than get together and reevaluate where you are at. If after a month away from you, he is still saying he doesn’t want to get married anytime soon, than maybe that is the answer you are seeking.. But if he is so in love with you and wants to spend his life with you, even a day away will smack him in the face and make him wake up! Good luck.. Keep us posted.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@LoveS46: +1. That’s a good idea, but that is ultimately an ultimatum, no? Sometimes, sending an ultimatum to someone you love can really hurt them. A gentler way would be OP asking her SO: “Could you picture yourself being with anybody else.. for the rest of your life?”
@Red_velvet: If he is firm on wanting to propose.. but with time being the only issue…
Now, it sounds like you are +1 up on the relationship phase. You’re practically pre-engaged. Have you, however, brought up the topic of kids with your SO? If so, then, the two of you need to work on a realistic plan/time-line. Address/acknowledge his fears, but only he can work on his own issues. Your emotional support would mean a lot to him. Does he know how you feel?
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Since you need 6 months of exclusive dating before two people can get past infatuation and really start ot know each other, I don’t see how this situation could play out.
Post # 14
@Cynderbug: For me, personally, I think sometimes you need to give someone an ultimatum. My point is, you either stay with the person, wait a few more years to see if he decides to get married, and than if not, you have wasted all that time you could have been with someone else.. Just because she will ask him if he sees himself with anyone else, and he will clearly say no, doesn’t mean that will make him decide to marry tomorrow.. People need that push sometimes. Or, they stay stuck in the same situation for a long, long time. And, than look back one day and wish they had left, or done things differently..
Ask yourself, if he doesn’t propose this year, do you stay next year, if he doesn’t next year, do you stay again? If he keeps saying he will be “ready” one day, how many “days and years” do you wait around before you decide it is wasting your time?! That is all I am saying. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Post # 15
My concern would be leaving a great relationship (even without marriage) and meeting someone who wants to get married fairly quickly, and have him end up being a bad husband. In every other way, my SO is completely fulfilling, and some other guy could make me an unhappy wife. I’d rather wait a bit longer for my SO, who I know is amazing, then gamble on someone who might not hold a candle to him.